The Green Lantern Crops is an intergalactic police force armed with rings powered by the will of the universe. It seems like maybe they need another corps specifically for making prisons though, as their most dangerous enemy, Parallax, breaks free from his bounds after sucking yellow skeleton ghosts or something out of three aliens who fell in to his prison cave. He starts eating up planets, like you do, and kills a few members of the Green Lantern Corps, including Abin Sur, the space cop who put him away the first time around. After crashing to Earth, Abin Sur’s ring recruits cocky pilot Hal Jordan (Ryan Reynolds) to become the next member of the force.
Hal learns about his new powers on the planet Oa, home of the Green Lantern Corps, and gets a history lesson and tour, including a trip to the core of the Corps’ power (because that’s not confusing at all). While there, evil-looking-but-really-a-good-guy Sinestro (Mark Strong) give Hal a bunch of shit for being human, for no particular reason at all.
Back on earth, Hector Hammond (Peter Sarsgaard), a high school biology teacher, is allowed to check out Abin Sur’s corpse because his daddy is a Senator, and he gets some yellow goo on his finger that gives him telepathy, telekinesis, and a terrible makeover. He attempts patricide as revenge for his father hooking him up with a sweet government gig, but Hal Jordan, back on Earth, saves the day in his first public outing as the Green Lantern.
On Oa (again) the masters of the Green Lanterns, the Guardians (of the Galaxy?) reveal to Sinestro that Parallax was once a Guardian who tried to harness the evil yellow power of fear for... some reason. This turned Parallax evil because... of some reason. So Sinestro decides they need to harness the evil yellow power of fear to beat him because... how could that go wrong?
Hal, as the Green Lantern, tries to woo his ex-girlfriend/boss Carol Ferris (Blake Lively), but she totally sees through his bullshit. Her pointing out how stupid the thought that hiding his cheekbones would prevent him from recognizing her was probably the best part of the movie. It’s hard for me to say for sure, because I totally stopped paying attention after that.
Hector tries to kill his dad again, Hal shows up for some reason and tries to stop him, but completely fails. Then he flies back to Oa to... ask the Guardians to let him go back to Earth... where he just was? But he also talks about how great humans are, and changes everyones mind about using the Yellow ring Sinestro had made. Back on Earth Hector has kidnapped Carol (which was presumably easy since Hal flew all the way to Oa just so he could ask to go back to Earth), and Hal beats him up right before Parallax (who is a giant cloud with Octopus arms and a 20 foot tall face at this point) shows up to start trying to destroy Earth. Hal gets him to follow him to the Sun, and then punches him in his 20 foot face with a 20 foot fist, causing him to fall in to the sun.
I’d heard this movie was terrible, but I really wanted to enjoy it, and I kind of did? The visuals were okay, especially seeing Oa, but the characters all felt flat, except for Hal Jordan, who just seemed like a douche. Worse, the plot was ridiculous, and felt completely disjointed throughout, and both of the villains, Hector Hammond and Parallax, made me wish that Sinestro would just go ahead and be evil already.
(Also, holy crap, this screenplay had 4 different writers!)
4/100