well let me tell you a little story, our main protagonist is a little boy, who we'll call "J"*, now J was the youngest of his family, he was always loved, adored, given plenty of hugs and affection.
now J, as everything must, has grown up, by the time he reached his teen years, the only love he had, was that of his everloving mother, and he never really had anyone he could really call a friend, ofc, as he wasn't neurotypical, his idea of friends wasn't "someone you can talk to sometimes and don't hate."
now as the years passed by, and american culture being the most prominent, and local culture is only accessed irl, and not online. J started to see all those post about how "all men are monsters, rapists, pedophiles." and J was scared, afraid that that might somehow be his future, that he started to hate men, the very thing in a few years time he would be, for time these thoughts laid dormant, and away, as J realised, that it's an american/western prevalent issue, little did he know, what he discovered and so righteously believed as a child, will come back and make the women, then girls, of his age feel the same way, with no way to convince them otherwise.
but if we take it back, to the few years before that, J had an obsession with dresses and women's clothing being much more expressive than men's simple designs. and that decision, will make him think and wonder in the future if he was really "just a horny teen", envious or trans.
now J started being on social media, but having been taught the rules of the internet that has long been forgotten now, J assumed a monicker as well as not given his real age, and hadn't given any gendered thoughts. time pass and he was thought for a girl, now he didn't say anything at first, they were assuming, but "what if they knew something about me i couldn't see" J started wondering
having been treated nicely, after so long, and living nicely, J embraced that feminine identity, and started living as a trans woman, having fallen for the thought that if he must love the treatment, lifestyle and clothes, he must've been a woman. and she was living the life.
but after years passed, J doesn't really know anymore, was really what she feeling real? or is the aspect of being.. not emotionally starved, taken over what is real, and is feeding a fantasy, just to have.. more potential friends and people she can talk to.
now, J doesn't really know if the label fits her right, or even the pronouns, J is still comfortable, being the grown up version of whatever that little kid turned out to be irl, but he still likes the "woman"ly lifestyle, and really, he doesn't mind being a version of a "man", or masc irl to get things going, a feminine personality being behind doors, alone, or online...
J still wants the care he felt by being Her, but is afraid, that after laying herself bare, she'll be left, called a fraud, a lying schemer, and a fake.
