never his type | park jinyoung
summary: a little inspiration from lee youngji's “small girl”. I've always known that I'm not the kind of girl Jinyoung would choose. I'm not delicate, I'm not reserved, I don't fit into his perfect world. Besides, he only sees me as his friend. So I decided to stop trying, to let him go and live without expecting anything from him, and for the first time, to look in another direction without expecting that he will look back at me. But why does it seem like every time I try to pull away, the more he tries to get closer? warnings: I haven't written an au in a long time, so there might be some poor writing, beyond that a lot of mixed feelings, fluff, jinyoung!coworker, AAAAAAAA I loved writing this. this story is a jinyoung x fem y/n, hope you like it. words: 8,316 words. (ohmy) a/n: it's been a while since I last wrote, but I was in a creative slump for a long time where I didn't like anything or had no motivation to write, but recently got7 made a comeback and I said 'why not?' also, I've noticed that there isn't much got7 content on tumblr, so I hope you like this one, I really enjoyed writing it and finding myself again. i want to remind you that English is not my first language, so if there are mistakes I hope you will forgive me :( thank u, TQM.
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“Baby, would you still love me?
Though I got a big laugh, big voice, and big personality
Would you guarantee?
‘Small Girl’, Lee Young Ji.
They say that love is not forced, that if you have to beg for someone's attention, then it's not worth it. But no one tells you what to do when your heart is stubborn, when it insists on beating harder for someone who barely notices you.
I knew it from the beginning.
Jinyoung would never look at me the way I looked at him.
Because I'm not his type.
I'm not the discreet, elegant girl he usually likes, and that's okay.
Or at least, that's what I keep telling myself while I change the name of his contact on my phone and promise myself, once again, that this time I'm going to get over it.
But of course, saying I'm going to get over him is easy. The problem is actually doing it.
Because even if I delete our pictures together, even if I promise myself that this is the last time I let it affect me, the next day I'm still in the same place. Sitting in the usual coffee shop, surrounded by the same people, with Jinyoung on the other side of the table, laughing at something one of our co-workers said.
And, by inertia, my eyes search for him.
Memorize him.
His laugh, the way his eyes close a little when he's really enjoying himself, how he runs a hand through his hair when he's concentrating.
Little habits that I shouldn't notice, that shouldn't matter, but are engraved in me.
I take a deep breath. No more.
I'm going to forget you.
I'm going to stop liking you.
Because yes, today will be different.
Today, for the first time, I won't wait for you to look back at me.
Today, I will finally stop liking Park Jinyoung.
That's a promise.
But to be honest, I don't know exactly when or how I started to like Jinyoung, I think one day happened and that's it, there was no turning back.
Although I do remember the first time we met.
I think it was April, or maybe May, or something like that, a month where flowers were beginning to appear on the trees along with the first signs of the return of the warm sun in Seoul.
It had been a busy few weeks, probably the busiest I'd had since coming to this place. Work had multiplied after my partner's maternity leave, so all her work was now mine as well and it was starting to pile up next to the work I had accumulated for weeks on my desk.
I remember that my blouse was bothering me and my pants were not warm enough for the cold office, which was hiding from the sun's rays. In desperation because of the cold, I decided to escape from my pile of earrings to get some sun on the terrace, knowing that I might get a scolding.
But at that moment, I didn't care; I wasn't going to let someone else catch a cold when spring was in full bloom.
As I waited for the elevator, intending to escape in it, the metal doors opened revealing my boss accompanied by someone else. I felt that karma was playing against me for my actions, but at that instant my mind was not for worries.
In fact, his attention was on the young man in front of me and how I had suddenly forgotten how to breathe, leaving the air trapped in my lungs. His black suit perfectly marked his figure, his glasses, always sliding down the bridge of his nose, gave him an added charm, and his lotion....
God, his lotion was almost as mesmerizing as his gaze.
“Miss Kim, how nice to find you around.”
My supervisor's voice snapped me out of the trance that was beginning to cloud my mind.
“I want to introduce you to Mr. Park, Park Jinyoung, he will be your new partner until Miss Yun returns from leave.”
“It's a pleasure to meet you, Miss Kim.”
I don't know how long I stared at Jinyoung, but it was probably my flushed face and the awkwardness of my response that caused him to laugh.
From that day on, we became inseparable.
In my eyes, he was the spitting image of a prince out of a fairy tale. From head to toe, he looked like the perfect man. But it wasn't just his looks that captivated me, it was the way he was that made me fall more in love with him every day.
I loved that every morning he would greet me and talk to me until our workday began. That, throughout the day, he would give me little treats to keep me energized. That he would accompany me to lunch, even if he had already finished his lunch break. That he would wait for me in the elevator so that we could go to the bus stop together and that, without saying so, he would let a few buses go by just so he could stay a little longer by my side.
But to be honest... was there anything I didn't like about Jinyoung?
Ah, yes.
There was something.
I didn't like that I wasn't his type.
