#personal-ish

[cenotaphghuleh]

Missing you extra hard today. 🥲

📸: Ryan Chang

I've been feeling very out of sorts recently, but pulling-myself-together attempts are happening in the background. Thanks to those of you who've been keeping me sane recently, I appreciate you ♡

[mx-dragon-faye]

I love getting comments from people enjoying my fics who are looking forward to more, I really do! But maybe it’s something with the way my mind processes it and it’s just me, or maybe this is something others relate to as well, but comments that are just something along the lines of “please update soon” with no variation of “wow I really enjoyed this!” included feel… idk if disheartening is the right word, but something like that.

Because me, personally, I’m usually always actively trying to work my way through writing the next chapter of all my current ongoing fics. But I cannot control the work my professors assign, or the time my chronic pain chooses to flare up nor the severity of it, and nor can I control any other aspect of my life that pops up and slows down or sometimes even fully pauses my usual writing process.

And to see someone who presumably enjoys my fic(s) enough to ask for an update, only ask for an update feels… kinda bad. I don’t know exactly what it is about it, but it’s just like… because they aren’t mentioning anything they liked about the fic, or even that they liked it, in their comment it sorta feels like they don’t truly appreciate the work I’ve put in and only want the end result of the next update?

Not sure if I’m properly articulating the way I feel about it, but yeah. I do appreciate that they even took the time to comment and seem to enjoy the fic because they’re asking for more of it! But at the same time it’s— I enjoy it because it’s a nice comment and not a scam or a bot or hate, but it’s not my favorite kind of nice comment to receive, if that makes sense? Idk I’m tired and in pain rn

[butyoudidthis4what]

TLDR: I think (knock on all of the wood) that work is slowing down just enough for me to resume my writing schedule and be around more. But, I'm having one of my usual do I matter as an author crises and struggling with some writer's block. Right now I think I need to really prioritize what I want to write and what I can get my brain to write lol as I get back into the swing of things. With how tired I am I think it's going to be some pure/close to pure fluffy/flirty/funny pieces that are quicker for me to write and less mentally taxing than my usual angst hurt/comfort that I love. I'm thinking things like It's planned., Tepid, A nice bonus (I'm realizing how few of those kind of pieces I have with Jack 😂 love to make him and reader work for it 😂).

That said, I don't have a ton of fluffy/flirty/funny ideas at the moment 😂😭😂, so if you have any cute little ideas for Jack, Pope, Titus, Brett, Grant, or Charlie that fit that vibe feel free to send them my way!! 🙂 Thank you for your patience with me and your support!! I really appreciate it more than I can say. I’m sorry for whining and saying shit I say all the time and you’re so kind to support me through. I’m really not looking for attention or praise, I just want to be open about where I’m at. ♥️♥️

Gif because he's hot of the day and the gif that made me have to write for him for the energy:

Extended version below. Idk why other than at this point I wrote it so why not lol.

I think I'm finally coming up for air a little with work, I was able to leave relatively close to on time today and knock on wood don't feel so drained that I know I won't really be able to write. I barely had time to write at all last week and I don't know why it has me so thrown for a loop but it totally does for some reason. It's amped up the 'I'm going to be forgotten' and 'Should I even bother anymore' and 'Is my stuff outside of what's currently ended on cliff hangers really wanted' feelings and introduced 'Should I even try to get back into the swing of writing?'

Not helping anything is that I've been having some level of writer's block. I think I'm just putting so much pressure on myself to get something done and out as soon as possible and so that makes me freeze up and I can't get any words out really. I also think in large part I'm just so exhausted my brain doesn't have anything to give at a certain point, especially because I do so much angst and hurt comfort lol and that really does take a lot more mental energy and emotional bandwidth than I think I realized. (I forgot to set an alarm two Saturdays ago and literally slept all day, 17 hours, so I feel like that's a good representation of where I'm at on lack of sleep and exhaustion lol. Also I'm just taking like extraordinarily poor care of myself as a human and I know it and am trying to get better. I'm just constantly tired so I'm like yeah I'll start tomorrow and then as they say, tomorrow never comes. 🙃🫠 So to some extent there's nobody or nothing to blame but me.)

