I guess this isn't really a "manifesto," since I don't plan on doing anything. It's just a collection of what I think are the best ways to go through life. I just thought it might be fun and useful to have a list somewhere of my personal philsophies and mottos. So, without further ado:
Honesty Is The Best Policy
When I say "honesty is the best policy," I'm not talking about being a dick for no reason and just telling it like it is because you're just oh so honest. I'm talking specifically about conflict. If I have a problem with someone, they'll know. Sometimes it takes me a while to figure out that I have a problem with someone, and sometimes it takes me a while to figure out how to word what that problem is. But once I know what I'm feeling, you will too. I just find that dragging things out is so unnecessary, and it often makes the situation worse. Addressing conflict immediately means avoiding even more conflict. And don't be fooled, "conflict" is not a dirty word! Conflict can 100% be a peaceful exchange with a quick resolution. In my personal opinion, being honest (and gentle) from the get-go is the best way to mitigate most conficts.
I always do my best to refrain from judgment, especially when it comes to someone’s past. Who a person is now is more of a reflection of who they are than their past. I also try to reserve judgment on someone’s situation or circumstances. The fact is, I probably don’t know the full story, or all of the facts, so it’s not my place to judge it. If I do know the full story/all the facts, that’s different.
When A Person Shows You Who They Are, Believe Them
Pretty straight forward. Throughout my life, I have given too many chances to undeserving people. No more. You get one chance. You fuck it up, gonzo. Maybe if enough time goes by, I’ll be willing to rethink my position, but that is a rare gift. I’m done convincing myself that someone can change unless they really fucking prove it. I’m done convincing myself that people are deserving of a relationship sequel. My trust is hard won, easily lost, and almost impossible to regain.
(I didn’t say these would all be healthy!) It’s really difficult for people to actually hurt me. If I decide you are a person of zero or little consequence, your words have no meaning to me. The most you can do is make me extraordinarily angry, which certainly does you no favors, but even that is usually due to attacking my loved ones, not me. I won’t lie, I can be triggered, as I have trauma and mental illnesses, but even then, I tend to recover pretty quickly, depending on what your relationship is to me. All this being said, when someone intentionally attempts to hurt me, I always come back swinging with at least double the force. At my core, I’m a kind person and I would never go out of my way to do harm. But I’m all too prepared when someone attacks first. I have a lot of rage bottled up inside me, and it’s not a pretty sight when it’s released all at once.
For most of my life, I’ve had a bad habit of putting others, particularly people I love hard, above myself. This has often benefited abusers, who have taken advantage. Recently, I have made the decision to take care of myself first. That means removing myself from emotionally harmful situations, putting up less flexible boundaries, and attending to my own needs before others’ needs, among other things. This also includes my well-intentioned loved ones, who, of course, have been respectful and supportive of this change, just as I am of their needs and boundaries. Everyone is the main character of their own story, and as such, everyone owes it to themselves to put their happiness first.
Specificity Breeds Clarity
I have to be honest, this one isn’t original, I learned it from an acting teacher of mine! However, I find I can apply to myself and to life, in addition to my work. You should always make an effort to understand yourself better. (Especially if you suffer from mental illness[es]!) What are your habits? What are your behaviors, good, neutral, and bad? Why do you do them? What are your feelings, good, neutral, and bad? Why are you feeling them? Who are you? What do you want? What do you like? What do you hate? What are your needs? Why do you need them? And so on and so on and so on. The more you understand about yourself, the easier it is to work on the things you don’t like and develop the things you do! Same goes for life itself and the world around you. Ask as many questions as you can, and answer as many of them as you can. It’s not always easy, but it’s always beneficial!
I suppose this is an expansion on the previous one. If you’re not honest about your toxic behaviors/coping mechanisms, your problems, your fears, your weaknesses, etc, you can’t change them. It’s like they say: admitting you have a problem is the first step. It can be really, REALLY challenging (and scary!), but it’s always worth it in the end.
