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Snakebite heart with a bubblegum smile

Title: Snakebite heart with a bubblegum smile

Genre: Fluff, angst, smut (the holy trinity)

Warnings: Homophobia, violence (graphic fights), drug use (weed), cigarettes, alcohol, smut, tooth rotting fluff, brief domestic violence (abusive parents), self doubt, identity crises and swearing.

Word count: 25,365 (jfc how?????)

Rating: Mature/R/NC-17

Author: @dark-days-dark-nights-xx

Beta: @4amphil

Artist: @sapphirelester

Summary: Phil didn’t want to be there, he really didn’t, but his parents had insisted Uni would benefit and he was determined to hate it. That was until he met his roommate, a guy whose wardrobe consisted of pastel jumpers and flower crowns who made Phil admit who he really was. (Punk/pastel Uni! AU)

A/N: Oh. My. God. It’s here. It’s here. It’s done. It’s finished. It’s actually really done. Okay, I need to breathe. When I first started this I barely knew the plan or the plot, only that I wanted a punk/pastel uni AU, and, 25k words and many months later it’s done. I feel like a proud mother.

Before I say anything else, I need to say a massive thank you to my team whom I honestly couldn’t of completed this without. I have the most amazing beta who helped me with everything, including my three am ideas and ramblings (x), and an artist who is literally amazing and so, so talented so go send her some love (x). It has been incredible working with these two people and I hope we can continue talking even though I’ve finished the fic.

Check out the artwork (x) because it’s legitimately amazing and I’m kinda in love with it. Okay, right, I’ve been rambling for long enough now but hOLY HELL ITS DONE. Okay!! Enjoy!!

It wasn't like Phil wanted to be there. Wasn't like he’d said that he’d quite happily go, in fact, if he remembered correctly, it was his parents that had shipped him off with a wave and a goodbye kiss, and Phil could almost see the relief in their eyes when the taxi cab sped off down the road. They’d told him that it’d ‘sort him out’ and ‘be good for him’. He knew they didn't approve of his piercing and tattoos. No. He didn't want to be there at all. He was considering skiving, considering just going to a hotel and crashing there for the year, but then he realised just how expensive that would be and, well, that idea was shot down pretty quickly. With a sigh, he set down his suitcase on one of the two beds and pulled out his phone, plugging his earphones in. If he was staying at this shitty university, at least he had his music to console him.

***

A couple of songs later, and Phil had taken to laying down on top of the duvet, phone raised in the air above his face as he shot off a couple of texts to his friends back home. Lucky bastards, he thought as he was sent back pictures of drinks, clubs and girls. The idea of clubbing and getting drunk off his arse suddenly seemed even more appealing. He was so wrapped up in his thoughts and music that he didn't hear the door open once more, or see the guy standing awkwardly in the doorway, flower crown perched atop of his neatly straightened brown hair, hands hidden in an oversized pink jumper. In fact, he didn't notice him until he placed down his bags on the other bed and Phil caught a glimpse of movement in his peripheral vision.

Phil took out an earphone and turned his head slightly, eying up the guys back, taking in the way he was dressed with an arched eyebrow. He must’ve felt someone looking at him, because soon enough he was turning around with a small blush spreading across his cheeks, hands fidgeting awkwardly inside the sleeves of his jumper. Phil’s first thought was a jumble of words, letters even, but his second thought, a more legible one maybe, was that he was so fucked, because no, this guy was hot, like really hot, and Phil wasn't so supposed to, no, he couldn’t, like guys in that way. Especially not his roommate.

“Uh…Hi…M’Dan.” The boy - Dan - stated uncertainly, the blush growing darker and darker with each passing second. Phil sucked in a deep breath through his nose and willed a smile to appear on his face, forcing the fear down. Fuck. He had to be at least civil. I mean, how the hell was this boy even old enough to be attending Uni? Let alone in the same year as him. He couldn’t just walk out on him. His parents might be judgemental twats but they’d taught him basic manners.

“Hi, Dan, I’m Phil.” He replied, sitting up and pausing his music, letting his earbuds hit the bed with a soft thud. Phil wasn't sure what to do, really. Should he hold out his hand? Smile again? Ask him why he’s here? He was never good with social situations. Especially not with people he found hot (except he didn't find Dan hot, because he couldn't find Dan hot). The silence between them was getting awkward now, both boys looking around the room, desperately avoiding eye contact. Phil shifted on the bed, messing around with his phone in his hands, fingers tapping against the black screen in a random rhythm.

“So…What are you studying?” Phil said suddenly, slicing through the now uncomfortable silence that hung like a cloud in the room. A look of relief spread across Dan’s face, and he flashed Phil a small smile before looking out the window, sun turning his brown eyes gold and Phil looked away before his thoughts became invaded with the image of the boy.

“Law.” Dan replied, grimacing slightly, like the word tasted bad on his tongue, and Phil knew that feeling all too well. But law? For a guy who dressed like something straight out of a princess movie?

“Really? Law?” Phil asked, raising his eyebrows and tugging at a piercing in his earlobe and that caught Dan’s eye, his look outlining Phil’s body, lingering on the strip of skin exposed between the cuff of his jacket and his hand, the ink peeking out slightly. He snapped out of his daze and met Phil’s eyes again.

“Yeah, I know, right? It was my parents idea. They promised it was ‘practical’ or something like that. Doesn't appeal to me in the slightest, really.” He said, shrugging and letting his eyes wander once again to the strip of skin, staring intently and the swirls of colour peeking out from under the material.

“Okay. I’ll make you a deal. I’ll show you my tattoos if you promise you won’t tell anyone if I have a quick cigarette.” Phil reasoned, already working out the packet from his pocket, lighter in hand. Dan’s eyes widened, and Phil would be lying if he said it wasn't kinda cute just how innocent he seemed.

“O-okay.” Dan replied, nodding slightly, mouth dropping open slightly when Phil removed his jacket to show off his sleeves of tattoos, numerous etchings running down both arms, colour licking at the skin like flames. Phil smirked around the cigarette and lit it up, taking in a deep breath before blowing it out in a long line of white, lips pursed, and Dan couldn't help but cough slightly, cheeks being stained red once again as he did so.

“Aren’t there smoke detectors in here?” Dan inquired, looking up at the ceiling, flower crown shifting slightly on top of his head. Phil shook his head, taking another drag, trying his best to not laugh when Dan coughed again.

“Nah. If there were, they would've gone off by now. Anyway, m’careful of that stuff. Only takes one strike for a guy like me before I’m out.” Phil stated, an unknown emotion in his eyes and Dan frowned, wondering what he meant. Before he could reply, an alarm started ringing, filling the room with a loud, high pitched whine, and Dan jumped, screaming slightly before covering his ears.

“Fuck. Okay. Maybe there are smoke alarms.” Phil yelled, cursing himself for not being more careful, and, if he wasn’t in his current position, he would've found it cute how Dan yelped at every loud noise, but he was in this current position and he couldn't think about that right now. He ran over to the window and chucked the packet out, not caring where it landed, before unwrapping a piece of gum and chewing it frantically. It didn't take long for someone to show up at the door.

“Alright. Who’s smoking?” A guy asked, and Phil exhaled in relief when he saw it was an older student and not a teacher. The asking was kind of pointless, since his eyes were trained on Phil, not even giving Dan a second glance, and suddenly, Dan knew what Phil meant about the ‘a guy like him’ bit. He didn't exactly look like a role model student, what, with arms covered in tattoos and multiple piercings on his face alone. Dan slowly inched closer to Phil, taking the cigarette from where it was lodged between his fingers behind his back, stepped forward and held it up to the man.

“I- I was. I- I’m really sorry. It won’t happen again, I just didn't know you weren't allowed to and-” Dan rambled, smiling slightly as he saw Phil shoot him a confused look, a mix of awe and thanks. The man in the door, however, wasn't so convinced.

“Really now? You? Smoking? Prove it.” He interrupted, and added on the last part when Dan nodded a little too eagerly in response to his questions. Phil knew this was it. Knew it was over. He’d be kicked from Uni before he even had his first class and his parents would probably ground him for life. Dan shakily brought the cigarette up to his lips, and Phil stared in shock, because no, he wasn't actually going to was he? He was, apparently. Dan inhaled like he’d seen Phil do not even a couple of minutes ago, and the rational part of him yelled at himself, because why? Why was he doing this for a total stranger? But it was too late now, as the smoke had already been inhaled, and his chest was constricting, eyes watering and body nearly doubling over with the amount of effort it took to not cough.

“Are you happy now? Because I think he’s proven himself.” Phil questioned, stepping forward slightly and crossing his arms, because, he knew he could look threatening, and quite frankly, he wanted this guy out. It was all he could do to not smirk in amusement as the guy’s eyes widened slightly, fear clear on his features and somewhat reluctantly, the guy nodded and muttered something about not letting him catch them again before the door was shut and Dan could finally cough, eyes running and chest constricting. Phil winced in sympathy, remembering his first cigarette and lightly rubbed circles into his back, trying his best to ignore the warmth shooting through him and the sparks coursing through his veins because he couldn't like Dan like this. Couldn't like a guy like this. He needed to like girls, or at least trick himself into thinking he did.

“Fuck. Thank you. So much.” Phil breathed once Dan had stopped coughing, his eyes dry now. Dan nodded, swallowing harshly and wincing at the funny taste in his mouth.

“I-it’s fine. Everyone deserves a second chance and you shouldn't be judged on how you look. It’s not right.” Dan said, voice wavering slightly from all the coughing, flashing Phil a grin that made his heart leap and yup, Phil thought, he was well and truly fucked.

***

If he thought he was fucked before, then that was the biggest understatement of his life, because now he was more than fucked, he was so beyond fucked he wanted to cry. Not only did he have a really hot roommate who had saved his butt back there, but now he had a really hot roommate who saved his butt and apparently wore lace panties on his own. Phil swallowed hard, eyes trained on the thin material stretching across his tanned arse, the lace really not leaving much to the imagination.

“Umm D-dan,” Phil stuttered, trying his best to remain somewhat composed, “aren’t you cold?” He finished lamely, all but physically tearing his eyes away from the younger boy’s arse to look up at his face.

“No, I wear this all the time to bed.” He replied, shrugging nonchalantly and sitting down on the sofa. Right. Great. This is a common thing, amazing, Phil thought, desperately trying to push the image of Dan out of his head before he’d have to excuse himself to take a cold shower. Taking a deep breath, he sat down next to the other boy and awkwardly bounced his knee, trying to relieve some of the tension he was feeling. God, this was not good, this was so not good.

“Phil, are you okay?” Dan yanked Phil from his thoughts while smirking, fucking smirking, and Phil wanted to scream because, no, no he wasn’t okay but instead he just nodded and flashed him a grin, because fuck, two can play this game, and Phil liked to win.

“Yeah, m’fine babe, you?” Phil retorted, biting his lip and winking, smirking when Dan blushed a hundred shades of red and he’d be lying if he said it wasn't at all relieving to know that he had a similar effect on Dan as he had on him.

“Just great, thanks.” Dan muttered, grinning evilly when he saw his laptop on the other side of the sofa, resting next to Phil. With an exaggerated stretch upwards, making sure to expose both his crotch and his stomach, he straddled Phil’s lap and grabbed his laptop, more determined than ever to get what he wanted now he knew Phil was playing too.

“D-dan-” Phil gasped, squeezing his eyes shut as Dan wriggled around slightly, smirking when Phil whimpered slightly, the laptop now abandoned on the sofa once more. He ground his hips down again, feeling Phil shudder slightly under him, and wow, okay, he’d never had this effect on anyone before, that’s for sure and he might as well make the most of it.

“Not so intimidating now, are you, hmm?” Dan whispered, letting his lips ghost the shell of Phil’s ear, sending tingles down the older boy’s spine, goosebumps rising on the expanse of his skin. Phil’s eyes shot open, breathing turning ragged and this was bad, this was very bad, because all he could feel was Dan, all he could smell was Dan, all his senses were filled with the boy sitting in his lap. Phil felt Dan’s lips move against his ear, clearly saying something else, but all he could hear was the sporadic thumping of his heart in his ears, all he could feel was Dan’s presence everywhere, and okay, this needed to stop before something else began.

“No Dan, stop.” Phil gritted out, using every ounce of his willpower to push the boy off of him, pretending not to notice the hurt look on Dan’s face, instead opting to stand up and walk into the bathroom.

“Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Phil muttered, leaning over the sink and looked at his reflection in the mirror, “pull yourself together. You like girls, not guys. Girls.” Sighing, he splashed some water onto his face, taking in his appearance once again with a grimace, rubbing his hands down his features. After he brushed his teeth, he exhaled shakily and walked back out into the room, finding Dan sitting on the sofa still, laptop balanced on his lap, scrolling through what Phil could see to be Tumblr.

“Night.” He said, breaking the silence, causing Dan to jump, laptop nearly falling to the ground. Dan looked around and caught Phil’s eye, giving him a half smile in return with sad, puppy dog eyes and Phil’s heart clenched painfully. Great. He hadn't even known him a day and he’d already managed to hurt him, God knows what he’d do if given longer. He didn’t want to even think about that possibility.

***

Around an hour later and Phil heard Dan crawling into his own bed opposite Phil’s, muttering a quiet ‘night’ into the night before turning over, his back facing Phil, and all the older boy could think about was brown eyes and pastel clothing.

***

It was around two am that Phil really wished he was asleep, because it was around that time that Dan started shifting around awkwardly in his bed, quiet grunts and sighs falling from his slightly parted lips, and confusion clouded Phil’s mind as he wondered just what Dan was doing. He could make out the outline of his body from his side of the room, eyes having adjusted enough to make out some of the finer details, like the way Dan slept with his arms wrapped around his pillow or the way his hair would splay out, a darker shade of shadow against the silhouetted pillow. It all became painfully clear when a loud moan tumbled from Dan’s slightly parted lips and Phil’s eyes shot open, body tensing up because Dan was asleep, Dan was asleep and was having a wet dream not even twenty feet away from him. Fuck.

“Oh!” Dan gasped, and Phil’s muscles twitched in protest at being tensed so tightly, cramp starting to form in his calves. Dan let out another moan, followed by a high pitched sigh and Phil could see his body moving under the covers, hips rutting against the mattress as his eyes scrunched up tighter. In fact, he was too distracted in watching Dan’s movements to even realise that he himself was growing hard, dick straining against the thin material of his boxers and no, this couldn't be right, he liked girls, not guys, girls. But nonetheless Dan’s noises continued, as did the growing bulge in his pants, and maybe it was just because he hadn't got laid for a while, maybe it was just because he was horny, worked up, sexually frustrated. Yeah, that was it, he’d just jack off now and try and get laid in the morning.

“Oh God…” Dan whimpered again, and Phil’s dick was painfully hard by that stage, pre-come bubbling up to the slit, smearing against the fabric of his boxers and, with only a moment's hesitation, he slipped his hand under the material and took ahold of his throbbing member. He tried not to think of anything in particular as his hand worked up and down his dick, but Dan’s noises were making that incredibly hard for him and soon enough it was brown eyes and hair swimming around in his head. The mental images kept coming, getting dirtier and more graphic as time progressed, images of him hovering above Dan as he pounded him into the mattress, the noises Dan was making being made just for him, his face as he rode out his orgasm. Phil’s hand worked over his dick faster and faster, head thrown to the side, chest heaving as he could feel the heat pooling in his gut. He reached down with his other hand to grab his balls, rolling them in his palm as his strokes increased in speed, having to bite down on his lip to stop any noises from tumbling from his lips.

