#posts about j

[anxietydialogue]

11/9/2020 - 4 30pm

I'm so fucking unhappy and I can feel myself crashing. Its been coming for the past week but things keep going wrong and the crash is coming faster and faster. And I just feel like I'm self destructing without any control over it. I can't control my reactions or hold back comments and its making people hate me. I haven't spoken to A in over a week (week ago last Saturday) because I told her that her way of thinking was melodramatic and unhelpful. And the fucked up thing is that I stand by that comment. Blaming the fucking moon for the fact you're spiralling out of control is a cop out excuse, own up to the fact your brain is fucking with you for fuck sake. But now I'm the cunt who didn't baby her and tell her she's not being irrational, all is okay etc etc. Whatever. The thing is, I'm used to living without her since the last time she fucked off, so I'm honestly not as upset as I once might have been. I'm bothered by it, the feeling of A once again being so good at discarding me, but I'm okay and if she doesn't talk to me again? So be it, I'll move on like I did last time. And then there's everything with K. Things just keep fucking up with her and I don't know how to stop it happening. I just feel like there's constant shit thrown my way and hell, maybe I'm just being over sensitive because writing is meant to be my happy place, but I can't fucking control anything that's going on and I don't even think I've done anything wrong. Okay, maybe I shouldn't have shared with K how upset I was since I know how sensitive she is about things? But really... isn't that what friends are for? Sharing how you're feeling, supporting you when you're going through shit? Well I don't fucking feel supported! I feel like a liability. I feel too much. And it makes me want to fucking disappear. And the J situation? The fact I'm being called 'mean' for some comment my muse made is a load of bullshit and yet another example of the fact I can never do anything right with K. It fucking hurts. All of it. I'm just so lucky L has stuck by me because I feel like I'm slowly losing everyone and being alone right now would be the nail in the coffin. I won't be writing in the group verse again. I'm not wanted, no matter how much K pretends I am. I just cause trouble by being there, regardless of the fact i don't mean to. Me being there causes arguments between me and K, so being there is a bad idea. I'll just keep writing with L. At least she doesn't seem to realize I'm not worth the effort yet. Anyway. I miss my therapist ahaha. Oh, I'm also scared I'm going numb again. It's like it's creeping at the corner of my brain, waiting to take over. Sometimes it does and I'm scared of it lasting. I hate when I feel nothing, it's worse than being sad. When customers come in I'm all fake smiles, happy happy and then they turn away and I feel all of it just drop. My face goes blank, I feel nothing, like I've been drained of it all and that's what happens before I go numb and switch off. I can't keep up the happy act and then I stop altogether. Even worse, people leave me when I'm numb. No one sticks by me because I'm Too Much. People barely like me when I'm "normal", it's no surprise they want nothing to do with me when they realize my mental health isn't just some quirky dark moments aha. I'm fucking exhausted.

[hksodapop]

This time last year... I was dumped, broken, lost and angry It took one year and another abusive ex to teach me that I am strong I am okay I am worth more My sense of self is no longer tangled with anyone else I do things because they make me happy I am in a place where I feel safe in my own skin I am happy with the person I am working towards

[lady-chatelaine-archive-blog]

♕ ❖ ✘

➤➤➤“WHAT’S A 4TH WALL?” // Also known as Jackie reacts to J:

♕ what do they think of their mun?

“I think J is pretty cool, honestly, though she’s such a hard ass on herself and I think that is something a lot of people would agree with. She thinks too much and doesn’t really see herself the way other people do – and it’s kind of sad. J is so much quieter then I am and subtle, though I think her small gestures to people speak a lot more than her words do – and I don’t know people see that too much. She’s a sweet girl that just tries her best to make people proud and take care of them, at the expense of herself and if she can’t do that, she detaches herself from people – because she thinks it’s what works. It’s not something she’s really learned to control, so that’s why she gets so bad sometimes – because it constantly bites her in the ass. J just gives up too much of herself. Which isn’t bad – maybe – but she gives it to the wrong people, and it just burns her out. Her mom calls her a martyr sometimes because she invests herself too much in other people’s happiness, and for that comment – I think I would agree that she doesn’t have to be. She just willingly puts herself under the pressure she isn't meant to have.”

