DAY TWO HUNDRED AND FORTY-NINE - 5/12/17
“UNTITLED FUNERAL PLAY (THRU PAGE 44)” by DJS
It actually kind of stuns me that I’m going to finish a play of this scope and I’m happy with most of the result. So there.
The scene is the interior of six cars, part of a funeral procession.
The action should be staged as simply and unadorned as possible— perhaps stealing a page from the theatre of Thornton Wilder, eg chairs or benches for car seats, mimed driving, etc. Minimal props and lighting; once the lights come up, they stay up. The company is onstage for the duration of the show.
This includes the sound operator and stage manager (preferably the same person), along with their equipment. They should have a small station in full view of the audience.
There is an inherent challenge in this approach in that actors— even when they’re not the primary focus of a scene— must remain “on” at all times, filling every moment with real life, even if that just means breathing.
The actors are all dressed in black funeral attire.
Characters (by car – *indicates the driver)
#1- Margaret (50s, funeral director) / Glenn* (her step-son, funeral attendant)
#2- Jim (70s, the widower) / Eric* (his elder son) / Mindy (Eric’s wife)
#3- Beth* (Jim’s daughter) / Doug (Beth’s husband) / Kenzie (their 16 year old daughter) / Ry (Eric and Mindy’s 19 year old son)
#4- Andy* (Jim’s younger son) / Kelly (Andy’s wife) / Carter (their 15 year old son) / Clay (their 12 year old son)
#5- Wade* (Jim’s younger brother) / Ellen (Wade’s wife) / John (Jim’s older brother) / Bailey (John’s young wife)
#6- Nita (the deceased’s sister) / Pammy* (Nita’s daughter)
Organ music. Church bells toll. The funeral service has just let out. The company enter to their respective cars.
Margaret waits in the passenger seat of #1. She wears reading glasses, consulting a clipboard.
After a few moments, Glenn hustles over and gets behind the wheel.
MARGARET We all set back there?
MARGARET People got their flags?
GLENN Yep, all the cars got at least one, with the last vehicle making sure to have two.
MARGARET What about our escort?
GLENN Ready to go. They sent us Officer Daniels again which is nice since he knows the route. The other guy I’m less familiar with, I think he might be new.
MARGARET Just as long as Daniels takes the lead.
He is taking the lead, correct?
GLENN Oh yeah. I mean yes.
MARGARET And you reminded everyone about their hazards – to make sure they’re on?
MARGARET What about headlights?
MARGARET You didn’t remind them to turn on their headlights?
GLENN Well I thought because it’s the middle of the day on a perfectly sunny day –
MARGARET Doesn’t matter. It’s a law, Glenn.
MARGARET You better run and tell everyone now before Officer Daniels realizes and we end up wasting even more time.
MARGARET The last thing we need is a lecture that we don’t know how to conduct our business. Or a bad Yelp review.
MARGARET So make it fast.
Glenn nods. Over the next bit, he will go from car to car telling the rest of the drivers to turn on their headlights.
Pammy struggles to load Nita’s collapsible walker into the backseat of #6.
NITA I think… I think I left it. I think I forgot it.
NITA My purse. Is it in the backseat with you? Did you grab it?
PAMMY No I didn’t grab your purse. It’s your purse. You think you left it inside, in the church?
NITA Well that’s the only place that makes sense. I mean I had it earlier.
PAMMY Well they’re about to – I mean we’re about to get going here –
NITA Pammy I can’t leave my purse, it’s got all my prescriptions, I’m gonna need to take ‘em at lunch –
NITA And we’re one of the last cars. If you hurry –
I need my pills Pammy, now you know that. Maybe you can explain it to the guy, the one who’s organizing everything, I just saw him get out of his – the hearse up there. Maybe there’s a holdup for some reason and you actually have time.
NITA Ohh thank you, Pammy, thank you.
PAMMY Don’t thank me. I mean you gotta have your pills, right?
NITA You know, he’s cute.
NITA The guy. The one they got driving – the attendant, whatever he’s called.
PAMMY You mean the guy that works for the funeral home?
NITA Yeah, did you see him?
PAMMY He’s an undertaker.
NITA You don’t know that, you don’t know if he actually works on the bodies. Maybe he just helps with the flower arrangements, and the guest book and stuff.
NITA You had a girlfriend for a couple years after college, that’s not the same thing.
A pause. Then Pammy shuts the door on her mother and exits.
JIM You didn’t have to sit back there, Mindy.
MINDY Oh it’s fine, Jim, don’t worry about it.
JIM You got enough leg room? I can move my seat forward –
JIM Wait a minute – where’s what’s his name? Ryan.
ERIC He’s riding with Beth and Doug.
ERIC Well, so you’d have some more privacy.
JIM Oh, because I’m gonna start crying? Don’t want the kid to see me balling my eyes out?
ERIC It’s not like that Dad –
JIM You’re trying to manage me.
JIM Everyone today has got their kid gloves on with me and I wish they would just stop. Like your brother –
MINDY No one is trying to manage you, Jim –
JIM Your brother: did you see what he did? Did you see the shit he tried to pull – as we were going up the stairs he takes my arm. Just grabs me by the elbow. Like I can’t walk up four steps, like I’m gonna fall.
JIM My wife died, I didn’t lose all sense of gravity.
MINDY Everyone’s just trying to help, Jim. People want to be there for you.
JIM I just don’t need my fucking hand held, that’s all.
So are we getting this show on the road or what?
In #5, the women are in the backseat.
ELLEN Wasn’t it just a lovely service? Somber without being too morose, you know? Didn’t you think, Wade?
WADE Best one we been to this month.
ELLEN Oh please don’t joke like that.
BAILEY Do you guys really go to a lot of a funerals?
ELLEN Well we do have our share, I’m sad to say. As times goes by, more and more –
JOHN Yeah what is it, cutie?
BAILEY How come you don’t go to more funerals?
JOHN I dunno. They probably forget I’m still alive so don’t invite me.
WADE You are getting up there, kid.
ELLEN Speaking of which, how’s your heart been John? Are you still taking the Plavix was it?
ELLEN Yeah? What do you they have you on for your blood pressure then – anything? Wade’s still doing the Enduron twice a day. It’s only a diuretic because they say it’s only so elevated his blood pressure, not in the real danger area yet.