One day, as I was on my way to deliver some papers to Marketing, I saw Jinyoung and a couple of friends sitting around having a coffee. My feet were hurrying towards them to greet them but my brain slowed them down, hearing the question Jaebeom had asked the brunette before they could see me coming.
“What about you Jinyoung, what kind of girls do you like?”
My heart began to beat fast, almost as if I had run a full marathon without stopping. Like a coward, I hid behind a pillar while I listened to their conversation.
Yes, it was disrespectful of me to listen to someone else's conversation, but I couldn't move. I didn't know if it was my body or my heart that had decided to leave me there, listening to the dialogue between them.
“Well, I don't have an exact type.”
I breathed again.
“Don't lie, I know you have one” A second voice spoke.
My eyes caught the silhouette of BamBam, who was playfully slapping his hyung.
“Don't be shy, Jinyoungie. Tell us, we are friends.”
It seemed that the pressure caused by the pair had made Jinyoung succumb to their question, who was starting to rub the back of his neck before answering them.
“Okay, okay... Well, I like girls shorter than me, I don't really have a preference in hair color but I think blondes look good, they look pretty. Maybe that they're discreet, elegant, that I feel like I can introduce her to my parents without fear that they might reject her, that they don't talk or laugh too much, I don't know! Right, that's enough.”
Shit.
My body froze.
Suddenly, I could feel the coffee I had drunk in the morning getting stuck in my throat, unable to move from my spot.
I stood there, my fingers clenching tightly around the papers I was supposed to deliver, as if to keep my thoughts from spiraling out of control.
Discreet. Elegant. Pleasing in the eyes of her parents.
Definitely, of all the things the man had named.
None of those things were me.
I let out a low sigh and closed my eyes for a second, forcing myself to compose myself. It wasn't like he expected to hear my description on his list, but I wasn't amused to feel so out of it either. Like the possibility didn't even exist.
Nothing on that silly list defined me. If anything really characterized me, it was my outrageous laugh, my sarcastic comments that left more than one person speechless, and my absolute inability to keep quiet when something bothered me. Not to mention, of course, my ridiculous height, which used to surprise anyone upon seeing me for the first time.
And elegant? Well... tripping over my own feet and spouting curses at the worst moment definitely didn't fall into that category.
I pursed my lips and glanced sideways again.
Jinyoung was smiling with the confidence of someone who thought he was pretty clear on what he wanted. But if he was so sure, why did he feel the need to justify himself so much?
I forced myself to let go of the papers in my hands and smooth them out with my fingers, playing with the edge of them. It was then that a small smile appeared on my lips.
“Of all the things you mentioned, Jinyoung, none of them fit me,” I thought, feeling a spark of amusement mixed with something else, something I didn't want to admit. “It's almost like I'm exactly the kind of girl that terrifies you.”
I bit my lip, fighting the temptation to laugh. But not a happy laugh, but the kind that sounded more like a resigned sigh.
“Oh, noona!”
A shiver ran through my body when I heard BamBam's voice calling me. As best I could, I recomposed the expression on my face and turned around, looking at the trio in front of me.
“Mhm? Oh, guys, what's wrong?”
“What are you doing here, is something wrong?”
Quick. Make something up.
“Oh yeah, I wanted to check with you guys to see if you knew if Seojun was at his desk, I was asked to deliver some papers to him before he went out to lunch.”
“I'm not sure, in fact I think he already went out, but we can-”
“You're bleeding.”
Jinyoung's voice brought me back to earth, feeling his hands wrap around mine and watching as blood gushed out and stained the papers.
“Let me tend to you, let's go get something to nurse-”
“Don't worry, Jinyoung. I'll go to the bathroom and then I'm going to redo these papers.”
“But it's almost time to eat and your finger...”
“Don't worry, I'll stop by today from lunch, I have to deliver this urgently, don't worry. Excuse me.”
As best I could, I bowed and slipped out of there.
That day was the beginning of something I didn't know how to stop.
After that, I started to distance myself. At first, it was just small, almost imperceptible details. I avoided spending too much time in the same spaces as him, I let conversations with the group flow without looking for his gaze, and I even forced myself not to react when he said something that would normally make me respond in search of some reaction from him. It wasn't difficult, at least at first. I kept telling myself that it was for the best, that there was no point in holding on to something that clearly had no place in his world.
But Jinyoung... he didn't make it easy.
Every time I thought I had found a balance, something about him would push me back. A genuine concern, a warmer-than-normal smile, the way he always seemed to notice when something was bothering me before others did. Details that shouldn't mean that much, but to my misfortune, they did.
And so, while I tried to pull away, he kept tugging at an invisible string that tied me to his orbit, even without realizing it.
Until one day I looked at my reflection and understood that my heart was not only frayed...but that every show of affection from him was making it break a little more.
“Noona, are you okay?”