“Ah- Uh! Phil!” Dan keened, and Phil didn't even realise his eyes were closed until they snapped open to look at Dan, his hips slowing in movements, face turned towards Phil, mouth hanging open in bliss, eyes tightly shut, and Phil let out a quiet whine, sucking on his lip piercings in a futile act to try and remain quiet because Dan just fucking came, came while he wasn't even twenty feet away from Phil, came while moaning his name. Phil wondered what Dan would do if he woke up right now, how he’d react if he saw Phil jacking off to him, face and neck flushed, forehead sweaty, covers thrown back, exposing his lower half, dick throbbing and red. The image in his head was too much, what with Dan’s innocent eyes and cum stained panties. Phil swiped his thumb across the head of his cock, the coil in his stomach snapping as he thrashed around, hand leaving his balls to fist the sheets, other hand still working at his dick, his snakebites rolling out from his mouth as his jaw dropped open, eyes scrunching up as his abdomen and chest was covered in white, hair mussed against his pillow. Fuck. His breathing started to even out, heart slowing and he somewhat reluctantly let go of his dick, grimacing at the stickiness on his hand.

***

His actions didn't really hit him until he was back from the bathroom, back from cleaning up the mess he made, and then they hit him like a brick wall. He had gotten off to Dan, to a guy, to a guy he found hot and anxiety and guilt bubbled in his stomach, uneasiness setting in, worry coursing through his veins because he wasn't gay. He couldn't be gay. He was straight, he had to be. The voice in his head mocked him, telling him that if he was straight he wouldn't have done what he had just done, wouldn't have liked the way Dan acted earlier in the evening, wouldn't find Dan hot. But he did, he fucking did, and it was with those thoughts racing through his head that he finally fell into an uneasy slumber.

***

It was the sun that woke Phil, having forgotten to shut the curtains the night before, and he scrunched his eyes shut to keep the unwanted intrusion out. It would have appeared that Dan woke up the same way too, as Phil heard him shuffling around opposite across the other side of the room, grunting quietly before fast paced footsteps were heard darting to the bathroom and Phil figured he’d found the mess from last night. He decided to stay in bed and pretend to be asleep until Dan had stripped his bed and got cleaned up, not wanting to embarrass him anymore.

***

“Phil!” Phil heard someone yell, followed by a persistent shaking of his shoulder. Reluctantly he opened his eyes, blinking blearily at the silhouetted form of none other than Dan towering over him.

“What?” He mumbled groggily, throwing an arm over his eyes, kicking his legs out from under the covers and stretching them. He could feel Dan’s eyes on him and propped himself on an elbow once he’d adjusted to the light, subconsciously running a hand through his hair, forcing his fringe into a quiff. Dan’s eyes were still burning holes in his head so he turned to meet his gaze, guilt crashing over him as last night’s events came flooding back to him, but he forced down the feelings and willed himself to stare directly at Dan.

“You’ve overslept! Classes start in fifteen minutes!” Dan yelled, and Phil realised with a start that while he had been pretending to be asleep, he had actually fallen asleep. Shit. He then noticed that he was still only in his boxers and he jumped up, not missing the way Dan’s eyes froze on his bare torso, scanning over the various inkings etched there. Phil sheepishly grinned at him, rubbed the back of his neck and briskly walked into the bathroom, turning on the shower before stepping under the hot spray.

After taking the quickest shower known to mankind, he grabbed his boxers from where he’d discarded them on the floor and ran out of the bathroom door, clad in only a towel covering his lower half, before running straight into something hard, sending Phil stumbling back slightly as Dan fell against his chest. Phil has often had moments in his life where he wished he could disappear, wished the ground would just swallow him whole to spare him the embarrassment of the moment and this was a prime example of one of them. Dan placed both his hands on Phil’s chest for leverage to push away from him, eyebrows tugged down in a worried notion, head bowed almost submissively.

“I-I’m s-sorry I-I did-didn’t see you and y-yeah…” Dan lamely stuttered out, voice strained and Phil wondered if he was on the verge of tears. Phil stood still for a moment or two, frozen in place, mouth opening and closing a few times, the words getting jammed in his throat. Dan’s hands were burning holes into his skin, his fingers splayed still splayed out over his chest, black ink contrasting against milky skin.

“It’s fine.” He managed to spit out eventually, kicking himself mentally as Dan’s frame seemed to deflate even more. All at once Dan seemed to notice where his hands were still placed and quickly pulled them away, as if Phil’s skin were burning him and turned to grab his bag from the floor. The elder noticed his flower crown on the floor, colours of purples and pinks contrasting against the beige carpet. Leaning down to pick it up, he took Dan’s elbow in his hand, stopping him from leaving, and lifted up his chin slightly with his thumb before placing it on his head once more, dropping his hand back down to his side afterwards. Dan closely resembled a deer caught in headlights and Phil wondered if he was even breathing, his cheeks burning bright red and pink lips slightly parted. Before he could stop himself, his eyes were flickering down to look at Dan’s lips, his own bottom one tucked between his teeth as he imagined what it would be like to kiss him, how Dan would react, maybe thread his long fingers through his hair or run them up and down his back, clutching at his still damp skin.

Just as Phil was about to lean in further, a loud ringing made them both jump, tension broken and Dan shot him an apologetic, shy smile as he pulled out his phone and answered it, chatting somewhat tensely with the person on the other end of the line as Phil mutters something about getting changed before walking over to his bed and pulling out some clothes from the wardrobe next to it. He can still hear Dan talking and he realised just how close he had come to kissing him and, to his horror, the idea that he liked both boys and girls was making a lot more sense.

***

It turned out his lecture was halfway across the campus, and finding his way there was a lot more complicated than he would’ve first thought. Of course he had a map, but honestly, a bunch of multicoloured squiggly lines were hardly less confusing than the actual buildings themselves. Every building looked the same, what, with the identical bleak brick work and tiled roofing. In fact, the only difference really was the height of the buildings but that was just as much as help as the map itself.

Phil ended up being twenty minutes late to his first lecture, which didn't make a good first impression on the teacher despite his reasoning. He could already feel several sets of eyes scanning over his body and he resisted the urge to cave in on himself self consciously, instead turning to glare back at the people who were glaring at him until they looked away.

He found his mind wandering for the whole class, doodling aimlessly on the piece of paper in front of him, drawing little music notes and band names in the margin as the professor droned on about some poet from the eighteen hundreds. It wasn't that he wasn't interested, because he was, English was probably one of his passions, but he just didn't want to be studying it at some dumb uni when he could be learning it by himself, not when he could be living it instead of reading it out of textbooks. Still, it was either English or Sports according to his parents and really there was no question about what one he’d rather do.

By the end of the class he had managed to take some decent notes, the spaces between the lines filled in with various patterns and thoughts making the page look like a three year old’s drawing but Phil didn't mind, he could still read them and that was all that mattered.

On the way back to his room his feelings were a mix of dread and anticipation, of excitement and horror, and it was starting to fuck with his head. When he was at the door, he was half praying Dan would be out and half praying he would be in. God, he was a mess.

“Phil?” Dan called as the elder opened the door, not turning around from where he was currently tidying his desk idea. Phil considered staying silent and creeping up behind him, scaring him, before realising that that probably wasn't a) the smartest idea and b) not very nice. Instead he opted for the sarcastic approach as he shut the door loudly.

“No, it’s just some random person who happens to have a key to our room, maybe a crazed killer or some shit.” He replied and he heard Dan scoff, shaking his head as he organised what Phil could make out to be a stack of papers from his current position.

“Well, you never know, could be. Hey, can you give me a hand with this?” Dan asked, signalling to his now bare desk, the previous contents strewn across his bed. Nodding, Phil grabbed one end of the desk and helped Dan lift it up.

“Where’s this going anyway?” Phil inquired, arms straining at the weight of the desk, and Dan nodded to a space right against the wall, his own arms shaking at the effort. The two boys managed to position it against in the right place, setting it down and flexing their hands, wincing from the pain.

“I am so weak it’s unreal.” Dan complained with a laugh, starting to move the items from his bed back onto his desk, folders and text books. Phil laughed with him, taking a seat on his own bed and watching as Dan worked, making sure everything was neatly lined up and organised.

“There, perfect.” He thought aloud, clapping his hands slightly when he stood back to admire his work and Phil felt his heart melt slightly, a fond smile taking over his features before he realised what he was doing.

“Ugh. I have an hour and a half before my next lecture. I might sleep or some shit.” Phil muttered, running a hand down his face before flopping down on his bed, an arm strewn across his face awkwardly. Dan rolled his eyes and grabbed something from the shelf above his bed.

“No! An hour and a half is the perfect amount of time for a movie!” Dan pointed out and Phil groaned exaggeratedly before standing up and following Dan to the sofa.

***

Half an hour or so into the movie and Phil felt his eyelids drooping, the exhaustion of not getting more than four hours sleep the night before kicking in. He tried his best to focus on the laptop screen, but the colours starting blurring and his eyes kept getting heavier and heavier.

***

He didn't remember falling asleep, but when he next came to he was sprawled out on the sofa with a hand carding through his hair and a finger tracing the intricate patterns on his arms. He sighed happily, eyelids fluttering open to see brown eyes staring back down at him. Squinting slightly, he blinked out the sleep from his eyes and attempted to smile at Dan, body going rigid.

“What time is it?” He mumbled, rubbing his eyes with one of his hands, causing Dan to remove his finger from Phil’s arm and Phil all but deflated in relief.

“You’ve been asleep for around half an hour so you have another half hour before class.” Dan informed him, hand nestled in Phil’s hair, gently playing with the strands. With a tired nod, Phil sat up and stretched, Dan’s hand no longer in his hair and Phil felt like he could breathe again.

“I’m gonna go fix my hair.” He muttered, running a hand through his now spiky fringe with a grimace and Dan bit his lip anxiously.

“Sorry, I didn't mean to mess it up.” He apologised nervously, head bowed once more and Phil thought that it must be a habit of his, to apologise and submit to people. If he was attracted to him he would go as far as to call it endearing but he wasn't so that was out of the question.

“You didn’t, it’s fine. It always gets messy when I sleep anyway.” Phil said reassuringly, using his fingers to straighten it out once more. Dan offered him a small smile, cheeks flushing slightly pink as he did so, and, considering Phil was supposed to be ‘intimidating’ there was something about the brown eyed boy that made him melt.

***

The rest of the day was spent attending various classes and fitting in naps wherever he could, trying his best to stop his mind from wandering back to brown eyes and pastel colours. By five o’clock, all his classes had finished for the day and he’d also managed to get a good two hour sleep in before dinner was due.

“Are you gonna go to dinner now?” Dan asked him shyly, tugging on the sleeves of his mint jumper, not meeting his eyes, and Phil frowned internally at how Dan’s nature changed from being open to shut tight in a matter of hours.

“Yeah, probably,” Phil answered, noticing Dan’s worried eyes and hidden hands before adding, “wanna come with?” The younger boy visibly relaxed, shoulders slumping before nodding quickly, offering a sheepish smile in Phil’s direction.

“C’mon then.” Phil said, smiling back and knocking his shoulder into Dan’s teasingly. And he didn’t miss the blush spread across Dan’s cheeks nor the butterflies in his own stomach no matter how much he tried to ignore them.

***

Dinner was, in a word, uneventful. Apparently they’d hit ‘rush hour’ which meant queuing up for fifteen minutes and struggling to find a table. Add that to the crappy food that they were given and Phil was seriously thinking about living off pizza for the rest of his Uni education.

“Is it bad that I’m contemplating never going back there again?” Dan asked Phil as they walked through the door of their dorm, smiling shyly at the end and Phil grinned back, happy that he was finally out of his shell.

“Well that makes two of us then.” Phil laughed, tongue poking out of his mouth slightly and Dan’s heart skipped a beat. Phil’s laughter died down as he caught Dan gazing at him, a small smile etched onto his lips, a light blush dusting his cheeks and Phil’s breath caught in his throat. Dan opened his mouth as if to say something before closing it once again and casting his eyes downward with an awkward cough.

“I’m gonna go to bed soon, I think. I have an eight am class tomorrow so…” Dan tailed off, eyes flickering back up to meet Phil’s shyly and Phil grinned back at him, scanning over his features with a fond look before he realised what he was doing and mentally chided himself.

“Yeah, sounds good. I’m probably sleeping soon anyway.” Phil replied, his eyes lingering on Dan’s face for a moment longer before he coughed and turned away, heading to the bathroom to prepare for bed.

***

“Hey, Dan, have you seen my-” Phil’s words caught in his throat, mouth hanging open because -fuck - he forget what Dan wore to bed. The boy in question turned around, meeting Phil’s eyes and raising an eyebrow.

“Have I seen what?” He asked, cocking his head to the side innocently. Phil stuttered out something about a book, eyes drifting down to Dan’s arse and cock every few seconds before shooting back up to his eyes, catching Dan’s gaze awkwardly.

“Is it on your desk?” Dan suggested, blushing when he realised what Phil was doing, trying to pull his tee shirt down lower. Tearing his gaze away, Phil turned around to scan over his desk, seeing the book he needed on top of the pile.

“Uh yeah, thanks.” Phil muttered awkwardly, kicking himself for being so stupid. Dan nodded in reply and crawled into bed, turning his back to the wall and pulling the covers up to his neck. After putting the books he needed for tomorrow in his bag, Phil finally pulled his tee shirt over his head and kicked off his skinny jeans. Going to turn off the light, he paused momentarily after seeing Dan’s eyes slightly open and scanning over his body appreciably and Phil blushed slightly, flicking off the light quickly so Dan wouldn't see.

He slept surprisingly well that night.

***

Dan was already gone when Phil woke up. Which, okay, wasn't surprising given that it was half eight in the morning and he had an eight o’clock lecture. Stretching out, Phil yawned and realised that he essentially had a free day, his only lecture being six in the evening. Standing up he decided to do something that wasn't lounging around all day.

***

It wasn't like he meant to run into them, literally run into them, but somehow Phil had managed to turn a corner and knock right into three people. Usually he would’ve brushed past them, maybe elbowed one on the way, but he saw a glimpse of a tattoo on one of the guy’s arm and looked up to find three heavily pierced and inked guys staring back at him.

“Hi.” Phil said eventually after a while of awkward eye contact. The guys looked him up and down before one of them stepped forward, offering a small smirk in reply.

“M’luke. This is Alex and this is PJ.” He said, gesturing to the guys next to him, one with blue hair - Alex - and the other - PJ - had brown, curly hair and a general aura that radiated something comforting. Luke himself had black hair, a lip piercing and an eyebrow bar.

“I’m Phil.” He replied, feeling a little relieved that he wasn't the only punk at this university. Luke nodded and lit up what Phil thought was a cigarette, only to realise upon closer inspection that it was in fact a joint.

“Want one?” He asked when he caught Phil staring. Nodding quickly, Phil happily took the fresh joint and placed it between his lips, inhaling deeply.

“Where did you get this?” Phil inquired in awe, still feeling the relief flooding through him as he smoked the familiar drug. Luke just shrugged and passed his lighter to Alex and Pj.

“I know some people who know some people.” Luke replied, taking another drag from the joint and letting the smoke billow out around him. After three joints Phil decided to head back.

***

By the time Phil reached the dorm, he was feeling sluggish and tired from the drugs in his system, just wanting to curl up and sleep. Dan was already lounging on his bed, a law textbook in his hand and a bored look on his face. He didn't seem to see Phil until the elder flopped awkwardly on his own bed and then he jumped slightly, head snapping up to look at the bed across from his..

