#please do not reply

[thestormwielder]

will be very inactive for the next unspecified amount of time

im fine

[thestormwielder]

am i too apologetic or too mean

or both

[kokinu09]

Even if I’m alone on this journey, I’m determined to prove I can be more than a one trick pony.

[pastelroswell]

1. I am alive, mostly happy, and doing well.

2. I have been inactive due to disinformation and my own traumatic experiences being spread about me among anti-LGBTQIA+ circles. It is highly likely that my ex is impersonating someone we both once knew just to spite me, as it follows their twisted narrative and includes things only they would know. They’ve been cyberstalking me for years, making fake accounts under false identities to talk to me, and stalking my family and friends, even doxxing my own mother. Some of the things said about me are true, most are half-truths or full fabrications. I plan to address this directly with my own evidence of the cyberstalking, address the false information and half-truths, and fully own up to the shit I actually did as a teen (the period of time discussed was from high school, 15-18 years old, although the vast majority was from before I was an adult).

3. I’m hesitant to come back and be active until I finish sorting out the above, as I feel uncomfortable with my trauma and past mistakes being out in the open right next to vile lies about me, since there’s no way for anyone to know what’s true except me.

I am addressing some primary concerns below, tw for sensitive topics including csa.

I am not a pedophile or a zoophile, and I never have been. In my adolescence I was groomed sexually by many adults from the age of 10, continuing into my teens, coerced into showing myself to these adults sexually (basically child pornography), and this caused me to be highly sexual in general and make some poor decisions in my lack of understanding that what happened to me was wrong and traumatic. I didn’t really put that together until becoming an adult. I should never have had such a strong sexual drive at that age, when I couldn’t even give or understand informed consent. I’m positive that this is due to the grooming and other forms of CSA that occurred. I was coerced into sexual activity with a 14 year old when I was 17 by my ex, who was probably actually a legit pedophile and a horrible person who twisted the entire narrative of our time together to paint me as abusive, when in truth they were abusing me. I know I can’t prove that. My ex impersonated the person they targeted by making fake accounts, and had “genuine” conversations with me about the event- the first thing I did was apologize and say that what happened was not okay, and we seemed to be on the same page. Of course, now I know that this was a lie. One of the primary reasons I believe my ex is behind this is that the person involved would not have done shit like that- hearing me express genuine remorse and then say I have no remorse. Only someone vile would do that, and that person was fully innocent in this situation. I understand my partial accountability for what happened, and if the real person affected is out there reading this, I’m sorry. I thought I apologized to you but it wasn’t really you. What happened should never have happened, I should have stopped my ex from grooming you, but I didn’t understand that it was wrong despite it feeling very uncomfortable to me for reasons I couldn’t yet comprehend. Also, I did once say something that could be interpreted as zoophilia when I was like 15, but that was due to general ignorance- I had no zoophilic tendencies and never felt attraction to animals, I was basically incorrectly referring to furry art. I am very much against pedophilia/MAPs and zoophilia, and I always have been, even when I didn’t really understand what those terms meant.

[thepinkjinx]

I’m frustrated

This is the biggest I’ve ever been, 3XL in shirts/dresses, 20-22 in pants. I don’t know how to dress this body. Everything (clothing wise) I like and that used to work for me doesn’t work for this body I have now. Idk what to wear and how to wear it well. Shopping, in store or online, is just depressing af.

I tried to say I’d sign up for a gym membership and go consistently but I stopped that about 3-4 weeks ago. It’s so annoying that losing weight is a 1-2 year process, it’s like being in jail.

This upcoming trip is supposed to be exciting, but how am I supposed to be excited when I can’t even find outfits for a 4 day trip? My wardrobe is already limited as fuck.

I’m tired of not looking, feeling, and being the person I want to be.

[sobeautifullyobsessed]

it is what it is

Heartbreak

Depression

uselessness

a failure even at the most elemental thing that I had thought I’d done a half-decent job of

[asriel]

I had a mini break down at work today and cried for like 5 seconds but HOLY this weird ass (seasonal?) depression got me like whoa. I got those lovely useless thoughts in my brain and I could feel myself getting numb and by lunch I was officially mentally clocked out of everything. When I got back from lunch I stopped by the restroom and I had this weird out of body experience where I saw myself but couldn’t really connect with what I was seeing? Like, I looked like me but for some reason I expected to see the emotion on the surface and when I saw that I looked “fine” I started to cry. 

Long story short I took a early break, walked outside to get fresh air and just did lovely coping techniques and was able to finish out the day but this was the first time I felt really all over the place all of a sudden and it was scary. I feel so drained and just want to sleep for days. 

[ambrose-vorassi]

For present and future members of our system:

There will be that feeling. That one. When you are reminded, after a while, that we've hurt people we care about, and that it's harder than ever for them to trust others because of our inability to step up. And then that moment of awakening for you that at least some of the suffering in our life is well-deserved, we just didn't put two and two together to recognize what it was for at the time. And then comes the fear that you're contributing, doing the same things to them, and so many other unfair and hurtful things, and that we're toxic because... we are. And we don't know how to stop. You are making it worse. And I have no wisdom to offer you. There isn't a cure that we can think of. But I can tell you that no amount of sleep, video games, therapy sessions, research, alcohol, or time, have taught any of us to how heal that yet, for either us or the people we've hurt. The only thing we can do so far is accept that responsibility, and not let people try to make us feel better about it, because we know we shouldn't feel better. If other people carry the weight of our words and actions, so should we. Just learn to be more aware, and don't ask for help when you feel like this. Because it's a necessary pain. We can never forget what we do to people. We want to do well and we want to help, but we leave hurt everywhere we go and dismissing that only makes it worse. Be better than me. -Ardee, the host