All fics on this list are based off of this phanart.
Links Last Checked: January 16th, 2023
3am Shadows - space-and-memes
Summary: Phil meets Dan in what were supposed to be the last moments of his life.
Don’t Go - lilyevans-obliviate
Summary: After asking Phil to move out, Dan is a horrible mess
Hold Me - whatthefuckmackenzie
Summary: Phil is getting married and Dan couldn’t be happier for him.
Home - phandanphil12
Summary:Dan couldn’t sleep. Again.
Sunbeams and Goodbyes - oopsiwrotesomethings
Summary: It’s been three months that they’ve been dating, and even though it’s not perfect, Dan can’t bear the fact than in a few hours it will all be over.
Tour to Farewell - llestering
Summary: I want to say hello to you; every morning , every night , everyday; but I refuse to say goodbye in any way.
Welcome Home - darling-phil
Summary: Phil finally returns home after two weeks away and Dan couldn’t be happier. Usually he copes just fine, but sometimes the lonely thoughts prospered.
A/N: Hello! This is my entry for the little prompt thing that @phanfictioncatalogue is doing. This one shot is based off of this post. (x)
Enjoy! I will be reblogging this post on my other account, @mockingpanems
Dan couldn’t sleep.
Again.
He found himself staring up at the ceiling of his bedroom, the familiar black and white comforter wrapped around his body. He glanced at the clock for the thousandth time that minute. Yep. Sure enough, his alarm clock still read 12:56 AM. He sighed and let his head collapse back onto the pillow. If only Phil was here. He had gone away to see his family again, and this was the third night of insomnia that Dan had to put up with in his absence. For the first night alone, Dan had mindlessly put himself to sleep by watching Youtube until 4 AM and getting drowsy enough to fall asleep as soon as his head hit his pillow. The second night had not been as easy. By that time, Dan was getting serious withdrawal symptoms. He missed Phil’s hugs, his neck kisses, his smile… the list could go on.
Who am I kidding? Dan thought. I miss everything about him.
Dan always seemed to forget just how big of a part Phil was in his life. Without him, Dan probably would be a miserable lawyer with no purpose or goals for his life. At least, that’s what he thinks he would’ve been. Phil had taught him his purpose, to have patience and to be patient with the world. He was kind, gentle, adorable and sweet. Oh, and the looks helped too. His baby blue eyes were mesmerizing, and one of the striking features about Phil that made Dan fall for him. One of the many features, that is. He and Phil had been dating officially for just under a year, but he always sensed that something was there between them ever since they knew each other.
Dan is suddenly snapped out of his trance by the sound of Big Ben in the distance striking one. He has no idea why that out of all things in the London streets brought him back to reality, but he suddenly comes to a realization that he hadn’t known before.
He needs Phil.
He doesn’t just want Phil to be sleeping beside him in one of the two bedrooms they switch between. He needs Phil like oxygen, and he’s suddenly forgotten how to breathe.
Dan bolted out of his bed, searching the floor for the clothing he had lazily kicked off mere hours ago. Throughout the day, he had been wearing a loose black sweatshirt and the same jeans he seems to wear every day. Although he owns quite a lot of dark clothing, and he still hasn’t bothered to switch on the lights, he finds the clothes soon enough. Once he finally does switch on the light after he’s dressed, Dan grabs a small backpack out of his closet, and starts filling it with random belongings. He doesn’t even know what he’s putting in the bag; all he knows is he has some clothes to wear in case getting to Phil takes more than a few hours. Just for the heck of it, he runs into his kitchen and grabs a few snacks for the road. He knows he can get grumpy when he’s hungry, and he’d hate to be grumpy around Phil at this time. He runs through a checklist in his mind. Already have a toothbrush in the bag because I travel with it. Snacks? Check. Phone? Check. Jacket? Okay now you’re going crazy, Dan. It’s June. You’re officially mental.
He decides that he’s ready, and whatever he didn’t bring he can just borrow from his boyfriend. With one more brush of his hair with his fingers and a long sip of water from his water bottle, Dan decides to head for the door. He goes down the steps faster than he’s ever done before, with just the sheer thought of hearing Phil’s laugh and seeing his smile sending adrenaline coursing through his veins.
Dan reaches for the doorknob, saying a mental goodbye to their apartment.
He’s shocked to find that when he opens the door, his hazel eyes are met with baby blue ones.
“Dan.”
He’s lost the ability to speak as he’s met with Phil, wearing the same blue shirt with white sleeves that he saw in their Skype call this morning. Dan lets the backpack that’s resting on his shoulders to fall to the ground, and he wraps Phil in a tight hug. Phil responds with the same pressure, and the two boys are standing in their doorway, unable to comprehend what’s just happened.