“Jesus, you gave me a heart attack.” Dan fake gasped, feigning terror by placing a hand on his heart and Phil laughed, face buried in his pillow, smiling internally about how Dan no longer acted guarded around him.

“You’re funny.” Phil mumbled, still laughing slightly into the pillow and Dan frowned, looking at Phil almost quizzically.

“Are you high?” Dan hissed, voice raising in pitch out of disbelief, voice a harsh whisper. Phil blinked at him before nodding and giggling, stretching out on his bed.

“Sure am,” he confirmed, grinning lazily at Dan before frowning slightly, “how do you know. Aren't you like Mr Innocent?” Dan scoffed at Phil’s words, letting his head tilt back a little.

“Phil, I haven’t been living under a rock for the last 18 years, I know what a person looks like when they’re high. And how would you know anything about me?” Dan stated, catching Phil’s gaze once again.

“Is that a challenge?” Phil questioned, head cocking to the side and Dan just smirked, spreading his hands out in front of him.

“It’s whatever you want it to be.” Dan replied and Phil laughed, his head dropping back onto the pillow, eyes staring at the ceiling.

“I’ll take it as a challenge. So, Dan, tell me more about how you ‘haven’t been living under a rock’.” Phil laughed, tilting his head slightly to look at the boy across from him.

“What do you wanna know?” He stated calmly, returning his gaze back to his textbook while Phil thought about it.

“Last kiss?” Phil asked, gauging Dan’s reactions carefully. The younger boy didn't even falter, eyes continuing to read the words in front of him.

“Last year sometime.” Was the response and Phil frowned, wanting more than a half hearted response.

“When was the last time you got laid?” Phil asked and he smiled when Dan looked at him briefly before looking back to the book.

“Never.” He replied and Phil froze, a shot of something that felt like arousal rushing straight towards his dick at the thought of Dan being as innocent as this. Fuck. No. Stop it, Phil mentally chided, shaking the thoughts out of his head and placing the arousal down to the weed.

“Last girlfriend?” Phil questioned and Dan froze slightly, hands gripping tighter onto the book in his hands. Dan’s eyes faltered and he allowed them to drop to the duvet underneath him.

“I- um- I haven’t had a girlfriend- I- um- I don’t swing that way.” He whispered and Phil nearly didn't hear him. Nearly. The way Phil saw it, he had two options. One, freak out and refuse to speak to him again or two, shrug it off and pretend it meant nothing. Either way he was fucked. At least when he could pretend Dan was straight he could pretend that he had no chance with him and-. What the fuck, no, he didn't have a chance with him because he liked girls, not guys. A nagging voice in the back of his mind reminded that maybe he liked both - after all he had had crushes on guys before. He shoved it away, drowning it out with his reply.

“Oh- um- yeah, that- that’s cool.” He stuttered awkwardly, not even sounding believable to his own ears, and he saw Dan’s eyes harden, face becoming unreadable and he wanted to kick himself. Instead he buried his face back into his pillow and decided to sleep until his class.

***

The lecture was as good as lectures could be, Phil thought as he trudged back across the campus and to his dorm. He could’ve paid more attention to what was being said - and he would've - if his last conversation with Dan didn't keep swimming back into his head every few seconds. Taking a deep breath, Phil opened the door to the dorm, bracing himself for whatever was going to come his way.

“Hey.” He muttered to Dan as he walked in, the younger boy just nodding his way, not even meeting his eyes and great, just great, he thought, he’d managed to make Dan retreat back into himself again, way to go. “Look, I’m sorry… about earlier.” Phil said, backing down and swallowing his pride. Dan didn't react, keeping his eyes glued to his book as if Phil wasn't even there. “You know what? Fine. Don’t talk to me then.” He snapped, throwing his bag in the vague direction of his bed - internally smiling when Dan jumped as it crashed onto his desk, sending books flying - before turning on his heel and slamming the door behind him, the awkward tension in the air of the dorm almost suffocating.

***

He didn't know where he was going, not really, but somehow his feet had led him back to the same place he was yesterday and thank fuck Alex, Luke and PJ were sat down against the brick wall, smoking something and passing round a bottle of vodka.

“Hey.” He muttered, sitting down across from them and pinching the bridge of his nose, sucking his snakebites into his mouth, sighing heavily. Luke raised an eyebrow and passed a lit joint and the bottle of vodka to him which he gladly took.

“What’s happened?” PJ asked, sounding like he actually cared and Phil was thankful for that as he took a swig of the drink, wincing slightly before taking a drag of the joint.

“My fucking roommate.” Phil all but snarled, and he knew that logically he shouldn't be mad at Dan, it wasn't his fault for the way he handled the situation but fuck he was so caught up and confused.

“What’s wrong with him? Is he a complete dick or summat?” Alex asked, bringing the bottle up to his lips and downing around a quarter.

“Something like that. More like he came out as gay yesterday and let’s just say I didn’t exactly handle it in the best way.” Phil sighed, taking another drag of his joint, blowing it out expertly. Luke sniggered next to him, throwing his own finished joint behind him before lighting a new one.

“The fag got what he deserved,” he scoffed, and something possessive ran through Phil’s blood then before shaking it off, Dan could look after himself, “here, have this, God knows you’re gonna need it.” Luke finished, handing Phil a full bottle of vodka which he gladly took multiple swigs from, feeling the drugs and alcohol mix in his system, head beginning to feel slightly fuzzy and relaxed. He noticed a frown etched onto PJ’s face and a part of him wanted to ask if he was okay.

***

“It’s midnight, guys, we should really head back.” PJ suggested, standing up and looking at his phone. Phil laughed and shakily tried to clamber to his feet, swaying precariously before nearly falling over, PJ catching him with an arm around his waist.

“I don’t wanna go!” Phil all but yelled, the empty bottle of vodka still held in his hands. PJ shushed him and muttered something to Luke and Alex about taking him home before gently guiding Phil towards the dorm buildings.

“Where’s your place?” PJ asked when they neared the corridor and Phil waved his hand in the direction of his door, allowing himself to be guided towards his dorm. Raising a hand, PJ knocked harshly on the door and somewhere in the back of his mind Phil felt bad about waking Dan up.

“What?” Dan said as he answered, clad in only his oversized tee and those God forsaken panties and Phil couldn't tear his eyes away from the fabric, not while he was this drunk. PJ followed his gaze before blushing furiously and meeting Dan’s eyes once more.

“He’s hammered. Like completely hammered. Managed to get through four joints and down a whole bottle of vodka. Doubt he’ll be able to go to his classes tomorrow. Just- watch over him, yeah? Make sure he drinks a lot of water and eats something tomorrow.” PJ informed Dan, slowly passing him into Dan’s arms and Dan couldn't help but feel a pang of guilt in his stomach.

“Thanks.” Dan nodded, smiling slightly at PJ before shutting the door. Phil giggled into Dan’s shoulder, letting his head rest in the crook of his neck. Sighing, Dan guided Phil to his bed before helping him out of his tee shirt and jeans, blushing as he realised how close he was to Phil’s lower region.

“Pretty.” Phil hummed, threading his hands into Dan’s hair as he helped him out of the jeans, a spark of arousal shooting to his cock as the image of Dan on his knees in front of him really registered. Dan’s cheeks became even redder and he quickly stood, Phil’s hand leaving his head, before he helped him under the covers and flicked off the light.

“Go to sleep, Phil.” He muttered, crawling into his own bed and turning to face the wall.

“M’sorry.” Phil mumbled and before Dan could respond the sounds of Phil’s heavy breathing were filling the room.

***

The following morning Phil woke up to a throbbing headache, a general sense of exhaustion and an intense thirst. Reaching for his glasses on his bedside table, he slipped them on before his hand brushed against a cold surface. Frowning he rolled over and saw a glass of water, two pills and a note. He snatched up the water and swallowed the tablets, sighing as the liquid made its way down his dry throat, before picking up the note and scanning over it.

‘Phil,

Gone to classes, left you some water and some tablets, PJ said that’s the best thing to do. Already emailed your professors to cancel your lectures.

Dan.’

Phil sighed contently and dropped the note back onto the table, stretching out under the covers. God, what did he even drink last night? He remembered smoking and having a few sips of vodka but fucking hell, nothing to leave him this drunk. Rubbing his eyes, he sat up and walked across the room to grab his laptop, stopping momentarily to wait for everything to stop spinning, before retreating back to his bed and loading up an anime.

***

“Good, you’re up. I brought you some food back.” Dan greeted somewhat coldly when he walked through the door, dumping a bag on Phil’s bag, pausing when he noticed the anime on his screen and the glasses on his face. Phil nodded in thanks, not wanting to make matters worse by saying something stupid.

“You wear glasses?” Dan asked and Phil nodded again, taking out his earphones and opening the bag to reveal a sandwich and some crisps.

“What happened? Last night I mean.” Phil asked before he could stop himself, busying himself in eating the sandwich. Dan sighed and shook his head, his flower crown shifting slightly as he did so.

“According to the guy who dropped you off, you got through four joints and a whole bottle of vodka.” Dan replied, trying his best to keep all emotion out of his voice, and Phil groaned, running a hand through his hair.

“Jesus, I’m getting old. Used to be able to handle way more than that.” He said, laughing slightly as he remembered the parties he used to go to back home.

“This was a regular thing?” Dan asked, finally looking Phil dead in the eyes, eyebrow raised and Phil nodded, squeezing his eyes shut when the light became too bright.

“Yup, used to do it at least four times a week before my parents decided it wasn't ‘healthy’ and that I needed to ‘do something with my life’. They never fucking approved of anything I did. I used to be a straight A student - believe it or not, but even that wasn't good enough for them so I stopped trying, ended up here.” Phil rambled, laughing bitterly and looking down at his hands, trying to shove the memories away. Dan stared at him for a couple of moments, feeling a mix of things before finally speaking up.

“I’m sorry.” He said and Phil just shook his head.

“It’s fine. I’m used to it. It’s always been that way, they’ve always cared more about money and reputation than they do about me. Not the most accepting of people either, put it that way.” Phil explained and Dan frowned.

“What do you mean?” He asked and Phil hesitated before speaking again.

“I had a friend once when I was 14,” he started, resisting the urge to add on that they were more than that, “he came out to me as gay. Let’s just say when my parents found out they were horrified, completely cut him out of my life, blocked his calls, even considered making me move schools because I could still see him there.” Phil finished, swallowing down the words he so desperately wanted to add; he was probably the last person I was close to.

“Phil,” Dan breathed and Phil refused to meet his eyes, keeping them fixed on his duvet instead, pulling at a loose thread, “that- that’s awful.” Phil scoffed.

“That’s hardly the worst of it, Dan. There’s a reason I went out almost every night.” Phil said before coughing and straightening up, kicking himself for not keeping his mouth shut when he felt Dan’s gaze bore into him.

“Phil, I-” Dan started, only to be cut off.

“Just don’t, okay? Just don’t. Please.” He added on the last word almost as an afterthought, the word nothing more than a hushed whisper. “I’m gonna go for a walk, get some fresh air.” He muttered before getting out of bed and pulling on his jeans and tee shirt - although he didn’t recall even taking them off - and slipping into his shoes. Grabbing his phone and earphones on the way out, he shut the door, cutting off Dan’s voice.

***

He didn't walk anywhere in particular but he made sure to steer clear of Luke’s hangout spot. The last thing he needed was more booze in his system. Running a hand through his hair, he turned up the volume on his music, trying to drown out the thoughts racing through his head because - fuck. Why, why did he tell Dan that? He’d never told anyone that, much less someone he’d basically just met. Jesus Christ what was wrong with him?

He found a spot against a brick wall where he could sit quietly and relax without having to worry about being disturbed. The heavy music blaring in his ears kept out most unwanted thoughts for around ten minutes before it switched out for a slower, sadder melody and Phil froze, hands balling into fists and eyes squeezed shut because fuck, it was sod’s law that this song he both loved and hated would play after he’d just brought up the person that gave the song its meaning.

“Fuck.” He hissed, head rested on his knees and hands tangled in his hair, fingers pulling at the strands. Logically he knew that he could just turn it off, change the song, but in some way or another he felt like he owed it to both himself and him.

It was in moments like these that he realised how much he actually hated his parents, moments where images of green eyes and brown hair were flashing behind his eyes, of smiles and slightly crooked teeth, of stolen kisses and midnight meetups. He couldn't think of anything else, couldn't think of anything aside from how his parents had made him the way he was now - scared, alone, in denial. Even as he sat there admitting it to himself a voice in his head and a knot in his stomach urged him to deny it, bottle it up, forget about it because he liked girls.

As the song ended he forced himself to stand up shakily, another fast paced, heavy track blaring into his earphones once more and he felt like he could breathe for the first time in the last six minutes. He made his way back to the dorm.

***

Great, Phil thought, just great. Sighing, he kicked the dorm door before sinking to the floor, resting his head on his knees. Fuck. Of course he’d forget his key on the one time Dan wasn't in. He tried to remember what Dan had said about his classes and roughly what time he’d be back. After a while he figured that it’d be at least half an hour. Great. Closing his eyes, he let his head flop back against the wall.

***

“Phil? Phil?” Startled, Phil’s eyes shot open, sitting up straight instantly. What? Why was he in the hall - oh yeah, no key. Looking up he expected to see Dan looking down at him with an ‘I told you so’ look on his face. Instead he saw PJ, a frown etched onto his face and an extended hand to help him up. He took it.

“What the hell are you doing on the floor?” PJ asked, grinning at him and Phil laughed awkwardly, explaining how he’d forgotten his key.

“Well, wanna come back to my place until - Dan, is it? Is back?” He asked and Phil nodded, following him down the hall to his dorm.

***

“How’s the hangover coming?” PJ asked, bringing Phil a glass of water before sitting next to him on the sofa. Phil nodded in response, taking a sip of his water before placing it on the table in front of him and turning to face PJ.

“Honestly, I’ve felt better.” He laughed and PJ grinned.

“Not surprised honestly, never seen a man down a bottle of vodka so quick, not even Alex,” PJ laughed, pausing before hesitantly continuing, “how are things with Dan, anyway?” Phil winced slightly, still not entirely sure where he stood with Dan.

“They’re- They’re okay, I guess?” It came out as more of a question than a statement and Phil sighed. Nodding, PJ leant back on the sofa, hands tucked behind his head, elbows wide.

“He still mad about the gay thing?” He asked and Phil shrugged, finding sudden interest in the beige carpet at his feet.

“God knows. I- I apologised but he wasn't taking it. It’s not like I meant to be rude about it, I guess it was just a surprise, you know?” Phil explained, trying to rationalise things in his head.

“Phil, the guy wears pastel and flower crowns, what else were you expecting?” PJ laughed and Phil paused for a minute. Luke didn't approve of people being gay, that much was made clear, but he had no idea how PJ and Alex felt and he was walking on rocky terrain.

“Do- do you mind? Like about Dan?” Phil asked, voice a lot softer than he would’ve liked and PJ frowned.

“What, about how you treated him or him being gay?” PJ asked and Phil looked up at him.

“Both, I guess.” He said, sighing and running a hand through his messy fringe, sucking on a snakebite.

“Well, honestly, mate, you could’ve been a bit nicer about it but hey, I get it, spur of the moment thing. As far as the whole gay thing goes, would be a bit hypocritical if I did have an issue with it.” PJ laughed and Phil’s eyes widened slightly.

“You’re- You’re-” Phil stuttered, trying to find what he was actually going to say.

“Bi.” PJ answered and Phil paused, trying to decide how to feel. On one hand he was relieved, God, maybe he could actually talk to someone, on the other he was scared because - fuck - maybe PJ already knew.

