seriously he's everywhere. on my facebook wall (picture with Grace Noh and Judy Hyeon) and at church and in my dream..... that dream was just.. horrible.
i basically had a dream a few days ago where i liked him and he thought i was a bit weird and avoided me (just the uge), and he was a player. he played around with Yeyoon, Judy, and Soo. i could somewhat be fine with Judy and Yeyoon partaking in such things i guess, but with Soo, i was just... when i saw Soo and him come out of Soo's room, i was a bit disheartened. i liked Soo too much to think anything other than that of her, and so i just though badly of him as i did before, but even moreso because he was doing this to Soo. she was so happy and cheery though that all i could do was let her go. i'm crying inside.
so i had a tiny bit of hope or err, more like wishful thinking that he would text me first over the weekend but obviously that didn't happen. so i texted him thirty minutes before the review session for linguistics. he didn't reply to me so i just went to the review session by myself. he then later texted me that he was at a review session for cs, which was nice. his text patterns are like mine so that's really cute. but yeah, i texted him back and he never texted me back and wow i don't think i've ever waited so long for a text message. every time my phone got a notification, i would get excited but just find out that it was something else and then get disappointed. i guess that's what it's like to have a crush? i don't know, this is my first actual time? except i'm confused about how to feel because maybe he actually is a jerk. but then again what if i'm accusing him but he's actually injured and lying in a hospital somewhere or something. or maybe his battery just died? ......sigh, my imagination gives me too many different ideas that i can't come to a conclusion. i'm just going to give myself the best thing for me and say that he's a jerk and try to forget. he probably didn't want to be my friend in the first place. you're still a butthole though.
on the other hand, i got an A on my linguistics essay so that's nice.
i went to Spanish lecture for the last time and it was chill with just presentations. i really loved the professor and so i almost cried when i realized it would be my last time in the class with her. she gave a really heartfelt mini speech as she was handing out papers about how she loved our class and wished the best for us and how she knew we would do amazing things.
then i went to my last philosophy discussion with my fave GSI so far, Austin.
then i got back to the dorms and i showered and got ready for my last linguistics lecture. i thought about whether possible dan would come or not, and i preferred to think that he wouldn't come because that way i wouldn't be disappointed. anyway, what was the likelihood that he would go to Friday lecture when he even missed Wednesday lecture? Cassidy did say that he would probably be there because it was the last lecture but i didn't know. i dressed semi-nicely (Mickey Mouse sweater, black converse, jeans, and black vest) and wore my green underwear (which i have now dubbed as my lucky underwear), and ignored all of my normal habits by telling myself to be a different, new, more confident person, that maybe this would help me. i noticed that he wasn't walking in at the same time as i was so i figured that he didn't and wasn't going to come. then i got into class and i saw that he was in class. i got really excited because that meant i still had a chance. today would be my last chance at talking to him most likely, although i did think that there would be a high chance that he would go to Monday review. i liked to think that this was the absolute last chance. the scenario was perfect as if i were supposed to talk to him. he was in the third row, edge seat, probably because there was a girl in the row that he normally sits in, although she was one seat to the right of the edge seat. so i sat beside her in the edge seat of the fourth row, behind him. i noticed that he got a haircut which was cute with his hair a bit shaped weirdly, probably from the way he slept or something. he looked back at the people who spoke behind him and maybe he noticed i was there? then i obviously couldn't focus on the lecture because i was planning all different possible scenarios of how i could initiate talking to him and which one would be the best and what i would say in the different responses he could give me. i also had to take into consideration that i had to turn in my extra credit sheet. i even thought maybe i could give up my extra credit for a chance to talk to him if needed but i figured i could work something out. so i decided on a plan. and all of it worked perfectly. i took into consideration that the girl next to me would probably want to leave quickly so i would have to get out of the way but it would be weird for me to go ahead to his row and stand by him and ask him to walk back together or to just wait there till he gets up. lecture was coming to an end and he started packing up so i started packing up too. he stood up to leave and so i stood up and when he turned around, i asked him, "hey, if you're walking back to the dorms, do you want to go together?" and he said with maybe a bit of hesitation, "uh, sure." so i said, "hold on" or "give me a second." and i ran up to the professor and gave him my extra credit sheet and exclaimed (probably in excitement of finally getting my plan to succeed), "THANK YOU SO MUCH." i meant it as a thank you for all the opportunities. omg. it was a thank you for everything, the extra credit opportunity, the wonderful class, for being a wonderful teacher, for letting me meet possible dan, for making all of these things happen. then i skipped back, weaving through all the people, and reached him as he waited a bit ahead. he was waiting for me oh my god just thinking about it makes my heart feel weird. then we got out of class and we started walking back to the dorms together.