“Dan. I’m so sorry I left you.” Phil whispers, barely audible under the sound of his voice breaking. “You felt it too, didn’t you?” Dan replies, closing his eyes and sinking his head into his boyfriend’s shoulder. Phil took a while to respond as he gently rubbed Dan’s back up and down. “I was with my family, but I still felt alone. I couldn’t sleep. I was barely smiling around them, and even my mother noticed. I need you, Dan.” Dan felt tears starting to build up at the corners of his eyes. It wasn’t tears of sadness, he decided, but rather tears of relief. The tears became visible to him as he opened his eyes, but another wave of relief washed over him after he noticed that Phil’s bags were behind him. He was here to stay. “It used to be so mindless. I used to be able to go down and see my family and not think too much about it. But ever since…” Phil’s voice trailed off, but Dan knew exactly what he was thinking about. He was thinking about that night, ten months ago, where the sexual tension had become too much to contain. He and Phil had spent their first night together romantically, and it had been the most rewarding experience of their entire relationship. “Ever since that night I haven’t been able to leave you. Maybe that’s a sign that that night was always meant to happen.” Dan lifted his head off of Phil’s shoulder, releasing Phil from the hug and looking at him, the remaining wetness in his eyes making them sparkle from the lights in the hall.
“I’m so glad you came home. I love you, Phil Lester.”
Suddenly, fear swept over Dan’s mind. They had done all of the things that he believed couples are meant to do together: kiss, make out, and have sex. But it had never occurred to Dan that they had never said “I love you” to each other, the three most important words in a romantic and sexual relationship. Dan had prepared to say it when they were out in the city somewhere special, as cheesy as it sounded. Now, though, it had just come out of his mouth unexpectedly. He braced himself for the worst possible reaction from Phil, but he’s overwhelmed with relief when Phil grins at him and responds.
“I love you too, Dan Howell.”
They both laugh, another sign of excitement and relief. Phil takes Dan’s face in his hands and kisses him, sending chills through Dan’s body. They embrace each other again, and after breaking away, Phil grabs Dan by the shoulders. “Dan?” “Hmm?” “Let’s agree to never be separated ever again.” Dan laughs, this time with the usual loud energy that comes from his laughter. “Agreed.” Dan gives him another peck on the lips before helping his boyfriend bring in his bags.
“Phil?”
“Hmm?”
“I’m actually kind of glad that you came across me at the doorway to our apartment because I just realized something.”
“What?”
“I forgot my hair straightener.”
Phil laughs and sighs. “Dan, your Hobbit hair is adorable. You shouldn’t be so cruel to it.”
Dan doesn’t say anything as he puts all of his belongings back into his drawers. Phil sneaks up behind him and wraps his arms around his torso. “I think it’s adorable. Just like every other part of you.” He whispers, giving him a kiss on the neck. Chills always seem to run up Dan’s spine whenever Phil gets this close to him, and Phil never fails to notice when his boyfriend’s breaths get a bit uneven. “You know, I didn’t travel all the way from Manchester at midnight just for you to go to sleep, Dan.” Dan grinned and turned to face Phil, kissing him passionately. It wasn’t long before the curtains were drawn and they were falling into their usual rhythm.
Once Dan’s room had gone dark again and Phil was sleeping beside him, Dan let out a contained sigh of relief. He felt the warmth of Phil’s body pressed against his and the gentle, almost silent snores emanating from his lips. As he drifted off into a well-deserved slumber, he decided that London was not his home. The man who was sleeping beside him, Phil Lester, he was Dan’s home. One final thought entered his mind before sleep overtook him for the evening.
Title: Missing My Baby
Rating: R
Warnings: Vague thoughts of suicide, light mentions of self-hate, comfort, lots of fluff, little angst, little smut
Summary: Dan should know better than to stay awake until 3 am when Phil wasn’t there, he always got emotional when he was left alone with his thoughts.
A/N: This is my fic for the @phanfictioncatalogue ‘s picture prompts! Here is the link to the picture prompt for this fic and if you want to know the rules of it you can click here!
Dan closed his eyes and leaned his head back on the couch, his laptop was displaying the dimming screen of his Tumblr queue but it could no longer keep his attention. He has tried everything, he tried watching TV but then he realized every show he would watch he wouldn’t want to watch it alone. He tried going for a walk but he ran into some subscribers and he realized how awkward he is when seeing fans by himself. He finally was resorted to going on his laptop but every time he saw a funny joke he would look up only to see an empty apartment and his smile would quickly turn into a frown. The house was so quite when he was alone, every single thing they owned served to remind him on just how lonely he was. He almost felt like he could hear static because of how silent it was around the apartment and his ears were straining to pick up any sort of noise. Dan sighed heavily, closing his laptop and setting it next to him without even opening his eyes because who was he kidding? He wasn’t going to look at it again. He brought a hand up to rub his face for a few moments before finally sitting up, wincing slightly from his back going into a somewhat normal posture for humans and he looked around the dark living room.