“H-how do you know that you were… You know…” Phil asked, tailing off awkwardly and PJ looked at him, something like understanding spreading across his face and Phil’s stomach lurched.

“I guess I’d always liked boys as well as girls. I can remember from an early age liking guys and girls but never thinking much of it. I guess I realised when I was around 13. Came out at 15 and was fully accepted. There’s not much more to tell, really.” He explained and Phil nodded, a pang of envy coursing through him.

“P-Phil, a-are you?” PJ asked, tailing off at the end and Phil winced, burying his head in his hands and sighing.

“I- I don’t know, Peej. I- I don’t want to be, I know that.” He whispered, and fuck, wasn't today just an emotional rollercoaster. PJ nodded and lightly put a hand on Phil’s back.

“Why?” He asked and Phil inhaled deeply.

“Parents.” Phil said and PJ left it at that, not pressing any further. Taking a deep breath, Phil sat up and looked at the clock.

“Dan’ll be back by now. Better go meet him. I’m sorry for this, yeah? Didn't mean to burden you with my issues.” Phil said, standing up and sticking his hands in his too small jeans’ pockets.

“Hey, no. I’m your friend, Phil, it’s what friends are for. I’m here to listen or to talk to or whatever.” PJ explained, pulling him into a cautious hug.

“God, look at us. I feel we should be wearing Dan’s attire at how emotional we’re being.” Phil laughed and PJ looked mildly horrified at the thought of wearing Dan’s clothes before laughing too and opening the door.

“Go on then, Mr. Macho. Seriously though, Phil. Come round whenever, my door’s always open.” PJ said and Phil turned around briefly to smile at him before making his way back down the corridor and to his own room. Chest a little lighter than before.

***

“You’re back.” Dan breathed, a look of relief spreading across his face and Phil stared at him, allowing himself to find it endearing this one time.

“Yeah, sorry for being so long. I did get back earlier but I didn't have my key and you were out so I went to a friend’s place.” Phil said, flopping down on the sofa and looking up at Dan.

“I did try and tell you that I was gonna be at a class but you slammed the door on me before I could finish speaking.” Dan said, a smile tugging on his lips when Phil blushed.

“That’s it. Gimme the flower crown.” Phil sighed, getting up off of the sofa and plucking the crown from Dan’s head before placing it on his own. Dan laughed at how wrong it looked on Phil, the delicate blues and pinks clashing with the red and black of his tattoos.

“Why?” Dan asked, reaching up to take it back, Phil stopping him half way to place it back on Dan’s head himself, smiling slightly when he centred it, a faint pink blush spreading across Dan’s cheeks.

“Because I have been the most emotional person today and honestly I don’t feel worthy of my current clothes.” Phil laughed, hands indicating to his black band tee shirt and ripped skinny jeans.

“Everyone has their off days.” Dan said, shrugging before sitting down on the sofa closely followed by Phil.

“Thank you, Dan. Honestly. For last night, for everything. I- I didn't mean to tell you what I did earlier but I guess I have now and I can’t exactly go back, can I? But really, thanks. I- I’m also really sorry for how I reacted about you coming out to me. It was just a shock and fuck, I handled it in the worst way possible.” Phil explained and yup, that was it, time to get all his tattoos removed, take his piercings out and live in pastel and flower crowns for the rest of his life. Dan grinned lopsidedly at him, a gentle look in his brown eyes and Phil mentally shook his head before he could think about how cute it was.

“Thank you, Phil. That means a lot. And about what you told me, I won’t tell a soul, I promise.” Dan said, holding out his pinky finger. Phil raised an eyebrow at him, an unamused expression on his face before he sighed and reluctantly linked his pinky with Dan’s. “How many tattoos do you have?” Dan asked, noticing more scattered around on Phil’s hand.

“Around thirty something, give or take. Got most of them done at the same time. I turned eighteen ten months ago so I’ve had plenty of time and money’s hardly an issue.” Phil answered, holding out his right arm for Dan to inspect. Carefully, Dan brought his index finger to trace a Chinese dragon on his inner arm, the intricate lines crisscrossing every so often, the black contrasting against Phil’s milky skin.

“I like this one.” Dan said in awe, amazed at how intricate the design was. Phil smiled slightly, the right corner of his mouth twitching up as Dan admired his tattoo.

“Yeah, it’s one of my favourites, it symbolises strength, power and luck to those who are worthy. Kinda like a karma thing. I have a yin yang behind my ear and another dragon on my neck.” Phil explained and Dan tore his eyes away from Phil’s arm to look at the yin yang on his skull instead, a small circle just on the bone behind his right ear. The dragon Dan had seen before, what, with it being so exposed like that, but never this close up, never when he knew he was allowed to look.

“C-can I?” Dan asked, nodding towards the dragon and Phil laughed before nodding, breath hitching when Dan’s finger delicately traced over the design on his neck, goosebumps breaking out across his skin.

“It’s really pretty.” Dan breathed, his breath ghosting Phil’s neck and he shivered slightly before clearing his throat awkwardly, Dan pulling away quickly.

“We- we should get to dinner.” Phil said, standing up quickly and waiting for Dan to follow, not quite making eye contact because shit, he was fucked.

***

Phil didn't eat much of the dinner that was in front of him, partly because it was shit, and partly because he couldn't get his and PJ’s conversation out of his head, nor the feel of Dan’s fingertips on his skin.

“Hey!” Phil heard and looked up immediately, seeing PJ, Alex and Luke walking towards his and Dan’s table.

“Hi, Luke, Alex,” Phil said, nodding towards them before grinning at PJ, “hey peej.”

“Hi.” PJ replied, grinning back at him before he sat down in the seat next to his.

“Hey, Phil.” Luke said, smirking slightly and Alex just nodded.

“Dan, this is Luke, PJ and Alex.” Phil introduced, shooting him a reassuring smile and Dan shyly waved at him, a blush tinting his cheeks, flower crown falling forward slightly as he ducked his head. Luke frowned and Phil froze.

“So this is the fag you were talking about? God, look at him. He looks like he just jumped out of a fairy book. Wouldn’t be surprised if he had, to be honest, he already likes it up the arse.” He said, venom dripping from his voice and Phil’s blood boiled. Before he could react, Dan had stood up, scraping his chair back loudly and making a bee line for the exit. Phil could see the tears welling up in his eyes and something inside snapped as he went to stand up.

“Phil.” PJ warned, a strong hand on his arm and Phil looked down, ready to snap at him, but paused when he saw PJ nodding towards Luke. Slowly he sat back down.

“Good. For a minute thought you were gonna go after the fag. Guess that’d make you a fag too.” Luke snarled, laughing when Phil tried his best to look disgusted.

“Right. This food is shit. Let’s get out of here.” Alex announced, grinning evilly and Phil’s head hurt just thinking about what was going to happen again tonight.

***

Three joints and a half a bottle of God knows what later, Phil was buzzing. His head was light and fuzzy, his limbs felt like they were floating and he couldn't stop laughing. PJ was the voice of reason once again, standing up and announcing that they should start heading back given they all had early classes. Luke scoffed and muttered something about how he didn't actually go to his lectures but stood up nonetheless closely followed by Alex.

“Night, guys. See you tomorrow.” Luke slurred, stumbling slightly as he and Alex walked in the direction of their dorms while Phil and PJ went in the other direction towards their own.

“Hey, Phil, be careful, yeah? Around Luke that is. You know how he gets.” PJ warned and Phil winced remembering that he still had to sort things out with Dan when he got back.

“Yeah, will do. Can’t be bothered to be careful now though, too tired.” Phil mumbled, slurring his words before giggling slightly and PJ just shook his head in amusement.

“And hey, the offer still stands, my door’s always open.” PJ called before he walked into his dorm and Phil nodded, waving, before stepping through his own door.

***

“Phil! You’re home!” Dan said and Phil frowned at him, watching the way he was swaying slightly on the balls of his feet. And yeah, he himself was drunk but Jesus Christ, Dan was hammered.

“A-are you drunk, Dan?” Phil exclaimed and frowned again, wondering how the hell he’d managed to get anything to drink before noticing the now empty bottle of vodka he’d stashed earlier on Dan’s bed.

“I- I don’t know. I- I don’t like it though.” Dan whimpered, reaching out to steady himself on the nearby wall as he nearly fell over, face crumpling as he started to cry and Phil’s heart clenched painfully.

“Hey, hey no. Don’t cry, shh.” Phil murmured, stumbling over to him and taking his face in his hands, gently brushing away the tears with the pad of his thumb.

“Ph-Phil.” Dan cried and Phil bit his lip, pulling the boy in for a hug, shivering slightly when Dan’s nose nuzzled into his neck, breath ghosting the skin. Sighing softly, Phil ran his hands up and down Dan’s back, trying to provide some form of comfort for the sobbing boy.

“Hey, c’mon, look at me, Dan.” Phil said, tilting Dan’s chin up with his thumb and forefinger. The younger boy looked up at him with red rimmed eyes, the brown glinting with unshed tears.

“Everything’s spinning and I feel sick and I’ve never done this before but what that guy said won’t get out of my head and then you basically took his side and I feel so alone and-” Phil cut off his drunken rambling by placing a finger over his lips and Dan froze, eyes fluttering slightly as he relished in the feeling of Phil’s skin against his.

“No. Don’t let Luke get to you like that. He’s a dick, okay? A complete dick. And I didn’t take his side, I promise. I just- I got scared, too, okay? I didn’t know what to do so I stayed and-” It was Phil’s turn to be cut off this time, his slurred words cut short by Dan’s lips pressing against his own and he forgot how to breathe. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Dan was kissing him. Dan, Dan who wore flower crowns and panties to bed, who had been the object of his dreams since he met him, whether he admitted that to himself or not, Dan. And fuck, he was kissing him back, lips sliding against one another and it was quite possibly the best feeling in the world.

“Phil.” Dan gasped breathlessly as he pulled back and Phil froze, body trembling and mind set to overdrive. No. No. No. Fuck, no.

“I- I’m sorry, I can’t.” Phil said, turning around and running out of the dorm, tugging at his hair and cursing. His breath was ragged as he slid down the wall in the corridor, not knowing where the fuck he was going to go until a certain memory came back. On the verge of crying, he ran up to PJ’s and knocked loudly.

***

“Phil, hey, shh. Come on.” PJ murmured, a hand rubbing soothing circles on his back, bottom lip between his teeth. Phil sucked in a deep breath, tears streaming down his face.

“Peej, Peej I can’t. I’m so scared. My parents are going to kill me. They’re going to kill Dan, cut him out of my life like they did Zack.” Phil sobbed, fear coursing through his body and PJ frowned.

“Zack?” He asked and Phil sobbed even harder, hands dangerously close to actually pulling out his hair.

“My first boyfriend, I guess,” Phil said, gasping slightly as he tried to breathe, “he came out as gay and my parents cut him out my life, told me that I couldn’t hang around a guy like that.” He explained in short, not having the energy nor strength to tell the whole story and PJ just nodded, hand continuing to rub circles onto his back.

“Hey, shh, you can stay with me, if you’d like? I don’t have a roommate yet, system fucked up. You could request a room swap for the time being?” PJ offered and Phil nodded quickly, head snapping up as he futilely wiped his eyes and tried to calm his breathing.

“Fuck, please.” He whispered and PJ nodded, standing up and showing Phil to the spare bed opposite his.

“I’ll talk to someone tomorrow. You stay in bed, think things through. I’ll cover for your classes, you didn’t go yesterday either so I’ll say you’re ill or something.” PJ promised before lightly squeezing Phil’s shoulder and leaving him to get ready for bed.

***

Upon waking up, Phil was met with a blissful few seconds of a quiet mind and tranquil body before he remembered where he was and what had happened the night prior. Squeezing his eyes shut, he took a deep breath and looked around for PJ. The dorm was empty and upon checking his phone he realised why. It had gone noon. Great, so not only had he fucked things up between him and Dan, but he’d always missed two days straight of classes. Sighing, he scrubbed his hands down his face angrily, cursing himself mentally.

“Great, I have no stuff either.” Phil thought aloud, standing up and running a hand through his hair. Without bothering to pull on some proper clothes - he was just going across the hall - he left PJ’s - picking up the spare key he had left for him - and made his way back to his own dorm to get his things.

***

“Phil?” A voice asked and Phil mentally slapped himself. Of course Dan was going to be here. He was more drunk than him last night, probably had a killer hangover. Steeling himself, Phil kept his expression blank and emotions guarded, ignoring Dan completely. “Phil? What are you doing?” He asked again and Phil just walked over to his bed, grabbing his suitcase and throwing in various articles of clothing and books. He heard Dan gasp as he caught on followed by a sob he clearly tried to stifle and it took all of Phil’s willpower to not turn around right there and then.

“I’m rooming with PJ.” Phil answered finally, reply blunt and sharp, leaving no room for questions before he stood up and made his way into the bathroom. Fuck, he had really fucked up last night. If he hadn't have kissed Dan - or stopped Dan from kissing him - they wouldn't be in this God awful situation and Dan wouldn't be sobbing on the bed. Way to go, Phil, you just hurt everyone, don’t you? No wonder you’re gonna die alone. His mind said, mocking him, jeering, and he banged his head against a nearby wall to try and make it shut up.

“Phil, Phil please don’t go. I don’t want to be alone, please.” Dan whimpered, appearing in the doorway and Phil sighed, running a hand down his face.

“I have to, Dan. I’m not good for you. I’ll just end up hurting you.” He muttered, shoving his last few things into his bag before pushing past Dan and crossing the hall back into PJ’s dorm with his suitcase. Fuck.

***

He was crying when PJ came home, loud, ugly sobs that kept tearing themselves from his throat and bubbling out of his mouth. PJ didn’t ask why - he had seen the suitcase by his bed and pretty much worked it out - instead he just pulled him into a hug and uttered soothing words which he hoped were comforting.

“Why can’t I be normal, Peej? Why do I end up hurting everyone I meet? I like him, I like him a lot, and I keep telling myself that I don’t, because part of me knows that I shouldn't but - fuck - I do, I like him. I like him and I’m terrified.” Phil whispered into PJ’s shoulder, body trembling slightly.

“Phil, listen to me, you can like who you want, you can love who you want, you can fuck who you want. This is your life and no one can tell who you can or can’t like, okay? Love is love, it doesn't matter what gender the person is, what race, what religion. It doesn't matter, okay?” PJ said sternly, holding Phil at arms length and looking him in the eye.

“But it matters to my parents.” Phil murmured, looking down at his clasped hands and PJ had no idea what to say to that. They sat in silence.

***

Everything went to shit - even more than before - the next day when Phil decided he needed to actually attend his classes. In hindsight, leaving the dorm was probably the worst thing he could’ve done.

It all started on his trip to his first lecture, a building that PJ was in too, so, naturally, they walked together.

“Oi, fag!” A voice called and Phil stopped alongside PJ, frowning at him and the boy next to him looked equally confused. “Oi! I’m talking to you!” It yelled again and Phil turned around only to be met with Luke and Alex walking towards them, scowls etched onto their features and fear turned Phil’s blood cold.

“So Luke was right, you were a fag. Heard you made out with that fucking fairy the other day.” Alex said, disgust present in his tone and Phil’s knees were shaking slightly. PJ flashed him a look before his eyes flickered quickly over his shoulder and Phil got the silent message. Before Luke or Alex could say anything else, they were running and running, bags heavy on their shoulders, heart beating against their ribs loudly, feet gliding over the cracks in the pavement and Phil wondered how much more bad luck that was going to cause.