BamBam's voice snapped me out of my trance. I blinked several times, snapping back to the present. We were in a coffee shop with the team, the murmur of conversations and the sound of cups clinking against plates filled the atmosphere. I hadn't even realized I had stopped listening.
“Huh? Yeah, yeah... I was just thinking about a few things.”
Jinyoung looked at me from across the table. It seemed that my disconnection to the atmosphere had caused him some strangeness, trying to tell me something through his gaze, something I couldn't quite make out.
I removed myself in my seat, uncomfortable.
“Wow, she looked so serious I thought she was planning world domination or something” Youngjae joked, making me let out a forced laugh.
I forced myself to pick up my glass and take a sip. I didn't want them to notice anything weird. I didn't want him to notice something was wrong.
But I knew it wouldn't be long before he did. Because Jinyoung always noticed those things.
And that was just the problem.
My phone vibrated in my bag, causing me to rummage through my things before I saw the screen.
Jinyoung: hey, u okay?
My eyes searched for him, catching him in the way he was watching me from across the table, almost crossing me. A subtle smile, almost impossible to discover whether it was a lie or not, came across my face, accompanying a soft nod of my head.
Me: yeah, don't worry! :)
I went back to watching him, trying to connect with the conversation the group was carrying so that I could look interested and laugh at whatever they were talking about, unconcerned with the man in the other corner.
It seemed to have been a success when he reconnected to the flow of the others.
When the coffee had cooled and everyone looked pretty interested in leaving, the conversation was over, and being honest I don't even remember 80% of what we had talked about that night. Gradually the goodbyes began to be heard, as well as the sound of cars leaving the place.
To my misfortune, not having a car tied me to public transportation, occupying an app or asking others if they could get me as close to home as possible.
“Are you leaving already?”
My heart gave a slight flip when I heard his voice, but my mind forcefully suppressed it. I turned to meet Jinyoung, who had stopped beside me with his hands in his pockets and that calm expression that always seemed so natural on him.
“Something like that,” I replied lightly, glancing at my cell phone screen again. “I'm seeing if an Uber or taking the bus is more feasible.”
“Don't worry, I'll get you closer to your hou-”
“Oppa!”
Our conversation was interrupted by a third party, causing all attention to focus on the newcomer.
Jia, Choi Jia.
Remember the list of things Jinyoung had said earlier about his ideal girl? Well, somehow, everything about her fit perfectly with the description the boy had given that day.
Short, elegant, discreet. Her long blonde hair fell in perfect waves over her shoulders, and her sweet smile seemed designed to win over any strict mother. She was the kind of girl who didn't raise her voice any louder than necessary, who always knew how to behave at the right moment.
In other words, his ideal type.
And, of course, she knew it.
I barely turned around to see her approaching with a beaming smile, holding Jinyoung's arm with familiarity.
“Let's go together! Our house is in the same direction, remember?”
A knot formed in my stomach before I could help it.
Of course, how had I forgotten?
Jia and Jinyoung lived in the same area.
It was almost as if fate was playing all its cards so that our paths wouldn't come together in any way.
He blinked, confused, as if he had just remembered that detail. “Oh... right.”
“It's perfect,” she continued, not letting go of his arm. “That way you don't have to take a detour.”
Jinyoung hesitated for a second and his gaze rested on me, as if he was still considering his original offer.
But I saw it in his eyes... he wasn't going to say no to Jia.
And I had no intention of just standing there waiting for him to do so.
“It's okay, don't worry, Jinyoung,” I said quickly, forcing a smile. “I'll take the bus, it's fine.”
“But-”
“Noona!”
Another voice interrupted me before Jinyoung could continue speaking. BamBam approached with the phone in his hand and an excited expression.
“Where are you going now, noona?”
“I'm going to catch the bus.”
“No noona! A friend is coming to pick me up and he can bring you closer to your house too, he's in the same direction where we're going. He has no problem with you joining us on our journey.”
I inwardly thanked him for his sudden intervention and nodded quickly. “Are you sure? I don't want to inconvenience anyone.”
“Trust me, you won't.” He said with a mischievous grin. “Besides, it sure will do him good to meet more people.”
Just then, and almost falling from the sky, the lights of a black car illuminated part of the parking lot as it pulled up in front of us.
“There he is,” BamBam announced, raising his hand in greeting.
The driver's door opened, and out stepped a tall boy with somewhat tousled dark hair and a calm but attentive expression. His sharp features were accentuated by the dim street lighting, and the way he moved, with a natural, effortless confidence, made him instantly catch the eye.
BamBam smiled proudly before making introductions.
“Hyung, hey!”
Jinyoung, who was still beside me, straightened his shoulders slightly. Jia tilted her head curiously and I just stood static, watching the man arriving to join us.
“This is Mark.” The boy greeted everyone with a simple nod, trying to decipher our names. “Hyung, this is Jia, Jinyoung hyung and my noona, that's who we'll be taking today, our new traveling companion.”
“Bam's famous noona, it's a relief to finally give her a face.” A smile broke out on my face as he finished speaking, thanking the heavens that the subject had suddenly changed his direction.