Normally Dan would have at least some sort of light on when he was alone, even if he was just alone in the room but he couldn’t be bothered to go and turn one on. He glanced at his phone and his frowned deepened, the traitorous numbers showed him that he had to wait four more hours until Phil was going to be home. He had gone to visit his family and everything should have been fine because Dan was going to do the same, well that was until his mom had to cancel last minute and honestly Dan wasn’t mad at all, he was just lonely. Dan snorted, he was always lonely when he wasn’t with Phil. He could be in a room full of people he knew and still feel lonely if Phil wasn’t by his side. Dan tried to think back to a time when he was able to function like a normal human being on his own, before he seemed to need Phil around to remember to do simple things like drink water or eat. Dan shook his head and roughly ran his fingers through his hair, he would feel pathetic if he didn’t feel so damn lonely. Maybe he should get up and go eat that dinner he had been planning on for…he looked down at his phone… 10 hours now but it was already 3 am so what was the point?
Dan leaned back again and closed his eyes, now he thinks about it he had always felt alone when Phil wasn’t in his life. He had forgotten to eat many times or his mind would spiral into dark thoughts more often then he could count but Phil brightened up the dark parts. Now the future didn’t seem so scary, it wasn’t some looming monster in the dark that was waiting to tug Dan down into the dark depths and crush him under its massive weight. No, now the future seemed to be so much brighter because Phil was right there next to him. Now he was able to look ahead with a smile because he was excited to see what was in store for him and Phil. He actually couldn’t wait until the next crazy thing they decide to do. They have already written a book, gone on tours and have had their own radio show… they have accomplished so much together that now Dan couldn’t think he could be happier. Dan swallowed hard, his mind was slipping into darker territory as he wondered where he would be if he never tried to reach out to Phil. What would have happened if he acted like many other fans and never tried to contact him because he believed Phil wasn’t going to give him the time of day. What if Phil ignored his messages? What if he told him to fuck off and they never became Dan and Phil? Dan felt hollow, his stomach dropping while his chest ached with the fear of what could have went wrong. He felt tears sting his eyes so he quickly closed them, trying to keep them at bay and desperately thinking back to happy moments because there was no sense in thinking these negative thoughts. He already had Phil so why on earth would he bother himself with thoughts of not having Phil?
Dan covered his eyes, tears still threatening to fall but a smile spread across his lips because he remembered the first day him and Phil saw each other in person. They had spent so much time talking over the computer and skype but it was still such a magical moment, finally seeing Phil in person because his crappy laptop didn’t even come close to giving Phil’s eyes justice.
Dan gripped his messenger bag that was haphazardly stuffed with his clothes and toiletries because he couldn’t be bothered to plan what he was shoving into the bag when he was going to meet Phil in real life. He walked off of the train station and his hands were starting to sweat as he looked around at the people walking around him quickly, only glaring at him when he was in their way. What if Phil thought he was boring? What if Phil thought he was ugly in person? Dan wasn’t interesting at all, he had no real skill other than the obscure anime knowledge and his video game skills but even that wasn’t really spectacular. He took a few shaky steps forward and he felt like his heart was in his throat because his nerves were making it hard to breathe. He looked around, nervous that Phil wasn’t going to be there while also being nervous that he was going to be there and his mind was running a mile a minute until his eyes laid on the familiar face a couple feet in front of him. Dan’s eyes widened and his breath hitched when he finally saw Phil in person, he didn’t know what to do. Should he run away? No that was stupid, should he shake his hand? They flirted a lot but that was through the computer with the safety net of many miles between them and Dan wasn’t sure if he was allowed to run into his arms.
Phil finally noticed Dan and such a beautiful smile stretched across his face and Dan’s heart flipped in his chest. He found himself running straight into Phil’s outstretched arms and Phil tightened his hold around Dan and buried his nose into his quickly straightened hair while Dan hid his face into Phil’s shoulder, gripping his shirt in a tight grip.
Phil chucked softly, seeming so calm and collected, “You are so much cuter in person.”
Dan felt his cheeks burn and he just held onto Phil tighter, he couldn’t believe that Phil was right in front of him, Phil was right there with his arms wrapped around Dan and calling him cute. Dan looked up at Phil, his eyes wide and shining with so much emotion while he finally was able to look into Phil’s vibrant eyes. His eyes matched him so well, they were bright blue like the sky on a clear sunny day after a heavy rain. They reflected how patient, how lovely and full of life Phil was and it was more than Dan could have ever dreamt of.
