#posts about a

[storiesoflovelustandhim]

I want to put a collar on him and make him crawl on his hands and knees and whine for me but as friends #whatdatmean

[anxietydialogue]

19/4/2021 5.12pm

I've been having a lot of thoughts about A recently because she dropped one of those paragraph of feelings on me again recently, so time to talk shit to a secret blog again... in dot point!!

▪︎ I always knew we'd never work. I always saw myself in my shitty little New York apartment, then A jumped in and she was a part of it and that was her plan too, but... even back when we were planning it, I genuinely never saw her there with me. It was just me, never her with me. Should've been a sign, hey?

▪︎ She always wanted the 5 Year Plan (or was it 10 years?? Jesus.) but the idea of having any kind of far off future life plan straight up made me want to die. I remember explaining it to her one time that it made me anxious having the conversation, and her response just straight up invalidated me and proved she saw herself as more important to me. She went off on this big old tangent and ended it with, "and that's why I need it for my anxiety." There was never even an option of just... lessening it even. She wanted answers, she wanted a plan and fuck me if I wasn't going to give her that plan.

▪︎ She never would've been happy without sex, kids & marriage. I straight (straight, I say, in a sentence about gay sex lmao) up never saw myself having sex with her. Granted I can never see myself having sex with anyone, nor do I ever feel the need to do that, so it wasn't about her. But this is the person who always spoke so openly about how much sex she enjoyed and how good she was at it. The person who, after our "break up" decided to own her kinky sexuality by fucking random people, getting tied up and having an orgy. And you want me to believe she'd have ever been satisfied in a relationship with me? Actually, she might have been but the only reason that would've happened would've been because i felt bad and fucked her because I knew it was what she wanted from me. Healthy relationship. Then there's kids & marriage. She spoke about that shit the entire time I knew her, how she wanted a wedding and to be a mum, but I just... genuinely do not see that ever happening for me. Fuck, I can't even see a relationship for myself. And she knew that!! She fucking knew I didn't want that stuff, but that was always our plan for us. She never gave a fuck what I wanted, it was always her plan.

▪︎ I was never sexually attracted to her, even when she sent me classy nudes. I still remember that one time i was at the gym, on the bike thing, and A was taking a bath and out of nowhere she sends me pictures of her nipples in the bath... I remember being flustered, but literally just because I was in a public gym and there's suddenly a tit on my screen and someone expecting me to show appreciation or whatever?? God, it was so uncomfortable. Thank fuck we never spoke about it ever again. But supposedly I was dating this girl, and yet I felt nothing. I think she knew, too.

▪︎ Oh my god. Another sign. Back when she got her dog, she wanted my input on the name etc and I said to her, "It's your dog, not mine. I can't name it for you." and she went on about how this was going to be my dog too one day. Holy moly. She said that and to my core, with every fibre of my being, I just knew we're never going to live together. That dog was never, ever going to be "ours." Perhaps that's even why I never formed any kind of attachment/interest in her dog (aside from the fact it bit her, but that's just me being a cunt and I'm not allowed to be off about a dog that bites its owner, but whatever), because we had such opposing views; for A, that was our future dog, for me it was just... A's dog.

▪︎ I'm about 90% sure she fucked P after I left and I've never forgiven her for it, nor do I think I'll ever be able to.

This was meant to get it off my chest but it didn't work. Now I'm just fucking angry ahahaha. Jesus fucking christ I wish I had someone to talk to about this.

[anxietydialogue]

3/4/2021 - 4.35pm

I think I need to have a real talk with K about A. She's said before that she doesn't want to know about it if I'm friends with A again, and after how weird and uncomfortable things got when I told her early on for the sake of full disclosure, I've respected that. I don't mention A. But somehow, K keeps bringing her up and it's obvious there's an issue there but I don't know how to deal with it without K going defence mode and pretending it isn't an issue just to avoid the conversation.