“I hope he spoke only wonders about me.”
“Oh, of course he did. In fact, I don't think he was able to shut up after I asked him.”
Mark's laughter was catching in the air, causing me to laugh along with him as well. But despite that instant of grace, I could feel Jinyoung's steady gaze burn into my back.
“Don't talk about me like I'm not here! Hyung, noona!”
As if by magic, I felt again that there were people around us, forgetting the feelings that were wrapping around me a couple of minutes ago.
“If you're going to keep laughing at me like that, then we'd better leave, I don't want to be humiliated by you guys anymore!”
I shook my head in amusement as I watched him get into the car, turning my gaze back to Jinyoung and his new co-driver.
“It was nice meeting you guys, I hope we can meet more often.”
Mark's voice broke the silence, echoing softly in the air before he bowed goodbye and got into the car.
Just then, my eyes met Jinyoung's, and my heart raced without warning. I didn't understand why I felt this way so suddenly, but in his gaze there was something... something he was trying to tell me, just like in the cafeteria a couple of minutes ago.
“Well... Get home safely. See you Monday.”
I raised my hand in a farewell gesture before turning to get into the car. But, at that precise moment, a gentle tug on my clothes made me stop.
To my surprise, Jinyoung was holding me. His face reflected an urgency that unsettled me. His lips, as red as an apple, seemed to have been bitten just a few seconds ago. His eyes roamed my face with intensity, as if desperately searching for an answer in it, as if what he wanted to tell me was trapped between us.
With a thread of a voice, I barely managed to ask, “What's wrong, Pepi?”
He opened his mouth, his tongue was pressing against the inside of his cheek, as if the words were on the tip, ready to come out. But they didn't. His grip on my clothes became firmer, as if he was trying to keep me from leaving without hearing what he had to tell me.
But in the end... nothing.
I felt his grip loosen until his hand fell to his side.
“It's nothing, sorry.”
My chest tightened with inexplicable frustration.
“Oh... it's okay.”
A wave of disappointment washed over me from head to toe. I wanted him to speak, to let out those words I was holding back. That he would give me a reason to stay a few seconds longer. But he didn't.
So I just sighed and mumbled a goodbye, before finally getting into the car.
The goodbye had been brief, but the weight of what was left unsaid hung in the air.
The car started up, gliding nimbly between the streets. From the back seat, I watched the city lights fleetingly flash past the window, as Mark and BamBam's voice mingled in distant conversation.
“Noona, how far are we from your house?”
BamBam's voice snapped me out of my thoughts. I blinked a couple of times before leaning in slightly to look at him.
“Ah... Not much, about ten more minutes.”
I tried to sound natural, but my mind was still trapped in the instant I had shared with Jinyoung. Or rather, in what we did not share. Something inside me told me that he had wanted to talk, that he had been on the verge of doing so, but something stopped him.
Was it fear, was it doubt, or was he just not as important as I thought he was?
Mark seemed focused on the road, his face serene, but BamBam was watching me with a curious glint in his eye.
“Are you okay?” he asked with a lopsided smile, as if he knew exactly what was going through my mind.
I didn't answer right away. Instead, I forced a smile.
“Yeah, I'm just tired.”
BamBam let out a slight sigh and shrugged. “If you say so, noona.”
The rest of the ride passed in comfortable silence, interrupted only by the murmur of the radio and the occasional conversation between the two of them. For my part, I watched the lights of the city go by, turning the matter over again and wondering what would have happened if Jinyoung had spoken.
Soon after, I could see the cluster of buildings where my home was. The car came to a complete stop and that's when I just opened the door to get out of the car.
“Thank you so much for approaching me, Mark.”
“No problem, besides you were just passing by.”
“Good night, guys. Thanks again.”
Setting my feet on solid ground, I waved goodbye to them one more time before turning around. However, like déjà vu, something once again got in my way, preventing me from moving forward.
“Noona.”
My stride stopped and I turned to look at him.
“If you want to talk about whatever happened back there...you know where to find me.”
His words were playful, but there was something genuine in his tone. I was silent for a moment before smiling sincerely.
“I know, thank you, Bam.”
The next thing I heard was the car start up and drive off into the darkness of the night, as I headed for my apartment.
As soon as I closed the door behind me, I let out a long, tired sigh. I leaned against the wood and closed my eyes, letting all the oxygen in my body go out of my mouth.
It seemed like all my attempts to get away from Jinyoung wanted to be put on pause, almost as if fate finally wanted to give me some of what I prayed so hard for before I went to sleep.
But I couldn't give in to the slightest bit of attention he was giving me, I had to be strong enough to be able to overcome these feelings that were blossoming more and more in me.
I had promised.
I had promised myself.
Be that as it may.
I'm going to stop liking you, Jinyoung.
Despite all my attempts to forget what happened on Friday and turn the page, I had spent the whole weekend with my mind trapped in that moment with Jinyoung.
