#personalshizzyo

[spookyduckface]

🙃 So, I officially have Stage 3 Cancer 🙃

The doctors didn’t manage to get all of it the first time and in subsequent scans didn’t see it spreading up to my lymph nodes in my stomach and neck, so I will be needing more treatment again 😮‍💨

[spookyduckface]

✨Welcome Weary travellers✨

I’m Steve! (He/they)

30’s from the south of England

Bi/Pansexual

Genderfluid

I’ve been on tumblr a LONG time

💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚

Left AF

Yearner

Digital artist, musician, button presser, idiot

In remission from 10 years of Cancer as of March 2026

Disabled

And struggle with chronic pain and social anxiety even online, my online bones be hurting

But most importantly frend 🥺👉🏻👈🏻

💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚

Please put your ages in your bio!

Sex work is real work

Pro Choice AF

LGTBQ+

Trans rights are Human rights!

Black/indigenous lives matter!

No one is illegal on stolen land

Free Palestine, Ukraine and whomever else needs freedom

And people should be free to practice whatever religion and sexuality they please ✌🏻

💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚

Fuck AI

Fuck Trump

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[spookyduckface]

Hey beans, just a cancer/chemotherapy health update

Although some things have been improving (I’m on sleeping medication short term now) I’ve been having some other severe side effects that have been almost killing me, I’ve been rushed to the hospital twice and I’ve been struggling to maintain any kind of nutrition/food and a lot of hydration so my body is not functioning in healthy ways

I’ve lost 3 stone in the past few days due to severe issues and even my cancer team are struggling to keep up with solutions without having me admitted somewhere full time to stop my body literally withering away, but yeah I’m still here, very brain fogged and still struggling with a LOT of pain, but they have realised now that they have flooded my body with so much of a problematic level of chemotherapy in one week that they’ve actually almost killed me 😅

20 hours of chemo in 3 days was insane and yeah 👌 anyway lil update essay over with now, just letting yall know im still kind of kicking and i fucking love the lot of you ☺️❤️

(Also I’ll probably edit and add change things when I think of them, but the brain fog makes thinking or concentrating hard)

[spookyduckface]

Living with aphantasia my entire life has been really difficult, I’ve always felt that I was “wrong” because I couldn’t learn or express myself the way others could. I only learned of the condition in the last 10 or so years? So since then I’ve been able to catalogue a few more memories and am trying to write more.

When regular people read books they can take the imagery that’s being described to them and create the mental imagery in their heads to be able to live in the story or view it in a way similar to a movie, whereas I only see words, I cannot take the words in front of me and create an image in my brain, meaning reading books doesn’t have any effect on me.

And it’s not just literature this affects, my memories of my childhood, my teens, and of important moments of my life I’m never able to revisit in my waking hours, because I don’t see anything, I know names and places, but faces and people are nothing but words etched into my head.

When I dream I am sometimes able to reach a lucid state that allows me to view some images but they’re often distorted and feel very liminal (hence my love for liminal spaces media like the backrooms and analog horror) however this also causes moments in which I am unsure of whether something actually happened in my life or was conjured by my subconscious brain

But it’s a very lonely existence because once a moment has passed, unless I have photographic evidence of the event, it’s something I’ll never experience again even in my memories.

[spookyduckface]

I have finished all of my scheduled chemotherapy sessions and now it’s wearing off I’m back to having pain in the two areas I currently have cancer 😮‍💨 so I’m really doubting that it’s actually worked, and worst of all is I can’t be scanned properly for it until February and won’t potentially have more therapy until I’ve spoken to my oncologist in March.

So it’s going to be a stressful few months again 😮‍💨

[spookyduckface]

First day of chemo in an hour, and I’ve had an hours sleep due to painful cancer related pain in my stomach 😮‍💨

These 9 hours are gonna suck boys!

[spookyduckface]

—

Why is it when on the days I feel more Fem on the spectrum I’m in a better mood? Am I just a depressed guy and a bad bitch or?

[spookyduckface]

I’ve lived my entire life in a perpetual state of disconnect from my body, in a constant state of feeling like I’m being watched and judged by someone other than myself.

I don’t know if it’s the uncertainty of the universe and what lies beyond, whether it’s a cruel god, advanced aliens, a simulation that’ll just be reset upon death, or simply nothing, the unbiased cold nothing of consciousness death, or perhaps it was the trauma the film “The Truman Show” has caused me over the years, but I’ve been trying really hard to pull myself out of the anxiety of never feeling like what I do, say, think is even my own thoughts, maybe I exist only through memory of my older self, and that’s why I feel so disconnected from this life.

Even posting this, it’s throwing a post into the possible void, maybe someone will see it, judge it, or even just pass on like it had never happened, my thoughts and feelings are out for people to see or not see

Shrodingers trauma dump.

Fermi paradox basically

This is the uncertainty of the kind of omnipresent and omnipotent being that couldn’t be proved or disproved in our lifetime, or maybe even ever.

And the idea of there also being nothing, nothing watching, judging or even just acknowledging our existence, because then it means it’s all for nothing.

But I’ve put the invitation out, and the thoughts are no longer just in my head