#personal life experience

[nade2308]

Just something I need to get off my chest...

Do you know that feeling when you finally think things are looking up, but instead they are tumbling town the abyss you came up from just recently? Yeah, well things have been like that for a very long time and I don't think that I gave myself enough time to go through them and get over them so to speak (no matter how hard you wish you forget some things, they just fade away as you slowly force them on the last shelf, but they are there, ready to pounce on you and remind you that you are never going to forget).

Maybe you are asking why am I writing this? I am not doing it to drag attention (I'm not attention seeker, nor I'll ever be, I'm okay in the place I've created for myself with the people I love and that love me and that's all the attention that I'd ever want and get. And it's okay) nor to make anyone feel like they need to do something they usually wouldn't do. Debated to just pour my soul over on other social media, but the fact that there are people from real life that I have there (including family and friends and other peoplw I know) that's not an option (I'm sure they haven't noticed anything is wrong and if they did, they haven't mentioned it. Maybe they are afraid how I'll react, or I just got better at hiding how I feel). This reminded me of that one time one of my closer friends made a remark on my character: there was this situation where another student at the Uni I'm at started jabbing me and I was this close to flipping off, and he said that I made the right choice for solving the thing with words, or else we would've witnessed an explosive "fight" o to speak. I'm not sure that's relevant to what I have to say, but at times I've been wondering how it would've turned out if I got it out of my chest every time something touched me so hard I couldn't think of anything else but that? I think with the years it just became a practice to not show what I truly feel inside, because if I do, I give all the others the ammo to keep stepping on me (which thankfully hasn't happened in years. Not literal stepping, but you'd get my point), and that's not something I wanted. I've always wondered what other people saw in mw that made them envy me, maybe even hate me, but envy me for sure. Sometimes I felt like I had target painted ojln my back that said 'hey, let's have fun with her and insult her'. I've taken jabs about being a nerd, being poor (well their definition of poor anyway), being the teacher's pet (although the very same people that were saying those things were the things they claimed I was). I was ridiculed for never skipping class, for thw clothes I wore, for every word that got out of my mouth, but it was okay. It is okay. They didn't win, because I still am the same person and they never got over their envy and jealousy and whatnot but after a while they lost my attention, the attention I gave to them. That llst time won't get back, but it serves as a lesson (I still make some of the same mistakes, but with less frequency). So, the thing is, I learned how to bury things deep inside, so deep that sometimes when they come back to me, they hurt more than they are actually important.

The worst period of my life so far was when my mom became sick. It was almost 10 years ago (in October). There were multiple things that were wrong, but for years the doctors couldn't find what it was exactly that caused all the problems: and the person that gave me life, that still watches over me when I get sick, even if she is sick herself, I watched her wilt like a flower and waste away like nothing. She was a rock, she was so strong and whenever I think of that period of my life, tears come to my eyes and I can't stop them (only thing I can't chalk up and play it up, because it hurts too much. My mom is definitely better now. Still not at 100%, but not at the level she was then. And I never got to experience puberty or typical things that come with teenage years. I was too busy taking care of my mom and praying to God to not take her away from me.

The downside of that was that at the time I didn't have the friends I have today. Except my family and a few people that I can call acquaintances (not sure if friends applies to them tbh) I didn't have anyone. I was in a dark place, having no one to talk, no one to have as my crying shoulder. Just: no one. But I want to think that my friend's' words are right: I became stronger because of it.

There are lots of things that I can talk over, and mention like the constant battle with finances, my school and the expenses, the stress of studying and exams, lots of things. I got better at dealing with those things, I wanted to be happy, but also I wanted to be healthy and with all the stress and thought I gave to things, I was on a good way on getting myself overworked and overwhelmed and I could've gotten easily doing something I'd regret.

Was I depressed? I dunno, I'm not sure how to label what I went through, what I'm going through atm. Some people have it worse than me. And I know, some may think I am exaggerating, but believe me I'm not. Fought this demon long enough to do that.

So, things were going their way, I was going my way. Writer's block happened, then it went away, I found new TV shows I liked, found different fandoms, met my online friends, my online family that's always here to support me, but mainly I met this person that I can call my best friend (never had one before, but she knows me really well, better than I even know myself, you know who you are, I'm not mentioning any names) and this is actually a post that I realized I wanted to write that came out of one of our conversations.

I remember a comment I read on Instagram once that said that whatever bothers you, you let it bother you for 5 minutes a day and then not think about it for the rest of the day. In the last few days I realized how bad I had it and how I really needed to practice this thing.

