#personal vents

[otaku-kin]

Misandrists do kill, and ain't no nazi pig tell me otherwise.

Idgaf If you think that's it harmless to chop off people's genitals, or to force them as a child to be mutilated. To fester, and feed on little boys so you can have a depraved idiotic fantasy of revenge as if people like Eli Hart deserved to die - to be subjected to abuse.

Talking about men's issues is barely a problem, if you find people being vulnerable bad then I can't help you. At some point, you must choose to spare the innocent, and stop blaming them for their own oppression (to say, that being born must mean that you hold the weight off the world on your hand is disgusting as your arguing then either a life full of suffering or to be aborted.).

I'd rather be aborted then for peers to make comments about men, and be inappropriate around me. (Not all men asked for your little "men/why do men?" rambles, please fuck off! you can't afford therapy and nether can the men either - so fuck off or accept the fact that misandry is real, and kills - instead of wanting to be the killer, and side with the killer of many abused men.).

[wanderingmind867]

I'm always terrified of being unable to handle college. It's so different from high school, and that scares me. I try to avoid thinking too hard about it sometimes, since it stresses me out and gives me stomach pain. But I can't avoid it forever. So I guess I should try to talk about it here. Because I need to discuss all my issues and my stressors about the future. Because it really is a lot, and it's also important to me. I hate having to think about it a lot, but it's also just really hard to not think about it. So let's just get this note over with. sigh...

College seems really different, even now. Because every time I go for a visit there, I just find new and even more stressful things. The schedule for each school day is completely different, which is so unlike High School that it makes me super uncomfortable. One day I might only have three hours, the next day could be six hours. And that's so inconsistent, it really annoys me! High School was never that inconsistent! Elementary School was never that inconsistent! College is just inconsistent, and it's full of changes that make me worry about not being able to handle it. I'm not remotely done here, though. As I still have more stuff I can say in regards to all of my stressors surrounding this transition to College.

I'm also annoyed and frustrated because the college has no library. They replaced it with a computer lab a few years back, and they now only have around a couple hundred books. So there's now nowhere for me to go and read there. Even if we do find a place where I'll feel comfortable reading (which we so far haven't even fucking found yet!), I'll still be annoyed about having received a runaround with all of this. Because I didn't want to have this become such a big problem for me. I'm already dealing with stress related stomach pains and all that horrible stuff.

So yeah, I'm just always kind of scared that I won't be able to handle College. Because if I can't, I don't know what I'll be able to do with my life. That's probably a bit more dramatic than it has to be, but I can't help it. I'm legitimately just always kind of worried about this stuff. Similarly, I'm also just always stressed about aging. And about a whole lot of other things. So that's a contributing factor that makes me uncomfortable. So with my stress related stomach pains and then all of my regular stomach pains, I'm just uncomfortable and worried a lot of the time. I don't even know if I want to do all this stuff. I'm just doing it because I'm even more scared of not knowing what I'll do with my life if school becomes an option that's unavailable to me. sigh...

[antiendovents]

The way people are harassing me for my post on why endogenic systems aren't valid and claiming I'm spreading misinformation, then I look at their damn blog and they're pro endo. Like yeah, argue with the wall mate, I linked many sources and when I go over I can't see any genuine misinformation. If I made a mistake I'd like people to correct me kindly, but all I see is pissy pro endos trying to claim endogenic systems are valid.

[incestshippingventblog]

Fucking swear, I will turn into a Titan from SNK and eat anyone who tries to kinkshame or shipshame

[antiendovents]

breaking the queue I already set up to vent. Probably gonna put it under the cut because GOD DAMN I am angry. Dont worry, the queue will be back to normal soon ((yes I queue posts, don't question me, I will cry))

Uh, also I think I'll add a tag for my own vents, so you can block them if you wanna (#personal vent / #personal vents <- two because I'll probably forget to add or get rid of the "s")

I HATE ENDOS. I am like barely holding myself together, I am sick and tired of trying to find xenogenders, labels, ect, for me and my headmates only for them to be made by endos. Even when I see pro endos with like "oh, DNI if anti endo, but you can still use my terms so don't reclaim them" it makes me pissed off because I DONT WANT to use an pro endos term. I shouldn't have to. Am I going to reclaim it? I DONT KNOW. I want to but I have no motivation, only fear and anger. I am sick of my disorder being treated like a game. I have literally lost years of my life. Years, months that I can't remember. All of it gone. I question whats a trauma response and what's not constantly, I don't know if the trauma I remember is all that happened or if there's more I don't know about. Yet endos can just sit here with their little roleplaying accounts, pretending to have the disorder that makes my life a living hell. I can't make friends, I'm so fucking scared of people, of the outside world, so I come here to the internet and everything is so much worse. FUCK SAKE WHY CANT I JUST HAVE A SPACE TO BE ME. I am so tired of endos taking over safe spaces.

[antiendovents]

more venting ... Eep kinda, I'm so sorry y'all put up with me , not exactly endo related tho, big TW in this one, please check tags for appropriate TWs

I don't really understand what's happening, am I crashing? Am I having some kind of melt down? I don't know. I just feel bad. Horrible. Like the entire world is so horrid and dark and that I'll never be able to be who I want to be. I don't understand this place and I don't think I ever will. I don't understand why people hate me, why they want me dead just for being me. I'm so scared. I feel like someone's going to kill me, like I will die before I even get the chance to be.. me. And everytime I tell someone they just fucking laugh at me, or try give me "logic". But I know that logically it is possible. I could get murdered and it's scary. I do not want to leave my house anymore. At all. It's literally my birthday and all I can think of is how fucked everything is and how I'm going to end up dead.

[letters2ben]

What a strange and mostly sad day.

I did end up sleeping through most of it, since I work nights and am used to being asleep during the day. Plus my family is quite far away and I miss them. I've never felt right about celebrating today as a holiday, and this year I finally got away from it. It doesn't feel good, but on a day representing such sadness, that feels appropriate enough.

Still, silent sadness alone in my apartment like any other day does not feel any more productive than celebrating as my family does. I can save up to donate to Indigenous orgs and buying winter presents from Indigenous artists is a good idea but nothing I can do immediately.

I will take the rest of my evening to learn more history. As the darkness of Winter overtakes what is already a dark time, and has been for over 300 years, I wonder about personally giving into despair and if that is not worthwhile. Generally, the feedback I've gotten I'd that it's not, and I wouldn't recommend it to others.

I have no good ideas or meaningful words to bring to the conversation. I write these little vents for myself, and apologize if anyone finds them distasteful. I do not wish sadness on anyone, but it is ridiculous to say that in the face of centuries of violence, death, and destruction that Indigenous people and the land and plants and animals here have faced. The violence and destruction feel too big to do anything about, too encompassing of everything we do and think in mainstream american culture. Going against that culture feels like it raises more questions than answers.

I hope everyone can find a little peace today and this winter. Try to understand our past and why we are here now. Donate to and become educated on what goes against Indigenous prosperity. Take a moment of quiet in the darkness for what has been lost. Keep living anyway.