underneath the patch.

the description can hardly be seen. it’s too dark.

[patchlessworld]

i'll only ruin everything.

work? overstimulated during peak hours in the restaurant and couldn't do anything while i watch others do everything for me. poor communication skills and i get blocked by a customer.

going outside? panic attacks. running away. made it to the venue, had to go home after barely staying there for 3 minutes. every time i go out, everyone has to take care of me.

relationships? pushing people away. not being able to go out means i don't care enough about others, so everyone left. always saying the wrong thing and hurting people, making them cry.

my life is a mess. everything i try to do, everything i fail to do. i'm selfish, self-centred, apathetic, cold, stupid, lazy, a disgrace, a disappointment.

[patchlessworld]

one by one, it all goes away.

people.

reasons to stay alive.

things to look forward to.

things that matter.

bucket lists.

until there's nothing left but the urge to go away.

the will to death.

the bottomless hole.

the consuming darkness.

and then it all comes.

cutting contacts.

reasons to die.

looking forward to die.

nothing matters.

dates, locations, methods.

it all feels better now. more hopeful, i have something to look forward to, my heart feels lighter. everything feels brighter.

i will be better.

[patchlessworld]

i want to die

[yousaveeveryonebutwhosavingyou]

It's just idk...

[pleaseseemeibeg]

how it feels to be aware of your paranoias btw

[patchlessworld]

and now i'm scared cuz i think my therapist hates me

i'm fine with being hated but the thing i'm concerned about is making people upset. people can hate me all they want, it's fine, just walk away from me. but it's hard to see people being forced to be with me. like my therapist, since i'm her case and she's responsible for this.

i just don't want to hurt people anymore. but as my therapist, she can't fight back (i think) and have to be stuck with me. this is nightmare to me. if i hurt someone, they can yell at me and hate me and even hurt me back and revenge on me all they want. but when it's a professional... the thought of it makes me feel so bad. no one should ever have to put up with me. i'm just a monster.

and i just don't want to listen to her be all kind and stuff. please just scold me, yell at me, hate me, idk just treat me bad instead of putting on a smile and having to swallow all those hatred. i'm just so afraid of people having to act kind and be nice to me when they really are hurting.

the thought of all of this makes me wanna scream. i wanna die. this is so horrifying. please stop.

[patchlessworld]

whoops it's been a while but anyway i'm officially not seeing her again anymore yay

not that it's cuz we've made good progress or anything. in fact we've made 0 progress since the first session, and i've basically been silent for the more recent ones, so she thought, maybe you don't need this treatment at the moment, and i was like, yea cuz we aren't talking anyway, nothing will help, and so we decided to end right there.

bit of a weird logic but in short, don't say a word and the therapist will let you go.

[patchlessworld]

and everyone left, because of me.

[patchlessworld]

i want to meet you.

i want to talk to you.

i want to be friends with you.

i miss you.

i miss being able to talk with you.

i wish you would give me the slightest bit of attention when i go see you.

i miss the late night chats with only you and i talking about everything.

i miss being able to hear you share your experiences with weird people.

i want to be able to tell you all of this.

but i can't.

cuz i'm afraid.

[patchlessworld]

and now i'm scared cuz i think my therapist hates me

i'm fine with being hated but the thing i'm concerned about is making people upset. people can hate me all they want, it's fine, just walk away from me. but it's hard to see people being forced to be with me. like my therapist, since i'm her case and she's responsible for this.

i just don't want to hurt people anymore. but as my therapist, she can't fight back (i think) and have to be stuck with me. this is nightmare to me. if i hurt someone, they can yell at me and hate me and even hurt me back and revenge on me all they want. but when it's a professional... the thought of it makes me feel so bad. no one should ever have to put up with me. i'm just a monster.

and i just don't want to listen to her be all kind and stuff. please just scold me, yell at me, hate me, idk just treat me bad instead of putting on a smile and having to swallow all those hatred. i'm just so afraid of people having to act kind and be nice to me when they really are hurting.

the thought of all of this makes me wanna scream. i wanna die. this is so horrifying. please stop.