WADE Except it’s got me pissing like a damn racehorse. I’m talking I’m up three-four times a night –
JOHN Bailey knows. She keeps track of all that stuff for me now.
WADE Girl’s a godsend. I’m telling you John, you’re lucky to have her.
JOHN Think I don’t know that?
Bailey digs in her large bag, taking out several prescription pill bottles and reading the labels
BAILEY Let’s see, what do we got. Metformin, Celebrex, Levitra…
JOHN Walking around with a pharmacy in her purse all because of my old ass.
ELLEN Oh now don’t say that John, I’m sure she doesn’t mind too much.
JOHN God I hope not. I’d be lost without her. No worse – dead. Dead and buried if it wasn’t for my little sugar cookie here.
(To Bailey) Isn’t that right?
He reaches back and pats Bailey’s thigh. She takes his hand and squeezes it while still scanning pill bottles.
BAILEY (proudly) Here we go: Inderal. “To relieve hypertension.”
Pammy enters with Nita’s purse, crossing paths with Glenn on the way back to her car.
PAMMY Oh. Is something wrong?
GLENN No I just forgot to tell everyone to turn on their regular lights too— uhh, headlights.
GLENN Safety precaution. It’s actually the law.
PAMMY I will then, thank you.
He goes. She gets back in her car, shoving the purse at Nita, who smiles.
In #3, Kenzie is crying. Doug coughs into a tissue.
BETH I really don’t know what the holdup is. We should be getting going any minute now, least that’s what the guy said.
Hey, you did good today, Ry.
RY What do you mean? Oh the speech?
BETH The eulogy, yes, thank you, you didn’t have to. It was very sweet. I think your grandma would have liked it.
RY It was weird. I was surprised when Dad asked me.
BETH My idea. I know you fancy yourself a writer, so… Plus you did that speech and debate stuff in high school. It was very eloquent – you were, that is.
(To Doug) Don’t you think, honey?
DOUG Yeah and you kept it short which was nice.
He blows his nose as Beth shoots him an irritated glance.
KENZIE Was it your idea to include the Berenstain Bears stuff?
KENZIE Because Grandma would always read them to us, right?
KENZIE She had the whole collection.
KENZIE I liked that, that you quoted that.
KENZIE I’m missing a big softball tournament for this but I don’t care.
KENZIE Who do you think is going to get those books?
KENZIE If anything they should get split up between us grandkids.
KENZIE But maybe not Carter and Clay because they didn’t really – they weren’t really a part of that, you know? I mean whenever they went over to Grandma and Grandpa’s they just wanted to play their DS’s or watch stupid shows on Cartoon Network, and even when Grandma would offer – so the books mean way more to us than them.
There is the blurt of a police siren; a signal that the procession is about to begin.
KENZIE So we’re on the same page?
BETH Yes what sweetie? I think we’re about to get started here.
KENZIE Mom, have you even been listening to our conversation?
BETH I think so. You were talking about some books –
KENZIE Grandma’s collection of Berenstain Bear books. Ry and I think they should go to us.
KENZIE So if it comes up, or if there’s a problem with Carter and Clay for some reason where they say they want them, you won’t let it happen?
BETH I don’t know sweetie. That’s not really where my head’s at today.
KENZIE You don’t think it’s important?
BETH Well there’s a lot happening...
DOUG (who’s dozed off) Hm? What?
KENZIE Grandma’s collection of Berenstain bear books – you remember?
KENZIE Ryan and I want them.
DOUG OK. I’m sure you can, I’m sure that won’t be a – I mean your grandfather’s not gonna care –
BETH Can we just please everyone discuss this at another time please? That’s my mom in the back of the hearse up there and I’m getting ready to put her in the ground, so if it’s all the same…
The procession begins. Beth puts the car in drive.
CLAY Hey Mom can you plug my phone in?
KELLY How much power does it have left? Because I have to charge mine.
KELLY Let me charge mine a little then I’ll do yours.
CLAY But what if it dies while we’re out at the cemetery?
ANDY You don’t need to have your phone out at the cemetery – you won’t. And we’re already over our data for the month anyway.
CARTER No wonder nothing was loading on Youtube.
CLAY How long till we get to the cemetery?
KELLY (whilst texting, to Andy) Half an hour, right?
ANDY Closer to 45 minutes.
KELLY I remember when you were little and we’d be on long car trips, we’d always give the time to you based on Power Rangers episodes. So if it was two hours away wherever our destination was, it’d be (Sing-song) “Just four Power Rangers left till we get there! Hold on!”
Beat. Carter hits the button to lower his window a few inches.
ANDY Hey, put that back up.
ANDY Because it doesn’t look good. This is a funeral procession, it’s serious. Nobody wants to see one of the car’s windows rolled down.
ANDY Nobody on the street watching.
He hits the button, raising Carter’s window. Slight pause. Then Carter lowers the window again.
CARTER The air conditioning’s busted, it hasn’t worked since last summer –
ANDY What is your problem listening right now??
CARTER Because I don’t understand why you’re making such a big deal out of this!
KELLY (overlapping them) I think we’re all just a little oversensitive right now not to mention tired because we had to get up so early to drive over this morning, hmmm? so let’s try to keep that in mind and have just a bit more patience with other OK? – Andy? Carter? – I think we’re also probably hungry but that will have to wait obviously, though I might have a granola bar in my bag now that I’m thinking of it.
Carter grunts then goes silent. After a beat.
CLAY Mom can I charge my phone now?
Margaret looks up from her clipboard to the road.
MARGARET You’re not keeping up.
MARGARET The police officer, don’t you see, he’s signaling you to go faster.
MARGARET But keep it under 35. Least till we’re on the highway.
MARGARET And don’t swear, Glenn.
She motions vaguely towards the rear of the hearse, meaning the casket.
GLENN Right. Yeah. Sorry.
Can I tell you? It’s still weird for me to drive through a red light.
ERIC (to Jim) Weird to drive straight through a red light, isn’t it?
GLENN Feel like I’m breaking the law.
MARGARET What the escort’s for.
MINDY All I know is I wish I had this on my morning commute every day.
JIM How long’s it take you to get to work?
