On Marriage I am tired. Truly exhausted. My husband is a good man, and a loving father — but when it comes to being a provider, I’ve always felt the weight of carrying the financial load alone. Since the beginning, he has never supported me financially, and that challenge has been constant.
He is present as a father, but not as a supportive husband. People often tell me, “You have to understand, since you’re the one who understands most.” But until when? How long do I keep stretching my patience, my strength, my love?
I want to fix things, but I’m too tired. I don’t even know if love is still there, or if what remains is pity. It hurts to admit that, but it’s the truth echoing in my heart.
On Work Then there’s my job. I don’t know if I’m still happy where I am. It feels draining — mentally, emotionally. I’m so preoccupied, juggling responsibilities, yet questioning if this is where I truly belong.
On Life and Faith And so I ask, What should I do, God? I’ve carried these questions silently, but today I let them spill out. I pray for clarity, for strength, for direction. I pray for peace in my marriage, fulfillment in my work, and courage to face whatever lies ahead.
So I’m like 17 or 18 or something and wondering around CDMX and I found ... him ... . We both looked into each other’s eyes. I knew him from a past life. He instantly knew me. We spent 48 hours wondering the streets and laughing like old friends. <<< I overstayed my stay (in that country illegally to be with him for months until I was sent away by Interpol but that’s a story for another time) >>>. When I left we skyped 2-4 hours a FUCKING DAY nearly EVERY FUCKING DAY. I fell for this kid hard. I was stuck in my country, USA, a place I fucking hate, and he was stuck in Mexico. I made the most of this shitty situation and got a job and a Bachelor’s. Probably good idea, but I’m UPSET I’m stuck living in this country I hate. ANYWAYS because I’m drunk and can’t put explanation into this I can NEVER be with this kid.
Every time I’ve gotten the opportunity to move back it won’t work. Me there = him across the world/me there = him in relationship or even YET I got a VISA to move to Mexico and I can’t go because I got cancer and am stuck in the USA for EVEN LONGER to get treatment. I’m 25 years old, we STILL Skype every weekend and still have a deep connection and I am still IN LOVE WITH HIM because he is actually my soul mate and I will never tell him because our purpose in this lifetime isn’t to be together that way and he’ll never see me in that way. This is karma for bad choices I’ve made in the past and I accept that.
So how do I handle this? I date other people knowing I have to make the most of this shitty situation and knowing I will NEVER experience this kind of love with ANYONE ELSE and keeping this horrible knowledge contained to myself and I guess whoever the fuck reads this long ass post.
TLDR: I met my soulmate when I was wondering aimlessly in Mexico and we are best friends. I’ve been in love with him for 5 years and he WILL NEVER and HAS NO idea and I will never love anyone on Earth the way I love him so I bottle it inside and date other people hoping for a good outcome. Here’s to hoping no boyfriend ever sees this ever and reads it. OH and every time I try to fulfill my purpose to move to Mexico the universe stops me from going - i.e. legal restrictions and cancer treatment.
That is a secret confession. LOL I AM SO DRUNKKKKKK AND SAD
I am writing this at 2:38 A.M. while intoxicated, sobbing and needing desperately to get out my inner thoughts while blasting depressing music on full volume but ANYWAYS I digress so here we go
Background Timeline:
2000: I entered Kindergarten. Most of my classmates were Latino and I would hear their adults speak Spanish when the students were picked up/dropped off from school. It was absolutely beautiful. I had images of Mexico planted into my head from an unknown source and felt a sense of belonging even though I had never been there. When Spanish would come onto our T.V. (bless the ~five~ working cable channels we had back then with the antenna) my parents would say words along the lines of “turn that crap off.” I was five and it crushed me and I didn’t even know why but it KILLED ME
2003: We learned about Mexico in 2nd grade geography and the image I had in my head matched the picture on the map (even though I knew literally everything about Mexico in my head despite never learning about it before at home or school or wherever the fuck) and then we got a new student and LORD that boy was fiiiiiiiiiiine. He spoke good English and was an indigenous Mexican immigrant - I think it took three days before I was in love with him, which lasted for like a year if I recall (not sure what caused that to end but we moved states and I never saw him again so who cares)
2006: Middle School nightmares begin in 6th grade when I was 12. One positive thing: I could choose one of the eight classes I took and was thrilled to learn Spanish - but I started puberty in the 3rd girl and it was too late to learn Spanish the easy way and I became ANGRY with my parents for withholding this ability from me - something I still am mad about to this day at 25 years old AND even though we fucking lived on the fucking Mexican border we NEVER crossed because my mother didn’t think we were “like those kinds of people” . . .
