What's said here stays here.

this is a vent blog, I will be posting vent art and posts with topics including sh, and mental illnesses. if that is triggering please protect your own peace and dni.

[whatssaidhere-stayshere]

Hi, if you know me unless I have sent this blog to you please leave. This is a sideblog specifically for vent art and my darker thoughts and ramblings

This is a space for me to express my emotions and feelings without fear of being punished or judged.

That being said this blog will cover topics such as self harm, suicide, mental illness, and extreme anxiety and depression along with a host of other darker topics

Everything will be properly tagged and flared but if any of this is triggering or upsetting for you then I don't think this is the blog for you please protect your own peace and safety

If you somehow trace this to my main blog as I do tend to have a distinct art style please respect me and my privacy and leave

Stay safe and stay healthy

[whatssaidhere-stayshere]

Welp, we talked to our partner and she reminded us that it doesn't fucking matter! Who cares how I refer to myself, or if it's consistent

It isn't hurting anyone and it doesn't mean our identity as a trans man/nonbinary is invalid.

It was so weird when we reached out in our server with our friends

We sent a message that was basically what the previous post I made was and turned our phone off, we've never actually had friends who will reach out when we say things like that our call for help but both my partner and close friend did

It's such an odd but good feeling to have people who genuinely care about us even after what happened with our 'friend'

I think sometimes the distance just gets to me. I feel so isolated what with my close friend being an hour away and my partner and bestie living in Florida that I forget that even if they aren't physically here there still here for me

[whatssaidhere-stayshere]

Fuck I'm alone in this arent I?

I've somehow set this up in a way that I have no one. To turn to

My partner is going through actual hell so I can't talk to him, plus I don't even know if she'd respond if I tried! Not out of malice but simply because fea wouldnt see it. My most trusted friend isn't in a place where it can help me and is dealing with a whole crisis of its own and I just can't put this on pup. My close friends dog just died and parents are divorcing and they have enough on their mind as it is. And to top it all of the person Id normally turn to hates me and I cut him off.

I've helped so many people through their gender crisis's over the years. They always turn to me because I seem to have my shit together. Hell! Not even a month ago my classmate came out to me as nonbinary and asked for advice! But the truth is I have no fucking clue who I am

I thought I did but then the world flipped upside down and somewhere in the chaos I lost sight of my self

I'm so scared and I can't tell anyone about it there truly is no one I can turn to here

I'm actually, fully and truly alone in this and I have no fucking clue what I'm supposed to do! How the fuck am I supposed to figure this out

[whatssaidhere-stayshere]

Fuck am I faking this? Is what I'm feeling real or is it all just me telling myself that I feel this way so I can get attention

I don't know

Ive for so long considered myself to be nonbinary

Is the plurality part of that? Do I need a reason to refer to myself as we or us? Is it bad that for the most part I don't even want people to refer to me as plural I just want people to stop fucking staring when I refer to myself as plural

It isn't often but sometimes it just feels right. I don't know why!

I've had the same awkward conversation at least twice now we're I fuck up and say 'we' instead of 'i' and the person in talking to just stares blankly and say "we?"

Like it's so fucking obvious that it isn't true! That there's only one of me

I know there's only one of me I never claimed there wasn't! I dont have DID or other conditions like that. It's just me here but sometimes the plurality is just so freeing and comes so easy

I only have one friend who I feel understands me. Who I never have to worry about calling me out or judging me because I know it's going through something simaler

I just wish it wasn't so damn complicated!! I wish I didn't have to think about it! I wish I could just refer to myself however the fuck I want and not feel like im lying or making a mistake

[whatssaidhere-stayshere]

We have tried so hard to be accepted.

To explain the parts of ourself that don't fit into the mold

The biting as affection, the plurality but only some times, the way we get to invested in fandoms and won't shut up, the constant craving for attention and affection and acceptance all. The fucking. Time.

In a sick way we're almost glad that we're in a long distance relationship. Of course we would prefer if xey were here but as it stands the people we value and cherish the most are far enough away that they don't have to see the ugly side of things

It's so much easier to keep the unsightly parts under wraps over short visits.

I'm sure they'd all hate us if they saw what we are, How we behave.

After all the person who swore they would stick by our side through thick and thin pushed us away. Even they couldn't handle us so why should I think anyone else can?

No it's just better this way. I'd rather live a lie then a life alone.

[whatssaidhere-stayshere]

God it feels like we're failing, constantly. Fucking. Failing.

It doesn't matter if we get better

It doesn't matter how hard we try

We're always going to mess it up.

[whatssaidhere-stayshere]

[whatssaidhere-stayshere]

[whatssaidhere-stayshere]

Well that's concerning, a post that's not about how we're suffering but instead someone else? Wowza! That's a first!!

I'm worried about my friend and partner, their parents have been fighting alot recent and we know the mental toll that can take.

We knew it was bad but didn't realize how bad it was untill today. We were sleeping on call with our partner and their parents were loud enough to wake us up over the call!

We are typically a heavy sleeper and we didn't go to bed untill 4 last night and when that happens were generally out like a light.

We can only imagine what it's like to be in that house right now.

We just hope our friends make it out ok

[whatssaidhere-stayshere]

Oh.. wow, each time we think it can't get worse and yet here we are again.

It's easy to forget that despite our life being entirely upturned the world keeps turning.