MINDY An hour. 45 minutes on a good day.
JIM Jesus Christ – how do you people live over there on the west side of the state takes you forever to get anywhere?
ERIC Well, they’re putting in lightrail now so that should help alleviate some –
JIM Is that like a monorail thing?
ERIC A train. It goes both above and below ground.
JIM Yeah? And how much is that costing the taxpayer?
ERIC Well it was voted on, Dad. The county voted for it so – And traffic’s a real problem as Mindy was saying –
JIM You see, that’s why I could never live in a big city. Just too much, too crazy.
JIM That’s good for you. I wouldn’t.
Another police siren blurt, like a warning. Kenzie watches out the window.
KENZIE Everybody’s staring at us. People on the sidewalk.
KENZIE It’s weird. I don’t like it.
BETH Why don’t you close your eyes for a little while then sweetie, rest, you must be tired.
KENZIE I can’t. I’m worried about how the game’s going.
(To Ry) I had a big softball tournament this weekend that I had to miss.
What do you think, Dad, do you think we’re up?
DOUG Depends. I forget, who did they have you girls pitted against the first round?
DOUG Oh you girls should walk away with it then; their offense just hasn’t been able to get it going so far this year.
KENZIE Who do you think started?
DOUG Sarah I’d imagine. I mean since you weren’t there, Coach probably had to go with Sarah –
KENZIE But that’s not really fair then. She shouldn’t get the win just because Kelso can’t hit and make her look good. Coach will get the wrong impression.
DOUG (to Ry) You might have missed it, Ry, but our Kenzie is in something of a competition with this Sarah girl.
KENZIE No I’m not. She sucks. I am so much better of a pitcher than her –
BETH Stop that, Kenzie. I will not have you talking negative about one of your own teammates.
KENZIE But she talks shit about me all the time! She told everyone I was in love with Derek Page when all I said is I didn’t care if he asked me to Homecoming or not!
BETH Well if she did that then she’s rude –
KENZIE She did do that. You don’t believe me??
BETH Of course we believe you. But you still don’t get to attack a person just because you both play the same position in a sport.
DOUG Plus if you think about it… (Starts to go into a coughing fit but wants to make his point.) If you think about it Mac, Coach needs all the solid starters he can get going into playoffs. I mean it’s not like… not like she’s taking your glove away from you. Sorry.
He is coughing so hard he barely gets this last line out. Kenzie is on the verge of tears again.
Bailey is texting on her phone. Ellen watches her.
ELLEN (to Bailey) So, do you two have to rush off back home or can we get you stay a few more days with us? It’s always nice to have John for a visit.
JOHN No we gotta get back. Bailey has a meeting on Monday.
ELLEN (to Bailey) Oh I didn’t know you were working, dear.
BAILEY I’m not. John’s just trying to be nice and sugarcoat. It’s an N.A. thing. You know, Narcotics Anonymous?
BAILEY Sorry, did I just freak you out?
ELLEN No. No, not at all –
BAILEY Because you look freaked out.
ELLEN No it’s just… surprising, dear, that’s all. I mean I never would have guessed it. You seem so together.
And how does John feel about all this?
JOHN If you want to know, ask him.
John sniffs in a matter-of-fact way.
JOHN She had problem – now she doesn’t anymore. End of story.
(To Bailey) Right, cupcake?
Bailey smiles at him sweetly, then goes back to her phone.
WADE Ellie come on, it’s not your business.
ELLEN No I’m, I’m just asking questions. I mean it’s good news, right?
(To Bailey) In fact we’re just so glad you made it out the other side, dear. I’ve heard how those things can be, they can be truly awful, a real nightmare scenario, and you know some people never make it out. There was a story just the other night we saw on the news – do you remember, Wade? – where they busted, this special task force they took down this whole drug distribution ring – well you know how the gangs are around here, how bad it’s gotten – but they had video of just these kids they looked so young, younger than you even, like our grandkids age – who you look at them and it just breaks your heart because you know they were probably a good kid once upon a time – and now they’ve got into this drug stuff and they’re going to jail and their lives are just ruined. Well it’s inexplicable to me. You just thank your stars you were one of the lucky ones, dear, because I’ve seen some of the statistics. It’s a real epidemic around here now.
So how long have you been sober? Do they call it that, “sober”, when it’s drugs or do they call it something else? “Clean” right?
BAILEY (overlapping) Sober’s fine – clean, yeah. Five months.
ELLEN Just five months. Huh.
She does the math in her head
So – sorry – at the family reunion last year you were, you…
WADE Oh would you give it a rest, Ellie. Stop brow-beating the poor girl.
ELLEN I’m not. Besides she said she was fine discussing it.
BAILEY No, umm actually. But yeah, I don’t mind. It’s like in the program they really stress the importance of honesty, you know, so I try to, like, live that philosophy in my every day.
ELLEN I could see where that’d be a rule, yes.
Can I ask you what it was then? I mean was there one particular thing you gravitated towards or…?
WADE (Oh for Pete’s sake…)
BAILEY What was my poison?
Ellen points to her nose like in Charades, then points to Bailey for her to continue.
Pills. Different painkillers mostly. Not that I haven’t done my fair share of other substances but I was never addicted to any of them. But with Oxycodone, Vicodin stuff like that I could just go and go, and it’s always more and more because you can’t stay at for instance six a day, because after awhile six stops doing anything, you don’t feel it anymore, so you increase to ten, then twelve, fourteen, on and just – God, I don’t even want to tell you how many I was up to when I was at my peak, you know my worst?
BAILEY And it’s funny you mention the family reunion thing because I would guess you had no idea something was going on. Nothing up with Bailey, right?
BAILEY But that’s how it is. You get to a point where it’s all just maintaining. You don’t even get high anymore – or not as high, you still get a little. But really it’s just so you can get out of bed in the morning, eat food, go to the store, without feeling like shit – because otherwise you stop taking the pills you instantly start going into withdrawals. That’s why it pisses addicts off so much when people say, Well just stop doing it. “No I’m sorry, I don’t want to die.”
Ellen stares at her for a moment. Then she pats Bailey’s hand.
ELLEN Well you’ve certainly been through the ringer, haven’t you dear? Hasn’t she, Wade?
