I miss my dad
Despite everything he did to me and everything he didn't do I miss him so much
He used to be the one who would light the fireworks for 4th of July
Me and my siblings would all sit out on the drive way behind a chalk line he'd draw and bet with rocks and grass on the fireworks, which one would be the biggest, if they'd whistle or pop, what colors would show. And by the end we usually lost count of who had the most money, it either being blown away or accidently scattered when a loud or really big fire work came up.
I miss feeling like I have a complete family. I hate him so so much and somehow I still love him and it still hurts so bad that he isn't here.
He was always horrible at comfort but I still remember curling up in his arms and laying in bed at night as he tucked me in and sung me songs that his father used to sing to him.
I miss going on canoa trips and hunting even though we never caught anything and talking about music and watching marvel movies and shows. We never finished Stargate and I want so bad to be able to run up to him and pester him until he finally relents and pulls it up on his computer for me and my brother to watch.
I miss waking up at 6am to drive with him to a soccer game. To tired to talk but listening to podcasts that I never fully understood
Most of all I miss having a dad. I miss laughing and playing Ark and eating Sunday brunch after church
And it's worse because I did this to myself. Most days I don't even remember why I left, why I'm so angry I just know that something was wrong and I can't go back.
I can't even remember his face most days, or his voice. Just vague memories of things he said and stuff he liked and the feeling of his beard when he didn't shave .
I see all my friends with their dads and even though their relationships aren't perfect or good they still seem to love each other so much and I can't help but feel like I've made a mistake that's going to haunt me forever.