I can here them talking and laughing and joking with my parents through my bedroom floor and it hurts

It hurts because I can't go down there and join in. It hurts because despite how awful and horrible they are to me they are still funny and charasmatic

I don't forgive them. I won't forgive them and I can never move on or forget what they did. To me, to my friends to everyone.

But that isn't making it any easier.

God I want to cut

[whatssaidhere-stayshere]

I hope that when I die people don't forget me.

Or maybe I hope they do

I've never feared death, not in the way other people do. The thought of dying itself doesn't make me upset or scared, it's not that I want to die, I just know its unavoidable. even the injury or pain associated with it only makes me mildly squeamish.

But the thought of people losing me. Of my mom wondering if my death could have been avoided. Of my little siblings missing their brig brother, of my partner crying over me fucking terrifies me.

I have been left behind so. Many. Times.

The one thing I know I can trust without fail is that everyone will leave. It's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when.

But even though I don't want to hurt anyone if I die I fear being forgotten almost as much as I fear being remembered.

What if I dropped dead right now? How many people would remember me for more then a moment? How many times would someone see something and think 'hey! That reminds me of them'

2? Maybe 3 if I'm lucky

I'm an incredibly easy person to move on from

I mean, the person I was closest to, the person who knew all my secrets and all my sins has moved on. They didn't even care enough to tell me.

Do you know what that feels like? To have someone know your every sin and mistake and to think that they loved you anyway, despite all of it. Only to realize you misjudged? That somewhere along the way you did something that made their love go away?

Because it's fucking terrifying, no matter what I tell myself or how I show the situation to others I know that some part of me is unlovable and I don't even have the grace to know which part it is!

I don't think I can ever do that again, I don't think I can bare to let another person know me like that again.

I've tried and I've tried and I've tried

And I've grown and Ive changed and Ive shoved every ugly broken part of me into a neat little box so that you can set it aside and not worry about it

I've stayed up for hours studying just the right things to say and do so that I can take your burdens and you don't have to think twice about leaving me to carry them

And yet none of it fucking works.

[whatssaidhere-stayshere]

We know we sound like a broken record.

But this time you fucked up.

Fine. Ruin your relationship. Push away the pest partner you've ever had.

Fine! Do drugs! Sit back and listen and make jokes well your 'friend' is groomed and has Sex with a 24 year old

But don't you fucking dare hurt our friend like that. Don't you throw away the person who has cared for you your entire fucking life

Who has been nothing but kind and compassionate to you.

All because it breaks your fucking heart to communicate with someone.

From the bottom of our heart. Fuck you solar.

[whatssaidhere-stayshere]

I miss my dad

Despite everything he did to me and everything he didn't do I miss him so much

He used to be the one who would light the fireworks for 4th of July

Me and my siblings would all sit out on the drive way behind a chalk line he'd draw and bet with rocks and grass on the fireworks, which one would be the biggest, if they'd whistle or pop, what colors would show. And by the end we usually lost count of who had the most money, it either being blown away or accidently scattered when a loud or really big fire work came up.

I miss feeling like I have a complete family. I hate him so so much and somehow I still love him and it still hurts so bad that he isn't here.

He was always horrible at comfort but I still remember curling up in his arms and laying in bed at night as he tucked me in and sung me songs that his father used to sing to him.

I miss going on canoa trips and hunting even though we never caught anything and talking about music and watching marvel movies and shows. We never finished Stargate and I want so bad to be able to run up to him and pester him until he finally relents and pulls it up on his computer for me and my brother to watch.

I miss waking up at 6am to drive with him to a soccer game. To tired to talk but listening to podcasts that I never fully understood

Most of all I miss having a dad. I miss laughing and playing Ark and eating Sunday brunch after church

And it's worse because I did this to myself. Most days I don't even remember why I left, why I'm so angry I just know that something was wrong and I can't go back.

I can't even remember his face most days, or his voice. Just vague memories of things he said and stuff he liked and the feeling of his beard when he didn't shave .

I see all my friends with their dads and even though their relationships aren't perfect or good they still seem to love each other so much and I can't help but feel like I've made a mistake that's going to haunt me forever.

[whatssaidhere-stayshere]

Nothing scares us more than having a shift in front of people we haven't before. We're going to visit our best friend and partner tomorrow and staying for over a week and we have been so incredibly shifty recently and it doesn't help that it's been ages since we last shifted so all our vocals and quads are shit so we look like an idiot. We finally gave in today and it just feels so good. But how do you explain it to people who aren't therian and haven't been around someone shifting before? 'Hey, can you just like, treat us like an animal for a bit thanks, love ya besties!' like what? They both know we're a therian but it's never really come up before and just- gahhh

We're gonna go outside and scream at birds now

[whatssaidhere-stayshere]

The constant struggle to shower after doing something physical is hitting us hard, we know we should. We need to. But the idea of moving is so exhausting right now

[whatssaidhere-stayshere]

We can't fucking believe you let it go. Pup was one of the best things to come into your life and you just let it go!? We know sometimes relationships don't work out and that's ok. Especially long distance but its such a genuinely kind person and after seeing you do this again and again and again to partner after partner we're sick of it. You better not even fucking try to villainize pup to u we know it. We know how it behaved and reacts to things and we know for a fucking fact that what ever bulshit yo come up with isn't true

Just don't come to us for help with this. Not after last time.

[shh-youdontknowme]