ELLEN And we’re just so happy you’re all better now, even though we’re finding out about it after the fact.
Nita is struggling to open a bottle of water.
NITA Pammy, do me a favor. I can’t get this.
NITA This water. There’s a little ring like a tab you have to pull and with my arthritis I can’t…
PAMMY Um yeah. OK uhhh. Take the wheel for a second then?
NITA You can’t just do it, I have to drive for you?
PAMMY Well I’m gonna need both hands, Mom.
NITA Oh jeez. Alright. But you know what my confidence is like behind the wheel. Your dad always did the driving for us, I mean if we were going anywhere far, not to the post office like, but –
PAMMY Just keep us going straight and you’ll be fine. It’s not that big of deal.
Nita takes the steering wheel apprehensively with one hand while Pammy opens the bottle of water. The job is trickier and takes longer than she thought but she eventually cracks it.
At which point the car swerves to the right.
Nita shrieks. Pammy quickly grabs hold of the wheel again, spilling water down the front of her dress.
Other characters see this happen in their mirrors and react:
WADE Whoa! Did you see that??
ANDY Nearly drove into the ditch.
BETH Who is that? Is that Pammy back there?
KELLY Wait, what happened??
The whole thing is over very fast. After regaining control of the vehicle, Pammy turns on her mother.
PAMMY Are you fucking kidding me?? Mom you just almost ran us off the road! My dress…
NITA (overlapping) Oh God! Oh God I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Pammy; don’t swear, I just… my hand slipped for a second and –
PAMMY Soaked, completely.
NITA Not to worry, we’ll get you fixed up in no time. Here, I think there are some napkins leftover in the glovebox from when we stopped at Crispy Cream that time. I remember I was smart I saved them.
She uses napkins to pat down Pammy’s dress. After a few seconds of this, Pammy snaps at her.
PAMMY OK would you stop?? Seriously, leave it, please. I’m good, I’ll air-dry, whatever. Just – take your damn water back.
NITA Do you want me to turn on the heater? That might get you dry faster –
She is reaching for the dial.
PAMMY No, then it’ll just be hot.
And it’s hot enough already.
Nita takes a long drink of water, casual again.
NITA Oh I know. Can you believe it’s almost June? Another couple weeks.
Andy is still glancing at his driver’s side mirror in concern.
KELLY So wait, what happened again?
ANDY Nothing. Looks like Pammy just lost control of the car for a second.
KELLY Well, why’d she do that? Are they alright?
ANDY How should I know? You can ask her when we get there.
Looks like they’re fine now.
CARTER Yeah it’d be nice to make it to the cemetery with only one dead body.
Silence. The only one who didn’t catch that was Clay, preoccupied with a game on his phone.
CARTER I know, I’m sorry.
KELLY What made you say that?
CARTER I just thought of it.
KELLY Well you should apologize to your father.
CARTER I did, I said I was sorry.
KELLY This is hard on all of us but him especially.
CLAY Hold on, what did Carter do?
KELLY He needs our support right now. And Grandpa. And your Aunt Beth and your Uncle Eric.
ANDY Oh like he even cares.
KELLY What? Your brother?
Motions to Carter in the backseat
Him. His attitude has sucked all day. First he refused to get out of bed this morning –
CARTER Because I was tired –
ANDY Making us late, putting us behind –
CARTER Mom I told you I couldn’t get to sleep, I’ve been having problems –
ANDY Then when we stopped for breakfast nothing on the menu looks good to him, he’s Mister Choosy all of a sudden –
KELLY Andy, I don’t think that’s entirely –
ANDY Then just to double down on everything I guess, because why not while you’re at it, he starts an argument with me over a window!
CARTER You know you can talk to me Dad, I’m right here.
ANDY So I say let him. Let him if he wants to be a little shit. This can be a lesson. He can learn all about regret, and having regrets, and looking back on how he acted today of all days and realizing he can’t do anything about it, to change that. He only cared about himself.
And I wish Carter, I wish you could feel that sting now, that you didn’t have to wait ohhh ten twenty thirty years for it to hit you, to come around, to bite you in the ass. I just hope I live to see it.
CARTER That’s not what I’m doing.
ANDY Keep telling yourself that. See how far it gets you.
Beat. Then Carter punches the back of Andy’s seat. Andy flinches but makes no other reaction.
Glenn slows down to make the big turn onto the highway.
The police sirens go on for a good minute now as the rest of the procession merges onto the highway. The cars accelerate.
JIM So I’m selling the house.
JIM Yeah, got a buyer all lined up. Young couple just had their first kid. They want to do some remodeling, think the kitchen, the bathrooms all could use an overhaul, bring everything up to date.
Well you know your mother and I had been talking about it for years, it was no secret. That was always the plan. We were supposed to do it after I retired. It’s too big, too much property, upkeep, and now for one person, it doesn’t make sense. So we’re signing the contracts next week.
JIM You make it sound like it’s this involved process. The truth is I put the listing up on a Monday and by that Friday I had three offers on the table. Not that I didn’t have a few questions. Like I wasn’t sure what to value it at. I’d had a guy out to appraise it but the figure he came up with didn’t seem quite right to me. So I talked to your sister about it. She has a friend who’s a realtor, smart gal –
JIM Now don’t go blaming her. I was the one told her to keep her mouth shut at least till we were further down the line, because I knew you’d object.
ERIC Of course you weren’t wrong. But this is not just your decision to make.
You both look at me like I’m crazy when this has always been the plan. Even when your mother was still alive, when she went into the hospital. You don’t think I wasn’t consulting her? That she wasn’t with me every step of the way on this?
Now I won’t lie and say we agreed on the timeline. She wanted to wait till the grandkids were out of school, had graduated and moved on to college, and that was the plan until she got sick. Then we changed the plan. Because you know our savings are fine, I got more than enough to live on the next however many years, whatever route I end up taking I don’t know yet. So with the profits from the sale of the house, we just figured we’d split ‘em four ways, between the four kids. The four grandkids. Help em pay for college. Or help em just get going.
That was your mother’s wish, Eric.
ERIC And that’s great, Dad. But it could have waited a few more years, right, til everything’s more… settled. Why did it have to be now?
JIM Because. On top of everything, the money, I’m not really interested in the house anymore.
