-"Yeneffer? Like Yeneffer Lopez from South Park?" -"I don't wanna learn to do Witcher Sense. I wanna see if I can have sex with her." -"Does taking stuff weigh me down? No? Excellent." *spends 20 minute stealing farmers crops for spells I don't know yet* -*repeatedly raises my fist to punch the people I'm trying to talk to bc I can't remember which button is to attack and which is to talk." -*runs into every man, woman, and child while on my horse, Roach.* -*Parkoured up a ladder not meant to be used by players* -*dialogue I made up between a girl sitting on the ground and guy whittling wood.* GIRL: paint me like one of your French girls. GUY: I don't paint. I whittle. GIRL: okay, whittle me like one of your French girls. GUY: that's what she said. HAYDEN: can you go punch some more peasants? This is boring. -*sees "talk peasant" option. Begins making up lyrics to Talk Dirty To Me.* -*goes to Quarter Master and begins renaming all of his items.* Hayden do I need this chicken nugget? What about this fruit rollup? Crushed kale? -*looks in my inventory* why do I have so many pinecones?! HAYDEN: it's from that guy's farm. He had a pinecone farm I guess. There's a reason he's still a peasant. -*regarding the pretty alchemist* ME: she wants the D. Imma woo her with all these plants I collected and then I'm gonna get laid. HAYDEN: you can't have sex with every chick you see, Z. -ME: Hayden! It won't let me beat up this peasant. HAYDEN: That's because you're supposed to be a good guy. You can troll for booty all ya want, but you're really just a good guy in the end. -"I MIGHT have a problem." -*gets frustrated bc I can't find the bracelet to kill a wraith* ME: Dammit, where is it?! HAYDEN: maybe check by the well. *circles it twice and then jumps in without inspecting it further.* -*sings Pony by Ginuine every time I mount my horse.* -"Dude, look at the drowner's dick! It's just like 4 spikes... Kinky?" -"Ooh! What's that?! Oh... It's just a rock." -*getting attacked by a bear* HAYDEN: You gotta dodge it. Hit circle. ME *aloud*: Uh... Circle. CircleCircleCircleCircle. Shit! CircleCircleCircle -*gets into fight with deserters. Can't remember how to draw my sword. Punches 6 deserters to death.* -"Can I cut these corpses down? *can't* Hey, Hayden! Look! Limbo, limbo, limBO!" -"You think I can make this jump? Too bad! I'm doing-- oh I died."
