Sparkle - Bucky Barnes (one shot)
Summary: this is my entry for @pellucid-constellations 's #loveletterswritingchallenge i sincerely enjoyed writing this, it was so much of fun to come up with a story that left me all fuzzy and happy.
Pairing: bestfriend!bucky x plus size female!reader (set in an AU)
Characters: Bucky Barnes, Sam Wilson, Sharon Carter, Brock Rumlow, Natasha Romanoff, Winnie Barnes, Rebecca Barnes
Warnings: fluff, angst, recount of bullying comments experienced by the reader, mentions of fatphobic comments, fluff, mentions of anxiety attacks, swearing, mutual pining, no smut, sam and natasha have the braincell in the two friendships. please note if any of this triggers you please do not read. you are responsible for the media you consume.
A.N: this is my first time writing a plus sized reader, being plus sized i've always wanted to explore writing for a reader who looks like me, i hope i've done well, if not i will strive to improve my writing so please be kind, thank you. that being said, i am immensely proud of what i have written.
Word Count: 8432
dividers are by the lovely @firefly-graphics
masterlist // Ao3
seven.
‘dear y/n,
your sparkle pens are really pretty
i will share my new crayons if you share your sparkle pens.
-bucky’
‘dear bucky,
i want the blue crayon, you pick a sparkle colour, i will share it with you
-y/n’
‘dear sparkle,
i want the purple sparkle, because its your favourite, i wanna be your favourite too.
-bucky’
‘dear bucky,
you are my favourite.
and you can have the purple sparkle.
-sparkle’
‘dear sparkle,
i think we are going to be best friends.
-bucky’
‘dear bucky,
i think so too.
-sparkle’
Fifteen.
“what do you mean you are moving away?” You ask, confusion laces through your features.
“It means I have to go to a new city, my dad got a new job, they gave him a fancy house. Sparkle I don’t want to move.” Bucky is looking sullen, his blue eyes hold a sadness that is slowly seeping into his heart with every minute that passes.
It is slowly sinking in what is going to happen, he has go leave everything here, his childhood home, the mini play house at the backyard, this swing set you both have been sitting on since time began, and you.
“Will you come back, Bucky?” You wonder, not being able to fathom or imagine not having Bucky next to you, everything you both did you did together.
From filling the backpack of Brock Rumlow with whipped cream because he was bullying the younger kids on the block to stealing freshly baked cookies from the counter and confusing your mother on her number of cookies count.
Hiding in the small room you both discovered behind his wardrobe, eating snacks and possibly talking to a ghost lurking in the shadows.
Bucky and you were both skeptical about the ghost, so what if the chocolate was moved right when you said the ghost should move it?
Bucky’s eyes refocus onto your hunched over form, as you wrote something on a piece of paper. He’d miss this exchanging of notes between the two of you.
Folding the paper you hand it over, heart cracking as realisation dawns upon you when you watch Winnie Barnes and your mother put the last of the kitchen appliances into their boxes.
Winnie gestures for Bucky to come back inside. Bucky’s fingers tighten around your little note.
He takes one glance at you, trying to remember you so he doesn’t forget he’s so scared to forget.
He won’t but it scares him, so much.
You watch as he returns back inside, leaving you on the swing set. You look down at the indented grass.
Would the earth ever cover up the memories that your tiny pairs of feet created upon her?
Or would these indents serve as your only reminder?
Later that night when everyone else is asleep in the half empty home.
Bucky pulls out the note from his pocket, smoothening the paper against his duvet the white paper glows yellow in the lamp light.
‘dear bucky,
please don’t forget about me,
you’re going to make new friends, you’re going to have an amazing time there, you will have fun and the house will be nice, i could come visit maybe, or you could, we can write letters?
you’re my best friend, i love you.
i miss you already.
-sparkle’
His bright blue eyes settle on the small picture frame on his bedside that houses his favourite picture of the two of you, simultaneously having broken the same tooth and holding up the evidence with gleeful toothless smiles in anticipation for the tooth fairy.
Bucky wiped his cheek when he felt something warm, the salty tears finding him, why does that stupid fancy house have to be far away from all that he wants?
<><><><><>
“Why does he have to go mum? Bucky can stay with us, he can take my room!” You offer for the umpteenth time since your return.
“Baby, we spoke about this, his dad has a job offer and it will be good for them, Bucky will be happy and—,”
“NO! He isn’t happy none of you want to listen.” You scream at her.
Your mom’s gaze softens, she sits down on the couch, tucking your hair back,
“Are you sad that James has to leave?” She wonders, you nod, lip wobbling.
“I know it can be a lot to handle right now, you and James are both very brave and such good kids that you are listening to us, but baby this is something that will help their family. Do you understand? It will be good for them. It will be a lot to go through, but sweetheart they need this change.” You mom holds both your hands between her palms.
“But he will forget me, I, Mum he’s my best friend, my only friend.” You can’t stop the tears now, the fear of losing Bucky and him possibly forgetting who you are coursing rampant through you.
“Oh sweetheart, best-friends never forget each other, no matter the distance no matter if they speak regularly or not.” She gently wipes your tears away, kissing your cheek.