MINDY Sorry Jim, just to clarify: Are we just talking about maintenance and stuff, taking care of the lawn? Because we can totally hire someone, a landscaping team you know to come out if you’re feeling overwhelmed.
JIM Not feeling overwhelmed. Just done.
MINDY But the house. Back me up here, Eric. All the memories. Not that we were under any delusion you would hold onto it forever, but we all moved around so much to where that house was the one constant, like a second home. I know for Ry [it was]… I mean I can’t even count the number of sleepovers. And Christmases, Christmas Eve we always spend over – Easter…
JIM I know. They’ll miss their grandma.
Jim makes a small dismissive gesture or sound.
JIM No, I just know. I know how it’s gonna be going forward, and I get it.
ERIC How what’s gonna be? Dad…
JIM Please Eric c’mon. We all know who the draw was. They weren’t coming for me.
JIM Not that it was ever a popularity contest, and I was never bitter – but.
I’m the grump. I’m the one that told them no. To stay out of my shed. Who smokes so it’s hard to spend much time around. Or who if they asked for money would tell them to go out and start pulling weeds. Whereas Sally would just… open her purse.
Nita begins to cry softly.
Let them eat ice cream sandwiches for lunch. Take them to the water park in the summer or the movies, anywhere they wanted to go. If it was in her power, if she had a nickel left in her pocket…
JIM And why shouldn’t she? Those kids don’t deserve it? Of course they do. And grandparents are supposed to spoil their grandkids anyway. That’s the rule at least. But it never came natural to me. Even something simple like a hug. If you notice me I always shake the boys’ hands – a good firm grip. And Kenzie being the only girl it’s one of those quick hip-hug side things. And I let her make the first move.
You really think they’re gonna wanna keep coming around for that?
They’ll miss their grandma. That’s the end of it.
Glenn absentmindedly hits his turn signal.
GLENN Sorry. Sorry. Accident.
He slaps the turn signal off again.
Margaret looks over at Glenn, driving very carefully now.
Ry is staring out the window at the passing countryside. Beth glances at him in the rearview.
MARGARET (removing her glasses) So how’s school going?
BETH So how’s school going, Ry?
RY School? Yeah. Pretty good, I guess.
BETH Keeping you busy are they?
MARGARET Because I never really see you doing homework that’s all.
BETH Is there a lot of reading?
RY Yeah, that’s primarily what the courcework uhh, consists of mainly.
MARGARET I mean they must still give out homework, even at the community college level don’t they?
GLENN They do, they – yeah. It’s just a lot of it is online.
BETH Well you should warn your cousin so she gets better in the habit.
Did you hear that, Kenzie?
KENZIE Mom I read all the time. I just do it after you go to bed so you don’t know.
GLENN And the hours at the parlor with everything going on there’s never time between things so I have to catch up… catch up at night. You – you’re usually asleep by then.
MARGARET Oh so that’s the reason. Convenient.
MARGARET But it doesn’t explain why you never tell me your grades either.
GLENN Well… because they’re not really where I want ‘em to be.
MARGARET Are we talking C’s? D’s?
MARGARET But you’re not failing. (?)
MARGARET Because you know what I think. I thought you shoulda quit after getting your GED.
MARGARET Not that I don’t get why that was important – it meant something, a status thing. But you have a job. A good job. You have a whole business one day if you can prove yourself capable of running it – take over for me.
MARGARET I know what your father wanted. We argued about it. He wanted you to continue with school, eventually even transfer to a four-year. And it was his money, so…
But is that really realistic?
I mean wouldn’t it be so much less of a hassle not having to worry?
No response. Putting her reading glasses back on
Anyway, food for thought.
Margaret is business-like again. Glenn nodding vaguely
GLENN (barely audible) Mm-hmm.
Doug has fallen asleep and snores because of his stuffy nose.
KENZIE I read. I read all the time.
BETH I know sweetie, I never meant to imply you didn’t.
KENZIE I just finished the whole Divergent series. And I read the Hunger Games and all the Harry Potters.
I just don’t like doing the reading for school sometimes because of the books they make us read. They’re boring. Like Huckleberry Finn.
RY You didn’t like Huckleberry Finn?
KENZIE Everything’s about the stupid “river, the river”.
And did you know that’s not even his real name? It’s a pen name.
It takes Ry a second to put that together.
KENZIE Yeah. It’s like a boat measurement they use, the depth of the water.
Doesn’t make sense. Why would somebody go to all that work of writing a book then not put their real name on it? Wouldn’t they want people to know it’s them?
Nita sniffs. Stops crying.
PAMMY I know Mom, it’s ok.
Beat. Then Nita has a realization.
NITA Oh God Pammy, I just thought of it. Is it going to be so awful one day when I’m gone? Are you gonna hate me?
Pammy gives her a confused look.
Because you don’t have any brothers or sisters. Not that we didn’t try, we wanted another but luck wasn’t…
But once I’m gone you’ll be all alone and that kills me. It does.
PAMMY I don’t know. I never thought of it.
NITA At least Eric and Beth, and Andy, you know, they’ll have each other for support. When Jim passes. Knock on wood.
PAMMY Yeah that’s… it’s gotta be a comfort.
NITA More reason for you to find someone.
And I don’t care. If it’s another woman, fine. Be a lesbian. Just don’t end up alone.
So, do you… Are there any prospects? Anything on the horizon?
No response. Pammy doesn’t make eye contact.
John whistles quietly to himself, staring out the window. Bailey texting.
ELLEN She was a real class act wasn’t she?
WADE Oh – you mean Sally. Yeah. Yeah she was.
ELLEN So dear. Loved those grandkids of hers to pieces. Spoiled em rotten.
(To Bailey) Well it’s what we grandmas do best – what we’re known best for, isn’t it?
And – ohhhh. Remember the summers we’d spend up at Twin Lakes, the six of us? John, you and Celia’s cabin?
WADE (to John) Some of the best fishing of my life, buddy. Take the boat out on the lake and just troll. Rake in those rainbow trout.
BAILEY Cabin? What cabin?
JOHN Oh I sold it years ago, cookie. Years.
BAILEY That’s too bad. Sounds fun.