I know it's probably not what anyone wants to hear and is super shitty of me and I'm really sorry and hope nobody is too mad, but I think the Titus hurt comfort that won that poll I did a bit ago is probably going to have a pin put in it while I work on something (things?) more fluffy and lighthearted to try and get myself back into the swing of things and kind of unlock my brain. Like I said above, with how tired I am I think it's going to be some pure/close to pure fluffy/flirty/funny pieces that are quicker for me to write and less mentally taxing. I was able to write some last night so that was encouraging and has me hopeful that once I'm able to settle back into it everything will be good.

We also have a three day weekend coming up and I'm going to do my absolute best to not have to work at all that weekend and just take those three days to myself to catch up on sleep and write as much as I want and maybe hang with friends or make the rounds to pet dogs and kittens. I do already have two self-care things planned, one Friday night and one Saturday, so that will be nice.

I'm rambling at this point lol. I just feel bad for not getting anything out and I think I really don't want to be losing this piece of me that writing represents because I really enjoy doing it and think it has been super therapeutic. So hopefully I can just chill out and get back into things (and convince myself my fics outside of those currently ended on cliff hangers are still wanted lol) and everything will work out nicely.

A friend did some math for me based on what I've been able to post for us all so far this year and apparently it's roughly 8,577 words per week which doesn't seem possible lol. So I think it's okay to try and get myself to realize that with my job being what it is, that's probably not a super sustainable number and it's okay for it to drop.

So yeah. If you read this far you're truly amazing and so incredibly supportive for listening to me vent and ramble and try to talk myself into being okay. And again, I’m sorry for whining and saying shit I say all the time and you’re so kind to support me through. I’m really not looking for attention or praise, I just want to be open about where I’m at. Thank you so much for reading and for all of your support and encouragement and taking the time to read this and any of my fics. I wish I could articulate how much it means to me. Thank you again and hopefully I will have something for us soon!! ♥️♥️

[hereforeartthouromeo]

Being an art major in one class with almost exclusively science majors is so funny. I’ll talk to my art friends about my free-topic class project and they’ll be like “obviously that’s true you barely have to do research to prove it” and then I walk into class and the science students act like I’ve said the most revolutionary thing they’ve ever heard and that I’m a genius for figuring all of this out on my own. Meanwhile, they’re talking about, like, curing incurable diseases like it’s just another Tuesday.

[thingstrumperssay]

My father-in-law- who voted for Trump because "he said that he was going to make groceries cheaper-" just called my husband complaining about how he's not going to have any money from SNAP next month.

Of course my husband told him that it's because of the shut down since republicans are being babies about some racist shit, and of course his dad shut tried to shut that conversation down.

I was trying to watch something so I mostly just heard bits and pieces, but apparently my husband talked about how much we have to pay for groceries on top of our bills as a way to subtly hint that he can't start buying groceries for every member of his family who depends on benefits who voted to lose them.

To be fair, we're doing okay financially so far. We just won't be if we also have to feed his family as well. Plus we know that if we help them even a little they will expect us to help them forever, rather they need it or not.

[theunintentionallyawesomeone]

Man, some of the criticism (if you can call it that) that is lobbied at Hazbin Hotel is giving me such major Steven Universe flashbacks.

I just saw someone say that the show was ultimately "pro-fascist" bc the show is "showing both the alt-right and far-left as the same" since the angels and their gift baskets weren't shown to be as bad as Vox during the rally. (I need some of you to look up what "dramatic irony" is for me.)

It's making me flashback to people calling Rebecca Sugar a nazi since Steven didn't shatter the diamonds.

Hmm, a queer afab person who created a musical cartoon being called a fascist bc they weren't given as much time as they wanted to tell their story. History really does rhyme...

[pleasurebotrick]

I have a few wishes.

Our collective birthday is coming up. I have ideas. If anyone feels like gifting at me. However you perceive me, please draw me that way. My only request is that you place a beauty mark by the corner of my left eye and keep my eyes a dark color. (They are customizable, but I prefer them nearly black.)

any kind of art/writing of me, and/or Soup Rick (iykyk)

me and @starburst-rick dancing or doing something recreational or in a fusion like from Steven Universe

me doing happy flapping

any art related to the kinks listed in my pinned (sizeplay, soft vore, fearplay, etc)

me with you and/or your OC ♥

praise :] or whatever else you got

I'll add more to this as I get other ideas.

[coherent-thoughts-needed]

the fanart only shows up on my dash the second my little brother looks at my screen istg