Embrace Your Individuality
I’ll admit, I struggle with this one. I’ve never fit in, not once in my life. There’s always been a part of me that has longed to be like everyone else, to fit in more easily, to be accepted by the gang, whoever the gang may be at any given point. But the fact is, being like everyone else is boring. March to the beat of your own drum! Don’t just accept what makes you different, love it! Be open about it! Let your freak flag fly! Who knows? Maybe you’ll find other weirdos to bond with.
Black and white thinking is something I struggled with a lot before I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality. I know a lot of other people, even neurotypical people, struggle with it too. Most things in life are not black or white, good or bad, right or wrong, etc. (Most things, some definitely are, but they are few and far between.) Two things can absolutely be seemingly opposing and still both be true! Take the time and consider all sides to every situation, even if that means putting yourself in someone else’s shoes, or going against your own nature. This takes effort, and self-awareness, and it’s definitely a skill to be developed. But once you get the hang of it, it makes life a lot easier, and a lot more interesting.
Surprise surprise, you’re not always in the right. In fact, sometimes, you’re in the wrong. Sometimes (usually), you’re both right and wrong, or no one is right or wrong. Either way, it’s important to reflect on your actions, open your heart, empathize with others, and ask yourself the difficult questions such as, “How would I feel if someone did this to me?” This is especially true of immediate and recent conflicts, but it’s also true of the distant past. While I am a big proponent of “you are who you are now, not then,” the fact is, your past is still a part of you, and even if you left it behind, other people who may have been affected by your actions might not have. It never hurts to revisit the past. Has your opinion changed? Did you make a mistake? How could you have handled that situation differently, or better? Sometimes it’s painful, especially if it’s not something you can “fix,” but reflection is one of the most crucial tools for self-improvement.
Sometimes, you are in the right. If, after you’ve thought it through, you feel strongly that you are completely in the right (or even mostly, depending on the circumstance and who the conflict is with), stand your fucking ground. Do not let people push you around, bully you, guilt you, or otherwise manipulate you. Particularly if you have used the tools I’ve previously addressed in this very document.
Note: I don’t necessarily mean use force or get angry. Especially since doing so might suddenly make you less blameless. Just know you are justified in your feelings and stick your flag in the sand. If other actions are necessary later, you address it then.
You Shouldn’t Complain If Your Misery Is Your Own Making
If everything that’s going wrong in your life is a direct result of your own actions and choices, instead of victimizing yourself, you should take the time to reflect on those actions and choices so you can learn from your mistakes, grow, and become a better person. I see far too many people complaining about things in their lives that are honestly their own faults. (Of course, I’m not talking about mental or physical illnesses. I’m referring specifically to actions they took and decisions they made that resulted in things they didn’t like.) If you push someone away, they’ll leave you. If you make a wrong choice, there will be consequences. Instead of blaming everyone else, take responsibility for your own life.
Feelings Are Valid, Behaviors Are Not
I don’t know why it took me so long to add this on here. Out of everything on the list (so far), this might be the one I manifest the most. I swear I mention this concept in at least a third of my blog entries, probably more. Feelings are always valid. They’re a natural, human response to stimuli. (Note, the words “valid,” “healthy,” and “justified,” do not all mean the same thing!) However, the behaviors you engage in due to those feelings are not always valid. You can be angry, but that doesn’t give you the right to hurt someone, physically or emotionally. You can be anxious, but that doesn’t give you the right to prevent someone from taking space if they need it. Etc etc etc. You don’t get to take your feelings out on other people, or behave however you want just because you’re feeling a certain way. It’s not right. Behaviors are within your control. (And when they are not, you still need to take responsibility for them and do the work to get them to the point where they are.) Don’t let anyone tell you your feelings aren’t valid. But don’t use those valid feelings to justify toxic, or otherwise harmful behaviors.
I’m hoping this will be a living document. I’ll try to continue adding to it as I think of more philosophies!