It just seems like she keeps bringing things up & making comments after being the one to say she doesn't want to talk about A. Like today; we were talking on the phone and she asked if I'm talking to A still, I bring up the fact she's said she doesn't want to talk about it and after saying that makes her feel inclined to believe I am, it's okay etc and devolved into a big thing about how I abandoned her and that's okay because she wasn't giving me what I needed and all is good etc etc. She had no interest I'm listening, and I think this problem stems from the fact she's decided how things are from her perspective (which I respect, bc A did act like a mega cunt and hurt K big time - but what K needs to realise is they were friends for such a small period of time, but me and A were friends for years. Her few months or so is nothing compared to what I dealt with, but that's a whole other thing) and she's dismissing my experience in a way, almost as though she's being the bigger person after being hurt. But what it comes down to is that me & A were toxic and I was terrified of losing her. I lost multiple friendships bc of A; one's I'd had for longer than the one with K, so why am I still being guilted about this?

Another thing is how we didn't meet when we were both in New York. K has made multiple comments about this and how I said I didn't want to meet her, but you know what I said? I said it wouldn't be a good idea. Why? Because I was in another country, my first solo overseas trip and I had noone other than A. What would have happened if I said to A I was going to go spend time with someone she hated? What would have happened to me if she got angry and left me? I'd have fucking nothing and noone, literally nowhere to go because the only reason I was able to be there was because A paid to get me there. K could say I'd have a place with her, but that's unrealistic. We'd hardly been talking at that point bc K pulled away from me to pull away from A, so I couldn't exactly rock up at her place and be like, cool guess I'm staying with you for a few weeks!

I just think it's not fair that it seems to be constantly all placed on my shoulders when I laid it all on the table back when me & A stopped talking, but somehow it's just not enough.

I'm exhausted. I need to have that conversation but I'm fucking exhausted.

[anxietydialogue]

11/9/2020 - 4 30pm

I'm so fucking unhappy and I can feel myself crashing. Its been coming for the past week but things keep going wrong and the crash is coming faster and faster. And I just feel like I'm self destructing without any control over it. I can't control my reactions or hold back comments and its making people hate me. I haven't spoken to A in over a week (week ago last Saturday) because I told her that her way of thinking was melodramatic and unhelpful. And the fucked up thing is that I stand by that comment. Blaming the fucking moon for the fact you're spiralling out of control is a cop out excuse, own up to the fact your brain is fucking with you for fuck sake. But now I'm the cunt who didn't baby her and tell her she's not being irrational, all is okay etc etc. Whatever. The thing is, I'm used to living without her since the last time she fucked off, so I'm honestly not as upset as I once might have been. I'm bothered by it, the feeling of A once again being so good at discarding me, but I'm okay and if she doesn't talk to me again? So be it, I'll move on like I did last time. And then there's everything with K. Things just keep fucking up with her and I don't know how to stop it happening. I just feel like there's constant shit thrown my way and hell, maybe I'm just being over sensitive because writing is meant to be my happy place, but I can't fucking control anything that's going on and I don't even think I've done anything wrong. Okay, maybe I shouldn't have shared with K how upset I was since I know how sensitive she is about things? But really... isn't that what friends are for? Sharing how you're feeling, supporting you when you're going through shit? Well I don't fucking feel supported! I feel like a liability. I feel too much. And it makes me want to fucking disappear. And the J situation? The fact I'm being called 'mean' for some comment my muse made is a load of bullshit and yet another example of the fact I can never do anything right with K. It fucking hurts. All of it. I'm just so lucky L has stuck by me because I feel like I'm slowly losing everyone and being alone right now would be the nail in the coffin. I won't be writing in the group verse again. I'm not wanted, no matter how much K pretends I am. I just cause trouble by being there, regardless of the fact i don't mean to. Me being there causes arguments between me and K, so being there is a bad idea. I'll just keep writing with L. At least she doesn't seem to realize I'm not worth the effort yet. Anyway. I miss my therapist ahaha. Oh, I'm also scared I'm going numb again. It's like it's creeping at the corner of my brain, waiting to take over. Sometimes it does and I'm scared of it lasting. I hate when I feel nothing, it's worse than being sad. When customers come in I'm all fake smiles, happy happy and then they turn away and I feel all of it just drop. My face goes blank, I feel nothing, like I've been drained of it all and that's what happens before I go numb and switch off. I can't keep up the happy act and then I stop altogether. Even worse, people leave me when I'm numb. No one sticks by me because I'm Too Much. People barely like me when I'm "normal", it's no surprise they want nothing to do with me when they realize my mental health isn't just some quirky dark moments aha. I'm fucking exhausted.