Dan smiled, his eyes watering for a completely different reason now, leave it to Phil to brighten up his thoughts with happy memories even when he wasn’t there. Phil probably didn’t know how important those first words were, it got Dan through so many hardships and it had made young Dan squeal and smile into his pillow. Just remembering that thick northern accent speaking to him with such clarity and calling him cute was enough to bring Dan out of the dark depths of his mind for months later. Although, Phil probably didn’t know that most of the things he said to Dan was held onto with such a tight grip. Dan needed these small things like he needed air, every time Phil said he was cute or said that he loved him filled Dan with so much warmth and he needed these things for when Phil wasn’t physically there to brighten Dan’s world with his presence. Dan smiled softly, he remembers the first time they had properly kissed, it was also the first time Phil told him he loved him, he still looks back on this day with a gentle fondness that would never fail to bring a smile to his face.
Dan curled closer to Phil, happy to be inside of his apartment because every time he was back in that dorm room his future and the inevitability of failure was looming over his head, plaguing his mind like some dark disease. Phil was his cure, he would feel honestly happy when he was here with Phil, the moment the door opened and Dan stepped through into Phil’s arms it was as if all of his worries were left at the door, like every nervous thought was forcibly repealed from his mind. Dan felt like he would never truly understand how Phil was able to calm his troubled soul by just being present because no one else has ever seemed to be able to accomplish this feat and Dan’s soul was quite dark and troubled. He felt that the more Phil peered into his eyes he would see just how dark Dan’s mind is and push him away like everyone else had but Phil seemed to do the exact opposite. Instead he tilted Dan’s head up and gazed into his eyes, a loving smile that reached his bright eyes directed at Dan and only Dan and it was so amazing. Dan could only look up at Phil, feeling much closer to him suddenly even though he was already leaning into him with Phil’s arm wrapped around his waist. However, them just staring into each other’s eyes in the silence of Phil’s apartment with a dim lamp in the corner being their own light source seemed so much more intimate and close than anything else they had experienced before.
“Your eyes are so beautiful.” Phil murmured, almost as if he meant to say it in his head.
Dan gasped softly, how could Phil think that way? Hasn’t he looked into a mirror lately and looked at his beautiful bright blue eyes that was just as beautiful as Phil’s soul was? How could he look into Dan’s dark, boring brown eyes and see something beautiful? It was almost as if he was looking inside of Dan and seeing something that was worth being beautiful and those words resonated so deeply inside of him. Tears instantly sprung to his eyes and Phil’s smile suddenly turned to worry.
“Wait, Dan? What’s wrong? Oh god did I say something wrong?”
Dan couldn’t stop the onslaught of tears, coming even stronger because Phil was always so gentle with him, he was always taking care of him and making him feel like no one else could ever make him. Dan couldn’t even form words, he only shook his head and looked up into Phil’s face of worry but he couldn’t trust his voice. Actions speak louder than words right? Dan leaned forward and gently placed a kiss on Phil’s lips, feeling so many emotions swirling in his stomach but the moment Phil relaxed and melted into the kiss Dan could feel nothing but one emotion, one he was so scared of. Phil reached a hand up to cup Dan’s check while the other tightened around him to kiss him back with such passion it caused Dan’s face to heat up and before he could think better he slipped his tongue out to run across Phil’s bottom lip. Phil was quick to open his mouth to meet Dan’s shy tongue half way the run against it while caressing his cheek and hip bone with such tenderness it was causing Dan to go light headed. He had no idea how long they had been kissing but after what felt like years Phil slowly pulled away to press his forehead against Dan’s. Dan hummed softly, leaning into the gentle touch of fingers against his cheek and slowly opened his eyes to gaze into Phil’s eyes so much closer than they have ever been before. Something shone in his eyes and Dan could only idly notice that there seemed to be little specs of the sun in Phil’s eyes.
“Dan…” Phil seemed to be hesitating and Dan’s eye brows furrowed, feeling anxiety swirling in his stomach but said nothing, waiting for Phil to continue, which he did after a deep breath, “Dan… I’m in love with you.”
Dan’s eyes widened, he couldn’t even care about the fresh batch of tears that filled his eyes but the wide smile made Phil smile back. Dan tackled Phil back on the couch, peppering his face with kisses while Phil giggled softly, resting his hands on Dan’s waist.
“I love you too, god I love you too.” Dan whispered, pressing their foreheads together again and sniffing.
Phil chuckled softly, wiping a tear away and leading Dan down to press a deep kiss to his lips.