You retreat to your room, laying head down on the bed and letting more tears pour out.
Nineteen.
You stare at the calendar, hanging by your desk, if you could you would burn a hole through today’s date.
Barnes’ moving in day.
Those four words stare at you, mockingly. Four and a half years ago he moved away, ripping your duo apart.
Countless letters, left without reply, not a reply even to the funny birthday card you sent, so you stopped writing after nine months of radio silence.
Maybe he did forget you.
<><><><><><>
Month 1
‘Dear Bucky,
I hope you’ve moved in fully now, i miss you. Watching pixar movies without you does not feel right.
How is the weather there? Mom told me it is much more warmer and does not rain as often.
Have you gone to school yet? I hope you have fun there, write back soon.
-Sparkle.’
Month 4
‘Dear Bucky,
happy sixteenth birthday!
i know we had planned those star shaped candles like that one movie so i found them! I’ll ask mum to tell your mum to take a picture, i found two sets of candles so i’m keeping one for myself and i exchanged the blue and purple.
i miss you.
i hope school is easier, still sucks here, remember i told you Rumlow tried to steal lunch money last month? He tried it again, i threw my chocolate milk on his head.
You would have laughed so much.
Though I regret it because I didn’t have an extra chocolate milk. You would have kept an extra one for me. I miss laughing with you.
i love you bucky.
Hope you write back soon.
-sparkle.’
Month 5
‘Dear Bucky,
I sent in that story I wrote! I’ll tell you if I won or not, Rumlow is being a dickhead. Don’t tell Winnie I taught you the word dickhead or I’ll tell her the f word is what you taught me.
-Sparkle’
‘Dear Bucky,
I won second place!, I’m sending a snippet from the paper! Do you remember? This is about the chocolate moving ghost in your room.
Are there any ghosts in your new room?
Write soon, I miss you and your handwriting.
-Sparkle.’
<><><><><>
Winnie and your mom spoke every two weeks on the phone, you would catch tail ends of the conversations.
As did Bucky, he would stand behind the kitchen entryway, to eavesdrop;
“I know, I’ve tried talking to him about it, I know Y/N’s upset, I’m so sorry. I’ll try speaking to him again. Oh, I won’t. I’ll see if he will, oh and yes did you catch the episode,”
Bucky tuned out his mother’s words retreating to his room he had gone out to grab the mail, little did he know he was holding your last letter from the mailbox.
He sighed as his fingers traced over the envelope, the paper too familiar under his fingertips.
He glanced at the purple candle in his pen holder cup.
It wasn’t that he didn’t want to reply, he just couldn’t bring himself to do so, he met people at his school. Friends now who were in a similar situation as him.
They all said friends forget or they don’t write back, its easier rather than being hurt over losing a friend. A best friend.
Bucky looked at the stack of letters he attempted to write back to you.
‘Dear Sparkle,
I don’t like it here, they closest theatre is an hour away and Pixar without you just sucks.
It has been a week, i got your letter, people at school say long distance friendships don’t last and people forget each other.
We aren’t like that. We are best friends, we won’t forget each other. I am scared that it might happen, but it won’t right?
- Bucky’
Bucky sighs, turning the letter around in his hands, as his gaze falls onto the birthday envelope he made for you.
‘Dear Sparkle,
I’m sending a blue candle, you won’t believe it they just had one purple and blue candle remaining! You know just like the movie? when you make a wish can you wish for me to come back?
i’m going to ask if i can visit.
i miss you so much, sparkle.
-Bucky’
Bucky puts on a brave face, your letter feeling heavy in his hands, he opens the envelope and unfolds your twelfth letter to him, it has been nine months, he hasn’t sent out the letters nor did he come on the phone when his mom would urge him.
Month 9
‘Dear Bucky, Barnes,’
Bucky’s stomach took a tumble, you only called him Barnes when you were mad at him.
‘It has been hard, I don’t know how much mum told your mum. Dad well, just things fuck.
Things haven’t been that great since you left, mum says that things have gotten better for your family, i’m glad to hear that but i still miss you, you haven’t returned any of my letters and it probably is annoying you or maybe you forgot about me, i hope your new friends are great and school goes well for you. I’m not trying to imply that you should feel bad or guilty or that you should feel guilty, its just, it was nice to have a friend? Now I don’t.
It has gotten hard here for several reasons, i don’t want to bore you, if you are even reading the letters.
on my birthday i used the blue candle on a cupcake, i wished you would come back. I don’t think that will come true. Remember the cupcakes we baked with your mum? I used that recipe.
I don’t think I will be writing anymore, I don’t want to bother you or remind you of things that you may have forgotten. or wanted to forget.
still love you bucky, you’re my best friend.
- Sparkle Y/N.’
Bucky couldn’t read the paper anymore, the colours blended together before he blinked his tears away. Your handwriting just a muddled blur of ink. You’re saying goodbye to him, you’re hurting and he just added to it.
“Bucky?” Winnie Barnes enters her child’s room, brows furrowed in worry as his shoulders shake.
“She won’t write anymore.” Is all he says, turning around to hug his mother.
