Ever since Mom died, I think my depression has been getting worse.
I’ve been calling in pretty much regularly twice a week (once I think I even did it three days out of the five). I’ve used so much FMLA sick time that my sick leave is in the negative double digits. I’m running out of it, too; it’s up next month, I think. I mean, I wasn’t exactly stellar with my leave usage last season, either, but it feels worse this year. Maybe because I’m not the lead for my unit so I don’t feel like it matters as much if I’m there or not.
I haven’t been taking my meds quite as regularly as I should, though I don’t feel like they help me anyway. I mean, I know the headaches haven’t helped either, although they are finally starting to recede somewhat. But I feel like a slug, like I’m even more of a waste of space than usual. I haven’t been doing much outside of playing video games, drawing a little bit here and there, and writing (and even that’s on the fence right now). I don’t know if there’s even a way to get out of this fog. It doesn’t feel like it. I keep waiting for something to happen, even though I know perfectly well that that’s not how it works.
I’m somewhere between “just leave me alone to die” and “someone drag me out of this please”. And given my brother doesn’t respond to my texts (so much for “we need to stay close now that we’re all we have left”), my best friend is three hours away and has her own stuff to deal with, and my only friends at work are just that -- work friends -- I don’t know if there’s any way out of this.
I really hope so. I’m 44 years old, I’d like for the rest of my life to not be like this.