ELLEN It was, it was. The boys would spend all day out on the lake, drinking, you know telling dirty jokes –
WADE Now Ellen you know that’s not true. We kept it mostly clean, Bailey –
ELLEN - telling their little jokes at any rate; while us girls, we’d spend it sunbathing, try and get a tan –
WADE Try to not burn is more like it.
ELLEN (ignoring him) While it away, gossiping. Not that we had anything much to gossip about. And if the mood struck us, whip up a batch of margaritas to cool off.
WADE Like you needed an excuse.
ELLEN (continuing) Mind you this is back before any of us had kids –
WADE Those girls were much worse than us if you want to know the truth. At least what we wasted our time on we were providing dinner.
ELLEN And who made that dinner?
Anyway, I miss it, I really do those days. The craziest thing Wade and I do now is take the bus up to the casino every couple months with the rest of the old fogies. And I never found losing money too exciting, though he seems perfectly happy. (meaning Wade) And the buffet’s nice.
BAILEY Have you guys ever done Vegas?
ELLEN No. But we’ve been all around Reno, Lake Tahoe, that area. And Lincoln City on the Oregon coast?
Bailey indicates a familiarity whether she’s heard of Lincoln City or not.
In #4 the mood is still tense. Clay pauses the game on his phone. Looks up. He looks from family member to family member.
CLAY So what are we doing after?
CLAY After they bury her or whatever, yeah – Grandma.
KELLY Well she’s not being buried. She’s being interred.
KELLY Uhm. It’s when they put your body in a mausoleum.
She sees that Clay does not know what a mausoleum is.
In a building on the cemetery grounds – but not in the ground.
KELLY It was her choice. Your grandpa will be interred there too when he passes. Right next to her. So you see it’s not that weird compared to a normal grave. Or burial I mean.
Clay thinks for a moment, remembering.
CLAY But Grandpa told me one time he wanted to be cremated.
CLAY That’s where they burn you, right? And just your ashes left? Because that’s what he said he wanted.
KELLY When did he tell you this?
CLAY I don’t know. Sometime.
KELLY Well then he must have changed his mind, or he was joking, because he’s going to be interred with Grandma Sally – or next to at any rate.
(To Andy) He hasn’t told you different has he?
CLAY I was just wondering, do you know what you and dad want to do?
CLAY Yeah. Do you guys have like a will ready to go and stuff?
KELLY Well… no, not exactly…
KELLY Because… (glances at Andy) I guess we haven’t crossed that bridge yet.
CLAY But are you leaning more towards getting cremated like Grandpa –
KELLY For the last time your grandfather is not being cremated –
CLAY (overlap) – or… sorry – or doing the above ground, moss-oleum thing?
CARTER You could also be shot into space or buried at sea.
Beat. Clay looks at Carter.
CARTER (nonchalant) Your ashes anyway.
Clay is floored. Back to his parents:
CLAY OK that’s what I want.
Wade is tapping out a beat on the steering wheel.
JOHN Headed back to Jim’s after this aren’t we?
JOHN Gonna be something to eat, right?
WADE From what I understand, they got the whole thing catered.
ELLEN Mindy said a pasta bar.
ELLEN Yeah, you hungry John?
That’s good. Keep up your appetite.
BAILEY Oh he eats all the time.
With a snort, Doug wakes up.
DOUG Mmmmmmm’re we there?
DOUG (to Ry) Head cold. Can’t shake it. It’s been over a week.
BETH I told you you should have gone in to see Doctor Keith –
DOUG Why? If it’s just a cold…
BETH (over) I mean how many bottles of Dayquil have you gone through already?
KENZIE Dad can’t swallow pills.
DOUG I’m just not good at it. It’s psychological – a psychological thing. I think I’m gonna choke.
KENZIE You need to relax Dad.
RY Yeah sometimes I have a hard time too. Taking pills.
DOUG It’s a mental thing.
BETH The doctor prescribed him an antibiotic once and he had to ask for it in a suspension.
RY That sucks. I’m sorry.
DOUG I just don’t know why they can’t make them taste good is all. Like Dayquil, Nyquil. I mean does it have to taste like black licorice of all things? Add some more chemicals, whatever you have to do I don’t care, whatever so it doesn’t taste so bad.
(To Ry) Black licorice, am I right?
Doug looks at Beth as if making a point.
DOUG See what I told you? Gross.
Jim has been lost in thought. He turns to Eric and Mindy now.
JIM Hey I don’t think I ever thanked you guys for taking care of so much of the planning for this. The food and everything.
ERIC It was no problem Dad.
JIM And that’s all set up?
MINDY Back at the house yeah. The caterers, they should be setting up as we speak.
MINDY Oh. Meryl volunteered to let them in.
MINDY To stay behind – or to go back right after the service. She said she didn’t mind, she said it was ok she could help.
She’s a good one to have as a neighbor. You’re lucky.
He chuckles quietly. Mindy looks at Eric.
JIM Years. Twenty, thirty years...
MINDY But I thought they always seemed like such good friends.
JIM Well they’d play nice in front of other people because what else are you going to do? You don’t make a scene, you don’t make a big thing out of it. Especially when you gotta live next to someone your whole life.
ERIC What about you and Ed?
JIM Got along fine. Not chummy but could share a beer. No, it was the women who had the problem.
MINDY Did something happen?
Well you know how your mother would dote on those fucking rose bushes all the time. Her pride and joy – (Sorry, Mindy) and rightfully so. Pruning and getting just the right fertilizer for it. How she’d pack them before winter, dress ‘em, the care she’d take. But bugs were always a concern. Now she’d tried a buncha different pesticides, even mixing a few of her own – homemade, you know, poison free, organic – to varying success. Then Meryl comes along with a spray she swears does the trick – “saved her azaleas last year”, all that. So Sally she goes along, takes the advice, believing her, grateful. Well no reason not to at this point, they were friends, if only neighborly. But I swear to God those roses of hers dried up in a week – like the life was choked out of ‘em. Sally thought it was a mistake at first; they weren’t getting enough water and so on. Then she remembered the previous year, how Meryl’s tulips had shriveled up just the same. Just the same.
Jim lets that sink in with them.
MINDY So you’re saying it – that Meryl sabotaged her?
JIM Was the conclusion Sally came to yes. And true or not, nothing was ever the same between ‘em.