***

“Fuck.” Phil panted, sliding down PJ’s door once they were safely locked inside the dorm room. Running a hand through his hair, he tried his best to control his breathing, head lolling back against the wood.

“Fuck indeed.” PJ affirmed, trying to even out his own breathing.

“How the fuck did they know?” Phil thought and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to think of how the fuck the word could’ve gotten out. The only person he told was PJ and he wouldn’t - unless he would. Anger bubbled in Phil’s blood. “Did you fucking tell them?” He snapped and PJ’s head snapped up, eyes wide and disbelieving.

“What? Phil, that’s fucking stupid! Of course I didn’t!” PJ spluttered and the more logical side of Phil’s mind knew that he was overreacting, that of course PJ didn’t tell them, but the bigger part, the anger, the hurt, the fear overrode it, telling him that how the fuck else would it have gotten out.

“Bullshit! You’re the only person who knows! Like fuck you didn’t tell them!” Phil yelled, anger building in his gut.

“Phil! Would you calm the fuck down and listen to yourself?! You’re being fucking stupid! I didn’t tell them!” PJ reasoned and Phil scoffed, standing up and flinging his bag across the room.

“Fuck you, PJ.” Phil snarled, turning around and yanking the door open, thrusting his hands into his pockets and making his way outside, needing to clear his head.

***

It wasn’t until he was walking past Luke’s usual hangout spot - not knowing entirely why he went somewhere that would likely cause him imminent death - when he heard whimpers coming from around the corner. He froze, tempted to turn around and walk away until the voice spoke up.

“Pl-please d-don’t, no more, please.” It begged and Phil’s blood boiled, hands balling, lip curling because he knew that voice, he’d know that voice anywhere - Dan. Storming around the corner, he took in the scene - Dan pinned against the brick wall, Alex and Luke towering over him, Luke’s fist pummelling into his stomach.

“You get the fuck away from him.” Phil snapped, walking up to them with a newfound confidence - probably thanks to the adrenaline coursing through his bones. Luke’s head snapped round, anger prominent in his eyes and glared at Phil, laughing under his breath.

“If it isn't fag number two. Come to join in the fun?” He asked, walking away from Dan, Alex following him closely and Phil would’ve laughed at how much Alex was like a trained monkey if he wasn't in the situation he was currently in. Seeing that they’d left Dan alone, Phil made let his gaze flicker over to Dan’s, mouthing ‘run’ and Dan didn’t need to be told twice.

“Well, looks like we’re just going to have to beat you up now, doesn’t it?” Luke jeered, grinning cruelly and Phil swallowed thickly. He wasn’t expecting the first punch. Alex’s fist collided with the side of his jaw, knocking him back and off of his feet. Wincing, Phil cupped his jaw and stood up. Laughing, Luke kneed him in the balls, grinning as he gasped in pain, doubling over and biting his lip to refrain from crying out.

“Aw, the little fag’s hurt.” Alex spat, kicking Phil in the shin when he tried to stand up.

“Alex, go scout out the area, make sure no one comes here. I’ll handle the fag,” Luke said and Alex reluctantly walked over to the only exit/entrance, blocking the passage in and out, “God, the fairy was harder to hit than you. Least he put up a fucking fight. Got a split lip and a black eye, mind you. Serves him right.” Luke grinned, cracking his knuckles and walking towards Phil. Grunting, Phil stood up straight, cracking his neck and looking Luke dead in the eye, anger burning in his stomach. It wasn’t until he saw a splash of colour in his peripheral vision that the coil snapped. Lying on the floor was Dan’s flower crown, white and pink petals littered around the dirty grey of the asphalt, broken in more places than one and that alone was enough to make Phil swing his right arm, catching Luke off guard and landing squarely on his nose, a sickening crunch echoing off of the walls.

“You fucking bastard.” Phil panted, bringing his foot up to connect with Luke’s shin before he could recover, sending him sprawling to the floor, grunting in pain. Not wasting a second, Phil walked over to him, straddling his chest and bringing his fist down again and again onto Luke’s face, fist working of its own accord, releasing the pent up rage. If he’d been in the right mindset, he would’ve found it unusual that Alex hadn’t stepped in yet.

“Stop right now!” A voice yelled from behind Phil. Ignoring it, he landed another punch onto Luke’s bloodied face, relishing in the whimpers of pain he was letting out. Suddenly he was being yanked off of Luke by the collar, and, looking up, he realised that a professor was standing over him and a guilty looking Dan standing behind him. Fuck, he was in deep shit.

***

“Mr. Lester. Phil, is it?” The director, a man called Mr. Connett asked, sitting across from Phil in the small office, glasses falling down his nose slightly and Phil nodded, wincing when he accidentally brushed his bruised jaw. “Would you care to explain what happened earlier?” He inquired and Phil knew it was more of a statement then a question.

“I was giving him what he deserved.” Phil snapped, fists curling at on his lap once more, anger and frustration still running through his body. The director sighed, looking at him sternly through his glasses before inhaling deeply.

“Well, I’m afraid we cannot tolerate this type of behaviour. I have no other choice but to expel you, I’m afraid. Your parents will be notified tomorrow afternoon. You have until then to pack your things.” He informed and Phil clenched his jaw, immediately regretting it as he hissed in pain.

“Fine. Fuck you.” Phil spat, standing up abruptly, the chair screeching loudly across the wooden floor before storming out, slamming the door behind him. Great. Fucking great. He’d been here for two fucking weeks and already managed to get kicked out. Fuck. His parents were going to kill him.

“Phil.” He heard a voice call, only to find Dan standing against the wall next to the office timidly, wringing his hands. At any other time, Phil would've walked over to him, would’ve taken his face in his hands and inspected the damage, would've felt a protective urge kick in. But he didn’t. Instead he was faced with anger - a common emotion for him today.

“No, Dan. Just fuck right off. If you hadn’t gone and gotten that fucking teacher I would’ve handled it and I wouldn’t be fucking expelled would I?!” Phil said, voice raising in volume and he didn’t fail to notice how panic flashed across Dan’s features.

“Ph-Phil I- I-” Dan started only to be cut off by Phil.

“Save it, Dan. You did it and that’s that,” Phil muttered, hands shaking from a mixture of anger and fear, face turned to look at the ground. He didn’t even want to think about what his parents were going to do, “fuck. I’m dead. I’m literally dead.” He whispered and Dan slowly walked towards him, resting a hesitant hand on his back reassuringly.

“It’ll be okay.” Dan murmured and Phil scoffed, blue eyes filling with tears because no, no it wasn’t going to be okay.

“The fuck do you know. You don’t know what it’s like with my parents, Dan. They’re going to kill me.” Phil laughed bitterly, squeezing his eyes shut as he remembered what his dad had done last time he fucked up. “I’m dead. I’m so fucking dead.” Straightening up, Phil brushed Dan off of him, slotting a cigarette from his pocket between his lips and walking out the doors at the other end of the hall.

Walking over to the office door, Dan knocked hesitantly, knuckles covered in the pink material of his sweater.

“Ah, Mr. Howell, what can I do for you?” Mr. Connett asked and Dan took a deep breath.

“I need to talk to you about what happened with Phil.”

***

To say Phil was worried would be an understatement. He was beyond worried, he was frantic. In fact, he had to take a moment to mentally chide his hands from shaking as he loaded the remainder of his things from his old dorm into his suitcase. He was halfway through packing when he had to stop and remind himself to breathe, his stomach lurching and flipping. Taking a shaky breath, he sat down on the edge of his bed and put his head in his hands, trying his best to control his breathing.

“Phil.” Phil heard a voice say and he groaned, annoyance bubbling up amongst the fear.

“What now, Dan? Haven’t you done enough?” Phil snapped, inhaling deeply and keeping his head firmly in his hands, heels of his palms pressing into his eyes.

“I- I talked to Mr. Connett. It’s okay,” Dan started and Phil sighed because it wasn't okay, it so wasn't okay he wanted to scream until Dan got the fucking message, “w-what I’m trying to say is that you don’t need to pack. I- I talked it over with him and he withdrew the expulsion.” He finished and Phil froze, muscles tensing almost painfully before relaxing, his breath leaving his lungs in a sigh, tears pricking his eyes with relief.

“Thanks.” Phil muttered, not sure how else to respond and took a few deep breaths, reassuring himself that he wasn’t going home. Not now.

“C-can we talk?” Dan asked, voice slightly higher than usual and Phil knew he was blushing and pulling at his sleeves without even looking up at him. Phil knew it was pointless to ask what about - that was painfully clear - so he nodded instead, lifting his hands away from his face slowly, eyes still trained on his shoes and the carpet beneath them.

“I- I was drunk, Phil, for the first time which I’m sure you’ll find hilarious,” Dan said, laughing somewhat bitterly at the end and Phil wanted to scoff, “I don’t know why I did it, it was stupid and meaningless, in fact, I think it’d probably be best to forget it ever happened.” Phil’s breath caught in his throat and wow, okay, that hurt - a lot.

“Yeah, yeah fine. Whatever.” Phil said, standing and shoving the rest of his clothes into his suitcase, preparing to take it across to PJ’s.

“Phil, what’s wrong?” Dan asked and Phil scoffed - like he didn’t fucking know.

“Nothing. I’m fine.” Phil replied, mentally kicking himself when his voice cracked at the end. Fuck.

“Phil I-” Dan started as Phil made his way to the door.

“No, Dan, save it. You want me to forget about it? That’s fine. Have a nice life.” Phil spat, walking out the door before slamming it behind him, going down the hall to PJ’s because fuck it all, staying at PJ’s what better than staying with Dan, even if he’d ratted him out.

***

“Didn’t think I’d be seeing you again.” PJ noted as Phil walked through the door, raising an eyebrow as he took in Phil’s bruised jaw. “What the fuck happened to you?”

“Good to know not everyone knows then,” Phil laughed bitterly, throwing his suitcase down on the bed and sighing heavily, “got beat up, Luke and Alex.” He explained and PJ’s eyes widened.

“Wait - you’re the reason they got called down to the director? I knew they beat up Dan but no one knew who bashed Luke in.” PJ stated, walking closer to him.

“Yeah well someone had to fucking save him, didn’t they? Kid couldn’t defend himself, what with pastel jumpers and flower crowns.” Phil scoffed, hating how fond he sounded after two fucking weeks. Pull it together. He shook his head and sat down on the bed. PJ froze momentarily, realisation dawning across his features.

“Y-you like Dan?” He whispered and Phil froze, breathing becoming heavier because he didn’t fucking know anymore. Thoughts ran round and round in his head, scenes playing on repeat like a broken record, annoyance and confusion bubbling up and he snapped.

“Fuck it, PJ! How the fuck am I supposed to know?! All I know is that he told me that he was drunk when he kissed me and that is was meaningless and I should forget about it.” Phil yelled, gripping at his hair as he tried to make sense of his feelings.

“And how did that make you feel?” PJ asked, sitting down next to him hesitantly.

“This isn’t a fucking therapy session,” Phil snapped, taking a deep breath before continuing, “like shit. Like somehow I’d been stabbed in the fucking chest, which is completely fucking dumb because I’ve known him for two weeks.”

“Shit, Phil.” PJ sighed and Phil scoffed because no, really?

“I don’t know why I’m even telling you this, for all I know you might just go and tell Luke more.” Phil said, knowing he was being ridiculous and knowing that subconsciously he was trying to push everyone away.

“Phil, look at me. I promise I didn’t say a word, okay? I don’t know who told them but it wasn’t me. Hell, you ran out crying, Phil, someone must’ve saw you and started a rumour that just so happened to be true.” PJ reasoned and Phil just shook his head.

“I just- I don’t know what to do, Peej. I don’t know what the fuck I am, bi, straight, gay, I don’t know who the fuck I like and I’m so confused.” Phil groaned, tugging at the strands of his hair harder.

“Phil, breathe, okay? You don’t have to work it out yet, alright? Work on how you feel about Dan first and go from there, okay?” PJ asked and Phil just nodded, leaning towards PJ subconsciously.

***

“Look, he’s- he’s working things out right now, give him some time, okay? He’s just confused and scared.” Phil woke up to a voice talking - PJ. Frowning, he squeezed his eyes shut and yawned before standing up and stumbling tiredly towards the door in nothing but a pair of boxers.

“Please tell me you’re not talking to yourself, Peej.” He asked, rubbing his eyes. He froze when he opened them again.

“What the fuck is he doing here?” Phil spat and he saw Dan flinch - he’d be lying if he said that didn’t make him feel bad and he’d be lying again if he said he didn’t want to hug him and tell him he was sorry for snapping yesterday. He didn’t do either of those things, instead continued to stare him down, watching him shift awkwardly from foot to foot.

“I- I was just going.” Dan stuttered out, turning around and walking back down the corridor.

“Phil, was it necessary to be that harsh? He didn’t even know what he did wrong until I told him.” PJ asked and Phil frowned.

“You told him? What the fuck, PJ?! So now he knows I like him, thanks a lot you dick.” Phil snapped - something he was doing a lot of lately - before freezing.

“I knew it!” PJ exclaimed, turning Phil around and pushing him towards the direction of the shower. “Get the hell in there right now and go and tell him you like him.” PJ ordered and Phil stopped, PJ still trying to push him forward.

“Are you out of your mind? What the hell am I supposed to say? ‘Hey, sorry for snapping and I know you told me that the time you kissed me was meaningless to you but I really actually fucking like you, wanna hook up?’” Phil asked, a sense of hopelessness setting in and PJ frowned.

“Phil look. I’ve been where you are now, okay? I’ve had a crush like this before and you know what? I didn’t do anything about it. I never told him and we remained ‘just friends’. Worst fucking mistake of my life. Look, from what you’ve told me about your parents - not very much - I can only guess they’re not accepting of people who aren’t ‘perfect’ in society’s eyes. But Phil, you have ten more weeks of term left, okay? You can figure everything out in ten weeks. Fuck it, you don’t even have to tell them anything you don’t want to. Just shower and get your arse over to Dan’s dorm and tell him how you feel, alright?” PJ said and Phil nodded slowly, processing his words before screwing his eyes up and stepping into the shower.

***

Phil was no stranger to fear, quite the opposite actually, but as he stood with his hand poised over Dan’s door, he was scared beyond belief. He had a lecture in half an hour, a well planned escape route he could use if it got too awkward. Taking a deep breath, he knocked lightly on the door and waited, eyes focused straight ahead, refusing to give in to his fear.

“Hello?” Dan asked, opening the door before stopping dead in his tracks, staring at Phil with wide, almost comical, eyes.

“I need to talk to you.” Phil said, slowly and calmly, mentally congratulating himself when his voice didn’t waver. Dan nodded and led him inside.

***

“Wait, so- so you liked the kiss? You liked me? You like me? Jesus Phil, I’m so confused.” Dan asked, shaking his head and frowning after Phil had told him about his parents, his feelings - everything. Phil scoffed because Dan was confused? Think about how he felt.

“Yes. I like you, Dan. I like you and I’m scared, okay? So if I run out crying any time in the next ten minutes that’s why, alright?” Phil blurted out - like he’s ripping off a band aid.

“Would it be okay if I kissed you again? Make it mean something this time.” Dan asked and Phil tensed up slightly, smiling minutely at the fact that Dan had asked.

“Yeah, yeah sure.” Phil replied, leaning in slowly towards Dan before the younger boy sealed the gap, their lips brushing against one another’s. Phil’s breath caught in his throat, hand reaching up to cup Dan’s neck, fingers tangling in the hairs located there and he had to bite back a moan at how submissive Dan was, going completely pliant in his arms.