“Oh sweetheart, she is hurt, you haven’t written back, I know you have unsent letters,” She pulls away from him, running a hand through his hair and wiping his tears.
“Why don’t you send one? She is having a hard time at home. It will cheer her up.” Winnie offers, Bucky shakes his head.
“James…”
“Mum they don’t last these friendships all my friends here are just,” Bucky lets out an exasperated sigh.
“James Barnes.” His mom uses her warning tone.
“Y/N has been your best friend since you both were in diapers. You write her a letter and send it over, I know it is hard, I know it hurts you too, but I can’t watch you let this friendship fade away. Understood? It will be her choice if she wants to write back and you have to respect that.”
Bucky nods going to his desk and bringing out a pen and paper. Winnie pats his head, smiling at him as he begins writing what he wants to say to you.
Nineteen.
Bucky looks sullen, they’re moving back, couldn’t get the old house house three down from yours but they got the one right next to your home.
He wanted to be mad at you for not responding to his letter but he never held it against you, maybe he was too late.
“Bucky?” Winnie looks at him through the rearview mirror, she had taken over driving the remaining leg of the journey. They were going to stay at your house and that had him on edge.
“Yeah Ma?” He meets her gaze, knowing she probably caught onto his nerves. He had taken the semester off from university his dad’s untimely demise had left an aching hole between his family. They were healing but Bucky felt lost.
“It will be okay, between you both.” She assures him, then gazes at Rebecca who is fast asleep in the passenger seat.
“I hope so.” He says, fiddling with his jacket.
<><><><><>
You made cupcakes, the very ones you had learned to make from Winnie, you had spoken to her after you decided to stop the letters, she wasn’t angry as you had expected. She knew Bucky had messed up and had told you about his letter. You never read it. Just looking at it made your burst into tears.
So you tucked it away in the box labelled Sparkle and Bucky, where you stored away the trinkets collected till age fifteen and his unopened letter.
You pulled your thoughts away and onto the upcoming months you were visiting a publication expo due to the deferral year you took from university. Independently writing for a magazine, running your own blog of micro poetry and pieces was doing okayish.
However an internship with an independent publication house made you realise working in this industry is where you would thrive.
The car coming to a halt outside had your mother squeal and run out, then two squeals could be heard followed by laughter. You went up to the door, eyes on Winnie and your mother, a clicking sound made you look at the source.
Bucky brought the camera down from covering his face, as he grinned admiring the two best friends, his hair longer and he seemed much more taller and you notice how much more bigger his biceps have gotten.
“Oh, Y/N!” Winnie calls you with glee, “Look at you! All grown up the pictures you mother sent do no justice to how beautiful you are,” She bounds up at steps arms outstretched you smile with a blush warming your cheeks.
“You’re too kind.” You mumble, you know your features are sweet but the weight you’ve gained along the way would at times make you think otherwise.
“Oh nonsense.” She dismisses your attempt to take the compliment, “Beautiful.” She tucks your hair back, placing a kiss to your cheek.
Rebecca follows her mom giving you a kiss on the cheek and a warm sleepy hug.
“Okay you can go crash in my room.” You laugh as she yawns out a thank you, swiftly making her way upstairs.
Bucky is unloading the bags, you put your hands in the back pocket of your jeans contemplating.
The mothers share a look, “Y/N why don’t you go help James?” Your mom says, you shoot her a look, Winnie pulls her inside before you can catch onto their little planning.
Bucky hits his head on the trunk door when he sees you stand next to him.
“Shit,” He rubs his head, looking at you, pausing as he takes in your appearance. You feel small under his towering form, you both don’t say anything for a while just standing there, awkwardly.
What do you even say to your long lost best friend?
“I’m sorry.” Bucky verbal vomits the apology without thinking, you raise an eyebrow, “For um, for putting your mum and you through all this trouble.” He gestures around with his hand.
“Oh, um not really a problem.” You shrug and move to grab a bag from the trunk.
“Um, that is my camera equipment…” Bucky looks the bag with such admiration, you’re almost scared to put it back down.
“I can be careful… If you want to switch no problem…” You offer the bag and he switches. The trip back to the house is silent.
Some how both of you still manage to walk in sync.
Winnie tells you the major chunk of things are coming with the movers tomorrow as you and Bucky settle around the dining table with mugs of coffee.
“Bucky, mum tells me you’re into photography now?” Your mom smiles fondly at the boy in front of her, she did pinch his cheeks moments ago and Bucky knew she would do it again. He grinned.
“I am, yes, I run my own blog, did a few indie band shoots for their Instagram pages, also covered a friend’s wedding.”
Bucky talks animately and you find yourself smiling as he speaks fondly about his passion, blue eyes filled with pride and joy.
“Oh and this is the best thing that happened in a while.” Bucky pulls out his phone, “I have a friend, they have huge writing blog posted one of my photographs and held a competition and god the entries are all so great especially this one.” Bucky loads the comment.
“Wait a second, Y/N what is your blog’s name?” Your mom looks at you, your eyes widen in panic as realisation hits, Bucky reads the blog’s name and you nod.
