So, yesterday I realized
My heart is broken
I'm scared of love
I want it, but I can not trust it
I don't trust myself
I don't trust others
My heart is in pieces
Long before I met the person that broke my trust in others
I feel like a kid hugging its knees
I wanna cry, but I don't feel it's worth it
I wish I didn't.
And life is as it comes. So it doesn't matter how some days I wish I were asexual or aromantic or pansexual. Thinking like that does not help.
There is nothing left but the fear...
The fear of life, the fear of love, the fear of myself
Because I tend to feel guilty of what happended.
What guilt does a child has when their parent stabs them in the back?
It's stupid.
Yet... I'm broken inside. I'm scared. I'm hurting.
Not every second. No. Just when I think about love. I'm hurting when I think about love, when I read about it, when I watch a movie with love on it...
Love... what a joke. what a lie.
They tell us it should last for ever.
Love looks like a ten year long obsession. Real love at least.
Haven't seen a life long in love couple. Not once.
I hate that I crave it, I hate that I believe in that crap about it lasting for ever.
I hate that I don't really hate it. I hate that I have faith, that I have hope...
Hope of what? I hope for a lie? for a joke?
I don't trust in men. If I see one crying over some woman they claim to love the back of my mind suplies a "well, it must hurt to lose what made you feel good for a while..." It never is like it would be with a gay man or a woman crying over their partners, I never think "poor thing, let me hug you, everything is going to be alright, I know you loved them, but you will be alright, you have us"
And logically I know that that makes no sense. I doesn't.
So thanks dad, thanks society: I don't believe in the love of heterosexual men.