“I’m sorry.” Phil muttered when they pulled apart for air, Dan blinking a couple times to break the glaze over his eyes.

“No, Phil. You shouldn’t apologise for being scared.” Dan said and Phil smiled, leaning forward and pressing another small kiss to his lips, nothing more than a peck before pulling away. PJ was right, he had ten more weeks of school, ten more weeks to work everything out, and even then, he didn’t have to tell his parents anything he didn’t want to. Dan leant in for another kiss and Phil’s lecture was forgotten.

***

A week came and went followed by another and another and soon enough Dan and Phil found themselves in an empty dorm - void of all their belongings - and standing next to packed suitcases. The leaves were all on the ground now, the branches bare - a sure sign that winter was in fact coming - and Phil would’ve appreciated the view if he wasn’t so nervous about the thought of facing his parents.

“We still have fifteen minutes ‘till we need to leave.” Dan said and Phil nodded, biting on his lip worriedly.

“Yeah, I guess.” Phil replied, sitting on the bed closely followed by Dan.

“C’mere.” He whispered and Phil leant into his arms, letting his face bury into the crook of his neck, breath ghosting against the bare skin and Dan shivered.

“I don’t wanna go. I mean, I want to tell them, Dan. I don’t wanna hide my whole life. And I’m eighteen now so it’s not like I have to stay with them and they’re gonna find out one way or another but I just don’t know-”

“Hey, shh. No, it’s okay, alright?” Dan reassured and Phil nodded, lifting his head to meet Dan’s eyes, eyebrows tugged down into a frown in a way that made Dan’s heart flutter with fondness. It wasn’t often that he got to see Phil like this, so vulnerable and open, like he needed to be taken care of - usually it was the other way around.

“Yeah, I just- I’m scared. If I tell them and they react badly I don’t know what’s going to happen. I just wanna get it over and done with.” Phil said, knee bouncing anxiously and Dan pressed a kiss to his cheek softly.

“Hey, if it goes wrong just text me, okay?” Dan reasoned and Phil nodded, clutching his phone in his jeans pocket for reassertion.

“Yeah, okay. Okay, yeah.” Phil mumbled and Dan laughed lightly, pushing him down on the bed before following, laying his head on his chest, nuzzling his nose into the material of his shirt.

“I don’t wanna leave you for a month.” Dan complained, one of his hands reaching up to lightly wrap around the back of Phil’s neck, fingers toying with his hair.

“We can meet up as often as you want. I mean, I can just hop on a train and see you.” Phil reasoned and Dan giggled slightly, nodding as best he could with his face pressed against Phil’s chest, the elder’s heartbeat resonating in his ears.

“Right, as much as I love cuddling with you, my car is gonna be here in like five minutes. Don’t wanna keep the driver waiting.” Phil said, sitting up and dislodging Dan from his previous place. Sighing, Dan wrapped his arms around his neck and buried his face into his shoulder, smiling softly as he felt Phil’s hands gliding up and down his back softly.

“Kiss?” Dan asked and Phil rolled his eyes fondly, leaning in and connecting their lips softly, sighing gently into the kiss as Dan turned pliant in his arms, body slack and relaxed, letting little moans slip past his lips and onto Phil’s. Using all his willpower, Phil pulled back gently, knowing that if they didn’t stop soon they’d have a problem and he knew Dan wasn’t ready to take the next step yet.

“Bye, Dan. I’ll see you soon, yeah?” Phil asked and Dan nodded, kissing him once more lightly - nothing more than a peck - before letting him stand up and leave to go home.

***

Phil spent the car ride back to his house trying to figure out what exactly he was going to say - something he knew to be a futile task. Rationally he knew that no matter what he did or said his parents wouldn’t accept him, he just hoped they tolerated it. Sighing, he leant his head against the window and let his eyes droop shut, knowing he might as well try and sleep.

***

The car journey went all too quickly and soon enough the black cab was pulling up outside Phil’s house, the bottom windows illuminated with a soft orange glow - shadows moving around.Taking a deep breath, Phil opened the cab door, knowing his parents had already paid the driver and got his things out the car, muttering a thanks to the man before walking up to his door. After knocking, he rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet gently, all but holding his breath as he waited for his parents to open up the door.

“Phil.” His dad stated, voice void of all emotion and Phil nodded in reply, smiling slightly when his mum offered him a small smile and a slight pat on the shoulder - he’d always been closer to his mum.

“Hi.” Phil said awkwardly, shuffling slightly, setting his suitcase down and looking around the walls - framed pictures covering the white wallpaper, none of them of him.

“Go on then, up to your room.” His dad commanded and Phil cleared his throat.

“Um, actually I was hoping I could talk to you?” He said - the statement coming across as more of a question, confidence shaking.

“Can it wait until tomorrow?” His father asked and Phil shook his head, staring at his feet, hating the idea of having unpacked and only having to leave again although he hoped it wouldn’t come to that.

“Not really, no.” He replied and his father sighed, shaking his head before sitting down heavily on the sofa, his mother lingering in the doorway.

“What is it, Phil?” She asked and Phil took a deep breath, praying to all the gods up there that this would be okay.

“I- um - I met someone at Uni.” He breathed, wringing his hands and his father chuckled.

“That’s what’s so important? You found a girlfriend? It’s about time, Phil.” His father laughed and Phil stiffened.

“I- She- she’s not exactly a she. T-the person I’m seeing is a g-guy.” He stuttered, hands balling into fists from fear and he watched his father’s face harden before his eyes, something like anger flashing in his eyes.

“Stop fucking around, Philip. I did not raise a faggot, your mother did not give birth to a faggot. I don’t want to hear of this person ever again, do you understand?” His father snapped, standing up and walking over to where Phil was.

“No, no I don’t ‘understand’, father. Tell me why I shouldn’t date him, kiss him, love him. Tell me what’s so wrong about loving someone.” Phil yelled, confidence running through him because he wouldn’t let his parents do this to him again, not to Dan, not like they did Zack.

“That’s enough, Philip!” His father shouted, silencing Phil momentarily before he opened his mouth to speak again, cut off by his mother.

“Philip, please.” She pleaded and Phil’s eyes momentarily flickered to hers before looking back up at his father.

“No, mother, I won’t stop speaking. I’m not going to let you cut him out my life like you did Zack.” Phil snapped, gasping when his father’s hand came into contact with his face, the sound resonating through the room, a painful stinging spreading through his cheek.

“I thought I told you to never say his name again!” His father yelled, slapping him hard on the other cheek. Phil clenched his jaw, trying his best to ignore the pain on his cheeks. Balling his fists, he stood tall, looking his father straight in the eye. He wasn’t a small kid anymore, he wasn’t going to let his parents bully him like this anymore.

“I’m eighteen, father,” Phil shouted, spitting the word as if it sounded bad on his tongue, “you can’t control me anymore, hell, I can officially move out whenever the hell I want. What’s to say I can’t go live with Zack now, or, you know, my boyfriend.” He finished, emphasising the last word, watching as annoyance and something akin to hatred spread its way onto his father’s features. Phil expected the slap, he knew his words would have consequences, but what he didn’t expect was the punch to his left eye, his father’s fist coming into contact with his nose before hitting against his eye.

“That’s enough, Jack!” Phil’s mother yelled and somewhere in the back of his mind - beyond the pain - Phil thanked her before another sickening crunch was heard, a shooting pain soaring through his nose.

“No, it’s not enough, Catherine. It’s not enough until this fag learns his fucking lesson!” His father roared and Phil gasped, eyes watering as his fist made contact with his jaw, a dull, throbbing pain spreading across his jaw bone. His father’s fist was raised again but before it could hit, his mother grabbed it and yelled at him to run.

“Just go, Philip!” She all but screamed and Phil didn’t have to be told twice. Flinging open the door, he ran down the steps leading out onto the pavement before running down the street, his entire face throbbing painfully with each step he took.

***

The idea of calling Dan didn’t come to him until half an hour later when he accidentally shifted his weight onto his mobile which was in his back pocket. Grimacing from the wet ground, he pulled out his phone and scrolled through to Dan’s contact, the pain in his face only worsening as time went on. As the phone started to ring, Phil tried to compose himself as best he could, his eyes burning with unshed tears.

“Hi, Phil.” Dan breathed happily and Phil couldn’t hold back the tears that were threatening to fall anymore. A sob ripped its way from his throat and he heard Dan’s breathing falter. “Ph-Phil?” He asked and Phil shook his head before remembering that Dan couldn’t see him.

“It hurts, Dan, it really fucking hurts.” He whimpered and he wanted to kick himself at how pathetic he sounded. Dan gasped and stuttered for a moment.

“What hurts, Phil? What happened?” Dan asked calmly and Phil could hear two voices in the background, asking Dan if he was okay. “Yeah, mum, m’fine. I’ll be right back.” Dan excused himself from the room and Phil heard him climbing a flight of stairs presumably to his room.

“It’s so fucking cold, Dan. Fuck I have nowhere to go.” Phil sobbed, pulling his hoodie tighter around him, shivering in the cold night air.

“Phil, calm down, okay? What’s happened? From the start, yeah?” Dan asked, reassuring Phil as best he could.

“I- I told my p-parents and- fuck - they hate me, Dan. They fucking hate me. My- my dad lost it, started hitting me and fuck it hurts, Dan.” Phil whispered, voice cracking as a wave of fresh tears cascaded down his cheeks.

“Fuck,” Dan breathed and some part of Phil’s mind was shocked that Dan had sworn, “where are you now? Are you okay, baby?” Dan asked and the term of endearment made Phil cry more.

“I-I’m on the street somewhere, I can’t go home. I just wanna die, Dan.” Phil cried and he heard Dan exhale shakily.

“No, no don’t say that, Phil. I need you, you know that. Just- come to me, yeah? Do you have money for a train?” Dan asked and Phil checked his pocket, sighing in relief when he felt his wallet.

“Y-yeah.” Phil stuttered, standing shakily, tears still streaming down his face and he wondered what someone walking past would think.

“Right, can you walk to the nearest train station? I’ll text you my details, alright? It’s only an hour train journey, max.” Dan reassured and Phil nodded before telling Dan aloud.

“Thank you.” Phil whimpered and Dan’s heart clenched painfully at how broken he sounded.

“It’s nothing, Philly. I love you, yeah? I love you so much,” Dan breathed and Phil’s heart stuttered because fuck, did Dan really just say that? “and yeah, I know this is a kinda crap way of saying it - over the phone and all - but I need you to know, okay? I really, really love you, Phil.” Phil sucked in a breath, a smile spreading across his features despite the situation.

“I- I lov- yeah- you too.” He said, tailing off awkwardly, not being able to form the words. He closed his eyes tightly and held the phone closer to his ear as if that mere act would allow him to bring Dan closer.

***

The walk to the train station was a tiring one to say the least, only made worse by the rain that had started to fall. When he finally arrived he had to wait another half hour for the next train - the last one of the night - and had just enough money to buy one ticket. Dan was right, the actual journey in itself was only forty five minutes but it was how he was going to find Dan’s house when he arrived was what worried him. Before he could wander deeper into his own head, an announcement was sounded on the overhead speakers and the train was pulling in.

***

“Fuck, pick up, Dan, pick up.” Phil hissed, squinting down at his phone, wiping away the droplets of water gathering futilely. His hair was flat against his head, water dripping from various strands, his clothes clinging to his body tightly, a thin layer of moisture seeping through to his skin.

“Hi, sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, please leave a message and I’ll call back when I can.” Came the response when Phil tried Dan’s mobile for the fifth time. Forgetting about his injuries, he clenched his jaw, hissing when the throbbing pain returned. Sliding down the wall behind him he let the rain pool around him, a few tears escaping from his eyes. Was Dan just playing a trick on him? Did he just send him to some random place because he thought it was funny? Was it all a joke when he told him he loved him too? Phil inhaled sharply, swallowing past the lump in his throat as he checked his phone for what felt like the fiftieth time only to discover that he still had no text from Dan, no address, no nothing.

“Fuck.” Phil whispered, shivering at the cold of the rain before letting out a quiet sob, body shaking, and suddenly he was thankful for the rain because at least no one could tell that he was crying.

“Phil!” A voice yelled and he jumped, looking up through his eyelashes at a figure jogging towards him. He knew he should have been relieved, happy, but the only thing he felt was anger and frustration. “Oh my God, Phil!” Dan panted when he caught up to him and Phil glared at him, the rain still coming down heavily around them, tears falling from Phil’s eyes and he was so fucking happy that Dan couldn’t tell the difference.

“What the fuck, Dan?!” Phil snapped, teeth chattering alarmingly, the pain in his jaw only increasing.

“I’m sorry I got caught up and-” Dan tried to explain, Phil cutting him off before he could.

“Save it, Dan. I don’t wanna hear some fucking excuse.” He said sharply, standing up and flicking his soaking wet fringe out of his eyes, hands shaking from the cold. Dan’s mouth hung open slightly, hurt welling in his eyes and Phil wanted to scream.

“You know what, Phil? I could’ve left you where you were. You could be back with your parents right now. But I didn’t. I didn’t and I had to spend an hour convincing my parents to let you stay with me.” Dan snapped and Phil laughed bitterly, self hate and anger pooling in his gut.

“I’ll tell you what, Dan, you should’ve left me there, should’ve left me with my parents because at least then I wouldn’t be such a fucking inconvenience to anyone else.” He stated calmly, thankful that there were no people around. Dan opened his mouth to reply but Phil walked away before he could say anything else, feet splashing in the puddles as he did so, his heart clenching painfully. He knew he was a burden, he’d always known, he knew that people only tolerated him. This was the reason he hated getting close to anyone, getting attached, this always happened - they always got sick of him and left. So no, this time he was going to be the one to leave, he wasn’t going to watch himself be replaced yet again.

“Phil! Would you just listen to me?!” Dan all but screamed and Phil couldn’t help the sob that escaped his lips, shoulders racking as a result and he knew that Dan had seen from the sound of approaching footsteps.

“I’m just gonna go, Dan. I’d hate to inconvenience you anymore.” Phil said when he saw Dan out of his peripheral vision, hating himself even more when the words had left his mouth because why the hell did he always push everyone away? Before he could take another step, Dan’s hand was on his shoulder, warmth radiating off of the touch - a stark contrast to the cold air.

“Look at me, Phil. Please.” Dan whispered and Phil turned his head to face him. He heard Dan’s breath catch in his throat as he took in his injuries up close and Phil resisted the urge to bow his head. Careful fingers ran along the various bruises, tracing the outline of his left eye, the bruise on his nose, his split lip. “Oh, Phil.” Dan murmured and Phil resisted the urge to break down right there and then.

“It’s fine.” Phil sniffed, turning his head away, Dan’s hand falling limply to his side again.

“No, it’s not. Come here.” Dan said, carefully wrapping an arm around Phil’s waist, pulling him into his smaller frame, biting his lip worriedly when Phil nuzzled his face against Dan’s neck, fresh tears falling onto the soft skin.

“I’m sorry.” Phil whimpered, hands clutching at Dan’s jumper, fingers tangled in the material. Dan sighed and pulled him closer, feeling just how cold he really was, the continuous downpour not helping much either. “C-Can we go back now?” Phil asked, teeth chattering despite Dan’s warmth and Dan grinned, nodding.

“Yeah, of course. Hang on though, one thing I need to do first.” Dan replied and Phil opened his mouth to ask what before a pair of lips cut him off. Sighing happily, Phil relaxed into the kiss, threading a hand into Dan’s hair, his other moving to rest on his hip as their lips lazily glided over one another’s.