“On another note, she does admittedly drag me through so much bullshit and she enjoys it – but I know why. The situations are never ideal and much more so turn out badly, but she does it so I can develop and grow from it – which is something that’s just really important to her. Maybe because she thinks she can’t do the same, I don’t know. But I don’t know I could have asked for someone better to get me through these things, because they make life interesting – and she’s very supportive about it, because she knows it’s what’s best for me. I think despite all that trouble, it just shows that she really does care about people’s wellbeing, because she has a lot more faith in other people’s capabilities then her own. It’s why she likes positivity for people so much, but doesn’t know how to take any for herself. She just ends up crying when she reads them, and it hurts because she loves it so much but doesn’t know how to accept it too. I just wish she had as much faith in herself as I – and the people that surround her – do.”

❖ do they like the layout of mun’s rp blog? what would they change about it?

“Did you know it took her four days to put that thing up?” Hands clap together in amusement as she snickers, remembering the first few days she’d set up the new blog. “I love it. And it’s funny because her last layout for the other blog was terrible, and J was so adamant on making sure it was perfect by the time we launched this one. And at work, she’d be writing down keywords on photo’s she could use or scrambling through tumblr layouts when she’d get home just to try to find something that fit what she wanted.”

“She gave herself a seven day countdown but finished it in half the time with how determined she was. And honestly, I love the stars and the purple. And the photo she chose for the sidebar. I think it’s just really classy and goes with the overall mood so well. Unfortunately, that also means that we have no idea how to change it – because even if she wanted to update it, she’s terrible with coding and layouts and it’s just – she doesn’t know she can recreate something that’d look just as good as this one.”

✘ something the MUN has made them do/say that they didn’t want to?

There’s a cringe of disgust that crosses her face, and it’s echoed by the way she looks away – heaving a heavy sigh of barely restrained revulsion. “It’s not so much her fault, really. It’s just – the times we’ve done pre-established romance. Which was – twice. And it was something that we’d agreed to try to do, because that was the meme and we figured – you know. It could work. But then it didn’t, and instead of us taking the high road out, we kept trying for a bit – even if I was so over it by this point, I just wanted to end it. But J was concerned about the muns and how it’d react so she kind of pushed me to go along with it for a bit more, just so we could say we actively tried. It turned me into this really awkward and disgusting excuse for everything, I hated it so much. And after a while we were just – ‘okay, that’s enough. We’re done.’”

She claps a hand to her heart, shaking her head as she leans slumps forward in exhaustion. “I was so fucking relieved, finally.”

[lady-chatelaine-archive-blog]

2, 11, and 12

* Are there any plot tropes you are sick of/refuse to RP? If so, what are they and why?

I don’t really mind any plots at all tbh. I don’t think there’s been any I’ve rejected for the plot itself because I like horror and murder plots and everything, but there have been some that I’ve refused to do because I believe the mun mixed up the difference between me and Jackie, and some hit a little too close to scary for certain reasons.

I mean, I think you can tell at some point when people mix up the writing from reality and this one was just - not something I was comfortable with.

* What’s your biggest pet peeve when it comes to RPing?

Another one…I hate Mary Sues and the male version of that and the anti-sues. Honestly. It’s just - there are those characters that kind of build themselves up to be all knowing and they can do no wrong and then there are those that go all the way down and expect your muse to react well to it. Even when something is wrong, they make it so the rest of the world sees it as okay even when it’s not. Or just - they’re too perfect? And the muns brag about how they’re so perfect and I mean - describing them is great. It’s a need. But when you do it in a manner that’s just so - ‘she’s perfect despite all her flaws you have to remember that and just be lucky she gave you the time of day and make her feel loved like she can do no wrong’ - I mean ??? That’s not how things work??

I think that as a role play partner, it’s up to the other to describe what they feel about your muse rather than one dropping hints that they’re perfect. Because it means you got your point across and the other muse felt it. Because what’s perfect for you may not be perfect for another and just - describe it, but don’t do it in a manner that’s just so - god what’s the word…idek. I just, there’s a very thin line between building them up and bragging about their every aspect and saying they're virtually perfect okay??

* What’s your biggest pet peeve when it comes to the fandom you RP in?

I guess that’d be the OC fandom. None, really? Just a slight annoyance that I noticed before -  like how some  role players have cliques I guess that virtually make it impossible for anyone else to have a decent thread with them. Like, the muns will be very open about it but you can tell how closed off they are from everyone else. Which is cool, everyone has a preferred partner and a preferred group of friends. That’s not bad. It’s like being mutual only, it’s not bad.

But I think it just makes it hard to actually make friends when it comes to new roleplayers in the community when they want to get to interact with a muse - but the mutual roleplayer just doesn’t respond to that. Like, I think that’s the hardest part? When you’re mutuals but your mutual doesn’t respond to you or even acknowledge that you want to interact so it kinda feels like you’re barking up a door that won’t open. It can be very secluding sometimes and I think they’d just end up feeling like a bother on the dash board or like there’s something wrong with their writing or muse. I just think people should be given a fair chance, or like if you aren’t open to that, just tell them and let them know because otherwise it can make some people way more anxious then they need to be and they’ll think that people are only following them just because. 