I relived the scene over and over again, searching in his gaze, in his body language, in every little gesture, for some clue as to what he really wanted to tell me.
But after so much thought, I came to the conclusion that if he didn't say it, maybe it wasn't as important as I thought.
Maybe it was just my imagination playing tricks on me. Maybe, at the last second, he realized that what he wanted to tell me wasn't worth it. Or worse, maybe there was never anything to say.
So I decided to dismiss it. There was no point in going on and on about it and gnawing at my head.
By the time Monday came around, I had buried the issue in the back of my mind, focusing on what really mattered: work.
It is clear that Mondays are always the worst day of the week, but it seemed that today was set to be the worst of all. Apparently all the meetings had been scheduled for that day.
I had barely seen the shadow of Jinyoung's silhouette all day, he had been going up and down the elevator loaded with papers, at the same time that I was moving from one room to another to have all the meetings that could exist in the world.
We didn't cross a single word all day.
There were no morning greetings, no pauses for conversation, no little sweets left on my desk.
And though I repeated to myself that I needn't have minded, a part of me couldn't help but notice.
Between all the work and the small but possible breaks there were to rest, it suddenly got dark and again I was at the entrance of the building, seeing if it was more economical to order an Uber or walk to wait for the bus.
“Are you waiting for the prices to go down?”
Jinyoung's voice interrupted my internal debate, lifting my gaze from the screen and observing the brown-haired man. I couldn't help but scan him, he was wearing a casual outfit but one that didn't lose that hint of elegance he always used to have, he looked perfect.
“Something like that, but I don't think it's going to happen.” I shrugged my shoulders before I could stow the phone in my bag, watching him once again.
“Let's go together.”
His sudden proposal caught me off guard, feeling the pounding of my heart echoing in my chest. A soft blush settled on my cheeks, noticing how Jinyoung gave me one of those smiles that generated butterflies in my stomach.
But before I could say anything, a familiar voice interrupted that scene.
“Ah, noona!”
An elated BamBam appeared in front of us, who looked like he had run so he could meet us.
“We were looking for you.”
“We?”
As soon as that question escaped my mouth, Mark appeared at the side of the young man, who gave him a small pat on the back before looking at me.
“We're going in the same direction as last time. If you want, we can take you again.”
My gaze shifted from BamBam to Mark, and then to Jinyoung.
For the first time that day, he seemed at a loss for words.
His expression tensed for a brief moment before he regained his neutral gesture, as if the interruption didn't affect him in the least.
“Oh guys, excuse me but-”
“You guys go ahead. I'll take the bus. Actually, I have to go somewhere else, I'm meeting someone.”
The echo of Jinyoung's voice made me turn around, noticing how suddenly his expression had changed just like his previous proposition, once again.
His tone was calm, almost indifferent.
But something about the way he averted his gaze and how quickly he ended the conversation made me feel a small twinge in my chest.
Before I could say anything, he had already turned and was walking away down the street with his hands in his pockets.
Mark and BamBam were silent for a few seconds, exchanging quick glances with each other before looking back at me.
They knew something had happened, but neither asked.
“Shall we go, noona?” said BamBam finally, in his usually nonchalant tone, as if he hadn't just noticed how strange the whole exchange had been.
My gaze didn't leave Jinyoung's backpack until it disappeared around the corner, feeling again like there was something he had wanted to say but ended up vanishing into thin air.
“Yeah, let's go.”
The rest of the week went along pretty much the same way.
Whenever it seemed that Jinyoung was going to approach me to tell me something, BamBam and Mark would appear out of nowhere with their usual:
Noona, come on, we'll give you a ride.
At first, I didn't think anything of it.
It was a nice gesture on their part and actually saved me from taking public transportation.
But after the third, the fourth, the fifth time... I started to notice it.
And I wasn't the only one.
Every time it happened, Jinyoung would clench his jaw for barely a second before immediately relaxing, as if reminding himself not to react.
Every time BamBam would appear with his carefree smile, I would watch out of the corner of my eye as Jinyoung would avert his gaze, pretending that it didn't bother him at all.
Whenever Mark would make a simple nod of his head to signal me to leave, Jinyoung would clench his fists slightly, as if he was holding something back.
But he never said anything.
He never complained.
He never tried to avoid it.
And yet, that restrained annoyance was becoming more and more apparent.
Mark and BamBam began to notice it too.
Their gazes became more curious every time Jinyoung and I crossed paths.
More analytical when Jinyoung feigned indifference.
More amused when it seemed that, for a second, he was about to say something... only to stop and carry on as if nothing had happened.
And I, for one, began to wonder how much longer he could keep holding back before he finally snapped.
Finally it was Friday, and as had become customary, I waited at the entrance for my trusted drivers, they didn't usually take much longer than 10 minutes to show up.
As I waited, I could tell that I was no longer alone, but that there was a second presence beside me.
“Shall I keep you company?”