JIM And you know your mom, normally she was “forgive and forget”. Didn’t hold grudges easy. But with this and Meryl you better believe she made an exception.
MINDY Wow. No idea. That just seems so out of character for her.
JIM It was and it wasn’t. Sally had buttons the same as the rest of us, and when they got pushed – watch out.
(To Eric) You kids were probably her biggest one – number one trigger for Mama Bear to come out of hibernation. Heck, she’d defend you even when she knew for a fact you were in the wrong. Like when Andy put his fist through that school window, remember? In the meeting with the principal: (Imitating Sally’s voice) “Well where was the teacher while all this was happening? Who was sposed to be supervising them at the time?” Fast as you can Sally turned it around on the teacher and by extension the school for leaving the kids unattended. They were lucky we weren’t suing; Andy could have cut his arm off, punctured an artery, anything.
“We should just be grateful no one got hurt and leave it at that.”
She was something, I’m telling you.
Jim marvels at the memory. Then he frowns.
Nice of her to help out though.
JIM Meryl. She didn’t have to do that.
Margaret is making a note or checking a box on her clipboard. She glances up briefly.
MARGARET Exit’s coming up. You don’t want to miss it.
GLENN I’m following the cop.
GLENN So how could I miss the exit when I’m following the cop? Unless I just wasn’t paying attention?
MARGARET Attention Deficit Disorder. Your dad told me you were diagnosed as a kid –
MARGARET That you were on medication for it, Ritalin or one of those.
MARGARET And all I’m saying is have you thought about getting retested?
Beat. Glenn trying not to glare at Margaret. Then he returns his focus to the road. Hits the right turn signal with probably more force than necessary.
Sirens. One by one, the drivers hit their turn signals and take the off ramp.
You ever miss living over in the valley?
BETH Not that it really matters now that you’re in college.
BETH Though maybe you would have ended up at WSU and not U-dub. Been a Cougar not a Huskie.
KENZIE Do you ever go to any games?
BETH What about joining a fraternity? You’re living in the dorms now, right? Have you given it any thought?
RY Well I might get an apartment with my roommate next year –
BETH Living off campus? Your parents are ok with that even though you’ll only be a sophomore?
RY Yeah. I mean we’re talking about it…
BETH I’d just worry about drugs. Pot is so easy to get now that it’s legal – for underage.
RY Ummm. Well I have some friends, I know some people that do it.
KENZIE Mom you’re totally interrogating him. Stop.
BETH It’s an honest question. I need to know whether to lock you up or not when you turn eighteen.
This line has the effect of breaking the tension. There’s laughter and Ry breathes easier.
KENZIE (to Ry) Can I ask you a question if you don’t mind. Do you want to be a writer when you grow up?
KENZIE What do you like to write?
KENZIE How do you even do that, write a play?
RY Well, they’re mostly dialogue.
How do you know what to have them say though?
RY It… just comes naturally I guess.
BETH That’s amazing, Ry, to have that kind of imagination. I think if I wrote a story or a play I’d have the main character walk into a room, say Hello, and then there would just be silence.
KENZIE You should write a movie.
Nita looks out the window and points to something.
NITA See where they closed that K-Mart finally? But they didn’t replace it with anything. You can still make out the letters from where they took down the sign. Like a ghost.
Pammy, I know I joke but I do want to see you settled down with somebody. It would make me happy.
PAMMY Not like I’m not trying.
NITA I know. But it’s this women thing I think’s at the root of the problem.
NITA Let me finish Pammy, please. If I can make my point –
Pammy huffs but says no more. Pause.
Now I’m not ready to dismiss it altogether, out of hand. I know you have certain leanings, and to deny that would be to say your feelings weren’t real, or true. Of course they’re real. At the end of the day I want to see you with someone, doesn’t matter who. As long as you’re taken care of.
But it hasn’t happened. I mean it hasn’t for you and another woman in a relationship, you haven’t been able to make it last. And I think you should look at that. And perhaps you’re barking up the wrong tree.
Pammy wants to close her eyes and shut out the world, but she’s driving.
You know I, I try to picture myself doing it. Being with a woman ‘stead of a man. Physically, you know? And what I can’t get over is how it would be like kissing your best friend. And wouldn’t that be weird.
PAMMY It’s not. It’s neither of those things.
NITA Oh…? See now that’s fascinating to me. So you’re saying – for you you’re saying – it’s just like kissing anybody else. A man I mean.
PAMMY No that’s not what I’m “saying”. It’s not like kissing a man, because when I kiss a man, Mom – when I touch a man there’s just nothing. The few times I have, it’s like the opposite of having a reaction. Everything, the sparks, the whatever, that you’re supposed to feel, chemistry, clicking – there is none.
And I’m not gonna be hypocritical here and say whenever I kiss a woman all those bells and whistles that are meant to go off, go off, because no. Because in fact it’s quite rare. I don’t know, maybe I’m too particular and that’s my fault, a million reasons. But this idea that there’s someone for everyone, or even that you should settle just so not to be alone – I can’t. I won’t.
So if she does come along one day, fine. I’m not holding my breath; I don’t really put myself out there in any kind of way and…
But you pressuring me either isn’t helping.
Sirens as the procession moves through an intersection. A random car honks.
KELLY Did you hear that? Someone just honked.
KELLY Well, pardon my French, but what an asshole.
Andy smiles. Clay laughs.
CLAY Mom, you can’t say that!
KELLY Well guess what, I just did! I mean he should have more respect! People should.
KELLY Oh yeah, I’m sure it’s so important.
CARTER Hey do you want to hear a joke?
Kelly looks at Andy, who shrugs but says nothing.
KELLY If it’s appropriate.
A guy walks into a doctor’s office. And he’s got this duck stuck to his head – on top of his head. So the doctor walks in and says what’s going on, what’s the problem? And the duck says, “Yeah, can you get this guy off my ass?!!”
Kelly bursts out laughing. Andy cracks a smile, chuckles. Clay laughs in a way where you know he didn’t fully understand the joke but found it funny because of the bad language.
Carter is buoyed by their response.
