I’m always reminded this time of year about where I was two years ago. I was somewhere way different physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I was hurting so bad. Feeling completely out of control and afraid of myself. As I write these words on the page in front of me, I question whether or not I’m being dramatic...but that genuinely was my reality.
If you’re reading this as a mom going through the beginning stages, or middle stages, or the “i don’t know if it will ever go away” stages of postpartum anxiety/ocd/depression...I’m your proof of healing. I’m your proof that there truly is an end in site...maybe you can’t see it....but I promise you it’s there.
I won the war with PPA/OCD. I lost a few battles, but I won the war. Listen up moms...and dads...because any new parent can be slapped in the face with this...you will be ok.
It was two years ago that I panicked in the kitchen while holding a knife and thinking a horrible intrusive thought of harming my child. At points like this, I ask new readers to please start from the beginning of my blog to get a full understanding of PPA/OCD. Never in a million years would I act on this thought, but the visual came into my mind. Two years ago, I was washing dishes with my baby boy sitting at my feet while I stood at the sink. A plate slipped through my hand and shattered into pieces on the floor right beside him. By the grace of God he was not hurt, nor did a single piece of glass touch him. But I panicked. What if I did hurt him? What if I’m capable of that? What if I lose complete control over myself and I harm my own child? That’s the voice of postpartum anxiety. The terrifying and unwanted images and thoughts that invade your mind when all you want to do is take care of your precious child. Those are the images and thoughts of PPA that steal your joy of motherhood. They steal life.
And then there were articles....so many articles flashing across my computer screen about moms harming their child, and how babies can die of SIDS...every day. They haunted my every day life. I couldn’t function like a “normal” human being. I had Postpartum Anxiety/OCD. Anxiety--Worry over things you can’t control...or fear of losing control. OCD--obsessing over these anxious thoughts and compulsively “coping” with them.
I don’t write about this for pity. I don’t need pity, nor do I want it. I’m actually really thankful for that season of life. I don’t want to repeat it, but there was a bigger purpose than just to make me miserable. Do I think God wants His children to suffer? Absolutely not. But does he use our suffering for His glory and to prove to us how deep His love is for His children? You bet. It was through my daily battle with PPA that I sought Him harder than ever before. I couldn’t get through my day without worship music, prayer or His Word. I quite literally relied on His word to help me through morning to night. Oh how I hated being awake, but oh how He showed up every single day.
So today I sit back and reflect on His love for me...for you...for all of us. I see the different women he has connected me to through the past two years. I see how He taught me humility by desperately needing help. I see how God showed me how incredibly flawed I am, yet His love for me is infinite. I see how if we are open about our struggles, and daily battles of the mind...others will feel more comfortable being vulnerable and willing to walk through life together.
I’m reminded today of two years ago and how hard it was...but how great it is now...I’m reminded that there was light at the end of the tunnel...and it’s ok to be broken. All of us are broken...and His desire is to pick our pieces up and put us back together.