“Holy shit, Sparkle! You’ve written such great stuff, I practically broke my phone reading and scrolling! I even showed Rebecca and Ma, god you’re talented and you even won that competition, Sparkle, damn—,” Bucky’s excited chatter stops when he realises he used your nickname and revealed the fact he read your letters.
“Excuse me.” Is all you say before running up to your room, voice on the verge of tears, Bucky stays in his seat, head in his palms.
“Just give her sometime.” Your mum assures him giving his hand a gentle squeeze.
“Don’t think she will give me more…” He takes a deep breath, “Should I?” He asks the two insightful women, they shake their heads.
“After dinner, I’ll send you both to pick up groceries then you can speak.” Winnie high fives her best friend.
Bucky looks between the pair questioningly and decides he wont wait, he grabs a notepad from his bag as he makes his way to the guest room.
‘dear sparkle y/n,
i’m sorry, i’m an idiot.
though i stand by it, your pieces are beautiful.
-bucky.’
He slips the note under your door and retreats to his designated room opposite to yours before you decide to slide it out.
Dinner passes by wordlessly on your part, only answering yes and no when spoken to directly. Bucky hopes to coax laughter out of you, so he tries making jokes but when you don’t respond to them he keeps quiet.
“Sweetheart, would you run to the store? We want to start the move earlier so a few groceries should be better bought earlier.” Your mom requests as you finish drying the dishes with Rebecca.
“Okay.” You take a once over of your appearance, deciding to keep wearing the superhero shirt and shorts.
“Do you have a list?” You ask Winnie who nods, Bucky is helping put away the dishes, so you think at least he may not tag along.
Winnie hands it to you, sheepishly smiling at the length of the list, “I know it is a lot but,”
“No, No, don’t worry about it. I-if I can’t find something I’ll let you know.” You look up at her, biting your bottom lip, Bucky looks at you as you shift from one foot to the other. You never did enjoy the task he recalls.
You smile at her, the prospect of the night drive is appealing.
“Oh Bucky has my card so he can tag along with you.” Winnie adds just as you grab your cardigan and purse, so much for enjoying the drive.
Bucky wonders if your shoulders stiffen because you’re uncomfortable. He almost backs out; trusting you with the pin of the card.
“Oh sure.” you say heading out the door to your car.
Bucky looks at the three women, they give him a thumbs up each. He wonders how much luck would he need to repair his friendship with you.
You’re waiting in the car, head on the wheel, “Just groceries, you don’t have to talk.” you mutter trying to soothe yourself.
Bucky opens the door and you straighten up too quickly, hitting your head on the lowered visor which snaps it back up with a thunk, “Ow.”
“You okay?” Bucky looks worried as you rub your head, the light in the car showing him your tinted cheeks, he chuckles.
“Are you laughing at me?” You ask, he pales.
“No-no I just, I hit my head in the afternoon and now you did… It reminded me of,” Bucky’s smile returns,
“The museum?” You laugh at the memory, both of you took a tumble down the steps to the museum getting scrapes on your knees, the injuries placed same but received at different hours.
Your smile doesn’t fade as you pull onto the road driving to the 24 hour store fifteen minutes away a comfortable silence takes over which is only broken by the light songs on the radio.
Bucky finds himself taking in your appearance, you have changed so little yet so much he thinks, the way you hold yourself with more confidence, when you aren’t worrying about how things are between the two of you.
Your laughter still the same that shines through him, the sound making him laugh even more than what the joke would be, god he missed you.
You could feel his eyes on you, you tug the shorts down, skin bunching as the hem tightens when you sit. A little self consciousness flooding through you.
Bucky notices the movement, his eyes trail over your thighs and he wonders briefly how they would feel wrapped around him if he lifted you up in a hug like before.
You are in the milk aisle when you hear the familiar snickers, Bucky was on the other end finding the flavoured yogurts Rebecca requested on text.
“I never knew cows came to inspect the milk.” Sharon Carter laughs, you roll your eyes a fake pleasantry smile on your face.
“Sharon, always a pleasure.” You turn back to grabbing the milk you need putting it into the cart.
Bucky’s eyebrows furrow when a taller man joins the blonde you were speaking to, he feels something off. He quickly grabs the selected boxes of yogurt and walks over.
You try moving forward when Brock Rumlow stops your cart. Great.
“Oh come on a deferral, just say the university has no space to accommodate your size.” Rumlow gives a hearty chuckle as Bucky’s jaw clenches.
“I thought I recognised the scared little bully.” Bucky says placing the items in the cart then standing next to you, “Was is shaving cream in your bag or was it whipped cream?” He reminds Brock who clenches his hand into a fist.
“Barnes?” Rumlow asks, Bucky nods.
“Oh this is rich,” Rumlow looks at you, you pale.
“Was it not his letter you roamed around with?” He asks, then Sharon smirks.
“Oh I remember! Oh Bucky they called me a fat pig, Oh Bucky I miss you.” She makes mocking smooching noises and you wince recalling their harsh words.
Bucky’s hand clenches on the cart’s handle.
“How did your universities accept bullies? Or did you get rejected since your bigheadedness take up more space than they could accommodate?” Bucky asks, pushing the cart harshly into Rumlow who moves giving way to move to the next aisle.