me: sooooo, i only got to know your name, which i believee is Isaiah?
him: yeah. what's your name again?
me: jeannie.
he may or may not have repeated my name.
me: so are you a freshman (too)?
him: yeah. (i can't remember if he asked me back some questions but he did for the most part. and he didn't really initiate any questions.)
him: what's your major?
me: i'm still undeclared. what about you?
him: yeah, me too. (these may not be his exact words but they get the point across.)
me: what classes are you taking?
him: cs, physics, this class.
me: omg, you're taking cs?
him: yeah i think i might major in cs.
me: whaaat. (i stumbled with my words dammit). i heard cs is so hard here.
him: but i like cs so i think it'll be okay.
me: how did you find out that you wanted to major in cs?
him: i took cs in high school and i liked it.
me: oh that's cool. okay so what else are you taking?
him: a freshman seminar.
me: oh, which freshman seminar?
him: espm.
me: oh, are you taking it with..... oh what's his name..... (it took me a while to remember his last name.)
at this point we cross the road at a point that i had never gone before and i had never seen him go this route either. he was walking in a weird direction so in my head, i was just like what? where are we going? but i just followed his direction. we crossed straight across Kroeber Hall.
me: (finally remembered the professor's name) oh! Chapela. is it professor Chapela?
him: yeah.
me: oh, i'm taking his actual espm class. so you guys had the microcosm project too?
him: yeah.
me: what'd you do?
him: i actually didn't do it because it was optional for our class.
me: ohh, lucky.
him: what'd you do?
me: i grew mold, which was pretty gross but i mean, it worked out since something grew.
him: mm
me: what classes are you taking next semester?
him: cs, math 54, german r5b.
me: i heard math 54 is intense. i was going to take german r5b. how did you get in?!
him: i had an early phase i. like november 23.
i don't know if he can't walk straight or if i can't walk straight or something else but we kept bumping our arms against each other and i was screaming in my head.
me: wow. i can't remember mine. lucky.
him: what are you taking?
me: (i can never remember my schedule and of course not this time either.) another linguistics class.
him: with professor Johnson?
me: no, it's some other professor. i just heard this class is really easy and it covers the AC and a breadth requirement so yeah. and i'm taking a physics class. but it's with music.
him: oh, like acoustics?
me: uh, yeah i guess. anddd, i'm taking historical arts since i couldn't get into german r5b. and i'm on the wait list for econ, but i'm like a 106th so i don't know.
maybe he asked me about how large the class is?
him: my cs class has 1000 students.
me: what?! i didn't know there could be that many in one class.
him: yeah, it's the largest in (i forget what something Berkeley cs?) history.
somehow the conversation got to him saying...
him: yeah, in wheeler.
and i said something that didn't make sense. and he replied like jokingly mean like actual friends speak and i was like omg this is amazing.
him: because i'm in the class right now!
me: ohhh, i thought you meant for your next semester cs class.
him: no, the one i'm in right now.
me: ohh, i see. i haven't been in wheeler yet so i don't know how big the classes are.
then i don't know how we transitioned, but i asked him..
me: so where are you from?
him: L.A.
me: oh, i'm an hour away from L.A. in Irvine.
him: which high school?