Mainly, I think things started when my grandpa died in November last year. I'm not really sure I ever dealt with the loss very well, not sure any of us has done that, but believe me when I say it, to see someone every day and then that someone being gone: nothing helps you with that. You learn to cope, you learn to move on, to smile and be happy again, but there's always going to be a chunk from you that would never be the same and won't ever learn how to deal with it. You just supress it, push it away, want it to hurt less, when in reality all you do is just hurt yourself more, drive the knife through your heart deeper and expect for the wound to heal itself and for you to be normal again. I came to realize: it doesn't. It only hurts less, but never goes away. A constant reminder with each passing day.

A few other things happened before and after this event that contributed to me getting into this depressive mood. I doubt myself for everything, but I had learned how to deal with it. In the last 9 months, that self-doubt just got stronger, and I lost myself somewhere along where even I couldn't find my way back to what I was, who I was so far. If you see me, I haven't changed a lot physically (I mean my expressions, the way I talk or do things etc.) but inside, inside there's a war.

I'm an emotional person. Always was and probably always will be. In the last few months I got emotional just a handful of times, and I know that whenever I have a good cry, the weight lifts off my shoulders and I could breathe more easily afterwards. Dunno why, but for a long time I didn't let myself cry. I'm not sure I even let myself grieve properly for the loss of a loved one. One thing after another, and I find myself in this situation where I can hardly get out of bed some days because I don't wanna face the world. I am never the type of person that wants to hide. Alone time? Sure. But, hiding? Never. Well the last few months I really wanted to hide. To crawl in on myself and not let anyone find me. I have this rule of never breaking contact with my friends, and I never did. I kept silent sometimes for a couple of hours or so, but always came back to them, because I knew if I let myself to do that, then I may as well be on my way to really losing touch to who I am.

And as with everything else in my life, I thought I had that under control. I have had happy moments, but the sad moments outweigh the happy ones, and recently I found myself being even more moody than I was before, easily snapping at people, be more emotional and see and think of things that they never were like that.

I'm sure you've all experienced this at some point, just when you are relaxed, your brain brings every bad thing, every decision you made, every thing you didn't do but you should've done it. Happened a lot to me in the last few months. And to think that I was vulnerable ro those oppressing thoughts that told me things were in a certain way (and they weren't) I came to snap and be a shit to my best friend, my anchor, and came to question myself of many things she said and did and I said and did, and even though I knew they weren't like that, my thoughts made me think they indeed were. It took me a while to get over that part (let's say it was a bend in the road that's fixed now, and I'm working on being permanently gone so I never ever repeat this horrible mistake) and it gets better with every day (because I give myself a reminder and practice the 5 minutes rule every day). There are setbacks of course, and I think there will be more times than not when I'll go through that thought process again, but now I know for sure that I will be able to resist that and not let it get on my way to happiness.

What I realized is that sometimes even when you consciously know that things are not like your brain tells you they are, you sometimes just give in to that and let all caution to the wind. I think that I need some time off myself from time to time. Time where I won't think of anything but what I do at the moment, time where I won't write or read, maybe just let myself have a nap or two, or maybe watch a TV show or a movie and not think at all. I need a break from my mind, and I need to work on it. And I will. Gave that promise to myself couple of weeks ago and I plan on keeping myself to it as much as I can.

While writing this, I've cried for the first time in maybe a month or so and let me tell you, I feel better already, like this stone has been lifted off of my soul, what crushed it before, it's not there anymore. And if you have things going on in your life where it seems like you are running out in circles and there's no solution on the horizon? Believe me there's always a solution to everything. You just have to keep fighting and not keep it in yourself if you have family and friends that love you and support you through everything. If you come to them and tell them, they'd understand. Some of them won't but even if it's just one person, it's enough. Let yourselves heal and never stop yourselves from doing the things you love and make you happy. And when things like these happen, don't let them rule with you or overwhelm you.

Give yourselves time. Like I realized I should have given myself time, and long time ago. And be honest to yourselves about everything, first and foremost.

Also don't forget: it's never too late.

Thank you for reading this, if you have, and once again, this was just a way for me to pour all of this out and in an attempt to ease myself towards healing.

Don't want anyone to worry about me, the point of this talk wasn't to make you worry about me. I'm good. I'll be good. I'm already feeling better and it's just a matter of time before the smiles I hid myself behind will go back to being genuine. Just I will give myself time.

[thatnewcarsmeli]

Yall ever smell the vibe of a room and immediately get mentally teleported back to Thanksgiving morning (4am) (2019) when you had a mental breakdown so bad after staying up all night drunk to play a porn game that left you questioning your entire life up to that point; and leaving your so broken that you felt a chunk of your frontal lobe slot into place while your at work crying into the mashed potatoes your making for 200+ people.