My face turned the instant I saw Jinyoung next to me, noticing how he was arranging his glasses on the bridge of his nose. A smile broke out on my face, nodding softly at his offer.
“Will you go with them again?”
I nodded once more, watching his face turn that relaxation into tension as he confirmed what it seemed he didn't want to hear.
“It's a nice gesture on them to approach me, plus I save some money that way.”
Jinyoung let out a small laugh, but it didn't sound genuine. Rather, it sounded like he was trying to downplay something he didn't particularly enjoy.
“Yeah, right... a nice gesture.”
He didn't say anything else, just looked down and gently kicked the ground with the toe of his shoe.
A small silence formed between us.
It wasn't awkward, but there was something about his posture, the way his jaw tensed and his hands remained inside his coat pockets, that made me think he was holding back from saying something else.
But before I could break the silence that had formed, the vibration of my phone interrupted us.
Bam: Noona, sorry but we're going to be a little late.
My brow furrowed, trying to figure out what was going on with the little context that message had delivered.
A second notification came through.
Bam: Mark is stuck in traffic and I'm having a tummy crisis.
Bam: I didn't have to eat that much kimchi for lunch.
Bam: Go ahead noona, don't wait for us.
I quickly answered that message to stop worrying them and put the cell phone back in its place, letting out a soft sigh.
“Looks like my attempt to save ends today.”
“And that?”
I turned and looked at the man, who was looking at me as he arranged his glasses on the bridge of his nose.
“Mark and Bam won't be able to take me today” I let out a small chuckle before noticing Jinyoung's face relax. “I'll start walking or I'll miss the bus.”
My feet stomped to the stop, but it seemed the echo of my footsteps weren't the only thing I heard.
“I can give you a ride if you like!”
My footsteps paused for a moment. I wasn't sure if I had heard correctly or if my mind was playing a joke on me. I turned to him with a slight nod.
“Huh?”
Jinyoung cleared his throat, as if he himself was surprised by his own offer. He settled his glasses on the bridge of his nose and repeated more firmly.
“That I can give you a ride if you like.”
“Since when do you have a car?” A smile tugged at my lips, noticing how the man moved closer.
“Since Jackson stopped borrowing mine and decided to buy one.”
“He finally has his own car, good for him” We both shared a laugh, feeling how we were back to feeling as comfortable as before. “I was already pretty sure he was going to end up buying your car from you.”
“Thank heavens no, so I can now offer you a ride.”
Again that look.
That look that wanted to say everything but at the same time his mouth said nothing, with that gleam that illuminated his pretty eyes, and how not to forget those pink lips-.
Stop it, stop thinking about it.
My head shook, pushing away those thoughts that, once again, invaded my head again. I relaminated my lips before regaining my composure, watching Jinyoung, who seemed quite interested in my sudden action.
“So, shall we go?”
I hesitated for a second.
Would this really do me any good?
There was no answer to that but if I wanted to get over it, this was the way to do it, putting myself to the test one last time.
“Yeah, come on.”
We both shared a smile before we could walk to the car.
The drive began with a quietness that didn't feel uncomfortable. Jinyoung drove with one hand on the steering wheel and the other resting on the window, while I absentmindedly looked out of mine, feeling the warmth of the sunset tint the city in orange hues.
“If you want, you can play music,” he said suddenly, without taking his eyes off the road.
“Are you sure you trust my playlist?” I joked, grabbing his phone that already had the music app open.
“If it's still this chaotic, probably not.”
I let out a laugh as I started to slide through his playlists.
“Do you actually still have this playlist?” I asked, surprised to see one in particular.
“Which one?”
“The one we made together when we first started working together, with the most ridiculous songs we could find.”
Jinyoung laughed low, shaking his head.
“I didn't have the heart to erase it.”
“Oh, come on, Jinyoung. Tell the truth,” I lightly nudged his arm ‘you love listening to ABBA when you're alone in the car.’
“If you keep that comment up, I'll drop you off at the next corner.”
We both broke into laughter, feeling that distance that had appeared between us over the past few days begin to fade.
It felt right.
It felt... natural.
As the music played softly in the background, we continued to chat, picking up old jokes and creating new ones in the process, almost feeling like the distance that had been generated had brought us closer, where we were once again the same people who would scold each other for not stopping talking after a meeting.
At some point in the conversation, our best memories began to surface, feeling my stomach ache with every laugh we let out.
“It wasn't my fault!” Jinyoung protested with laughter.
“What do you mean it wasn't your fault! You left me stuck in the meeting room because you 'thought I was already gone'!”
“I did it under pressure.”
“Pressure from what?” I raised an eyebrow.
“Pressure from wanting to leave quickly before I got caught in another meeting.”
I let out another laugh, gently punching his arm. I could see how the traffic light had changed to red, giving us a break from the laughter we had been sharing since we got in the car.
Jinyoung ran a hand through his hair, blurting out a sentence that chilled me to the bone.
“I missed this, I missed you.”
