#solitude writes

[solitudeinthesky]

I really hate to sleep

Me, all the time, every night.

[solitudeinthesky]

I'm happy

[solitudeinthesky]

I don't wanna hear music after the deed nor while doing it I just need a post-orgasm playlist, that's all

[solitudeinthesky]

Gender identification and me.

Oh god, I wish I could tell people to just treat me like a male when I want to refer to myself as one because I'm feeling particularly masculine... But here no one know anything about gender identification and they like don't really care, I guess. I mean, people here are really conservative. Less than twenty years ago it was against the law to show male on male affection on the street. I think nobody really did care that much, just the police when they needed money from he tickets (kinda tickets) the could give people for that. Still... You can see it in TV, there are no homosexuals in soup operas that are serious and not some comic relief. And even less about couples. They are either funny or really tragic (still they don't get much time on screen)... Nevertheless, they are always a caricaturization. And that got old a really long time ago. So yeah, I think only I can make a difference by teaching my pairs what I know. Instead of waiting for some magic thing to happen. Sorry, I'm just complaining.

[solitudeinthesky]

So, yesterday I realized My heart is broken I'm scared of love I want it, but I can not trust it I don't trust myself I don't trust others My heart is in pieces Long before I met the person that broke my trust in others I feel like a kid hugging its knees I wanna cry, but I don't feel it's worth it

I wanna be loved

I wish I didn't. And life is as it comes. So it doesn't matter how some days I wish I were asexual or aromantic or pansexual. Thinking like that does not help.

What could ever help?

There is nothing left but the fear... The fear of life, the fear of love, the fear of myself Because I tend to feel guilty of what happended. What guilt does a child has when their parent stabs them in the back? It's stupid. Yet... I'm broken inside. I'm scared. I'm hurting. Not every second. No. Just when I think about love. I'm hurting when I think about love, when I read about it, when I watch a movie with love on it...

Love... what a joke. what a lie. They tell us it should last for ever.

Love looks like a ten year long obsession. Real love at least. Haven't seen a life long in love couple. Not once.

I hate that I crave it, I hate that I believe in that crap about it lasting for ever. I hate that I don't really hate it. I hate that I have faith, that I have hope... Hope of what? I hope for a lie? for a joke? I don't trust in men. If I see one crying over some woman they claim to love the back of my mind suplies a "well, it must hurt to lose what made you feel good for a while..." It never is like it would be with a gay man or a woman crying over their partners, I never think "poor thing, let me hug you, everything is going to be alright, I know you loved them, but you will be alright, you have us" And logically I know that that makes no sense. I doesn't.

So thanks dad, thanks society: I don't believe in the love of heterosexual men.

[solitudeinthesky]

So I finally know what tattoo I want, where I want it, which size I want it, Which color it'll be Just need to find the right artist :D!!!!

[solitudeinthesky]

So yesterday I was cat called a lot... a lot for me, thou. No one was really offensive or directly harassing, but why don't I, or anyone else for that matter, have the right to walk wearing a dress without some folk trying to make me feel conscious about it? ¿Por qué no puedo usar vestido sin que me toquen la bocina por la calle? Es un vestido, estoy segura de que han visto miles en la vida. Y aunque les paresca que es un alago (si bien es mejor que algunas cosas que te puedan decir en voces susurradas, llenas de asquerosos deseos dichos entredientes) sigue siendo molesto cuando solo ven un vestido y tocan la bocina. Uno se da cuenta cuando te miran a ti o a tu vestido. Let's be real. Y como dije antes, ¿por qué nos tienen que hacer sentir hiperconcientes de la ropa que usamos? ¿Han visto a una mujer tocandole la bocina a algun hombre por usar shorts? Y les aseguro que tenemos si no los mismos, más deseos sexuales que los hombres, por el solo hecho de que somos personas. O por otro lado, ¿han visto a una mujer gritandole a algun hombre por verse mal en la calle? Porque por alguna razón piensan que debemos vernos bien para ellos. NOTICIAS DE ULTIMO MINUTO! A nadie le importa si te gusta o no como me veo o se ve alguien más. Mientras yo me sienta bien con lo que uso, todo esta bien en mi mundo. ES MÁS, esto no debería nisiquiera ser tema. Para los hombres no lo es (a no ser que se esten arreglando para alguna ocasión o algo parecido. Aquí estoy hablando de lo cotidiano). ¿Y si un día una mujer se quiere ver masculina? OK!! ¿Y si un día un hombre se quiere ver femenino? PERFECTO!! Dejenme decirles que la mayoría de hombres que se ha puesto una falda quisiera seguir usandolas siempre. Dejen ser, nadie anda señalandolos con el dedo por andar con la guata al aire y la polera llena de manchas de aceite y ketchup. Ni por andar con pantalosnes y una polera. Ni con jeans y zapatillas (aunq los pacos digan lo contrario y piensen que son encapuchados ¿no?

[solitudeinthesky]

Solitude Writes 3

I have reached a moment where time, who has always been a factor, doesn't matter anymore. I refuse to let go of time, I want to feel it slipping by, getting wasted...

But the reality has hit me.

I don't feel time anymore. Been trying to sleep it off. Been trying to study it off, been trying to do whatever to don't feel the lack it, its kinda of own void.

I used to say "wow, I'm old!" Don't feel it anymore. I'm tired of my chains. I have outgrow them in a way, but I'm so used to them and so afraid of freedom, I guess, that I don't really want to completely let go of them.

But yeah, after so many years coming back to life... I guess I'm ready... I'm getting closer to the end of the way that has led me here. It's so close it scares me.

What scares me the most is that thing... That "I'm alone" in my own path. And I don't feel bad or afraid about it. You see, in my country the normal thing to do, to have, is a partner at any given time. At my age, I should be starting to look for a partner to have kids with. For the partner.

You know what I’m looking for right now?? I'm looking for a place to take some painting classes, and to learn to dance swing, to learn to play the drums or to sing right or do both for our new band, to be happy with me. Be happy on my skin, be happily in with me.

Be happily in love. period. Not wit some one. Not with an specific thing. No! I'm just in love.