As you pass by them, “Fatty got left all alone and weak, if you hear her it sounds like a pig’s squeak.” Sharon belts out the old rhyme they came up with in school, you pause, Bucky is about to go punch Brock and you stop him, turning around with a bottle of chocolate milk in hand.
The two bullies don’t see it coming when you empty the entire one litre bottle on their heads as they are turned away. Both turn very slowly. Bucky pulls you back, both abandoning the cart and running through the aisles with Brock hot on your heels.
Bucky looks at you unable to help his laughter at what you did, you laugh with him and you both feel like you are twelve running away from Brock once again. Bucky leads you behind the frozen food aisle, pressing you against the wall and him facing you. The dry ice smell cascades around your senses.
Both of you breathing hard, Bucky feels the steady rise of your chest against his own, he looks down at you, you look up at him and his breath catches god your eyes hold that same sparkle that gave you your nickname when you both were seven.
His heartaches at how long it has been since he saw you happy with him there as witness.
When you look up at Bucky you didn’t understand the expression on his face it, it seemed as though longing muddled with happiness?
Your eyes flicker to his lips, parted to catch his breath. You dismiss the thought but not before it makes you blush. You look away to his hand still intertwined with yours, making you smile.
Bucky’s free hand twitches, wanting you to look back into his blue eyes.
“Where are you two?” Brock’s voice is close, Bucky and you slip back backing away quietly.
“Brock let it go, my dress is stained. Ugh.” Sharon complains much to your relief.
You both peek out from the aisle, sighing as the coast is clear.
You look at Bucky during the walk back to the abandoned cart his gaze is upon you, when your eyes meet, his lip twitches and you both break into a fit of giggles. Bucky wipes the tears from his eyes and you try to even out your breathing as the laughter calms down.
You take inventory of the cart frowning that you used the last bottle of chocolate milk for your plan, till an outstretched arm holds a smaller chocolate milk bottle in your vision.
Bucky has a small smile gracing his lips, azure eyes full of hope, “Saved you a bottle.”
Adoration courses through you and so does the love you hold for Bucky which had been tucked away.
You raise your arms and engulf him in a hug, Bucky is taken aback but quickly wraps his arms around you. Sighing as the ache on his heart is slowly fading into nothingness.
“I’m sorry I never wrote back, sparkle.” Bucky whispers, stroking your hair, the scent of vanilla grounding him.
“I’m sorry I didn’t read your letter. I was so mad at you.” You whisper back, tightening the hug.
“Rightfully so.” Bucky pulls away to look at you, you’re crying too, “God, I wish I could have been there, written back, you went through all this shit. I’m so sorry, sparkle.”
“It, its not okay but I think we can try again? Our friendship?” You look at him hopeful, he smiles, nodding and pulling you into a bear hug.
Bucky sniffles, “I did, I did write replies, when we unpack tomorrow, I’ll show you the letters.”
When you check into the hotel three months later, you furrow your eyebrows when the receptionist hands a letter addressed to you.
Smiling as you recognise Bucky’s handwriting you open it in the elevator too excited,
‘Dear Sparkle,
good luck on your first publishing exhibition/expo/experience you’re going to learn so much and beat all the people outta their seats, i kind of buttered up your mom to give me the address of your hotel.
i wanted us to start writing letters again, it has been something we did and shared and only if you’re comfortable then you can write back if it is difficult then we can stick to texts and sending memes.
i miss you, college is going okay, been about two weeks since i left home, god i still can’t believe the chocolate piece moved. do you think the ghost it latched to one of us?
love you sparkle, send me pictures from the trip.
-bucky’
You grin holding the letter to your chest as you walk into the room you share with the other intern at your work place.
Immediately you start writing a reply on the hotel stationary.
<><><><><><><>
Bucky sighs entering his apartment, who told him to major in journalism and history? Though being a photo journalist is something he wants to do dearly just the path of education is seemingly harder today.
He received your texts, smiling as he read how excited you were for everything going on at the publication expo, endless goofy pictures you sent him made his heart swell with adoration. It had been 4 days since he knows you received his letter.
He’s laughing while replying to the picture you sent him of an apple just lying underneath a traffic light, no idea why you both find it funny.
“Whose got Broody Barnes all happy?” Sam Wilson his room-mate says walking into the hall, dropping a stack of envelopes onto the table.
“Sparkle.” Bucky says, looking at a surprised Sam.
“The Sparkle?” Sam enquires, leaning over the couch and trying to peek at the texts.
“Yes.” Bucky locks the phone and Sam pouts, “Oh come on.”
“By the way there is some mail for you.” Sam informs, Bucky eagerly grabs the stack, sifting through and landing on the envelope bearing his name in your writing.
He quickly opens it, excitement flooding through his being.
‘Dear Bucky,
i can’t believe how you pulled off having the letter here before me, i read it in the elevator. I miss you too. i think the ghost moves around our neighbourhood.
i’m glad to hear college is going well, though i think doing a double major may be hard, i believe in you and your capability to get through it.
i think i might go ahead with the double major as well, I took a year’s deferral so, I don’t really know how will it go.
i’m proud of you.
love you too buck i’m sending you a picture as i write.