2009: I was a freshman in high school. 540/600 of my classmates were white so this didn’t help me find any resources when I had to take Spanish 1 (again) as a graduation requirement ... or Spanish 2/3 as high school continued and OH HEY since I’m drunk and blabbering why don’t I just add I almost didn’t pass because I was so busy staring at the sexy motherfucking dark brown Latin boy ahead of me but ooops moving on until 2013 when I graduated the fuck out of high school and noped out of that hellhole
TLDR; I remember Mexico from a past life and spent my entire childhood wanting nothing more than to learn Spanish and/or visit this beautiful country from a past life and even though I lived on the fucking border my parents were not into exploring Mexico at all because fuck white people. I have grown into a salty, bitterass adult about it and am 25 and still mad. Oh and I’ve liked brown boys since birth, reaffirming my gayness, and that hasn’t changed so ANYWAYS now the <u>actual confession part below:
THE ACTUAL CONFESSION PART:
When I was fresh out of high school I used money I had saved to immediately take a flight into Mexico City without a plan, and somehow convinced my parents this was a good idea??? (Mystery to this day how I pulled off that feet, kudos to my past self) and then I knew I found my purpose on earth.
After looking at MMA 2015, I was so sad that IU wasn’t there...then again, I get why she’s not there, but I hope she’s going to attend MAMA 2015 and perform some songs :) Fighting IU unnie!!!! UANEAS FOREVER <3
I’m an honest person.
And when I say that I’m an honest person, I mean that I’m specifically honest.
If you have a conversation with me, I will tell you just about anything if steered in the right direction, even if it’s something you didn’t need to know. (especially the things you shouldn’t know...)
But sometimes I feel it is necessary to lie when asked a direct question, or when you think the negative outcome of telling the truth is far worse than the implications caused by the lie.
For example, if you’re my best friend, and you ask me:
“Does my outfit look good? Like, be honest!” (most of my friends don’t speak this way. i’m just a dramatic loser.)
What should I say? Personally, our styles are just about as far apart on the spectrum as they could get. I could tell you I don’t like it, but what good would come of that? You’d be upset with me, and you’d probably never wear that top again. And you really loved that top.
Instead, I’ll say:
“Seriously cute. Love. Where’d you get that top?”
Because you’re really only asking me to reassure your decision, and want to have positive feedback. I don’t want to upset my friend, and I certainly hope you keep wearing that top.
-kaitlyn grace
**this is what happens after 2am when I can’t go to sleep, even though I really shouldn’t still be awake.
My day starts in less than 4 hours.
night tumblr!
So I've been dating Taylor* for four months (offically, with an additional 3 months of "what are we?") and I know that Taylor's dated others (male and female) before me and I know they've reached varying levels of intamacy. Before we were together, I didn't mind but now every slight mention of an ex makes me feel a bit jealous and a lot awkward. I know there is nothing wrong with that fact, I just cant help it. So when Taye said we should go to New York in October, I was super pumped until it was mentioned that Taylor would want to visit an ex while there. They are friends and I knew about this before we were together. I also know that Taye would NEVER cheat, I just am not looking forward to a week in 'past history' land as NYC was where they finally got to be together (what that exactly means I havent asked, i dont think I want to know). I feel ridiculous, I know im just being silly. All of this was fine a while ago, I'm friends with two exes as well... I just feel paranoid lately for no reason. I am in love with Taylor, I have been for awhile. I scared of one day losing Taye.
I get overly excited when One Ok Rock is gonna do a live. Even if it's not in my country. This means I get to see fancams and have a slight update of how they are doing.