“What was that for?” Phil asked once they had pulled apart and Dan blushed and smiled shyly, bowing his head.

“I’ve always wanted to kiss in the rain.” He admitted weakly and Phil couldn’t help but laugh at how cheesy it sounded.

“Is there anything else you’ve always wanted to do in the rain?” Phil suggested with a smirk and Dan choked when he caught on, coughing hard and Phil laughed harder.

“You’re so easily embarrassed.” Phil stated fondly, annoyed at how easy Dan could make him happy. He laced their hands together tightly. Dan nodded and smiled, squeezing Phil’s hand gently.

“I’m sorry for not being here earlier. I really did get caught up. Please don’t think you’re an inconvenience, Phil. I meant what I said earlier, I really do love you.” Dan said, voice tailing off into a whisper, feeling too awkward to meet Phil’s eyes.

“Hey, no. I’m sorry for being such a dick about it. I just- I’ve had a really bad day, yeah? And I feel the same way, okay? I just can’t say them right now, alright? I’m just shit with emotions and even worse with words and it’s like the moment I say those three little things everyone leaves anyway.” Phil explained, squeezing Dan’s hand tightly and Dan nodded, trying his best to cover up the pang of hurt he felt with a fake smile.

***

“Are you sure they’re okay with this?” Phil asked quietly, bowing his head as they approached Dan’s door, both drenched in rain.

“Yeah, they’ll be fine.” Dan reassured, squeezing his hand slightly before unlocking the door. Phil was met with a wall of warmth, the front door leading basically directly into the lounge. Dan’s parents were sat on the sofa in front of the TV, both of them looking round to see who came in before their eyes landed on Phil.

“Mum, dad, this is Phil.” Dan introduced and Phil didn’t fail to notice the way his parents’ eyes looked him up and down, a fake smile being forced onto their faces.

“Oh! How lovely to meet you.” Dan’s mum said, voice sickly sweet, standing up and reluctantly extending her hand, taking in Phil’s tattoos and rough appearance with a look of somewhat disgust. Great. Dan glared at her and scowled at his dad.

“You can stay in the spare room. How long are you staying?” Dan’s dad asked, a hint of hope in his voice and Phil felt a mixture of sadness and anger bubbling in his stomach.

“Just one night.” He gritted out, ignoring Dan’s confused look.

“Great!” His mum said a little too enthusiastically and Phil swallowed hard.

“It’s the second door on the left.” Dan’s dad informed him, pointing at the stairs and Phil was all but running up them, ignoring Dan’s call of his name.

***

The room was easy to find and Phil found himself falling onto the soft covers tiredly. Sighing, he pulled his t-shirt off over his head before yanking off his skinny jeans and letting them fall to a heap on the floor, wincing as he brushed his hurt face. He could hear muffled voices from downstairs, outbursts of snaps and sometime shouting and Phil knew it was about him. Part of him wanted to sneak down and listen, confirm that they hated him as much as he thought they did. But he didn’t. Instead he crawled under the covers, shivering slightly, wet hair soaking into the pillow and fell into an uneasy slumber.

***

He was woken by Dan shaking his shoulder gently, their bare legs tangled together under the sheets and Phil hummed happily, forgetting where he was as he rolled over and hugged Dan into his frame, nuzzling into his hair, planting a gentle kiss to the strands.

“Phil, Phil come on, come here. I brought you some ice for you face.” Dan murmured, gently extracting himself from Phil’s arm and flicking on the bedside lamp. Phil sniffed and squinted at the sudden light, groaning in protest.

“No, I wanna sleep.” Phil muttered, attempting to roll over when he was stopped by Dan’s arm.

“Phil.” He breathed when the elder rolled back over. Dan sucked in a breath and traced his fingers over the now bright purple bruises, leaning down and planting delicate kisses to the broken skin.

“You’re parents don’t like me, do they?” Phil stated after some time and Dan hesitated before staying quiet and Phil laughed bitterly. “Not many people do.”

“I like you. I love you.” Dan informed him, reaching up and tangling his hand that wasn’t holding the ice to Phil’s face in his hair, gently pressing their lips together.

“You too.” Phil whispered, smiling softly at Dan.

“I talked to them. You’ll be staying till at least next week. They’re out over the weekend anyway, so it’s fine.” Dan reassured and Phil nodded sleepily, nuzzling further into Dan’s hand.

“Sleep now.” Phil mumbled, letting his eyes flicker shut as Dan tucked himself under his arm, burying his face into Phil’s chest happily.

***

Phil didn’t mean to wake up with a hard on, it’s just Dan’s arse was pressed right against his crotch and Phil couldn’t help slightly bucking into him. Dan moaned quietly in his sleep, pressing back subconsciously against Phil and the elder got an idea.

Peeling back the covers, he slid underneath them slowly, carefully rolling Dan onto his back, making sure to not disturb him. The younger sniffed slightly, a frown tugging down his eyebrows and Phil held his breath before watching his face relax again. Carefully finding the hole in Dan’s boxers, he slipped his cock out and started to gently pump, thumbing the slit on the upstroke. Dan moaned, hips bucking up and Phil grinned at how hard he got so quickly. A minute later and Dan was blinking his eyes open sleepily, gasping loudly when Phil ran his thumb through the slit slowly.

“Wha- Oh, God, Phil.” Dan breathed out and Phil smirked, pumping him faster before an idea came to mind.

“Have you ever been blown, Dan?” He asked and Dan moaned, shaking his head before meeting Phil’s eyes. “Do you want me to blow you?” Phil teased and Dan nodded quickly, squeezing his eyes shut as Phil’s hand continued to work over his hard dick. Grinning, Phil lowered his head down, flicking his tongue out to gently lick at the slit and Dan’s mouth dropped open because fuck - how did that feel so good?

“Do that again, please.” Dan begged, panting as Phil licked his slit relentlessly, Dan’s hands fisting the sheets. Phil stopped teasing him and took the whole head into his mouth, sucking lightly and swirling his tongue around it. “Oh fuc- Phil!” Dan moaned loudly and Phil shot him a look, reminding him to keep quiet and that his parents were in the next room. Taking him down deeper, Phil swallowed around him and Dan lost it, the coil in his stomach snapping suddenly.

“I’m gonna-” Dan choked out, spilling down Phil’s throat before he could finish the sentence, mouth hanging open in bliss. Phil hummed around him and swallowed, pulling off with a slight ‘pop’.

“You’re so fucking hot, Dan. Fuck, you’ve got me so hard.” Phil moaned, palming himself through his boxers before Dan grabbed his wrist and stopped him.

“C-can I jerk you off?” Dan asked, blushing bright red and Phil bit his lip, nodding quickly. His breathing quickened as Dan slipped off his boxers and grasped ahold of him, pumping fast and quick.

“Fuck, Dan, I’m not gonna last much longer. Fuck, grab a tissue or something, it’s gonna stain otherwise.” Phil warned, jaw clenched as he tried to hold off his orgasm while Dan looked for a tissue, his other hand still pumping him. “I can’t hold back, Dan!” Phil warned and before he could do anything else, Dan’s mouth was around him and Phil was shooting onto his tongue, moaning loudly.

“Sorry,” Dan apologised, smiling sheepishly and licking his lips, “I couldn’t find a tissue.” Phil let out a weak moan and flopped back against the pillow, pulling Dan into a hug.

“Whatever happened to not wanting to do anything?” Phil teased and Dan grinned.

“That was before you offered to suck me off.”

***

“Good morning, sweetheart,” Dan’s mum said as the two boys came down the stairs, Phil dressed in one of Dan’s tee shirts - a pastel blue one that was wildly contrasted against the black ink of his tattoos, “Phil.” She greeted with a curt nod and Phil smiled politely back, his hand gently resting on the small of Dan’s back.

“Morning mum. Is dad at work already?” Dan asked, leaning further into Phil and the elder didn’t miss the way her eyes flittered to Phil’s hand on Dan’s back with a slight frown of disapproval.

“Yes, dear. He said he’d see you later on tonight. I have to go to work soon too though, love, so I can’t make you anything special for breakfast I’m afraid.” She answered and Dan just smiled, opening his mouth to say something before he was cut off.

“That’s okay, Mrs Howell, I was thinking about taking Dan out for a kind of brunch - my treat of course.” Phil explained and he saw Dan’s smile grow out of his peripheral vision.

“Oh, th-that’s very kind of you, Phil.” She stuttered and Phil smiled, nodding politely.

“Phil, you really don’t have to do that.” Dan breathed, a wide grin on his face nonetheless. Phil shrugged and leaned into Dan, gently connecting their lips for a second or two.

“I want to. It’s the least I can do to thank you.” Phil reassured, entwining their fingers together, partly so he could smirk in amusement as Dan’s mum glared at him.

“Right, well, I best be going. I’ll see you on Monday, bear, okay?” She asked and Dan blushed crimson at the nickname, Phil struggling to hold in his laughter as she kissed his head.

“Yes mum, have a good weekend away.” Dan said, unlinking his hand from Phil’s and all but pushing her out the door, grinning when she was gone.

“So, breakfast, bear?” Phil asked casually, leaning back against the kitchen counter and Dan blushed, biting his lip as he took in Phil’s appearance, hair ruffled from sleep and other activities and Dan had to restrain himself from launching himself at him right there and then.

“Yeah, breakfast, sounds good. Um, I’m gonna go shower.” Dan muttered awkwardly, face turning red as Phil laughed, clearly knowing what was going through his head.

“A cold one, by any chance?” Phil yelled after him and the way Dan sped up made Phil laugh harder.

***

“Jesus Christ, Dan! How long does it take to wank? I need a shower too.” Phil complained, banging his head lightly against the wooden door of the bathroom. He heard Dan let out a startled yelp and he shook his head, rolling his eyes.

“Um, just a minute.” Dan replied quickly and Phil smirked at how easily aroused Dan was - virgins always were, though.

“Look, forget it, I’m just gonna come in with you. I blew you this morning, Dan, it’s not like I haven’t seen it.” Phil announced, opening the door and stripping off before the younger could reply.

“Phil!” Dan snapped when the elder climbed in next to him and he quickly turned around, hoping to conceal his erection from the other boy.

“Oh my God, Dan. C’mere.” Phil sighed, turning Dan around and kissing him fondly before taking his dick in his hand and slowly stroking. “This is the second time within two hours. God, why are virgins always so horny?” Phil said, feigning annoyance as Dan moaned loudly under him.

“Oh, God, I- I don’t know- Shit. Don’t stop, please.” Dan panted, already close from what he’d been doing before Phil. Leaning his head against Phil’s shoulder, he moaned as Phil quickened the pace, thumbing the slit and flicking his wrist in just the right way. Moaning loudly, Dan bucked his hips into Phil’s hand, begging him to speed up, to just get on with it.

“God, I can’t wait to fuck you, Dan,” Phil growled in his ear and Dan moaned, squeezing his eyes shut and biting his lip, “I can’t wait to pound you into the mattress again and again, fucking you until you can’t walk the next day.” That was it for Dan. His head tipped back and with a loud cry of Phil’s name he came for the second time in that morning, coating Phil’s hand and the floor tiles.

“Oh, God, Phil.” Dan gasped, body feeling drained.

“Come on, bear, let’s finish up in the shower and then let me treat you.” Phil murmured and Dan decided he didn’t mind the nickname when it came from Phil’s mouth.

***

They ended up in a quaint little cafe, one of Dan’s favourites, and Phil led him in, asking for a table for two.

“I love this place so much.” Dan blushed from over his coffee mug, hands gently warming on the china and Phil smiled at him, eyes soft and gentle.

“It’s nice, very you.” Phil replied with a laugh, looking around at all the pastel decorations and vintage bookshelves, framed art on the walls and a vase of flowers on each table.

“I wanna see a place that’s you.” Dan murmured and Phil shook his head slowly, amusement playing on his lips in the form of a smirk.

“Well, are there any shops nearby? Maybe I can find a place there. Oh! Speaking of, I need to go shopping seeing as all my things are still with my parents.” Phil said and Dan’s eyes lit up.

“I have the perfect place!” He beamed and Phil grinned, listening to him describe the street he was talking about, suddenly seeming so much more confident. When the waiter came over to take their orders, Phil watched Dan shrink back into himself as he stuttered and pointed at what he wanted, bowing his head in embarrassment.

“Hey.” Phil whispered when the waiter was gone, reaching across the small table to gently lift up his chin, smiling softly at him before lacing their hands together. Dan smiled bashfully, lightly squeezing Phil’s hand.

“Hey.” He replied and Phil grinned, rolling his eyes fondly. The waiter brought their food over to them and Dan muttered a quiet ‘thank you’ almost drowned out by Phil’s louder one. They ate in comfortable silence, breaking it occasionally to talk about something that caught their interest outside.

***

“Phil, no! I’m not letting you pay for all of it!” Dan complained, trying to grab the card out of his hand before he got put it into the machine. Phil rolled his eyes and switched his hands, slotting the card in and typing in his pin, flashing a grin to the waiter.

“It’s my treat, like I said.” Phil reminded and Dan pouted, arms crossed. Sighing, Phil stood up and shrugged on his jacket, waiting for Dan to stand up before wrapping his arm around his waist and slotting his wallet back into his pocket.

“Fine, but next time I’m paying.” Dan muttered, all annoyance slipping from his voice as Phil laughed and pressed a kiss to his forehead.

“Whatever you say.” He replied and Dan pouted slightly as they exited the cafe.

***

“Now, this, Dan Howell, is a ‘me’ place.” Phil said, spreading out his arms and grinning at the younger boy. All around them were rows of black tee shirts with various band logos printed on, studded boots and posters that were more than slightly explicit.

“I’m not sure I fit in here.” Dan murmured, subconsciously tucking himself further under Phil’s arm as a guy in his late twenties grinned at him, giving him a wink as they walked by.

“It’s fine, I’m here.” Phil reassured, tightening his grip on Dan’s waist.

“Oh cool! They have anime posters?!” Dan exclaimed as he pointed to a whole rack of A3 posters, most of them with anime characters printed on.

“I like places like these for a reason, Dan,” Phil laughed, “now, go look at them if you want, I’m gonna go look at the t-shirts.” Phil said and Dan nodded, too busy browsing through the different designs to really hear him.

“Hey.” A voice whispered huskily from next to him and Dan jumped, seeing the same guy that winked at him earlier standing extremely close behind him. Dan quickly scanned the shop, trying to find Phil, fear setting in when he realised this place had two floors.

“Um, I- I need to go.” Dan stuttered, attempting to slip away when the guy grabbed his wrist, a smirk making its way onto his face and Dan wanted to cry.

“What’s the rush, pretty boy? Why don’t we go some place quieter?” The guy said, starting to walk towards the door, Dan’s wrist firmly in his grasp and oh God, Dan couldn’t breathe.

“Hey, Dan, what do you think of-” Phil’s voice called and Dan exhaled in relief, body trembling as his eyes locked with Phil’s.

“Phil.” He breathed, trying to pull away from the guy and towards Phil to no avail, the guy’s hand clutching on tight to his wrist. Phil’s blood boiled, eyes darkening.

“Get the fuck off of him.” He growled at the guy, walking so they were face to face, Phil having a couple inches advantage.

“Why should I? You’re clearly not taking proper care of him. Guy like this needs a proper fucking.” The guy stated and Phil snapped, bringing his fist up and hurling it into the guy’s face. Dan yanked his wrist free and ran to Phil, bottom lip quivering and he mentally kicked himself for being so pathetic.