Which is like…+1 on the follower thing and I think that kinda makes someone feel bad. 

[lady-chatelaine-archive-blog]

4 // 11

Have you ever dropped a thread because someone refused to ship their character with yours? If no, have you ever dropped a thread for another “unpopular” reason and if so, what was your reasoning?

No, I’m very wary with ships tbh. Jackie isn’t one to crave them too often, so if she doesn’t like them and she feels they don’t like her, it’s not an issue. However, I have dropped a thread because there was one ship I had where the others muse had gotten too OOC for me. It was a canon character and even though I did understand that someone’s view of a character can change on their perception of them - this was one was remarkably out of it in my opinion.

It seemed more like the character had only been created to ship with everyone, even if the characters themselves weren’t like that. But I think that’s generally okay so long as it’s done right. I’m not sure if it wouldn’t have been so much of an issue if they hadn’t done it in a manner that it felt like force shipping, like Jackie was getting so turned off by the blatant rudeness and was showing that displeasure, and yet they still expected her to still be subservient to it all.

What’s your biggest pet peeve when it comes to RPing?

I hate when people assume how a plot will go directly in their favor, especially in combat threads. I mean, I’m very open to conflict and inflicting pain on my muse. But if there’s an instance where Jackie just gains a bit of an advantage, I’ve had those moments where people have come up to me rationalizing how that’s ‘not supposed to happen’ without discussing it with me first. Generally this comes up with plots that aren’t discussed and the other assumes that Jackie is supposed to just lay down and take it and they walk away the victor.

Like you know - I’m okay with that outcome. But Jackie isn’t the type to lay down and be a rag doll. So if she causes more than a bit of a headache, there’s a reason for that. She’s not your average mortal, and she has her strengths and weaknesses - the way I would assume the other would have as well. It just pisses me off when they come whining about how things just don’t go their explicit way, like they control it to the point that it restricts my own writing and my own muse and any advantage turns them off - and then they get pissy with me for my muse acting how she would normally react and they go ahead and drop it.

I’m just ????? Don’t ??? Do that ??  To me ???? She has a few pages on her abilities, please don’t assume she’s a weakling??? Like, yeah she maybe gonna lose but she not gonna take your shit lying down like don’t do that to her and come to me whining about how I ruined the plot when we never even discussed it. Please. It’s just annoying. 

[lady-chatelaine-archive-blog]

7, 9

This is really long, I’m sorry. 

List three honest flaws your favorite character has and talk about how those flaws make them problematic.

I’m going to go ahead and use Jackie for this because I don’t know I have one real overall favorite character. Or at least I can’t remember them at the moment tbh. For Jackie I would say she’s got the following flaws: overtly emotional, too optimistic and insecure.

For overtly emotional, I would say she doesn’t quite think things through. Whereas someone else would generally use their head before doing something that may ultimately get them killed, Jackie goes by instinct and trusts that to get her through her problems, doesn’t matter what the hell it is. Jackie doesn’t take ‘no’ for an answer - which should be good sometimes, but it’s also incredibly stupid and can get her killed someday because she gets stubborn and doesn’t listen to reason. Words come out without meaning to, she rushes into bad situations she should stay out of - there’s too much regret afterwards. It causes problems both for her and for whoever gets caught in it which is something that kills her when things don’t go as she’d expected.

Overtly optimistic I think is a bad thing, because it makes her naive. Not the 'I’m gullible and gonna follow a stranger into a dark alley because they have candy’ kind of naive, but it makes her too trusting and she gives people chances that they may not deserve. She allows herself to believe that someone is good and worth it, even if she knows there’s a very real chance she’ll end up hurt. Jackie knows the risks of being with certain people, but she believes that maybe she can do something to keep it all together, even when it hasn’t turned out well for anyone else. This leaves her open to heartbreak and pain, but if she cares for someone enough -  it’s something she’ll bear with a fake ass smile because God forbid anyone know that she’s hurting.

Oh shit, she’d be terrible in an abusive relationship.

Jackie’s insecurity is one that’s made of bigger things than just 'I hate how I look’. I think it’s got something to do with how most of her peers rejected her as a kid, that she got to looking at her traits as bad and trying to control them in a manner that she’d learned was what people wanted. They wanted someone outgoing and someone that was always dependable and had it together and had something incredible to offer, which is something that’s plagued her because she doesn’t have that to the degree she thinks people want to see. To her, she’s always just been average as most everything, while being downright terrible at others - while everyone else seemed to always excel.