me: Beckman. do you know it?
him: no. (omg so dumb.)
me: which high school did you go to then?
him: LACES
me: where?
him: LACES (i don't even know if that's right still).
me: don't know it. which area of L.A. are you from?
him: k-town.
me: oh, i figured. so you are Korean?
him: yeah.
i don't think i told him i was Korean.
i told him i interned at SBS broadcasting.
me: do you like it here?
him: (maybe a bit hesitant) yeah. do you?
me: yeah, i do. was it your first choice?
him: no.
me: then where?
him: i actually wanted to go to M.I.T. i got deferred in early action and then i got rejected.
me: oh, i'm sorry.... err, at least you like it here.
him: was this your first choice?
me: i honestly didn't think i was going to get in, but i did and so i just decided to come.
we were going to cross the street but the streetlight changed so we just awkwardly turned and kept walking on the same sidewalk. it was silent for a bit because we ran out of things to talk about. we crossed the street on the same side again.
me: so are you going to the yule ball? (it was that night.)
him: no, i don't think so. my roommates aren't going and do you know ___?
me: no.
him: oh, well he's (some descriptive thing sounds important) RA and he lives on my floor and he said that he'd only stay for 30 minutes and leave so it sounds like it won't be that great.
me: aha, that sounds pretty valid.
him: are you.
me: no, i don't think so either. my roommate isn't going so i probably won't either.
at this point we were reaching his leaving point. he turned to walk down the path and he maybe was going to say bye but i'm not sure, but i called out and basically made him turn back to face me.
me: hey, ...do you want to get dinner sometime? (i still can't believe i did this.)
him: (i honestly can't remember what he said. but it must have been along the lines of a hesitant yeah or sure. he just wanted to be polite, just like why he agreed to walk back with me in the first place.)
i didn't know what to do because i had never ever done this before in my entire life. i don't know how you get people's numbers????? and after a short pause (that felt a lot longer than a pause), i took out my phone from my vest pocket and turned to the contacts page and gave it to him. he took it and punched in his number. then i said something along the lines of thanks, i'll text you or something? i don't know. and then he waved bye maybe? and maybe he said see you later? and i said bye and i walked away. and i was smiling from ear to ear, grasping onto my phone. i got back to the dorms and i got into the room and i fell onto the floor and i screamed and called Rayna and told her the story.
i cannot believe i did all of this. i had planned and planned for months. it took me a month to talk to him after much persistent persuasion from Alyssa. then it took another month or two to ask him to walk back with me, which he replied with a rejection. then it took me another month to talk to him again and finally, all my delusional planning worked. at this point i had given myself this plan so many times that i just was able to somewhat pull through. the circumstances were just right. it was my last chance so i just decided, you know what. if i get rejected, that's fine because i probably won't ever see him again anyway. and if i don't get rejected, then hey, good for me, a friendship may bloom. i knew i would regret it for a good while if i didn't at least try because there was potential just lying there. and there was! i'm so glad i did it, even though it's horribly embarrassing now that i'm looking back on it. i talked to Rayna and Alyssa about it. Rayna told me, "i'm just pulling words out of my ass when i tell you to just go talk to him. i would never have been able to do that. never. wow, you're so brave. i'm so proud of you." Alyssa told me she would rather die than do what i did. i just talked to Kevin today (Saturday, the day after) and he told me that he can't believe i did that and that i'm embarrassing. he knows more than i do and he was like, "aw look at how much you've grown." and i said, "wow i don't want to hear that from you." but seriously, he was giving me tips, which were quite similar to what Alyssa told me so i mean, good job Kevin. and he told me what he thought about him after seeing his fb, which was pretty accurate so i mean, he's really on it. he said he looks like a jerk, LOL. i don't think he's a jerk, but he does give off a bit of a cold vibe. and that he's super popular, which he probably is.