“Just get the fuck away from my boyfriend before I break your nose. Understood?” Phil hissed and the guy staggered back, clutching his jaw before glaring at him and sauntering away. Phil let out a breath and did a quick scan to make sure there were no staff around.

“I’m sorry.” Dan whispered, burying his face into Phil’s t-shirt, a few tears slipping from his eyes and Phil held him tight, gently rubbing his back.

“No, don’t. It’s not your fault that that guy’s a sick fuck.” Phil growled and Dan pulled away from him, kissing his cheek chastely.

“Come on, let’s go look at some t-shirts.” He suggested and Phil nodded, pulling Dan impossibly close to him the whole time.

***

“Did you look at the posters?” Phil asked when they’re going back down to the ground floor and Dan nodded.

“Yeah, the guy came when I was halfway through.” Dan said and Phil growled under his breath, pulling Dan in closer to him. Dan couldn’t help but smile at Phil’s possessiveness.

“Come on, choose a couple.” Phil said, leading Dan over to the posters, keeping his arm wrapped tight around his waist the whole time.

“Fine, but I’m paying.” Dan stated firmly and Phil just smirked.

“Yeah, course you are.” He replied, a hint of sarcasm laced in his tone.

They walked to the checkout once Dan had chosen two and before Dan could even begin to get out his wallet, Phil had paid and was handing him a bag.

“Phil, no! You’ve already spent so much on me today!” Dan complained and Phil grinned, pressing their lips together.

“Shh, I want to treat you.” Phil whispered against his lips, pecking them once more before leading him out of the shop.

“Hey, do you wanna go look at the pastel shop over there? I wanna check something out real quick.” Phil asked once they were out on the street and Dan frowned.

“Uh, sure. Meet me outside the shop?” Dan replied and Phil nodded, kissing his cheek before walking down the street, waiting till Dan had gone into the shop before looping back round and heading into a florists.

***

“Hey, where’d you go?” Dan asked when Phil walked over to him, hand behind his back.

“Just to get something to say thank you and sorry for being a complete dick yesterday, I’m just really not good with people or emotions.” Phil explained, producing the bunch of flowers from behind his back and Dan gasped.

“Phil, they’re beautiful.” Dan breathed, standing on tiptoes and gently smelling them.

“You’re beautiful.” Phil replied and Dan blushed scarlet.

“And you’re cheesy.” He replied and Phil laughed, handing him the flowers.

“Let’s head back and order pizza later, yeah? Your parents are out so we might as well.” Phil said and Dan nodded, bringing the flowers to his nose again and Phil watched fondly.

“I love you.” Dan murmured, wrapping his free arm around Phil’s neck and kissing him softly.

“You too.” Phil whispered, smiling against his lips.

***

“Oh my God, Phil, you’re impossible.” Dan groaned, standing on his tiptoes to try and reach Phil’s arm, his phone clutched in it.

“Well you’re clearly hiding something.” Phil laughed, teasing him before typing in a guess at Dan’s passcode, grinning when it unlocked. “Really, Dan? Your birthday?” He asked and Dan blushed, furiously jumping up now, cursing the two inches that Phil had on him.

“Oh, what’s this? A diary app?” Phil teased and Dan’s heart skipped a beat.

“No, Phil. Give it back!” Dan begged but Phil didn’t hear him, too busy laughing at him as he tried to reach the phone.

“Look at this, an entry from April. Is that my name I see?” Phil asked, grinning as he started to read and Dan felt his stomach lurch and his heart rate skyrocket.

“Phil, Phil don’t. Please don’t read that.” Dan whispered, voice inaudible and hoarse as Phil’s eyes scanned down the entry, the smile slipping off of his face slowly. Sucking in a breath, Dan turned away and darted up the stairs, running into the bathroom and locking the door. He could hear Phil call after him, his own footsteps not far behind Dan’s.

“Dan, Dan open up.” Phil said, banging his fist against the door. Dan shook his head, forgetting that Phil couldn't see him, and sunk down to the floor. Why did Phil have to pick that entry? Out of all the ones. He’d only written one entry in April and that contained the most amount of self hate he’d ever written.

“Just go away, Phil.” Dan pleaded, eyes misting over as he brought his shaking arms around his knees.

“Dan, please. Please come out.” Phil begged and Dan hesitated, a few tears slipping down his cheeks before he shakily crawled over to the door and unlocked it, curling back up after he’d done so. “Dan.” Phil breathed and Dan winced, bracing himself for the Phil to tell him how pathetic he was.

“I told you not to read it, Phil. I basically begged you not to.” Dan whispered, shaking his head as another couple tears fell from his eyes.

“I’m sorry. Fuck, I’m so sorry.” Phil murmured, walking over to where Dan was and crouching down next to him. Sighing, he pulled him into his arms, kissing his hair again and again, holding him as tight as he could.

“That was the worst entry.” Dan muttered, sniffing and laughing bitterly. Phil winced.

“I’m so sorry, Dan. I- I- I don’t know what to say. I’ve apologised already for how I reacted to you coming out. Fuck. I’m so sorry.” Phil said, voice muffled by Dan’s hair.

“It’s fine. I was being stupid and pathetic. I am stupid and pathetic.” Dan scoffed, wiping his nose and eyes. Phil looked at him in disbelief, shaking his head and taking Dan’s hands in his own.

“No. Don’t you dare say that. You’re amazing, Dan. And- I- I love you, so much.” Phil breathed out, allowing the words to spill out before he could even think about stopping himself. Dan sucked in a breath, heart fluttering at his words.

“I love you, too.” He said, sniffing once more before standing up and leaning into Phil.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn't have read your diary. That was a dick move.” Phil apologised, handing Dan back his phone.

“I forgive you.” Dan murmured, smiling softly when Phil’s arms wrapped around him.

“You can’t leave now, yeah? You’re mine forever.” Phil joked, holding him tight, cheek pressed into his hair.

“Forever.” Dan promised, smiling into Phil’s shoulder.

***

“I’m ready.” Dan stated, diverting his gaze from the TV screen and instead focusing on Phil. Phil frowned, confused.

“Ready for what?” He asked and Dan blushed, looking down at his hands.

“For um- for like- the next step…” He mumbled, tailing off awkwardly, cheeks on fire. Phil continued to frown for a few seconds, mind whirring before it clicked.

“O-Oh. You mean like- like sex?” He asked and Dan nodded. “When? Like now? Or tomorrow?” Phil inquired, gently tilting Dan’s head so their eyes met.

“Wh-whenever.” Dan murmured, heart skipping a beat. Phil smiled and leant down, softly connecting their lips, hands resting on Dan’s hips.

“Well, your parents are out tonight.” Phil said against Dan’s lips, looking down at him seductively. Whimpering, Dan nodded, wrapping his arms around Phil’s neck and connected their lips, getting lost in the sensation of their lips gliding against each other.

“B-bedroom?” Dan asked, pulling away slightly, eyes wide, pupils blown and Phil smirked at how easily he got worked up.

“Yeah.” Phil murmured, standing up, pulling Dan with him before connecting their lips again, the two boys stumbling blindly through the house and to the bedroom. Pushing the door open, Phil pushed Dan to the bed, crawling on top of him afterwards. “Fuck, you’re so hot.” He groaned, kissing Dan roughly once more.

“P-Phil.” Dan stuttered, hips bucking up into the air, just missing Phil’s arse.

“Shh, I’ve got you.” Phil reassured, slowly pulling down Dan’s jeans, palming him through his boxers. Moaning, Dan tilted his head back and bit his lip, blushing at how loud he was being.

“More, please.” He asked timidly, mouth opening in a silent moan when Phil started stroking him properly, discarding his boxers.

“Have you got any lube?” Phil asked and Dan nodded, stuttering out something about a drawer. Releasing Dan’s cock momentarily, Phil crawled across the bed to reach for Dan’s bedside table. After retrieving the lube from the top drawer he crawled back and slicked up a finger. He slowly pushed it in, watching Dan wince at the awkward sensation.

“How is this suppose to feel good?” Dan asked, a frown on his face and Phil bit his lip worriedly.

“It just does. Let me add another one, it’ll feel really good once I get your prostate.” Phil assured, slipping in another digit and slowly starting to pump, scissoring them from time to time. When Dan started to push his hips forward to meet Phil’s hand, the elder added the third finger, curling them at just the right angle.

“Jesus Christ!” Dan yelled, eyes squeezing shut in pleasure and Phil found his prostate. “Oh, God, don’t stop, please don’t stop.” Dan begged, cock leaking steadily.

“I have to if you want me in you.” Phil said, slowly pulling out his fingers, earning a whine of disapproval from Dan.

“God, please.” Dan begged, hair sticking to his forehead.

“Condom?” Phil asked, looking around the room.

“I-I’m clean, I mean obviously, you’re my first.” Dan told him, blushing red.

“I know, I’m clean too but you might prefer me wearing one.” Phil replied and Dan shook his head.

“I wanna feel you,” he asked, cock straining against his abdomen, “please.” He added on, almost as an afterthought. Nodding, Phil positioned his lube covered length at Dan’s hole, one hand holding it steady, his other hand cupping Dan’s cheek.

“You sure you’re ready?” Phil asked, double checking before he went any further. Dan groaned loudly.

“Yes! I’m ready! Please just get in me!” He begged and before he could say anything else, Phil started to push himself in. If Dan thought he felt full before then he didn’t know how describe this sensation. He’d never had anything up there before, not even his own fingers and Phil wasn’t what you’d call small. “Ow, Phil.” Dan whimpered, wincing at the burn.

“I know, I know. I’m sorry, hang on.” Phil soothed, slowly pulling out and adding a whole new layer of lube to his cock, rubbing some on Dan’s rim too. He eased himself back in, stopping every inch to allow Dan to adjust. When he was fully sheathed he had to bite his lip to stop himself from cumming there and then. Dan’s hole was fluttering around him, clenching and unclenching sporadically in a vice like grip.

“M-move.” Dan stated, uncertainty laced in his voice and Phil hesitated before pulling out half an inch before pushing back in, watching Dan closely.

“Okay?” He asked and Dan nodded, biting his lip. Slowly, Phil started a rhythm, pulling out a few inches before easing back in, careful to not go too quickly.

“There! There, fuck, there, Phil!” Dan moaned and Phil smiled, knowing he’d hit Dan’s prostate. He started to slowly increase the speed of his thrusts, his cock dragging against Dan’s sensitive walls, nailing his prostate head on.

“You feel so good, fuck.” Phil growled, using all his self control to not snap forward his hips. “I can’t wait until I can fuck you raw.” Dan moaned loudly, nails scratching down Phil’s back.

“More, please more.” He begged and Phil happily complied, increasing his speed, making his strokes quicker yet deeper. Dan was a moaning mess beneath him, back arching with every thrust, cock leaking steadily. When Phil wrapped a hand around his dick and began to pump, he came with a loud cry, white spurting across Phil’s hand and his chest.

“Oh, fuck.” Phil moaned, head dropping forward. “Out or in?” He asked through gritted teeth, trying to stop his orgasm from crashing through him.

“What?” Dan asked, confused and still coming down from his high.

“Cum. Shall I cum out or in?” Phil repeated, eyes squeezing shut as Dan continued to clench around him.

“In. Fill me up, daddy.” Dan whispered and Phil gasped, hips snapping forward of their own accord, the word ‘daddy’ echoing in his head as he came in white hot spurts, coating Dan’s walls.

“Fuck, Dan. Oh, fuck.” He moaned, panting heavily before slowly pulling out, heart hammering against his chest.

“Can we do that again?” Dan asked and Phil snorted.

“I think I’d die if we didn’t.” He replied, earning a smile from Dan. “Now c’mere.” He said, opening his arms, grinning when Dan cuddled into him, nosing at his collarbones.

“I love you.” He murmured against Phil’s skin, the elder’s arms heavy and protective around him.

“I love you more.” Phil whispered into his hair, smiling softly.

“Mm, sleep now.” Dan hummed and Phil nodded, holding Dan impossibly closer.

***

3 years later

“Phil! Stop leaving your socks in the middle of the floor!” Dan yelled, sighing as he leant down to pick up two pairs of socks that were scattered on the living room floor.

“I’m sorry! I get distracted!” Phil said, defending himself with a smile. Rolling his eyes, Dan threw them at his face, pouting when Phil caught them with ease before throwing on the sofa.

“You’re lucky I love you so much or I’d be moving out and you’d be living alone.” Dan threatened and Phil pouted, frowning.

“Excuse me, we made a promise, you’re stuck with me forever. And besides, I pay for most of this apartment.” Phil pointed out, sighing when Dan bit his lip and looked at the floor. “You know I didn’t mean it like that. I’m more than happy to pay for anything you want.” Phil murmured, walking closer to Dan and tilting his head up with a finger.

“I know, it’s just- I just hate not being to pay with my own money. I mean, I’m working in a florist for God’s sake, it’s hardly good pay and then you’re so high up in a business even though you barely attended classes and I dropped out of uni after a year and I just-” Dan rambled, being cut off by Phil’s lips against his, his hands soothingly rubbing over his back.

“Shh, it’s fine. I love you, yeah? That’s all that matters,” Phil assured and Dan nodded, offering a small smile, “now, why don’t you let me run you a bath so that you can relax while I finish off the last of my work?” He asked and Dan nodded, smiling and running his hand over the dragon tattoo on Phil’s neck.

“Yeah, that sounds nice.” Dan murmured, sighing happily as he leaned into Phil’s embrace.

“Now, go sit down on the sofa and watch some TV while I run the bath. I have a surprise for you, too, which, is actually what I wanted to show you when I came in here but we kinda veered off topic.” Phil laughed and Dan shook his head fondly.

“Stop it with the surprises! I don’t want anymore gifts!” Dan scolded, grinning nonetheless.

“It’s not an object. It’s more like a permanent gift.” Phil corrected him and Dan frowned.

“What?” He asked.

“The sooner you let me run your bath, the sooner you’ll find out what it is.” Phil stated and Dan rolled his eyes.

“Go on then.” Dan said, grinning at him and Phil kissed his cheek once more before walking out the door and into the bathroom.

***

“Dan!” Phil called from the bathroom and Dan stood with a sigh, turning off the TV before making his way towards Phil. He was hit by a wall of warmth as he entered the room, candles littering the room, strategically placed along the edge of the bath.

“Phil.” Dan breathed, walking over to him and pulling him into a hug.

“Now, let me show you the surprise.” Phil said, grinning, heart thumping in anticipation. The room was illuminated enough by the candles for Dan to see clearly with the light off so Phil pulled his shirt over his head, grinning wider when Dan frowned.

“If you want sex you could’ve just said.” Dan teased and Phil rolled his eyes, smiling anyway.

“No, I don’t want sex, although sex may be nice later,” Phil stated and Dan laughed, “but look.” Phil said, pointing at his chest, right above his heart. Dan frowned and looked down, seeing a new tattoo over Phil’s skin, three letters: DJH.

“Phil- what- you-” Dan stuttered, looking up at him in awe, eyes flickering back down to the black ink of his initials, permanently etched into Phil’s skin, right above his heart. Sucking in a breath, he ran his fingers over the letters gently, feeling Phil’s heartbeat as he did so.

“You like it?” Phil asked, one arm wrapped tight around Dan’s waist as he continued to trace the outlines.

“I love it. I love you.” Dan whispered, still shocked by the whole thing.

“I love you more.” Phil whispered back, smiling and pressing their lips together.

“Bathe with me?” Dan asked and Phil smiled.

“Of course.” He replied, pushing the paperwork he had yet to do out of his mind. It had been four years, four amazing years and with Dan in his arms, Phil couldn’t think of a better way to spend four more.

The End.

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