-sparkle.
ps. waiting for your next letter.’
Bucky can’t wipe the grin off of his face.
twenty three.
‘dear sparkle,
my recruitment week starts next week, i’m so nervous.
i really wish you were here. i know i can call you but it just won’t be the same.
all these questions are swirling in my mind, what if i do not get the placement i want? what if the internships i did were the wrong choice? what if my grades aren’t impressive?
you would know what to say, could you just give my interviews for me?
fuck, sparkle i don’t even know what pictures to put in my portfolio.
what kind of photographer does not know his strongest pictures?
i hope your exam week is going well, also you’re going to win that creative writing competiton that you’re worried about, send your piece to me so i can read it over, if you need an objective opinion? but i’m biased towards you. you will win it.
sorry to dump this on you, i know you’ve had a busy and hard week.
will you be visiting home for break? i might be depending on how the recruitment goes. maybe we could co-ordinate flights?
i miss you.
-bucky.’
You read Bucky’s letter on the night of exam week being over, most of the classes are done for the semester, an idea pops up in your head and you call your mom then Rebecca to get Bucky’s roommate’s number.
When Sam receives you at the train station and you can finally understand why Bucky trusts him immensely, Sam has this comforting aura that radiates warmth and safety, for a minute you wonder if Rutgers makes everyone go hard at the gym and wear more form sitting outfits because like damn, Sam.
“So whats with the nickname Sparkle?” Sam ponders never getting an answer out of his friend.
“No idea, Bucky gave it to me.” You shrug, realising you never really asked the question yourself.
“Oh come on, he won’t tell me either.” Sam whines, as he helps you with your bag into the elevator, you can only offer a sympathetic smile, “I’m as clueless as you buddy.” You pat his back.
“So you’re at Yale?” He asks as the two of you walk down the hallway.
“Yes, Psychology and English major. What do you study?”
“Aerospace Engineering.” Sam says with a grin.
“Wait you’re like smart, smart.” You comment.
Sam’s booming laughter infects you as you join in.
“Please say that in front of Bucky.” He requests and you grin nodding.
Sam opens the door carefully, when he knows for sure Bucky is in his room he lets you in and guides you to Bucky’s door.
“Good Luck.” He whispers backing away to take the video as you requested.
You raise your hand and knock, you can hear shuffling on the other side and a shirtless toned chest is what you are at eye level with, you gulp.
“What is it Sam—Sparkle?” Bucky blinks multiple times rapidly, “You, you’re here? I must be dreaming.” He says, and you hesitantly reach out to poke his arm.
“Hi.” You grin at him, Bucky’s jaw drops and he picks you up, making you wrap your legs around his waist as he twirls you around, you squeal holding onto him tightly.
“Bucky! Don’t you will—,” You try not to put too much weight on him, but he’s twirling you up like nothing.
“Doll, don’t say a word, I can do several push-ups with you sitting on me.” Bucky’s blue eyes find yours and they are shining bright, his cheeks are flushed with how much he is grinning.
“I know Mr. I can bench press triple digits.” Bucky’s helped you immensely to let go of the comments, he always only brought you resources to help you, checked in on your progress with your mental health. Never pushed you to do something you were uncomfortable with, he made sure you would have mental health check ins regularly. He caught on to your traits for being in an overload before you did.
The way the months went after you both cleared the air were a blur, as though the four years of the move never formed a deep ravine of hurt and despair. The entire moving in process was cathartic for the two of you, finally communicating and rebuilding the bridge over the gap that formed.
Bucky lets you down gently, pulling you back in for a hug. His woodsy pine scent mingling with the vanilla of your lotion, makes you feel right at home.
“What are you doing here?” Bucky’s surprise returns.
“Well somebody wanted to surprise somebody and I coordinated it.” Sam hands your phone back while he points from you to Bucky.
“Thanks Sam,” You grin at him.
“Anytime sweetheart.” Sam winks at you and you giggle.
Bucky’s eyebrows furrow, are you two flirting?
“I have an early day catch you both tomorrow.” Sam gives you another wink and departs to his room.
“You’re really here.” Bucky shakes his head in disbelief, hugging you tightly again, your warmth grounding him, the way you just fit into his arms like you belong there.
You bask in the warmth he provides, feeling his steady heartbeat, you could just stay this way.
Both Bucky and you stiffen slightly at the thoughts, pulling away.
“I am, now I believe you were having trouble with your portfolio.” You try to say teasingly, keeping your eyes on his face, bags under his eyes indicate his lack of sleep.
You hesitantly raise your hand to trace over his cheek, Bucky leans into your touch, shoulders relaxing in the relief he finds by your gesture.
<><><><><>
Bucky feels your fingertips lingering on his cheek even as you both are sprawled across his room’s floor, the photographs in transparent folders as you think over how to make up this segregation for the portfolio.
“Have you made a digital folder?” You wonder as your hands inch towards the picture of Winnie and your mom from the day they met again after years.
You could feel the warmth and love in the picture.
“All the pictures are coded so the ones in the physical one can go in a digital one which are watermarked.” Bucky runs his palm across his face, scratching over his scruff.