that made me more intimidated because he's popular and now i know that other people definitely think he's good looking because Cassidy, Rayna, and Alyssa said that they thought he was pretty nice looking. i'm socially awkward. he probably doesn't want to talk to me. probably didn't want to walk back with me and definitely did not want to give me his number but had to because how could he reject this small little pathetic Asian girl who's desperately trying so hard. yeah, Rayna told me that he so knows that i'm into him. and maybe Alyssa said something similar to. someone also said that maybe that's better because guys or oblivious or something. i don't know. but even if i do never talk to him ever again, at least i finally accomplished something, i put myself out there, especially to someone i find intimidating, but i did it. i got his number and i am satisfied with that. Cassidy was also very happy for me.
i texted him like an hour later and he texted me back a half hour later. it was great. he used an exclamation point (i'm cry) and he uses apostrophes. i don't know what i should do next though. i realized i never planned anything else past getting his number. i joked about how i need another month to plan again, LOL. could be true. what do i do now? i think i'll text him about the Monday review session but i don't know. what if he doesn't want to talk to me? probably doesn't. i'm so awkward what do i do? dglhskdlfjdlgkshdlfkjglakhdflksjd;kfghadf
i was ecstatic the whole rest of the day. i couldn't wipe the smile off of my face.
Cassidy and i went on a walk through the drizzling rain and we visited Rasputin's cd/dvd store. i lost my ID card but realized it before i was too far from the store. we went back and to my luck, somebody had turned it in to the front desk. Cassidy had just lost her ID card a week ago.
then i went to bed early.
OH, AND IT WAS MOM AND DAD'S ANNIVERSARY SO IT WAS KIND OF CUTE THAT I FINALLY ACTUALLY HAD A CONVERSATION WITH HIM THAT LASTED PAST 30 SECONDS OH MY GOD. OH AND HE'S STILL SUPER CUTE SO YEAH. although his front view is definitely different from what i thought it used to be? or maybe it's not? i just don't get to see it enough i guess. but he's still cute. and he may have 2 moles on his left ear OH MY GOSH THAT'S THE FIRST TIME I'VE SEEN IT ON HIS LOBES. YEAH I'VE NEVER SEEN THOSE OH MY GOSH HOW CUTE I'M GOING TO SCREAM. and he looked at me during the walk back. and i'd look at him. and it was cold and just very nice. wow i'm so happy just thinking about it and i've been thinking about it all day today and i just don't know where to go from here. i'm at a loss. but a very happy loss.
oh and Cassidy said that she saw a fire truck and that luck was for me. i guess it really was!
i did all of these things differently (i forget what now), but i was totally prepared to go and talk to him because i thought it was going to be my last chance to see him. but he wasn't there and i was really sad because i probably wouldn't see him Friday.
so dad sent me that email which made me super happy. i also think my Spanish presentation went pretty well! i got some work done that i'm backed up on.
it was weird with linguistics lecture though. i went in right before lecture started so Qin and possible dan were already seated in their normal seats except Qin one to the right, so i sat in the second seat. possible dan still sat in the edge seat. i wasn't very nervous anymore with possible dan sitting behind me although i was a little self-conscious. lecture was pretty interesting because we were talking about how children acquire language. we ended lecture a little earlier so that we could do professor evaluations. i finished a little earlier than both Qin and him. i was a bit impressed that he actually took the time to write quite a bit since most of the class had left by the time i turned mine in. then i waited for Qin and i was basically facing possible dan and i think he might be conscious of me too but i don't know in which way, good or bad. probably bad though, i mean why would he be good-conscious of me. i probably creep the dude out.. anyway, it was awkward because he eventually went up to turn in his paper and i just stood there and pretended not to see him. I SHOULD HAVE SAID HI BUT I WAS SO CONSUMED IN THE THOUGHT THAT I COULDN'T TELL HIM THE ENTIRE CONVERSATION I HAD PLANNED OUT THAT I FORGOT I COULD JUST SAY A PLAIN HI. I'M SO DUMB. but yeah that was our awkward encounter. i was pretty determined to talk to him, especially cause my day had been going pretty well but i guess it just wasn't the right timing. maybe it's just our fate not to be friends or something. i'll try again Wednesday. it is my last chance after all.