[patchlessworld]

it's definitely a me problem now because i can barely communicate with my therapist but i've been seeing her for like 3 years now

i mean it is a me problem at first because i decided to not express myself in the first place because of fear of over relying and stuff

but now i realised i can't even communicate if i wanted to like, each sentence i speak feels so hard to form and then she can't hear me properly because i'm too quiet and then after a bunch of confirming on what i said (i don't think she got it right at all but close enough) she doesn't seem to grasp the idea and now she's throwing more questions at me then i'll have to keep trying to form proper sentences in my head but then the next question comes because she thought i was just being my usual unresponsive self but in fact i'm still trying to answer the first question but no because i don't know how to turn the stuff in my head into words

or maybe i'm just gaslighting myself into believing that i'm forming idk

idk

but this is definitely useless, every session feels useless

[patchlessworld]

i don't want to become like my father...

i shouldn't become like him

i know very well i disagree with such personality

but why, why...

[patchlessworld]

how am i gonna take care of my feelings when i have to take care of the feelings of someone else in this house

[patchlessworld]

as we're speaking

today my mother said that it's good that i'm the one spending the most time with my father, cuz it helps train *my* EQ.

i don't know if i've gotten better at controlling my emotions. i just know that, when you're with someone, the more impatient they are, the more patient you have to be. so it's a constant reminder in my mind that i should put a smile on my face and respond nicely like i'm working at customer service. and i just know that, whenever people accuse you of doing something wrong, you admit it and say sorry. even if you aren't really wrong, you need to think of something that you could have done but didn't, and apologise for not doing that.

but these are more like notes that i've jotted down throughout the years, learnt from reading books or through experiences.

as for my EQ- i doubt that it's improved in any way. to begin with, i don't even know what my emotions are at this point. i throw things when they don't work (like mouse or mobile phone). i laugh when something bad happens to me. i would absolutely threaten people when i'm @^|'los and slash my wrist in front of them, if i get triggered. i could feel it.

but at the end of the day, no one cares. because it's all my fault. i'm sorry, i'm sorry. haha

[patchlessworld]

how am i gonna take care of my feelings when i have to take care of the feelings of someone else in this house

[i-have-rabies-dw]

My bpd symptoms aren't that bad if I don't care about anything, or let anyone get close to me, or leave my house or

[patchlessworld]

i honestly am mentally stable (as i stop any contact with anyone and don't even talk to my therapist in case i get attached)

[patchlessworld]

"this is the worst day ever"

--me when i clearly remember i've said this multiple times prior to this day

[evilromanticized-deactivated202]

it makes sooo much sense that personality disorders are considered as ego-syntonic while other psychiatric disorders are ego-dystonic.

so that means ppl like myself with personality disorders see their behavior as natural, like there isnt anything genuinely wrong basically because its deeply ingrained and maladaptive- like how my symptoms feel like they have always been there and i didnt know it was a problem until i got diagnosed.

while "ego-dystonic" are like for example, someone with an anxiety disorder knows something is wrong and wants to actually fix it, a depressed person doesn't wish to be depressed, etc. so thats very interesting

basically its asking are you okay with the way you are- even if it means removing the symptoms you feels that are apart of your personality? majority of people with a psych condition would want it gone but you cant say the same for people with personality disorders.

[patchlessworld]

i should kill myself i should kill myself i don't know where to go i don't wanna go home but i don't know where to go without you i don't even know why im here i don't know i guess i'll just die but i can't cuz of responsibilities and stuff i wish there's something for me to distract this feeling but no im stuck here i wish someone would love me but even if you say you love me i'd doubt it im truly screwed am i i won't ever feel loved again what is love anyway what is love friendship idk relationship is such a hard concept to grasp i guess i'll just kms after everything's done