Oh that’s a totally personal experience.

Maa-a-an that sucks…

[rose-chateau]

Being a country bumpkin with large portions of your life where internet is completely unavailable to you is whack, let me tell you.

Because sometimes it’s as easy as that one time in 2015-16 when some quarry blasting near my house got so out of control that we had no internet for nearly a year and then I went to see Doctor Strange in theaters and nearly threw myself over three rows of seats to fight when Mordo said “The wi-fi password, we’re not savages.”

And other times you have internet, but you also have a rich life outside of the internet so that when you do go online you find this kind of back way into popular topics through obscure meme videos and then one time you show your friend this unsettling meme video and she’s like “Yeah, that’s Jenna Marbles’ dog” and you’re like “what? I didn’t know what Jenna Marbles looks like”

[anthonyreadsthecards]

So I was a bit inspired by @delphi-king-devotee and also @tarotprose (thank you) and I wanted to write about my own intuition and some of the experiences I’ve had. Warning there be ramblings ahead. 

So I would definitely say I’m intuitive. I mean we all are but there just times when you just know that something is wrong or that someone is maybe not being too truthful with you or you know what someone is thinking/feeling etc, etc. I don’t know when I really started to really believe in my gut feelings. I mean as a kid I could usually tell if someone was off but I thought maybe I was just perceptive. That this person did something to give themselves away so that’s why I couldn’t trust them. But as I got older there would be people I would talk to that would give me the kindest smile but there was always something fake about it and something behind those thoughtful eyes seemed almost sinister.

For the longest time I’ve struggled with the idea of maybe I’m an empath. That word always seemed to ring deep inside of me and whenever looking at the traits of one I would be like “yes, yes this is me” but I didn’t have a lot of the problems that they had. I didn’t feel bombarded by emotions all day, I never felt overwhelmed from a crowded room because of the energy, maybe how cramped the space was, but never that. And while I could empathize with someone, feel as if I was going through the same emotional journey as them, I didn’t feel their physical pains. I never had a person walk up to me and then feel their pain. Usually it was after a connection was made, a simple conversation that established something between the two of us and then things started getting clear. People have always come up to me and just vented out their frustrations or their problems to me. Even complete strangers, without any invitation from me, have talked to me about their problems and I have always felt this deep urge to help them. Even if it’s just to help vent out the emotion that’s good enough for me. And yeah I usually feel drained afterwards, but I mean wouldn’t anyone. There’s a lot of boxes I check off but there are some that I can totally rationalize with saying “well that’s because of my depression” or “anyone would feel like that if they experienced this”.

I can only count on one hand truly empathic experiences. The easiest example was my grandmother when she was in hospice care. She had been there for years and I hated going to visit her because the nursing home was so depressing. The air smelled awful and the overall vibe was just sad. There was one time I hadn’t seen her in maybe two months because I was in college and I couldn’t visit that often, slightly true but not the point. Anyway, her eyes fell on me and I smiled and I held her hand. I felt this slow, awful pain crawling up my veins. It felt toxic and like glass shard cutting as the pain crept higher up my arm. I swear I saw this black-ish red veins along her arm and mine for a brief moment. And when our eyes connected I felt, heard, that she didn’t want to feel this way anymore. She wanted peace. And she knew I knew and I started to tear up and I gave her hand a squeeze and said “I know.

There have a couple of other times but that was one of the biggest ones and the most memorable. Also I see stuff about maybe seeing spirits and the closest thing that I ever experienced was about a year or two after my grandmother’s death. I had gone to a local coven’s celebration of Samhain and there was a moment where were told to commune with our past loved ones via mediation. I’ve always been good about visualizations so I thought it was all in my head. I was sitting by a campfire on a log. Across from me was an empty log but then my grandmother was there and she looked like she had when I was a kid. Plump, a wispy poof of white hair, her favorite pair of glasses, a necklace that may have been the same one my mother wears, and a pretty shade of red lipstick. She wore this beautiful white gown, it look almost like it should have belonged at a Renaissance fair. I remember the sleeves were long and they almost covered her hands around the middle finger. But she sat there and smiled and I felt that she was fine and that everything in my life was going to be ok. And about another year or so I told my mom of the event and she got wide eyed. My grandmother was Mormon so she was to be buried in a special gown, but she had lost so much weight before her death the gown wouldn’t have fit her. So my mother and her sister were able to get my grandmother a different gown, one that actually could fit her body. Only my mom and my aunt knew about this. No one else did and we didn’t have an open casket funeral. To be able to describe the dress to my mother was a little freaky but at the same time reassuring that it wasn’t all in my head.

