#personal as hell

[hipersomniaaa]

if you want to know anything about me you need to unlock stage 7 of being mutual.

[6ixshitttttt]

I had sucha great Friday with my coworkers. We managed to roll like 15+ deep and somehow managed to fit us all in one karaoke room 😱

Nights in Chinatown

Nights out w my workmates

[twostepsfromtemerant]

Gratuitous amounts of feelings

I just saw Love, Simon. This is an incredibly important movie. Buckle up, this is going to get personal. 

I came out to my family almost a year ago. It was hard for me; I didn’t know how they’d react, or if my coming out would be a big deal. Everything ended up being fine, thankfully, but I always felt like being queer was this part of me my parents didn’t understand. It’s easier when I’m with friends. I can make jokes about being queer, and I don’t have to hold anything back. It’s so relieving to not feel like I’m walking on eggshells. 

I read Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda when I was 15 and still unsure of my sexuality. I knew there was a pretty good chance I wasn’t straight, but I wasn’t ready to acknowledge that. Consuming any and al queer media became my refuge. I actively sought out every book with a LGBT+ characters. If I couldn’t be out, at least I could live through others. Reading books like Simon, and Georgia Peaches, and everything else made me feel more comfortable in my own identity.I honestly don’t think I would have been able to come out last year if I hadn’t spent the past 2 years reading books featuring queer characters. 

Having a major movie like Simon is so incredibly important. No, it’s not perfect. It’s over the top, cheesy, and romantic as hell. This is the first time I’ve seen a movie where the main character is someone like me. This is the first time I’ve seen a movie where they aren’t afraid to openly say that the characters are gay. Repeatedly. 

I’ve waited for years to see a movie in which the queer teens finally get a happy ending. I can’t express how much this means to me, or how deeply I’m feeling everything right now. The importance of representation cannot be overstated. I needed this movie. And I know there are countless other people out there who need this movie. 

[bleachgarden]

I relate to alot of people,

in such diverse ways that remove the feeling of uniqueness,

which I enjoy,

but then I realize how different I am

from everyone that I meet and I feel so apart.

I don't feel it's appropriate to be alone or to feel that way.

I value family above all, but I am still unfamiliar with such.

Being family.

I'm not the only one, but I grew up without a mother or father.

One left with a bloody shirt and the other gave up after.

I value being me, but I just want something else to keep.

I don't want to be fleeting, but can I stop it?

Sometimes it's unnecessary to speak.

[lilnasxvevo]

I just had a long talk with my dad. Somewhere between thirty minutes and an hour, which for my dad is quite long. He got home from a business trip and I followed him into the kitchen, and for some reason, he was chatty today, and mostly he talked and I listened (most of our rare interactions go this way).

I learned a lot about him. To both my sister and I, Dad is an enigma. We learn surprising and shocking things from him about himself every few months. You published a book of poetry? You were a teacher? You were an EMT? It’s no wonder that my sister and I have conspiracy theories of a sort about our dad, about things he hasn’t told us that would still make sense as being secrets he has based on what we know about him. 

A medication I’m about to stop taking has been dulling my emotions, so for part of the conversation I studied his face and wondered if I loved him. I couldn’t feel anything that felt like love when I stared at him, and I couldn’t think of many reasons to love him--I usually love people more the more I talk to them, and he’s a heavily reserved person who’s usually on business trips or working 24/7 from his home office (or watching TV in the basement).

Then he looked down at his phone to read part of an email my uncle had just sent him to me, and I could see the top of his head. I could remember when his hair was thick and dark brown, and now it’s thinner and so gray it’s almost white. And I felt this wave of grief, which is an emotion I didn’t even know I could feel right now, because it made me think about the fact that he is going to die someday. And I had to fight back tears in the middle of our conversation before he could look back up from his phone and notice them. 

He has crow’s feet now. His eyes are sunken and hooded and there are pouches under them. He is visibly aging so much more quickly than my mother. 

Earlier this summer, I noticed that my father and I almost never tell each other we love each other. I tell my mom I love her at least once a day. Now I tell my father I love him whenever I say good night to him or whenever we talk on the phone. I can tell he usually feels it would be too awkward to not say it back, but sometimes he still doesn’t. I think it is hard for him to say it to me. I think he says it more often to my mother. I don’t know why. 

[chocolate-mintdromeda]

Being an adult is ridiculous and overrated. And it’s even worse when you’re struggling to handle your newly diagnosed anxiety, intense pressure and disapproval of life choices on family, planning a wedding (that they disapprove of) and government bureaucracies are less than helpful and private companies don’t feel the need to be forthcoming with information.

I’m trying so hard to keep it all together. My mom thinks my anxiety is from brain injuries, and that is contributing to making these decisions she disapproves of (so that laces through all conversations.) Most of my life she’s been more spiritual in her approach to mental problems. Which I ascribe to, to a point. I used to complain about stomach aches in elementary school, b/c I was afraid to go to school. Expected stuff. So in high school when I say I’m having trouble seeing, she thinks I’m lying or exaggerating. She brings it up then, and at other times, like when I worry about my mental state the first time.

But now that I’m marrying someone they disapprove of, she’s all on board with helping me figure out mental stuff. I’ve shelled out for a therapist, I’m working on stuff the therapist has for me. I’m working on the spiritual aspect of things. I’m doing everything I can to make sure I’m “in my right mind” and it is never going to be enough. And it’s getting in the way of my relationship with my fiancee. 

My fiancee, who has been incredibly supportive our whole entire relationship. Who bought me a recipe book for the paleo diet when I realized I couldn’t have dairy regularly. Who has given me money to help me make ends meet. Who has been on the other end of the phone call, listening to me cry my heart out over the stupidest things, and the worst things. 

I thought I was on top of adult things today, and I was so proud, and then it sort of went crashing down. And he helped me through it. While my mom rambles on about homeopathic stuff (which I am not inherently against, but she’s not big on drugs with side effects) and implies my wanting to marry this man is because of brain injuries and anxiety’s effect on my brain. I love that she’s helping, but is it ok to say “too little too late?”

She and I used to have a great relationship, and then I moved out and became my own person and we didn’t mesh, and ... I don’t know.

I’m just tired of fighting family who hardly has time for me when I’m finally choosing my happiness and my life over catering to them. I’m done waiting on them to invite me to things and to find time for me. I’ve found someone who fits so perfectly with me. I just don’t have the courage to move forward outside of the “set plan”.