It’s why she tries so hard to prove herself, but then it just kind of ends up fumbling in her face because none of it is good enough for her standards. So she’s takes criticism pretty seriously - because she wants to be better for people. Which also means even if she likes to think that she doesn’t care about what people think of her, if it’s someone she cares about - she will always be looking for their approval, always be looking to make them proud and make them happy - because then that’s the only way she feels she’s a good person to be around, that she’s useful and not a waste of time and space. Which is pretty bad, considering that means she will always, always be looking for approval and her idea of self worth will be dependent on that persons view of her.

This has happened before tbh. It wasn’t pretty.

What has been the biggest mistake you’ve made since you started RPing?

Allowing myself to get drawn into a friendship that was abusive because I idolized a roleplayer too much. I’d just started out and I loved how they wrote and how they were popular but they chose to write with me and I was honestly so happy that I was their role play partner and their friend, that I wanted to keep that friendship strong. It was a friendship of reverse psychology and one that had me questioning constantly whether I was good enough to write with anyone - because I always seemed to be doing something that would ultimately hurt them and their muses, even if I hadn’t meant to at all and it was starting to go in irrational directions. If it wasn’t Jackie doing something wrong and having to fix the problem in a thread, it turns out I’d said something that was taken in a completely different context and it’d leave them feeling like I was attacking them or leave them depressed because my small bits of happiness was bad for them because they were in a bad place, and they seemed to be happier when I was complaining about something too.

Because then they could say that their situation was worse.

I ended up having to consistently watch what I said and have to hide most of my feelings from them because I wasn’t sure what would trigger them - so I turned into someone else without meaning to. It turned into one of those things where if I was actually making friends on tumblr, it would make them feel like I was leaving them behind, so I had to distance myself so I could make them feel like I was consistently by their side. I had to always praise them to give them validation while receiving criticism that in my head I had turned into 'I need this to get better’ even when the criticism wasn’t quite so…fair anymore. It was Jackie that was always wrong and I was always wrong and we both had to keep up to their perfect standards even when at some point, it’d turned into something that was too self serving for them. It was in that relationship that Jackie’s insecurity got worse.

I used up so much time catering to them that I’d sheltered myself away from everyone else (even IRL) and my days consisted of always needing to make sure they were okay, and my friends hated them like hell because one of them said that I was always, always crying whenever I talked to them but I was so brainwashed into thinking that 'it was okay.’ That I didn’t listen to their advise to leave. Until I finally did.

In other words, I’ve learned to never like someone’s writing so much that it gives them that leeway to ruin me again if they wanted to, or to ever allow myself to be that crutch for someone that they depend on me to the point that I’m not me anymore. I think I’ve learned how to be more myself and not have to depend on someone else to give me that validation, because it gives them more power over me than they should.

[lady-chatelaine-archive-blog]

The rules are simple, post ten characters you’d like to roleplay as, have roleplayed as and might bring back then tag ten people to do the same ( If you can’t think of ten characters, just write down however many you can and tag the same amount of people ).

TAGGED BY: @thexintrepid (thank u !!) TAGGING: @fornaxa @kaito-squad

Would Like to Play:

1. Neko – K Project

2. Shiki Misaki - TWEWY

3. Hilda - Pokemon

4. Trentini – Ragnarok Online

5. Minako – Persona 3 

6. Honey Lemon – Big Hero 6

7. Yona – Akatsuki no Yona 

8. Emilia – Bitchy OC in my head that’s Jackie’s childhood bff, ice skater/dancer/spoiled brat bitch – she’s lovely

9. Misty - Pokemon

10. Lili Rochefort - Tekken

Have Played As

1. Jacqueline Dulcet

2. That’s a short list

Might Bring Back

*shruggy shrug shrug*

[lady-chatelaine-archive-blog]

tagged by @fornaxa​ (thank u!!)

tagging : @sylentee @silvxcs @albitails @unxpapillon @thexintrepid​ @bathed-in-red​ @kaito-squad​

NAME 5 DIFFERENT OTPS FROM 5 DIFFERENT FANDOMS. TAG 10!

Fairy Tail (Lucy and Natsu) 

Final Fantasy 7 (Tifa and Cloud)

TWEWY (Shiki and Neku)

Bravely Default (Edea and Ringabel)

Avengers (Natalia and Steve)