“Okay how about, I pick up a stack of pictures, show you each and then you say yes or no without a second thought.” The idea sparks inside you and you think it can work.
“We can try that yeah,” Bucky straightens up, ready to do this, he watches you pick up the stack of local events he covered.
You hold up one where the marathon winner crosses the finish line, half leapt up in the air, they just realise and have tears in their eyes mid air.
Bucky nods, “Yes.” He grins at you this would work.
And it did, an hour later you had ten pictures each in various categories that gave a good sense of Bucky and his body of work.
As you zip up the file with a yawn, Bucky’s gaze softens you came in right after your exams without break for him.
“Hey sleepyhead, take the bed I’ll take the couch.” Bucky chuckles as your half asleep gaze meets him.
“What? No, you need sleep, I’ll take the couch.” You protest, Bucky places both his hands on his hips, looking too much like Winnie Barnes before she would scold their duo.
“Sparkle.” He warns, you quickly take a picture on your phone.
“Bucky, you look exactly like your mom before she would scold us.” You break out into giggles at his mortified expression.
“Sparkle.” He whines, trying to grab your phone away from you to delete it.
Currently you’re pinned under him arms extended up to stop him from getting your phone.
“Sparkle I just want to check the time.” He feigns innocence.
“Bucky you have a clock right there.” You point out, huffing.
“In London!” He defends.
“Use your own phone.”
“Yours is nicer.” Bucky huffs, he nods as he decides to tickle you.
You pale as you realise what is he planning.
“No.” You warn trying to scramble away before he begins.
“Oh no, no, no,” Bucky pins down your hands in one of his and his free hand begins tickling your sides as you squeal and try to break away.
Bucky has a million dollar smile as your phone drops out of your grip but he just enjoys having you laugh and squeal, your skin is so soft and warm and god he just wants to kiss you, he pauses the thought taking him by surprise.
Your face is inches away from his, you’re breathing hard but still laughing up at him, arching away from him and you are flush against his now shirt clad chest.
Bucky’s face moves closer, you look at him, then down to his lips, your mind flashes back to the grocery store aisle. His lips are so close his breath fans across your face, you close your eyes.
The doorbell rings and you open your eyes, Bucky looks into yours searching for something, he wonders if he should continue before answering the door. You bite your lip, wondering if he regrets it, the next ring of the doorbell has you both scramble up to grab the late night chinese take out.
<><><><><><><>
‘dear Bucky,
god i feel stupid writing this after six months of that moment in your room.
i can’t outright ask you, it just feels, it feels different between us? not in a bad way, fuck, did we fuck up? why didn’t we just kiss? it feels so right being in your arms and having you in mine. as though, as though we were made for each other?
why can’t i just tell you that i am in love with you, i am in love with my best friend, probably have been for the longest time and i wished we would have kissed in the grocery aisle.
you would think i would know what the right fucking words are? being a writer and all but i don’t have them. at all. i just know four that only make sense—
Bucky, I love you.
I’ve written countless letters to you and yet writing this one seems to be the biggest task even though what i want to say to you is so very simple.
I want to tell you in person, I want to say the words, to you in front of everyone.
I just I worry what if what if i lose you?
I’ve written countless lines about love and yet I don’t know if this is enough, if these scattered words, that i’m scrambling to put together to make some coherence out of are even making sense?
I wishfully think that maybe, maybe you love me too, in the same way, its so selfish of me, hoping praying that my best friend is in love with me as well.
If you do not feel the same wat then just forget about this, I, I don’t know just, don’t stop being my best friend please. it is selfish of me to put this on you and still want you in my life but, i lost you once i can’t i can’t lose you again.
-Sparkle.’
You groan, this letter sounds and looks so stupid. Zero readability. Zero continuity, clarity, ugh.
You turn the page over placing it on the papers in front of you as your room-mate Natasha walks in,
“Are you going to tell him you are in love with him or is that love letter not happening? Of all the important things to write in a letter neither of you do that.” She sits down on the table, shuffling the papers to make space.
“He doesn’t love me, love me.” You object and Nat smacks your arm.
“He took the midnight train to here because you were having an anxiety attack. He stayed on call while he took a two hour train ride and then held you till you finally slept after a four day non sleep fest. He stayed till he knew you were absolutely fine and only then did he leave. I don’t know any best friend that would do that.” She lists the points on her fingers.
“Nat,” You start, she holds up a hand.
“Will you lose him if you tell him?” Her expression unreadable.
“I don’t know.” You answer honestly.
“Will telling him how you feel make you feel better?”
“Nat, I don’t know I want to yell that I love him but, I’m scared I’ll lose him as my best friend, that can’t happen again.”
Natasha pulls you close, as you sniffle.
“You should tell him, I know from the way he looks at you.” She reassures you.
“If this backfires I will stop talking to you.” You warn her, as she smiles.
“Send the letter.” She prompts.
“No, I’m, I’m going to give it to him the next day of his graduation.” You decide, the entire family would be there so if anything went sideways you would not be missed.
Graduation.
Bucky spots you sitting on the bleachers between your mom and his, they made a whole trip out of it deciding to stay for a few days, he waves at you all before settling into his designated chair, his phone chimes.
