Nov 16, 2018
me at work, having a panic attack in the stairwell and feeling very guilty about it: is this "cringe"? is this what angry 13-year-olds would put in a video with "cringe" in the title?
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me at work, having a panic attack in the stairwell and feeling very guilty about it: is this "cringe"? is this what angry 13-year-olds would put in a video with "cringe" in the title?
not at all a controversial opinion, but i’d like to point out that i’m a little bit garbage because I take what I can get. like, so the other day I was in a public bathroom and there was a pretty long line against the wall behind me while I was at the sink washing my hands. in the mirror, I kept seeing someone staring at me, clearly trying to figure out if I belong or not. I felt bad about this, but also like... like 19 people outta 20, for whatever reason, didn’t even give a shit they were in there with me? I dunno if they were all inebriated and this person was sober, I dunno if they were just making a point of being less rude but after leaving the bathroom, even though I still felt kinda weirded out, I was still like “wow, okay, that coulda gone worse and it didn’t”. but now I feel bad remembering this because something still sorta went wrong, in that someone in there was clearly very bothered by my presence and felt that I was outta place. so like... maybe i’m sorta trash for just sorta accepting it, if not celebrating it (not that facet of it, but like being comfortable with the other 19 facets)? I mean, I deserve better - we all deserve better, we deserve not to be questioned, even subliminally or “just” through body language, at all -, but I've just kinda given up. this is as good as it’s gonna get for me, y’know? so, to that one person, sorry I Marilyn Monroe-walked my gratuitous hips and ass in there and accidentally made eye-contact with you in the mirror in a way that let you see my hairless face, but this is just how i’m stuck right now. and i’m sorry i’m stuck like this for right now, i’m not happy either, but here we are.
and, to the other 19 people: it coulda been worse - it coulda been so much worse -, but it wasn’t. so thank you.
fucking up at a place you need to go to for the rest of the foreseeable future is probably the worst. like, I can embarrass myself in front of the clerk at CVS all I want because fuck it, if I tripped over my shoes or said the wrong thing that hardcore, there’s always walgreens or rite aid. but like... really no do-overs at places like work. the only other branch of one of my workplaces is in japan, I can’t just request a transfer to japan because I accidentally walked in on someone using the bathroom or something. and as for my other workplace, it’s the only one. i’m gonna have to keep fucking up, keep wanting to fade off the face of the planet, and keep showing up anyway.
me to me, realizing the coffee shop employee accidentally forgot to give me part of my order: I am NOT gonna be the type of person who is so reliant on not being seen as a bother or a jerk or just an all-around bad person that he won't even politely ask if it would be okay if he got the thing he paid for, just in case that's what tips this person i'll never see again over the edge into hating me for all eternity.
narrator, after an immediate jump-cut to me leaving the building with only half of my order: but he WAS that type of person.
okay, so I voted. I wrote out part of my thesis. I served my purpose. do I have to keep living anymore? i’m just so done.
today hasn’t been a very good day for me emotionally - but it isn’t over yet! coming up, 5 hours of being genuinely terrible at customer service!
my anxiety and my borderline brain don’t allow me to just take a day off from work or switch shifts with someone, i’m constantly worried that I have the times and/or dates wrong and I end up texting the other person like “hey! just double-checking” like at least once or twice. because, if I come in late, or come in looking like I wasn’t planning on being there today, or if I miss a day, then that makes it look like i’m not the best, and one single slip-up is, in my mind, punishable by death.
it’s very true that mental illness is by no means an excuse to treat people like shit, but it’s also very true that this may be a difficult statement for people whose ideas of what it means to treat someone like shit may be warped through abuse and so on. for example, throughout my life, I've been shamed for crying: not fake-crying to manipulate someone, not crying to “““play the victim”““ and elicit sympathy I didn’t deserve, but like genuinely crying because I just couldn’t hold it in any longer and that’s how my emotions manifested in a particular situation. so now, whenever I feel crying coming on, I have this moment of “will this be perceived the wrong way? can I possibly hold it in, in case letting it out causes the other person/people to disregard my stance/presence in this situation any more than they already have?”. I've been taught that crying - genuinely crying, just expressing real emotion in a way that’s beyond my control and not actually hurting anybody (except my makeup usually, but whatever) - is a sign that i’m treating people like shit.
so be patient with people who have to unlearn these types of messages and learn to love themselves and honor their own emotional responses like this, like I have to. crying in public isn’t treating other people like shit, even if you’ve been told it is. asking for help when you’re struggling isn’t treating other people like shit, even if you’ve been told it is. explaining to other people how your mental illness manifests isn’t treating them like shit, even if you’ve been told it is. i’m not saying it’s not important for people who actually have treated people like shit in the past to unlearn their shitty behaviors and try to make amends for that, that totally is important; i’m just saying that sometimes people have to unlearn treating themselves like shit, which can include internalizing these negative messages put out there by people who want to disregard our experiences as mentally-ill people and keep us from accessing any form of help/care we feel drawn to for whatever reason.