A guy dressed like a pirate walks into a bar. He’s got a pirate hat and wood leg and a parrot, the whole thing. But he’s also got this steering wheel attached to his crotch. He sits down and orders a beer. Now everyone is just staring at him. And some time goes by and finally the bartender walks over and says, “Hey buddy, I don’t mean to bother you or anything but what’s with the steering wheel attached to your crotch?” And the pirate says (In a pirate voice) “Arrr, it drives me nuts!!”
More laughter. Kelly wipes tears from her eyes she’s laughing so hard.
KELLY Oh my God! Did you make that up, Carter?
CARTER No, I heard them somewhere. But they’re my favorite jokes.
KELLY Well, you’re very good at telling them.
ANDY He’s always been funny.
KELLY I just think it’s nice to have something to lift your spirits on a day like this. Even if it is stupid.
KELLY Oh no I didn’t mean that as a slight or anything… Sweetie, you know that, right?
She looks at her son, Carter smiling but impenetrable:
Bailey’s phone chirps a new text message. She types a response back.
ELLEN Spend a lot of time on your phone, do you?
Bailey smile-nods. Another text comes through and she doesn’t miss a beat responding to it.
How it is now. How people your age “stay connected” as they say. So many more friends. No other way to keep up.
You don’t go in for all that, do you John?
BAILEY Are you kidding? He doesn’t even have a cell phone. But sometimes I’ll tweet out the stuff he says because it’s just too funny. Like my followers are in love with him. And on Instagram.
ELLEN That’s the picture one, right?
BAILEY Um, you may be thinking of Snapchat.
ELLEN You know, my grandson Jake tried to sign me up for that Facebook once, and he said I would need a photo to put on there and I was like, “You want to put my picture on the internet?? So just anyone can look me up??”
WADE She’s making a bigger thing of it than it is, like we’re completely out of touch, from the stone age. We use our phones all the time.
ELLEN But for normal calling purposes. Not for all that texting stuff. And we still have our landline.
BAILEY Yeah, John made us keep ours too. I told him it wasn’t necessary anymore but he said –
No, John, you tell them what you said.
BAILEY What you said when I suggested getting rid the landline.
BAILEY The phone at the house.
(To Wade) She wanted to call the phone company and cancel our service altogether, do you believe that?
BAILEY No, but tell them the reason you gave.
BAILEY For not wanting to cancel it, John. Oh my God, are you serious or are you just fucking with me right now?
John frowns. Ellen shows concern.
Yeah, I told her… I remember… told her if people called and got a message, you know, “this number has been disconnected”, something like that… well… (With a rueful chuckle) They might think I’d been disconnected too.
BAILEY Which is ridiculous!! Right??!
(To Ellen) I mean that anyone would believe he actually died –??
Even Wade looks uncomfortable now.
BAILEY (to John) See I told you, sillyhead –
ELLEN Only I wouldn’t go that far.
Bailey stops. Looks at Ellen.
Well, let’s face it, John’s getting up there.
(To John) No offense, big guy.
ELLEN We all are. Each of us. And it’s bad enough a day like today to have that kind of reminder. It’s like you get to be a certain age it’s all you ever hear. No escaping it.
So it’s a sensitive subject.
And maybe your difference in years between you makes that harder to relate. I don’t know. If it does then OK. But just know, we try to have a sense of humor about it, about…. and do most of the time. But there’s also a line.
I’m sorry, sweetie. That didn’t mean to come off as such an attack.
BAILEY No. No. Honesty’s good.
Doug goes into a brief sneezing fit. He does not cover his nose.
BETH God, Doug. Please. If you’re gonna do that into your sleeve.
DOUG But I don’t want to get – (Sneezes) get it on my suit.
BETH So it’s better to get snot all over the dashboard?
He shrugs. Then sneezes again.
Sirens. Glenn reacts by slowing down. He hits his left blinker. Then makes a slow left turn.
Other drivers slow down and make the left turn.
ERIC Here we go. Home stretch.
MINDY I always forget how beautiful the country is out here. In the spring, the orchards? One of the things I miss most.
ERIC You didn’t have to work in them.
JIM Good summer job. Don’t complain.
ERIC I’m not. Just you never made Beth or Eric work in the summer, so…
JIM Is that what I did, make you?
ERIC Well, if I wanted any spending money –
JIM You know Tom Hall was doing me a favor, he didn’t have to take you on, there is cheaper labor out there –
JIM (to Mindy) Would think he’d be grateful a few extra bucks in his pocket, but all I ever heard was complaints.
JIM “Oh it’s so hard, the days are sooo long” whining –
JIM And you only worked that one summer anyway. Not like you were a migrant nothing else to fall back on. Just quit.
Jim glances over at Eric.
What, the defense rests all of a sudden?
Mindy watches her husband, silent.
Because you know I’m right.
Doug has nodded off again.
BETH Kenzie? Try and remind me if you can your dad’s due for another round of Keflex when we get back to Grandpa’s, ok?
KENZIE That’s the pink stuff in the fridge?
RY I think we had to give that to our cat once.
RY We did. She got out. Ran away.
KENZIE That sucks. What was her name?
BETH Was she indoor only, Ry?
BETH That makes sense. Was she always trying to get out?
RY Uhh, no. My dad – he was bringing in groceries apparently and left the door open. I don’t know, I was at school.
BETH Oh, so this was just recently.
Grandma was already in the hospital.
KENZIE What does that have to do with anything?
Kenzie looks at Ry. Then to her mom.
KENZIE Ok what, I’m confused.
Margaret is staring at her clipboard. Glenn clears his throat.
GLENN Here. We’re here. The officer’s pulling off.
He gives a small wave of thanks to the motorcycle cop as they drive past.
MARGARET Made pretty good time.
The cars decelerate as they start down the gravel road which winds circuitously through the cemetery.
NITA So many. You think they’d run out of room.
But it kind makes me sad, that they don’t do ‘em upright anymore. The gravestones. You lose the whole look.
NITA See I don’t get that concern. So what if it takes longer to do some landscaping? Is that really important? Is convenience?
NITA We should honor their final wishes, whatever they are.
NITA My will is very specific. I took you through it.
NITA Wish I could leave you more financially-speaking. I didn’t plan too well in that event.
NITA I’m sorry Pammy. But if you can, try to wait to blame me for everything until after I’m gone.