Sam: man you have to tell her.
Bucky: Sam will you just drop it.
Sam: no i will not, if you don’t tell her i will ask her out.
Bucky glares at the phone turning to locate Sam’s smug grin.
Sam looks down typing as Bucky’s phone chimes again.
Sam: she will still be your best friend, even if she doesn’t love you the same way, which is impossible because that entire weekend she wouldn’t take her eyes off of you.
Sam attaches a picture he sneaked of Bucky being on the phone in the kitchen and you looking fondly at Bucky, he could clearly see the red tinge on your cheeks.
Bucky: fine i’ll tell her today, but if this backfires…
Sam: I will be on the receiving end of James Barnes’ Trademark Glare for eternity.
Bucky: Worse.
Sam: just tell her you love her then you will hug me because she loves you too
Bucky turns his phone silent as the Dean begins the opening statements, the entire event is a blur and Bucky finds your smiling gaze when he takes his degree in his hands. All of you are cheering so hard for him he feels elated and accomplished.
As Sam and he wait for the crowd to disperse so they can introduce each other’s families, you run upto Bucky and hug him.
“Congratulations.” You kiss his cheek, Bucky feels his skin warm at the gesture.
“Thank you, Sparkle.” He keeps his arm around you as the Barnes and Wilson’s approach the cleared area as well.
Winnie Barnes instantly pulls Sam into a warm hug and pinches his cheek, where as Sam’s nephews AJ and Cass run up to Bucky, he bends down to pull them into a hug.
They ring choruses of congratulations all around and Sam and Bucky both can’t let go of their elated mood. During dinner you notice Sam gesturing with his head to Bucky, and Bucky shaking his head and narrowing his eyes. When you catch Sam’s eye he quickly looks away.
“Is everything okay?” You whisper to Bucky.
“Ye-yeah, Sparkle.” Bucky is caught off guard and he wishes Sam would be discreet.
You nod, not really satisfied and worrying if something is amiss.
Bucky takes note of your worried expression and leans in,
“Sparkle, I promise its nothing to worry about, Sam’s just stressing over his internship.” He assures, taking your hand in his and rubbing soothing circles.
“You sure you aren’t covering up something thats bothering you?” You raise an eyebrow at him, he shakes his head.
“No, I would tell you if it was, promise.” He smiles.
“Oh um I have my next letter with me I’ll give it to you tomorrow.” You say no idea why are you putting yourself in this position.
“Why not today?” Bucky furrows his eyebrows.
“Well because if I sent it by post it would reach tomorrow.” You shrug hoping your voice does not waiver.
“Well I want to read it today.” He presses on,
“Bucky, no today is about you.” You defend.
“Yes and that letter is addressed to me. Come on it’ll be my graduation gift.” He juts out his bottom lip making a puppy eyed face.
You sigh, handing it to him, his smile looking at the envelope is worth bringing forth your humiliation a day ahead.
Bucky opens the envelope, eager to know your thoughts, when his smile falters you feel your heart sink down into the pits of the marina trench.
There is a silence that slowly takes over the table, as they notice you looking at Bucky with tears in your eyes and Bucky reading the letter.
Bucky can’t say anything emotions caught in his throat, he really wished he would have kissed you in the grocery store too.
He can’t believe it you love him too.
Bucky, I love you.
The words burn into his memory, etched upon his heart and he looks up at you tears in his eyes as well.
“I’m sorry, I should not have—,” You begin your apology,
“Sparkle, Sparkle, I love you too.” He cuts you off, watching as you take his words in and your sadden expression turns into elation.
“About damn time.” Sam mutters.
As Bucky grins cupping your cheek and finally having your lips on his own.
There is a chorus of awes around the dinner table that just makes both of you grin in the kiss, both of you blushing as you pull away.
Bucky wraps his arm around you as your head rests on his shoulder, he kisses your forehead, with an unspoken promise of forever.
Bucky, age sixteen.
‘Dear Sparkle,
I got the letter where you said you won’t write anymore, it broke me, i cannot get through a day without my mind making me search for you in the crowd.
i know i’ve been an idiot, dickhead if you will. I cannot lose you. I cannot lose my best friend, do you know why i call you sparkle? it is not because of those sparkle pens you had, its because, when you looked at me when i was seven there was this sparkle in your eye and I just had to know you.
Because someone with that much radiance around her had to be the biggest source of happiness right? and you were and still are.
i won’t mind if you throw this letter without reading.actually i will feel horrible, that
i was so stupid to get into what the people at school said that friendships fade so there is no point in trying to keep them.
i hope you can forgive me, should i send the other unsent letters too? maybe i should, but if you want to then only i will, i, i’m so sorry for what is going on at home, mom won’t tell me, do you want me to call? I’ll ask mom to let me talk to you next time she speaks to your mom.
sparkle please forgive me, i know this is my own doing, i’m an idiot but i’m your idiot best friend.
nine months of no responses and i’m asking for you to not be mad at me, i’m asking for a miracle, but that won’t happen will it? hope it does.
i love you
i miss you so much it hurts, i know it hurts you too.
-bucky.’
----x----