Dan could never forget the first time Phil told him that, it was one of the happiest moments in his life and it was the only thing keeping him afloat while he struggled to find himself at university. Every time Dan’s thoughts drifted to the darkest parts, when he stared a little too long at the busy street of cars or out of the tall dorm building, looking down at the ground while he leaned a bit too far out he would remember Phil saying he loved him. He would remember how wonderful it felt to have Phil’s lips on him right after they confessed their love for each other, how they stayed up until neither of them could keep their eyes open repeatedly pressing their lips together. Dan wondered if Phil knew he saved Dan’s life so many times he had lost count. Did Phil know that the little words he said to Dan, the words he probably didn’t even remember saying are exactly what keeps Dan willing to live? Hell it made him excited to continue living. It made him stop looking at the end and start paying more attention to the journey there because it was a trip he got to experience with the best man in the world.
Dan was already here on memory lane so of course he couldn’t help but remember their first fight, their first real fight. It was messy and nasty because Dan was a brat and he was scared of admitting what his heart wanted to the world. He had no right to say all of those things to Phil, he knew that then and he knew that now but that didn’t stop the deep feeling of guilt he probably will never let go off. The deep seeded regret for all of the things he said to the man who saved him and was continuing to save every day. Even though the memory was one of the most painful, it ended in another first that reminded Dan of exactly what he didn’t want to lose.
“You don’t care about me! Not really do you? It is all just a lie, one big fat lie!” Dan screamed, trying to walk away because this fight has been coming for a long time.
Phil furrowed his eye brows, he was yelling and it was a rare sight but it only fueled Dan’s own screams, “What on earth are you talking about Dan? How can me wanting to tell people I love you be not caring about you?”
Dan glared, “Shut up! Shut up! You fucking know I’m not comfortable with it but you don’t care what is comfortable for me do you? You just want to do everything your way and you don’t give two shits about me!”
Phil visibly flinched, never one to keep up an argument but Dan was in the mood, “Dan… Dan please you know that isn’t true.”
“You said you would wait! You said you would wait until I was ready to tell other people but you didn’t mean that did you? You just fucking told me what I wanted to hear so I would shut up!” Dan felt angry tears flood his eyes, he stormed into his room and started to pull out clothes, he didn’t know where he was going but he had to get away for a while.
Phil looked panicked, “Dan, please I’m sorry. God Dan I know I said I would wait and I-I will! It’s just… Dan I- God damn it Dan I just want to know you aren’t ashamed of me! Why are you so reluctant to admit that we are together?!”
Dan felt like he was stabbed, hurt must have been obvious in his eyes because Phil instantly looked like he regretted what he said and opened his mouth to correct himself but Dan wouldn’t let him, “How dare you! I love you and you know that! Why on earth do I have to tell every single person for you to believe that? You want to know why I didn’t want to tell people Phil? Do you really want to know? Because we won’t ever be left alone Phil! I am scared because if we let people in they will keep forcing their way in until we have nothing left to ourselves! I don’t want to be in a relationship for them, I want to be in a fucking relationship because I love you!”
Phil was in shock, he opened his mouth then closed it and Dan snorted, tears streaming down his cheeks now but he shrugged of Phil’s hand when he walked by him, “I just need to go for a bit… I’ll be back.”
Dan had been gone for a little less than a week, he had ignored the many phone calls and text messages from Phil. He honestly would have probably stayed away longer but Louise kicked him out and told him he better make things right with Phil or he would face her wrath; it at least got a smile out of Dan when everything seemed so dark and bleak. Dan sighed heavily as he stood outside of the door, chewing on his lip and feeling nervous about what he was going to walk into. He opened the door and stepped in silently, not really feeling like announcing he was home because it didn’t seem like a good thing, it didn’t feel right. He walked into the main room and looked around, jumping when he heard feet thumping on the floor and he suddenly was face to face with, to put it bluntly, a very messy looking Phil. Dan had planned on cracking some joke about Phil looking like such a mess, to do anything to break the silence between them but he wasn’t expecting Phil to burst into tears and run to pull Dan into his arms. Dan’s eyes widened, but he also couldn’t help the tears as he wrapped his arms around Phil.
“I-I’m so sorry Dan. God I messed up so bad, it is my fault. I am so sorry Dan I love you so, so much and I-I can’t lose you Dan. I need you. “
Dan leaned away just so they could look into each other’s eyes, how could Phil need Dan? He was such a happy person who would be able to get any person he wanted. No, Dan needed Phil, not the other way around. Dan shook his head and swallowed hard, leaning in to press their lips firmly together. Phil stumbled backwards from the force of the kiss but held Dan close to him and kissed back with such passion it made Dan dizzy. After a few moments Phil pulled away, caressing Dan’s face with both of his hands, his bright eyes looked wrong filled with tears and Dan’s heart clenched knowing he was the reason he was crying.
