Tw: sexual mentions(masturbation), unhealthy coping mechanisms, self harm, sexual exploitation, mental hospitals, suicidal ideation and mentions of my abuser, please please please scroll if you can’t take any of this this actually my biggest warning yet, please don’t read ahead if you can’t take these topics, thank you.
The urge to relapse is so fucking strong, it’s like it’s screaming at me, begging me to give in, pulling me, clawing at my chest to bruise me and put me in so much pain I just let it back in to my soul, the urges man the fucking urges , recently, small things or just relating to things have sent me into a bad mood, recently I’ve been having bad nights, shit, I even cried earlier at the thought of a moot never talking to me again and had to go back to sleep. First time I’ve cried in months. I will let anyone abuse and mistreat me or walk over me yet cry the moment they try to leave (just talking abt the past), it’s getting so bad I actually might let myself get admitted despite all the bad things I’ve heard about mental hospitals. Maybe I’ll stay my 3 days then cut so huge that my mom has to send me back so I keep going back so I’m less ficked up. God I want to cut , I can’t FUCKKNG masturbate to cope cuz I’m cutting my ai addiction, which means I can’t use it anymore for anything , and I can’t bother my partner about it cause they are busy, plus they clearly haven’t been doing good too, it’s just a shitty mess. And my therapist noted that since I don’t have my mom for comfort, love or support then that’s why I turn to others for it , hence why I sometimes cling to relationships for that, because friends are too platonic for the love, comfort and support I need. I can’t fully vent to others because if i did, either I’d be seen as disgusting because I use masturbating for coping, sleeping for coping, and I isolate so much, I know what help I need but refuse it, I can’t beat my ai addiction but hopefully I can this time, but I also like to make myself worse so that one day I finally kill myself, and that therapy doesn’t help at all, and that I sometimes miss my abuser who sexually exploited me and manipulated me and yet I still try to stalk them online just cause I miss them that badly. My god the urge to relapse and get so fucked up. Because I am fucked up. And nothing really helps anymore. I’m failing all my classes, not doing good on state tests so far (at least in my opinion), pretending like everything is fine and just pushing away the fact I really need to seek help, and so much more. I wish I could really be locked in my room, sometimes I wish I could run away, sometimes I want to sneak out just so I can walk around freely. There so much I want to do, so many things I want to do to MYSELF. And it’s so clear that my thoughts of suicide are getting worse. I dunno man Im just so fucking tired and so fucked up and just a horrible fucking person for just existing. God I wish that when I was born I died. I wish instead of my older brother it was me that was the stillborn. I wish it was me instead of him. He deserved a life more than me. And I feel even more shitty because we forgot to celebrate his 15th birthday 3 days ago. And to that, I say to Micheal jr, I’m so fucking sorry man I should’ve reminded everyone, but fuck man it’s getting so much worse it’s actually never been so bad I missed my abuser, it’s never been so bad that I actually want to relapse so bad. It’s never been THIS bad. Never. I’ve even dropped my brother many times on his head on accident and did and still blame myself for anything and I literally broke down the first time I accidentally dropped him. My emotions are weird, either I’m very emotional, or I’m emotionless, the only thing that snaps me out of emotionless spells or wtv it’s called is either masturbation or just sitting with it. I’m just so tired of this life. I need a new one. Not just that, but also just a new family and a full restart on my life, just something. I truly don’t see a life for me past 18, shit, I don’t even think I’ll survive 14 at this rate, things are just getting so bad. I dunno I’m sorry I can’t finish this vent if I go any longer I’ll end up saying shit I’ll actually get yelled at over. (All I can say is that it was all cause of monkey see, monkey do. Only 2 ppl are even aware of it.)
