Okay, so I am codependent. Now what?
Itâs been a while since I last posted here. Partially because I was labouring on a particularly venom-infused topic of God and his abusive attributes.
Every now and again I indulge in feelings of anger towards my heavenly father an much as my earthly old man. This type of thing can become a prison cell where you end up re-living the pain time and time again. So I am choosing not to. Instead I decided to share practical actions that help me counter codependent behaviour.
My approach to healing from my affliction is
1. Acknowledge presence of a problem.
2. Seek help of a therapist to help identify issues.
3. Go back in time to understand the reason why the issues arose. The root often lies in childhood.
4. Be compassionate towards your parents if you can afford it. You can either seek reparation or further confirm that you donât want contact with your parent(s). I did both things (one for on parent and another for the other parent)Â and it worked for me.
5. Work on your core. No, not the abs:) Establish your likes, your beliefs and values. Get to know the type of person that you are when no-one is looking. As your sense of identity strengthens, your persona will begin to peel off. It might be difficult for you and those who are used to that persona, to accept change. If need be, change your circumstances. I left an unfulfilling relationship, moved from London to a sleepy Kentish village and am as happy as a clam at high water.
6. While it is important to go through step 3 of this algorithm it is crucial that you donât ruminate and dwell on the past. There are different types of therapists out there and my experience is limited to work with transactional analysts. It is tempting to cling onto the same event and recreate your martyrdom in your mind repeatedly. It does no good, but only reinforces your identity as a victim. You really want to depart from that notion. Open the wound, extract shrapnel, clean the wound, close the wound, heal, donât pick at it.
7. Feel emotions. In the first few months of living by myself I cried every other day. The littlest thing would trigger me off. I also chortled like an idiot. Danced in the street and sang. I screamed in a nearby field and punched the soil tearing clumps of grass in the process. All of these primitive gestures are lessons in feeling stuff. Codependent folks arenât great in defining emotions and acknowledging them. Sometimes, I would be mistreated on Monday morning and get to feel it on a Thursday night. It would be like an epiphany âHoly crap! I am not okay with this!â
8. Which brings me to being assertive. If someone erodes your boundaries, push back. You donât have to be aggressive or get overly defensive. Stay calm. If the person doesnât listen, repeat what you are saying calmly until you have their attention. If the person continued to violate your boundaries advise them calmly that you will not put up with this behaviour. If that doesnât work remove yourself at once. You donât need this person tight now. Example: I was at an office Christmas party, I was mingling with various people and ended up talking to a couple of senior managers. We got talking about culinary scene in Dublin. I said that in my opinion Dublin restaurants are better than London ones. I was laughed at. Remaining calm, I asked to be heard. They continued laughing. I calmly stated that I would like to be able to voice my opinion without being ridiculed. Once they stopped I continued with my point and had them agree that it was valid. Three months ago I would have allowed them to laugh at me and maybe even chuckle at my own stupidity because menâ s opinion has always held more value in my eyed than my own.
9. This will sound like a contradiction but it is important that you donât react as much. Codependents are particularly reactive (especially active ones). We might react defensively when we perceive criticism. We might react passively when approached for a favour and then regret agreeing to help. The two examples of such behaviour are:
     1. Your boss informs you that you will no longer be in charge of a particular project at work. Maybe something youâve been doing for years. Your defenses are up! âWhy?! am I doing a bad job?â. What you donât get a chance to hear is that your boss sees your potential and wants to develop you in other areas. Taking the repetitive task that youâve mastered off you will give you more time to learn new things. See?
   2. A colleague asks to help out with an urgent project. They are being super nice about it, and you consider this person a friend. Fearful that you will lose their friendship or come across as unhelpful, you agree on the spot. Moments later you regret the decision as your own workload suffers. You deliver on time but you had to stay late that night and your stress levels are up. Your own projects suffer. You have a meltdown and become ill.
In both cases your lightning speed reactions would let you down. There are a couple of reasons for these speedy decisions to happen. First, it is a childhood habit. Children are very reactionary. Adults contemplate more. Secondly, it is a template you know so well, because youâve been using it all your life. To address the hot reactionary side of you, try to take a few breaths before firing away. Perhaps, you can say to the other person âI need to think about thisâ before agreeing to something. The world will not reject you because you say No every now and again. And donât lose your composure. If you do, you give out an insecure hesitant vice, and you want to be taken seriously as an adult.
10. Donât self-deprecate. Itâs not endearing. Itâs annoying and sets your value low in the eyes of others. Worse still it devalues you in your own eyes. Instead build yourself up internally.
11. Stay away from mind-altering substances. Stay away from people who enjoy taking them. I can personally tell you that very few genuine friendships are forged in the pub. People under the influence will disclose very intimate things. This kind of bond occurs only because they are intoxicated and uninhibited. You would not bond with the same person in a more sane environment. Besides, you only increase your chances of finding another project to be in a relationship with. Stay away from the pubs.
12. Become the person you would want to date. Are there any particular talents or qualities that you admire in your romantic partners? Maybe you like a guy with a guitar? Well, go out and get a guitar. Learn to play it. I got mine for a tenner at a charity shop and am learning to play it through Yousician App. If you admire strong willed people, get coaching to be more assertive. Put yourself OUT of your comfort zone, because thatâs where growth happens.
These are the practical steps I took for myself and I can see the glimpse of the real me. Now, it is important to state that I am not exorcising myself as an imposter. I am not uncovering myself as a fraud. I am uncovering what I like. Because I am of opinion that the real you is made of your likes, dislikes and passions. You see it in dementia patients; their hobbies still bring them joy even when the illness erases so may of their memories. Some still find their spouses irresistible, not knowing or remembering that they are married. Thatâs because your personality is older than your first memory. And if there is such a thing as a soul it would be that.