“Dan…please talk to me. Please say something.” His voice was barley a whisper.
Dan placed a hand over one of Phil’s to take it and intertwine their fingers, his own voice was so thick with emotion, “God Phil… I am the one who should be sorry. I-I don’t know what is wrong with me because I love you so fucking much Phil. You mean so much to me… I-I’m so sorry for yelling, that wasn’t fair to you. Please, please forgive me.”
Phil let out a deep breath and smiled softly, “I already did.”
Dan leaned forward and kissed Phil again, it felt like his entire body was vibrating with the passion he felt for Phil, a smile kiss wasn’t going to put out this fire and Dan knew it. The timing was off, but timing was never Dan’s specialty. He pulled away for only a split second to rip Phil’s shirt over his head then his own while Phil was stunned into silence. Dan took advantage of that to reconnect their lips together, needily pressing his body against Phil’s while his arms wrapped around his shoulders.
Phil pulled his lips away from Dan, looking at his face closely, “Dan?”
Dan whined, pressing his body closer to Phil, “I want you. I want this Phil please.”
Phil swallowed hard and nodded, pulling Dan to his room. It probably wasn’t as romantic of a first time as either of them planned but it was more than perfect. No amount of rose petals or scented candles could have made it better. Phil took both of Dan’s hands in his own, their fingers intertwining to fit perfectly against each other while Dan’s legs tightened around Phil each time Phil thrusted slowly up into Dan. Dan tilted his head back, eyes wide open but he couldn’t really see anything, the bright hot pleasure rushing through him every time Phil pushed into him seemed to dull most of his senses. Dan whimpered, gripping Phil’s hands tighter and threw his head to the side, giving Phil’s wandering mouth more room to move as he pushed harder into Dan, hitting his prostate just a bit harder but never quickening his slow thrusts. Dan moaned loudly, it felt more intimate than he could have ever imagined. Phil was surrounding him, leaning over and kissing his neck while whispering sweet praises and words of love. Dan whimpered again, moaning out Phil’s name again and again until Phil moved to connect their lips into a lazy kiss, his thrusts getting more and more sloppy the closer he got while Dan just got louder. When he finally came he thought he was going to pass out, but he remembers Phil cleaning him gently and kissing his chest a few times before pulling him against him. Dan smiled, rubbing his nose against Phil’s chest softly and tracing little patterns on Phil’s back.
“I’m sorry Phil… I really do love you and you don’t deserve to be hidden.”
Phil sighed softly, “No I’m sorry Dan. I should have respected your feelings but I was selfish. Don’t think about it anymore love,” Phil gently kissed the top of his head, “We’ll talk about it more in the morning. I love you too.”
Dan has had so many other firsts with Phil and he remembered each and every single one so vividly. He remembered when they planned to write their book, when they both wrote the first page and how Phil had run into Dan’s room like a kid on Christmas morning. He remembered the soft kiss Phil gave him back in their dressing room before their first show and the deep kiss he gave him after it. He remembered how Phil told Dan he looked beautiful in just sweatpants and a sweatshirt last week when he was moping around because Phil was going to be gone. Dan took a deep breath and opened his eyes again, wiping away the tears that were gathering there as he looked around their apartment, the safe spot they built together bathed in the soft glow of sun rise. They made so many wonderful memories here, there had been so many smiles, so many kisses and hugs. Dan could almost see the younger Dan looking around the apartment the first time he walked in. He wondered what his younger self would think if he could peer into his future. What would that sad young boy think? Looking into the crystal ball and seeing his much older self finally finding peace in himself and allowing himself to be happy. No, Dan would have let himself be happy when he was younger he just didn’t know how to be happy. Dan finally learned how to be happy because Phil taught him.
Dan was ripped out of his thoughts by keys in the door then Phil appearing in the lounge. Dan stared at him with wide eyes, his eyes looked tired behind those glasses but they seemed to brighten when they noticed Dan on the couch.
Phil smiled happily, “Did you stay up all night to greet me?”
Dan didn’t mean to get emotional, but he had spent so many hours reminiscing on the memories of how this very man has saved him so effortlessly and how much he loved him… plus not sleeping probably didn’t help. Tears filled Dan’s eyes and he ran forward, throwing his arms around Phil’s shoulders, holding him tightly while he clenched his eyes shut. A tiny sob escaped his lips and Phil’s eyebrows furrowed in worry, wrapping his arms securely around Dan’s chest, one resting firmly behind his shoulder blades while the other reached around his whole body.
“Dan? Bear, are you ok? Did something happen baby?”
Another tiny sob left Dan’s lips but he wouldn’t pull away from Phil, he only pressed his face closer and took in his familiar scent; Dan was finally home. Later he would feel embarrassed for being such an emotional mess (he normally was) but he could only feel so overcome with emotion right now and he needed Phil (he always did).