The sound of cars passing around us seemed to fade for a moment. My breath caught in my chest as my mind processed his words.
I missed this, I missed you.
It was not an elaborate confession, not a speech full of carefully chosen words. It was simple, sincere and, above all, unexpected.
I watched him out of the corner of my eye, watching his fingers drum softly on the steering wheel, a nervous gesture I rarely saw from him. His eyes were fixed on the red light of the traffic light, but the tension in his jaw gave away that he was waiting for an answer.
No, he was begging for an answer.
I couldn't lie to my own feelings, so I was honest with him.
“Me too” I whispered, almost without realizing it.
Jinyoung turned his face slowly toward me, as if he wasn't sure he had heard right. My gaze met his, and for the first time in a long time, I didn't feel the need to look away.
The traffic light changed to green, but neither of us reacted immediately. A car horn behind us broke the moment, bringing us back to reality.
Jinyoung cleared his throat slightly before tightening his grip on the steering wheel and continuing to drive.
The silence between us was no longer awkward, but charged with something else. Something that hovered in the air, making me feel more aware of his presence, of the accelerated heartbeat in my chest, of how my skin bristled every time our arms accidentally brushed.
The rest of the trip was calmer, sharing different opinions of events that had happened in the office, almost as if we were both trying to avoid the recent confession we had had.
Sooner or later we had arrived at the apartment complex. My eyes averted their gaze from the large buildings to Jinyoung, who was watching me uneasily.
“Thanks for the ride, Pepi.” A new smile broke out on my face, fixing me as he shared his with me as well.
“No problem, it's no trouble.”
“Be careful coming back, okay?”
Before I could leave, I felt my hands itch, almost needing to do something else. Hesitant to do so, I simply let my instinct decide for me.
I leaned in slightly and deposited a kiss on his cheek, barely a brush, but just enough to feel the warmth of his skin against my lips.
Jinyoung seemed to freeze, as if trying to process what had just happened. I didn't wait to see his reaction. I turned quickly and got out of the car, feeling my heart hammering in my chest.
As soon as the cool night air enveloped me, I realized something.
I wasn't going to move forward like this.
If I kept hiding behind small, contained displays of affection, half-hearted moments and unspoken words, I would never get out of this emotional tangle.
“Agh, what a fool.” I muttered to myself, keeping my pace steady down that path.
I took a breath of air, clenching my fists. I couldn't go on at this in-between point. I was determined.
As I was about to take the first step away from there, ready to stop fantasizing about something that was never going to happen, his voice reached me.
“Wait! Y/N!”
Jinyoung didn't shout often, and the fact that he did so now took me by surprise. I turned instinctively, and before I could react, he was already in front of me, breathing in agitation from catching up to me so quickly.
“Jinyoung... What are you doing, why are you here?”
“Are you still going with them?”
His question surprised me a little.
Had he run that far to ask me that?
“What? What do you mean?”
“If Mark and Bambam keep telling you to go with them, will you?”
I stared at him, sensing that his question had a second meaning. I didn't mean it because of the way he said it or the context, but because, for the first time, his eyes were watching me and telling me what they had hidden so much, what caused that special gleam in them.
“I-I, uhm, I don't know, I think-”
“You don't have to go with them. Let's go together.”
His voice sounded firm, but there was something else in his tone: a silent plea, a truth that had been holding back too long.
I stood still, feeling my chest shrink with unexpected warmth. My mouth felt dry and all the words I had thought of at that moment had vanished, feeling lost in the intense gaze Jinyoung held.
“I don't want to keep watching you walk away” He whispered, with the intensity of one who has held on to something too long. “I don't want to keep walking behind you, waiting for you to turn around. I want you to stay. With me.”
The world seemed to stop.
I don't know if it was the way he said it, with that perfect mix of sweetness and conviction, or the way his gaze held me so securely, but I felt my heart stop for a second only to then beat harder.
Jinyoung didn't speak without thinking. And if he said something like that... it was because he really meant it.
“What are you talking about, Jinyoung? W-what? What about Jia?”
As soon as I mentioned the girl's name, it seemed that suddenly his face turned into confusion.
“What does she have to do with it?”
“Please Pepi, it's obvious. She's...”
I struggled to keep my gaze on his, feeling I wasn't strong enough to tell him, to admit what was obvious.
“She's everything you want. From head to toe she's your ideal girl, Jinyoung.”
He took a step forward, eliminating any space between us. My breath hitched as he brought his hand to my face, with the softness of someone who feared he might vanish at any moment. Our gazes reconnected almost instantly, leaving my heart rate to rise again.
“It's not, of course not.”
“Please don't deny it to make me feel better, I heard you.”
My teeth caught my bottom lip, holding back the urge to cry that was starting to grow in my body as I remembered that instant.
“I heard you that time, when Jaebeom asked you what your ideal type of girl was. You described her perfectly, out of your whole list of things, Jia was the spitting image.”
