[perksofbeingaborderline]

i feel so anxious and disgusted in my body lately.

i recently lost a pretty significant amount of weight relatively quickly. and then it stopped. covid let up a bit and we started getting more takeout. kinda maintaining but also at a point where I’m afraid to step on a scale. feel like I mostly exercise as a fear tactic. feeling lots of pressure to maintain/lose more based on upcoming life events.

I feel so desperate about food. I think about food all the time. the only time I feel good? when I’m eating.

I ate way too much today. i also walked almost 7 miles, but my brain really likes to gloss over that. it’s been so demoralizing because yes my body has changed sizes but lately I’ve been ordering clothes for some upcoming life events and surprise surprise, nothing is fitting and I still look in the mirror and hate myself.

i feel like I live in a constant state of obsession and panic and I just want to scream.

(I’m sorry if I omitted or used the wrong tags; I’ve never talked about this before on here but it’s playing a bigger role in my mentality lately.)

[euneirophrenic]

"I'm so glad you're not one of those weird obsessive people"

Me: *has bpd*

[perksofbeingaborderline]

probably a hot take but sometimes I get nostalgic about old relationships and then I go through my google drive when I have ✨documents upon documents✨ from back in the day™️ raging about instances from said relationships. a great way to get a healthy dose of reality and be like “oh yeah, never mind.” nostalgia is a LIAR and nothing more

[perksofbeingaborderline]

remember, the holiday is just that - just a day. deep breaths, be skillful, be strong❤️

[anxietyproblem]

[perksofbeingaborderline]

hey besties, who’s in the mood to torch some relationships!

[perksofbeingaborderline]

it seems so silly to have gone through all of the dbt and therapy and all of it just to be deemed as “manipulative” when I was communicating the facts.

apparently no matter how much progress I make, I can’t outrun the previous perceptions of me!

[perksofbeingaborderline]

picked up “mindfulness for borderline personality disorder” again and damn do I have bpd 🙃

recommend this book - the language is validating as all get out

[perksofbeingaborderline]

I feel like I can’t outrun my past, no matter how fast or far I run. Maybe I’m doing the wrong thing with my life? I don’t know. Some days I’m so proud of my progress and other days I check my email and feel like I can’t get to a place of success. I want to give up. I feel like I put myself through the wringer, and for what? I’m tired of the ghosts in my brain, popping out at the strangest of times. Wanting to give in to the giving up.

[chasing-perfection26-deactivate]

Life with bpd: I perceive rejection from someone when absolutely nothing they did shows they rejected me, I then get depressed and hate myself because I know I’m overreacting but can’t stop, and then I wanna kms. Cycle repeats itself another 10 times that day.

[perksofbeingaborderline]

today was a difficult day. life has changed so much yet simultaneously hasn’t changed enough.

[freedomandkindness]

me right now, feeling like shit again

[perksofbeingaborderline]

“i can go anywhere i want, just not home” really hits differently when you’re constantly wanting to “go home” but not even sure where home “is” anymore

[perksofbeingaborderline]

eternally oscillating between “i suck”, “i’m a failure”, “i’ve actually come really far considering!”, “nope i’m definitely a failure”, and “do i even exist”

[perksofbeingaborderline]

how much does it cost to not be so disgustingly oversensitive

[perksofbeingaborderline]

searing hot take: I am SICK of bpdeople* doing dbt for like ten seconds and then acting holier-than-thou. ok, sure, you found it profound and helpful, congrats, HOWEVER you have zero right to be condescending toward other bpdeople. obviously we are in different places in our journeys. share the enlightenment in context of yourself. your progress does not give you a right to judge people!!!!!!!!!** thank you for coming to my ted talk.

*bpdeople=bpd people (you heard it here first kids!!!!!!)

**additionally, this applies to a lot of life facets where people get in the honeymoon phase with something and then throw stones at glass houses.

[perksofbeingaborderline]

how strange, to feel so big yet so small all at once