Dan shook his head, laughing softly but it was thick with tears, “No… Nothing happened Phil I just… I just missed you so much.”
Phil smiled softly, rubbing Dan’s back and turning his head to gently kiss the side of his head, “I am home bear. I missed you too.”
TITLE : Tour to Farewell ; Phan
GENRE : Angst
WARNINGS : Mentions of alcohol & sexual themes
SUMMARY : I want to say hello to you; every morning , every night , everyday; but I refuse to say goodbye in any way.
A/N : Hi!! I haven’t written anything in a long time lmao. Syke , I haven’t posted anything that is. I pretty much write everyday tbh. I’ve recently finished my first chaptered fic called The Prince & The Wolf which you can read here , so I kinda took a break from posting anything bc damn THAT thing was long. Anywho , this is written for the phanpicprompt . It’s more of a drabble than a oneshot tbh , but bear with me lol. This isn’t betaed too because HAHA i have no friends
WORD COUNT : 1,654
Every show ends with a smile painted on both of their faces.
Or that’s what they at least think.
As soon as they go backstage , that forced smile is erased on Dan Howell’s face. A frown replaces it , his enthusiasm turning into sorrow. Phil Lester , however , draws a straight line on his lips; enthusiasm fading into aloofness. And no one knows this , no one else but them.
Because as the days pass by , they know that the end of this tour is nigh.
And honestly , Dan Howell wishes it could go on forever.
-
To be honest , Dan wasn’t really expecting a tour. It was a sudden idea that Phil just brought up out of nowhere. One day , they were both laying on their cozy couch; and out of the blue , Phil chimes in with a ‘ Hey , we should have a tour ‘round the US! ‘
There wasn’t any reason to say ‘ no ‘ , so Dan agreed. Little did he know , there was a reason behind it. And god , it was a horrible , horrible reason.
In Dan’s case , at least.
“ Hey , Dan. “ Phil called out as Dan exited his room. Phil was leaning against the pale cream wall , hands on the back. His expression was something you’d describe as ‘ aloof ‘ , considering the fact he was avoiding any means of eye contact with the brunette. Dan’s instincts told him that whatever they were going to talk about wasn’t good.
“ Yeah , Phil? “ He replies , a single eyebrow raising upwards. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t slightly anxious.
“ Um , can we talk? “
And at that moment , Dan knew this wasn’t going to be good.
“ Yeah , of course. We can talk about anything , Philly. “
“ Um , you see... The tour’s probably the last time we’re ever going to hang out. “ Phil muttered awkwardly , gaze affixed to the floor. “ Because , uh... I’m getting married. “
And internally , Dan could hear glass shattering.
“ And that means I’m moving out. For... Well , forever I guess. “
And cue the second crash.
“ Oh. That’s cool. “ No it’s not. It’s not cool. It’s fucking hell--- Phil , the person he’s lived with for so fucking long , his one and only best friend in the entirety of his goddamn life , the only person who understood him , the person he considered his damn soulmate -
Phil , the man he fell in love with.
Was going to marry another man and leave him all alone.
That was nowhere near ‘ cool ‘.
-
Dan knew Phil was in a relationship for who knows how long. But somehow , he thought his life was one of those shitty movie flicks you’d see in the cinema , so he thought to himself; maybe I’m not too late.
Phil had a boyfriend. His name was Brendon. Phil kept their relationship out of the public , fearing that the ‘ phans ‘ might freak out and attack his poor , oblivious boyfriend. That or Phil wasn’t a huge fan of exposing his relationships with others , especially if it’s romantic.
Dan , on the other hand , didn’t mind. Kidding. He acted as if he didn’t care at all , though deep down inside; he knew he pretty much cared a lot. He was torn between being happy for his best friend for finally finding a significant other or being jealous that the love of his life was in the arms of another person. He was envious that it wasn’t he who was kissing those beautiful lips of his . He wasn’t the one who had the privilege to whisper sweet nothings to Phil’s ears , didn’t have the right to pick him up and spin him around as their laughter was in unison. And most importantly , he wasn’t the one Phil loved.
But Dan managed to endure it. By drinking lots and lots of alcohol , letting it poison his mind and digestive system till he’s intoxicated that he’s nothing but numb. Then he’ll bring home a man or a woman and make love to that only ends up to a one night stand , no significant meaning or whatsoever. Rinse and repeat once heartache ensues.
Yet that isn’t enough.When it’s late at night and when Phil’s drunk in love , he and his boyfriend would whisper to each other sweet sentences that are incoherent to Dan. Muffled moans are exchanged in sync with beautiful laughter as Phil calls out a name that isn’t Dan’s. Thus sometimes , Dan stays in his bed; getting drunk over his own tears that hurt him so.