My mother mentioned once that she had experienced a vision of sorts when she was pregnant with my older sister. On the day of my sister’s birth my mom had a dream of a little girl and two boys playing on a swing set, the girl pushing the two boys. And lo and behold, her three biological children were one girl and two boys. She never had another one of these moments again but it makes me wonder. I’ve never had a vision before. A dream or two has come true but they’ve never been fully detailed. Maybe a sentence or seeing something triggers my deja vu but it’s just that moment that I remember. Nothing major or big.

Meditation and divination have been really helpful with my intuition. I get vibes more frequently and there are days when I just “know” and everything clicks and it all synchs up. There are days when the cards give me so much information, even with just one card and I feel so confident in my abilities as a diviner. This comes and goes but what doesn’t?  I don’t know if I’m an empath, maybe sensitive is the better word, or maybe just intuitive. I don’t really know how to label it but “psychic” never felt right. Either way I know it’s something that I want to continue to grow, much like my writing, and my skills with divination. Which soon readings will be open again and I got some new things in store. 

J.S.

[abs0luteterr0r]

I remember the only good April Fool's prank I ever did involved my brother and a nine inch nails concert. My brother, my dad, and friend Nestor where on their way to Vegas to see NIN so I called my dad about half way there and told him to put me on speaker. I proceeded to tell everyone that Trent Reznor had a heart attack and that the concert was canceled. My brother started yelling and then I said "April fools" and hung up.

[flutterscary]

they called an hour early to see if I could come in a little early but I was in the shower so I missed the call. I called them back to see whats up and my manager, in all seriousness says "You are in BIG trouble!"

and I was like "Oh god what happened, what did I do?!"

and she is like "Oh, you will not believe what happened, just get here as soon as you can!" 

so I am rushing to work, and I get there 30 mins early and run up to my manager panicking and ask her whats up, and she is like "oh we just needed you hear a little early... Did you think you were actually in trouble?"

YES I FREAKING THOUGH I WAS IN TROUBLE I THOUGHT I WAS FREAKING FIRED YOU CRAZY WOMAN GOD

[queeninsomniac]

Let me give you an idea of why I don't go to my father's house

From the age of one month, when my mother took me and left my father and he didn't call when he discovered us gone, to age three when he married my stepmother, my dad saw me once, maybe twice, a year. I didn't recognize him when he came to pick me up for visits on Christmas, etc. Then my mother agreed to let him see me every other weekend and six weeks in the summer, as long as he started paying child support, which she had never asked of him.

My memories from that time are largely negative where my stepmother was concerned, more positive with my dad, most likely because he put on his best face when I was around and I viewed him as my protector from the evil stepmom.

They had a menagerie of animals (if you think I'm kidding, ask me and I'll tell you three exotic animals that you won't believe - at least). For the most part they were well cared for. Until probably eight or so years ago, when the house started to go to shit. Up until that point, every weekend I was there, I was forced to clean the house that I spent four days out of the month in. They would let the animals into my room, where the animals would shit on my linens, sleep in my bed and cover it with hair, and my sister constantly raided my closet. It got to the point that I was taking clean sheets with me every weekend I was there, because I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep in my bed. When I turned 16 and got my first car, I pretty much stopped going to that house with any regularity. I don't think my dad was terribly surprised, since he never asked why or complained that I wasn't around.

Then he and my stepmother divorced a few years back and the house has gotten worse. I step foot inside maybe three times a year now. And I had to go there Thursday to pick up a piece of artwork that I had left behind. It had been so long that I completely forgot that I had a key and the garage code. I finally remembered they key and got inside, went upstairs, and almost gagged.

The stairs were completely stained, some of the steps totally different colors from others, obvious pee drizzles everywhere. I got to the top and I could smell fresh piss, and there was a piece of shit in front of the door to my DAD'S OFFICE. In front of my former bedroom door was a pile of clothes (my sister's). I stepped on them, naturally, to get inside - which was also covered in clothes. I located my piece and got the hell out of dodge.

It was a horrible experience and, while worse than my childhood in general, is indicative of the way that house was. They would make fun of me and call me a germophobe, when in reality, I just wanted to not sleep in animal feces. I just...I had been able to forget that mostly and distance myself from it, making myself water down the reality of what it was like. After describing it several times, it didn't seem as bad. But now I remember how bad it was and, as self-centered as it sounds, I feel sad for the child I was. I was forced to grow up way too fast.

[idgafanyways]

The truth is life is tough and you have to be strong enough and have the self control enough to tell yourself no. Even if that means no from a moral,emotional or physical stand point. And if you fail to do that then you have to tough it out and deal with the consequences.