i went to class, really having the feeling that he was going to be in class today for some reason. of course, he wasn't though because it's a Friday. he never shows up for Friday classes anymore. he obviously doesn't care about me at all, which i mean is totally understandable and expected, but i guess i just wish it wasn't that way?
then i had a dream later during my nap when i came back from class. we were on the same field trip or something of the like and he was really close to this other girl, but he noticed me and i think we talked and hung out a bit or something. i may have told him that i liked him or he somehow knew? or maybe not. i can't really remember much about this dream. i just know the dream didn't make me particularly happy (not that it made me unhappy either). i just would've expected that it would make me happy to have a dream with him acknowledging me, but i wasn't. i guess there just comes a certain point where dreams don't suffice? or i'm just in a weird mood. probably the latter.
i went to the bonfire for the big game with Cassidy, Sharon, Renee, and Michelle, but because of the winds, they cancelled the lighting of the bonfire. we then left the bonfire early and came up with crazy "add on a word" stories. it was great.
thinking about him makes me irritated, yet i can't help but hope that he'll finally accept some sort of casual proposal that i offer. please let it happen in the following week.
the wind is also super crazy and scary. it sounds like the ocean outside but also ghosts howling. the windows shake and sometimes i even think the room is shaking.
i saw two fire trucks on the way out of espm today, so i saw that as a good sign for either tomorrow or next Monday or whenever the next time it is that i see him. then later today Charlotte suggested that Sharon and i go to watch Ma Vie en Rose, a movie about a young boy who finds himself to be transsexual. it was an interesting movie, although i'm not entirely too sure how i feel about it. there was an unexpected raffle at the end and i told Sharon that i would win, but i was half-joking. and then he actually pulled out my card and i won the $5 yogurtland gift card! it was bizarre. there's just too much luck going on here. i feel like all my luck is going to come crashing down now.
so i was somewhat upset because of the whole possible dan thing and things not progressing even though i want them to and his disinterest in me, sigh. am i that gross and uninteresting?
anyway, so i took a nap and i woke up from a dream. in my dream, we were living in the same building and so we passed by each other multiple times and it was awkward. i think he knew that i wanted to talk to him or something. and then at the very end, we were in the elevator together with Cassidy and he was getting off the elevator to go to his study group and as he entered through the door, i got the sudden impulse to yell, "WE'RE WALKING BACK TOGETHER ON WEDNESDAY!" and he looked back or something but he definitely said something along the lines of "sounds good!" and i was so happy that i literally got on the floor and writhed around and rolled and yeah, it was great. i woke up pretty happy because heLLO THIS IS WHAT I'VE BEEN WANTING TO HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE. sigh. so then i somewhat regained hope and wanted to give it another try......
then, i went to the healthy relationships presentation to fulfill my requirement. whY SHOULD I GO TO THIS WHEN IT WOULD I'LL NEVER BE IN A RELATIONSHIP ANYWAY???? lol. not lol. heh. anyway, there was a raffle and i told myself, if i win this, maybe luck will be on my side and it'll be a sign for me to not give up, that maybe something could result from my efforts to creating some sort of friendship between me and possible dan, i dunno. and then... i won.... a $5 gift card to Jamba Juice.... IS THIS A SIGN? TELL ME, IS THIS A SIGN? i'm going to take this as a sign...... now i really don't want to give up. DAMMIT, POSSIBLE DAN. WHY DO YOU MAKE IT SO HARD FOR ME??? I DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME. jkay, you probably don't even know who i am other than as the creepy stalker. sigh.
also, i was in a good mood when i got into the elevator so i met this guy who i thought was pretty cool from the other times i've seen him interact with people. his name is Abdul, and if i'm right, he's roommates with fifth floor guy? but i at least know they're friends. maybe something could work from this? WHO AM I?
