Soundtrack: Jon Brion - Phone Call
It dawned on me slowly over the course of a week. All this energy I spend on going against what comes naturally is energy wasted. All this time I spent beating myself up for not being clean, organized and able to compartmentalize my emotions effectively, is time I could have spent on activities that make me feel better or result in accomplishments that matter to me.
The realization that willing myself into changing the core of who I am as a person doesn’t work, freed me.
The extent of my willpower is such that it can be detrimental to my well-being. In the past, I’ve willed myself into unhealthy weight loss, a degree I’d sworn I’d never sign up for, a driving course even though I’m terrified of driving, toxic relationships. All of these I've since given up.
I used to have “Quitting is not an option” as my Facebook bio for years, such a self-destructive way of thinking... Quitting is not an option if you want to get burned out. Quitting is not an option if you want to please everybody but yourself. Quitting is not an option if you want to live a life that’s not yours. If you want to push aside your aspirations, your vision of who you want to be and what you want to do.
I wish I knew more big words but I guess that this is just not who I am. I value simplicity and imperfection in art and in people. It’s my environmental programming that taught me to go against this and strive to be more. I was held to a higher standard than most people I know, and I’m grateful for that to an extent, though I see how the internalization of said standard is constricting me. For years, my thought process went as follows: “I need to improve non-stop for years, until I become the best version of myself I could be. Then, maybe I'll deserve to have a life.” I wanted to check all the boxes until I realized I’d boxed myself into a non-life of my own making.
“I want to become more practical and put-together.
Granted, but you’ve lost your Self.”
I read that you have to kill parts of yourself to grow. I’d inadvertently killed my creative, spontaneous and at times impulsive Self. I lost my passion for art, both consuming and creating it. I came to think that hobbies are a waste of time. Taking up more practical hobbies resulted in more unhappiness because practicality wasn’t what I’d wanted; it was what I thought I’d wanted. I’d beat myself up for being inconsistent with my hobbies and not getting any better at them, until I realized said hobbies were another self-imposed should. Another box I “had” to check. Another component of the person I “ought to” be.
Making YouTube videos about eating disorders challenged my notion of being recovered to the extent that I felt myself lapsing back into unhealthy patterns for weeks after making videos. I put so much pressure on myself to succeed at whatever hobby I'd take up, that even thinking about trying something makes me anxious.
I’d always ask myself: “What’s the point?” What would be the point of drawing or painting if I have to “cheat” to get the proportions and perspective right; what would be the point of writing when I don’t read books to improve my technique and expand my vocabulary; what would be the point of making more videos if I don’t have anything to contribute? What would be the point of even being when I’m not extraordinary in any way; when I’m just as mediocre as the next person and the person after that? And the person after that, and after that, and...
As time went on, everything started to seem pointless and my interest in doing anything besides work, eat and sleep diminished drastically.
And I’d just… quit.
I existed in a limbo state between inertia and self-flagellation.
Then I had an enlightenment. It's mundane by sane-people-standards but to me, this realization is revolutionary.
Until I feel the need to change, not just understand it on a rational level, I don’t care. It would be great for me to learn to drive; I just have a bad feeling about becoming a driver, like I’d cause an accident or get killed driving. I would have liked a degree but I’m past the point where I can let go of the material security I've accomplished and the relationship I have with my partner to pursue a degree that doesn't grant me anything.
Remember how I said that I’m a procrastinator? I had to turn some knobs in my psyche to start feeling bad about procrastinating, and satisfied and accomplished when I get something done. Do I still procrastinate on a day-to-day basis? Yup. Do I worry if I'll improve any further? Nope. Because I know that if I have it in me to become “better” without forcing it, it’ll happen.
Or it won’t.
I don’t know and that’s okay.
I've given up any and all expectations I previously had, as well as the notion that I could change who I am by force.
I feel more… okay with uncertainty now. I can finally reason with my fears. As I became more accepting of my “flaws” (for a lack of a better word), I’ve been feeling better about where I am now, and even find myself celebrating my unconventional, “improper” traits. I've even been feeling better about the way my Sun - Moon opposition manifests (a turbulent personality). As a bonus to understanding and accepting the nuances of my Self, I've also come to see other people in their completeness and resign myself to the knowledge that I can't change them or change myself for them.
I think I've found a new hobby; I've started to watch film analyses on YouTube. That’s how I found a new movie to be obsessed with. It made me feel for the first time in a while. And that makes me write. And I find that great, impracticality and all…