And sometimes , Dan wishes he could just choke on them and die.
-
In the next few days , Dan needs to learn how to stop loving Phil.
But in those days , Dan just found himself loving Phil even more.
And you can’t blame him. You really can’t.
Because in those last days they shared together , he couldn’t help but smile and laugh at the very little things Phil has or did.
The smile that Phil did. Whenever he would laugh when he was in a pure state of happiness , Dan found himself smiling as well. He loved that smile of his , the one where his tongue would poke out between his teeth ever so slightly. The smile he did whenever he or Dan would crack up a joke , the smile he did whenever their laughter was in unison along with their audience;the smile that would bring all of the stars and the sun to shame. Dan loved it and was going to miss it.
The eyes that Phil owned. The eyes he would often compare to the beautiful morning sky , the sky that was filled with wonders . Those eyes that possessed a beautiful shade of blue , one that looked like a beautiful vast ocean. Those eyes that twinkled with happiness whenever they were together; the eyes that Dan could stare at for hours. Dan loved it and was going to miss it.
He giggled softly at his clumsiness , too . That one show where Phil suddenly forgot his lines; then he’d turn at Dan with a panicked expression painted on his face. Dan eagerly walks over to him , wrapping his arms around him. Truth be told , he wanted this. He wanted to be able to wrap his arms around him forever , he wanted to call Phil his. But the sad truth was he wasn’t; and he never will be.
It’s just another shitty plot for another cliche movie.
-
The tour ended eventually. And now they were in the airport.
Dan was going to fly back to London and Phil was staying here in America. He was going to stay with his boyfriend permanently.
“ So. “ Phil started awkwardly , helping Dan pull his trolley bag. “ This is goodbye...I guess. “
Dan bit his lip , trying his very best not to show the pain . “ Yeah. “
Brown and blue meet , staring at each other for what seems like an eternity. Silence cracked between the two. They didn’t know what to say.
So Phil wraps his arms around Dan’s back , and Dan wraps his around Phil’s neck. Phil hugs him casually , as if he was nothing to him but a mere best friend. But Dan hugs him as if he was his everything , and he was. He hugs him tightly , not wanting to let go. This was possibly the last time he was ever going to see Phil and that fact hurt him. He was gonna miss everything about him. His smile , his laugh , his eyes , his body , everything. He smelled of chocolates and flowers , which Dan loved very much. He’s whispered to himself numerous times to not cry but fuck it , because he does. He lets those tears trail down his cheeks , it’s not like it was the first time anyway.
Eventually , Phil lets go.
Reluctantly , Dan does too.
“ Bye , Dan. “ Phil mumbled quietly , an awkward smile on his face as his face crinkles up slightly. He waves ‘ farewell ‘ to him lightly.
Dan forces a smile on his face , waving as well. “ B-Bye , Phil. “ He stutters , trying to cease those tears from falling. After that , he turns around and walks away from Phil. He didn’t want to see his face anymore , he had the strongest urge to kiss him and tell him that for he’s in love with him and he’s been waiting for at least 7 years to tell him that.
Guess he’s going to have to keep that secret with him forever.
This poem (?) is in response to a post that I can’t embed a link into because I’m a derp. I reblogged it right before this though...
Title: You Are Never Alone
Picture: I’m bad at descriptions, but it’s Dan and Phil just clinging to each other and tears are escaping and my emotions can’t handle it.
Warnings: None (I guess sadness could count?)
Word count: 100
Other: Sometimes fewer words suit the thought you’re trying to get across.
Seeing someone hurt is never fun.
Seeing someone you love is especially never fun.
Sometimes you love them and are dating.
Sometimes you love them and are married.
Sometimes you love them and they’re gone.
Sometimes you love them and they aren’t your boyfriend or girlfriend. They aren’t your husband or your wife. They aren’t dead.
They’re part of you.
It’s hard to describe a relationship between two friends, especially when it’s so deep that their happiness is yours and their sadness is yours too.
The only good thing is that if your emotions are intertwined…
Hi I was just wondering if there was a time limit to the Picture Prompt thing? Thanks x
It’s gonna be about 2-3 weeks. I’ll give a heads up a few days before the masterlist will come out. We can always add them in after as long as you link to which picture it is.
BOI im gonna write smth for the phan art pic prompt BUT when's the deadline or smth bc im so nERVOUS I MIGHT COME LATE AF
NO FREN DONT BE NERVOUS I SAY YOU WRITE ONE!!! Julie can correct me if im wrong but i’m pretty sure we just add them to the masterlist as each one is made and we will switch art in a few weeks. So no worries, i say you definitely should write one!
