#personatalie

[leechea]

i don’t know if this message will ever get to you. i don’t know if you’ll ever hear my thoughts. i don’t know. i miss you. oh, how i miss you. it’s been a year plus since we’ve communicated. we moved our messaging from tumblr to kakaotalk and we some issues on kakao. i met someone and they ended up making kakaotalk a very toxic place for me so i deleted the app eventually. i just pray that you’re doing extremely well. there’s not a day that i don’t think about you. you’ve made a significant impact on my life and to even think that i’d forget about you would be devastating to me. 

i just want to update you on my life now since you’re the only one that i usually speak to about ... my life. i’m a college student now. i go to the biggest university in my state and i’m majoring in biochemistry and molecular biology. i just finished with my first year of college and i am a rising sophomore. i quit studying german after two years because my teacher wasn’t really good. he had a lot of anger issues and i didn’t want to be in that kind of environment. i studied japanese during my first year of college and LMAO NOPE I QUIT. it’s so hard. overall though, i’m doing very well. i’m not much of a sad bean, but my health has been very rough this year. i’m living though! i’ll be moving into an apartment with a friend in august and basically, ‘adulting’. i quit playing violin, unfortunately. in the recent year, a stray cat walked into my home and we adopted her since. her name is mimi and she’s a tuxedo cat. she’s the light of my life, currently lmao. i will be turning 19 this june and guess what i’m doing for my birthday? i’m going to see our favorite band! one ok rock! i’m so excited. best believe i’ll think of you the whole time. 

i wonder what you’re up to. i wonder what great things you’re doing with your life right now. what breaks my heart is that you’re probably wondering what i’m up to and it’s honestly just so saddening that we lost contact in the most accidental way possible. i just hope every single day that you log onto your tumblr and check your messages. it’s been a year since you’ve updated though... it hurts. i’ve been trying to search for your address just in case you sent it to me over tumblr, but gah... searching through 5,000+ messages is hard. i know you sent me a box of chocolates and that had your address BUT MY DUMBASS THREW AWAY THE BOX WHILE WE WERE STILL TALKING BC I NEVER THOUGHT WE’D SEPARATE. i moved three houses within two years so there’s no way i still have the box. i have your letters though /: but anyways, i will continue to search and hopefully luck is on my side. i want to send you a letter even if nobody occupies your residence. i’m not giving up. i need to know you’re okay.

i love you. always will, bianca.

[leechea]

uncertainty. i hate that feeling. that's all i've felt this whole week. my chest is tight. my shoulders are tense. i can't sleep. my energy is drained. the anxiety that dictates my lifestyle has reached its max. i want to be able to say that it's okay to be uncertain about the events that will approach me in the near future, but i've always been a prepared person. it's hard to utter that confidently, without hesitation. it's very hard. i want to be able to adapt when unexpected situations arise and handle it with a mind that only envisions going forward. perhaps this is an opportunity... to try to suppress this overwhelming scenario and walk out of it with strength filled footsteps. honestly, optimism is the only thing keeping me sane at this point. i'm okay. it's going to work out. it's not the end of the world. breathe. i just hope the optimism engulfing me whole transforms into a result that will leave me satisfied and happy. i hope. i want to be lively again.

[leechea]

I was cleaning my room and I found the letter you wrote me. The letter that you sent after knowing me for two days. It was filled with words that can make anyone’s heart flutter. It was also filled with many empty promises. They weren’t fulfilled whatsoever, I’ll tell ‘ya that. I’m not going to keep a token that would remind me how our relationship was ideal in the beginning and it ended up tormenting me.

So I decided to rip it up. 

It. Felt. So. Fucking. Good.

[leechea]

i have a love-hate relationship when it comes to shopping. i love new clothes and stuff, yeah!! but i tend to get very frustrated when i try on things. today i was looking for some boots since it’s fall. i’m a bit thick when it comes to my legs and honestly, i tried on a million boots and none fit me right ;; i love my body and all, but there are times where i’m just like ?????? fuck????? this is annoying as shit???? i’m curvy and a little thick yeah it’s great, but man it’s hard to find things that fit you in the right places :(((( 

[leechea]

I’ve pushed you to the back of my mind, but every time I see you on social media, this awful feeling builds up in my stomach. I just wonder how you’re holding up with life, if you’re eating regularly, if you’re doing well with your studies… But then I stop myself. Why should I spend my time caring for someone when nothing is reciprocated in any way? It’s time to truly let go and move on.

[leechea]

I'm really fed up with my parents pushing cosmetology onto me. I fully understand that I don't have to consider as my major or anything, but to just get a license to attain a job that'll help me financially in the future when I'm in college majoring in science/math. It's a great thing to consider, but they don't understand that I have no room in my schedule to do cosmetology in high school. I have no room at all. My schedule is packed with academic courses that are necessary for me to graduate high school. I keep telling them that and all they say is, "Well, don't regret your decision once you'll be broke in college." -- "Don't say that I didn't try to help you in the past." -- "I'm not gonna help you in the future."

It kinda makes me upset that they don't understand that I have no time or room for it. They keep filling my head with these horrid scenarios and I'm almost discouraged in pursuing my dream now.

It's just really ironic for them to say that since they've always pushed me into the medical field and I've actually come to love the whole science thing now-- but apparently, I should focus on doing nails and shit rather than focusing on my studies. Goodness gracious. I'm about to just say 'fuck it' to their opinions and go my own way.

[leechea]

I feel like I'm suffocating.

Just as I thought life was great, a bomb explodes in front of me so suddenly. The word divorce has been spoken of before in the past and it's back to haunt my ears. They want a divorce. An argument can trigger rash decisions and I feel like they can fix their relationship in some way even though it's damaged tremendously. They have always fixed their problems so I know it is possible for them to resolve things. I'm just so conflicted. In all honesty, I don't want them to separate. I feel so selfish saying that. Awfully selfish.

[leechea]

We're no longer a thing. We're no longer together as one. 

However, I was just stunned on how amazing our thoughts were so mutual. We ended on good terms and I'm beyond relieved about it.

I'm happy that things were resolved by ending our relationship, but there will be a piece of me that'll miss you regardless. 

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for everything you've done for me.

You brought a cold corpse into a warm and loving individual.