A laugh escaped the boy's lips, feeling that what he had just heard was the funniest thing anyone could have said to him.
“No, it's not true.”
Before I could respond anything, feeling offended at the uncharacteristic way he had called me a liar, he continued speaking.
“She was never my type.”
Jinyoung brought one of his hands to the back of his neck, ruffling his hair a little, as if gathering all the courage he had to finally let out everything he was holding back.
“I made up that list” He finally admitted, his voice laden with a mixture of frustration and something deeper. “Not because Jia was my type... but because if I said what I really liked, Jaebeom and BamBam would have noticed instantly.”
My eyes widened even more, hearing the loud gallop of my heart in my ears. My lips parted in shock.
“Realized? Realized what?”
His eyes bore into mine, serious and vulnerable at the same time.
“That the only person who fit my true description perfectly...was you.”
The air seemed to rush out of my lungs all at once.
“Do you know how many times I was asked that? How many times I wanted to say it?” He moistened his lips and shook his head softly. “But I couldn't. I didn't want them to know before you did...before I had the courage to tell you myself.”
My heart was pounding so hard I was sure he could hear it.
“But when they asked me that time...I panicked. I wasn't ready to admit it out loud, not in front of them, not when I didn't even know what you felt. So I made up a list. One different enough that no one would suspect... but generic enough that no one would ask any more questions.”
The truth of his words fell on me like a sure blow. Everything I had taken for granted, everything I had interpreted as fact, crumbled in the face of the confession Jinyoung was regaling me with.
And worst of all... I believed it.
Because there he stood, with his heart fully exposed, with those eyes that had never been as honest as they were in that instant.
“You were never part of my list, because if I said it out loud...everyone would have known it was always you.”
After his confession, the loud sound of my heartbeat and his erratic breathing was all that could be heard at that moment.
“It was always you ever since I met you, ever since I saw you in the elevator. The one that made my heart beat so hard it made me dizzy, the one that made me want to get to work early because then I could start my day seeing you, that made me repeat lunch...” He paused a little before he could smile sincerely, looking at me once more. “The one that made me leave my car at home just so I could walk her to the stop and have a little more time to talk.”
Small tears slid down my cheeks, the way the sincerity of his words had managed to not only alter my heart, but had also broken down every barrier I had built around him.
Jinyoung raised his hand cautiously, watching my face with concern at the sudden tears that were beginning to well up.
“What, why are you crying, did I say something wrong?”
I shook my head softly, trying to hide my own sobs between giggles, feeling a weight lift off my back.
“No, Jinyoungie... It was perfect.”
There was no sign or anything specific, we just knew.
Jinyoung tilted his face slightly, and the instant our breaths intertwined, I knew there was no turning back.
Our lips met in a desired kiss that seemed like it would never happen, as if we were both tasting the sensation, making sure this wasn't a dream. But instantly, the need to be closer enveloped us like an unstoppable current.
The feel of his hands around my waist was firm, seeking not to separate me from him until he decided for himself. A shiver ran down my back as the sweet taste of his breath mingled with mine, and I found myself losing myself in the sensation, in the warmth, in the fact that after all, he had always been there.
Slowly we parted, letting our breaths mingle and our foreheads meet, resting after that whirlwind of feelings we had just unleashed.
Jinyoung smiled, that soft, shy smile that always managed to make me forget everything else.
“Ewww, get a room!”
BamBam's familiar voice made us all jump out of the way, as if we'd been caught doing something forbidden. I felt my cheeks burn as I turned my head and was met with the most embarrassing scene possible: BamBam laughing uproariously, Mark leaning against the car with a knowing half-smile, and Jaebeom with his arms crossed, nodding approvingly.
“How did they...?” I asked in the direction of Jinyoung, who looked even more embarrassed than they did as he cheered us on.
“It's about time, were they planning to keep up that tension until retirement?” Mark's striking voice was next to interrupt the silence, who was fist-bumping with Jaebeom. “You owe me 20,000, Bam.”
“God! Hyung, really, just now? You ruin the moment.”
Instinctively, we both burst into laughter, feeling the tension and embarrassment completely melt away after that moment. Our gazes met once more, and as if the whole world came down to this instant, we kissed again and again under the cover of night.
I always thought I would never be the kind of girl that men liked.
Maybe it was because of my indelicate way of saying things or my innate ability to blurt out the worst comments at the wrong time. Maybe it was also due to my height, which used to surprise many, or the bland color of my hair, which didn't stand out at all.
But that night, as I felt Jinyoung's arms around me gently, his warm breath brushing against my skin and his gaze fixed on me as if I was the only thing that existed, I understood that everything I once thought about myself was meaningless.
Because for him, I was enough.
To him, my outrageous laugh, my sharp sarcasm, and my total inability to keep quiet when something bothered me were not flaws, but part of what he loved about me.
And as his lips met mine again, I knew I didn't need to be anyone else's ideal guy.
Because I was already his.
And that was more than enough.
lots of love, alme ୨ৎ
