My big fat codependency journal

Hello, my names is Alex and I am codependent.

[notfinebutfine]

[notfinebutfine]

If you want drama, go the theatre.

Sean, my first psychotherapist

[notfinebutfine]

Same furnace, two very different alloys; Active co-dependents and passive narcissists' similarities and differences.

I am what is called an Active Co-Dependent. I am vocal about perceived injustices in my relationships. I nag. I drum in the point until chickens come to roost. In fact, I act displeased so often that to a casual observer I can easily come across as the narcissistic partner in the relationship. At a glance the similarities between Active co-dependents and Passive/shy narcissists are striking. There is little wonder we share similar traits. After all we share the same background. Same conditions. Same formula. Heck we even pair with each other! As they say, "god makes them and then he couples them."! Right? not really... So what is the key differentiating between these personalities?

To better understand the difference between these two maladaptive types of people let us get to learn and accept our similarities and our differences.

First similarity is that we both feel innately unlovable, deficient and/or empty. Neither seem to have a sturdy sense of self and swing between feelings of greatness and worthlessness like a pendulum.

Both seek validation from outside sources. We want to be liked. It's vital to both the narcissists, whose inner voices brutalise them every waking moment, and the co-dependants, who engage in a quid pro quo transaction of pleasing others expecting in exchange love they so desperately crave.

Both engage in duplicitous and/or manipulative behaviour. Crucial distinction is in the motivation powering this seeming lack of integrity and shallow charm. Narcissists do so because they don't care. Co-dependents, because they do. Co-dependents are afraid to jeopardise relationships as we frequently underestimate others' ability to handle the truth and stay with us. For a narcissist a relationship is a means to an end. To a co-dependent it is be-all end-all. Tragically neither sees love as a gift bestowed "just because". Whereas co-dependents jump through hoops for scraps of affection, narcissists operate by "take all, give nothing back" credo.

Both are reactive with actions being largely dictated by their emotions. "If it feels good it must be good.". Conversely both participate in self loathing activities such as self harming and substance abuse, which largely serve to distract from internalised feeling of agonising pain.

Both personalities initiate turbulent relationships and become bonded extremely fast usually between themselves. This bond occurs at a neck breaking speed and is solidified before any genuine feeling of love and mutuality has a chance to set in. Idealisation marks the beginning of courtship (and as great as it sounds) is a traitorous path to pursue. Pedestals are not meant for humans and once you are divinised the only conceivable way for you to go from there is a painful tumble down. This happens because both partners (usually a narcissist and a co-dependent) fear that as time passes, more and more of their true selves will be revealed and the other partner will withdraw disappointed at what they saw. Fast bond secures the eager lover before meaningful connection can actually take place. Invariably both partners feel cheated when the other fails to live up to their very high expectations. Frequent bickering, complaints, wrath and even violence ensue.

Both have poor understanding of the boundaries. The narcissist on the offensive and the co-dependent acquiescing without so much a pip of discontent. The two enmesh effectively "joining at the wound". To put it bluntly the narcissists don't care about our boundaries and neither do we.

Active co-dependents can be controlling just like their narcissistic counterparts but control is usually exercised on small scale and often is limited to circumstances/environment. Narcissists don't stop short of domineering people.

Another common trait is childlike self-centricity. Both narcissists and co-dependents think that people keep tabs on them, talk about them or judge them. If called to a team meeting at work, where the management address inefficiencies within the department either personality will feel the need to justify/defend themselves feeling guilty or even attacked. Everything that happens carries a personal meaning. As a co-dependant I can tell you that my parents' divorce feels 100% my fault and I should have prevented it even though I was 8. My partner's foul mood at the end of a hard day at work MUST have something to do with me and I CAN correct it! A narcissist will rage at his girlfriend for playing her favourite song because she is secretly mocking him with the lyrics and the arcane meaning that was destined for his ears alone. By the same logic she deliberately changed the microwave setting from the usual one to mess with him. If she tries to convince him that it had nothing to do with him he'd destroy her in an argument so epic, she'll think twice the next time she thinks to slight him.

So with the same background and similar coping tactics how come the two are so different? Why do active co-dependents enjoy better mental health and are much more likely to seek psychological help? In my opinion all boils down to empathy and emotional prowess. Co-dependents have it. Narcissists don't. A co-dependent will seek to fulfil just about anyone else's needs before they give theirs a though. A narcissist will fulfil their own needs/wants first, second and last. While our attempts at love oftentimes are misguided they remain attempts at loving someone else. A narcissist will never know the joy of loving someone. They don't know how to. Our empathy and ability to read others made us more prone to pleasing others even when they are harming us. A narcissist sees the whole world harm them. Their corrosive essence fails to adopt another point of view because in the narcissist's mind the entire world is a brutal and cruel place. And if they seek to take advantage, use, abuse and destroy the "weaklings" so must the rest of the human population. It is only logical to them. 

In order to avoid pairing with a narcissistic type it is important to ditch the vestiges of childhood survival strategy and reclaim your grown-up integrity. A good therapist can help you find and embrace the heart of gold you so carefully preserved. Now is the time for it to shine. You will be surprised at how strong your core self really is once you peel away bullshit habits. You can do it! After all you're the stronger of the two alloys!

Take care

xx

[notfinebutfine]

[notfinebutfine]

The covert narcissists: how to find them out and get out.

When someone says the word “narcissist” most people will picture a boastful hedonist, a woman enamoured with her own appearance, a successful surgeon who despises his/her peers and patients, the Dorian Greys, the Neros, the Cersei Lannisters of this world.

What if I told you that there is a strain of narcissim that is nothing like what you imagine? It’s every bit as eroding of mind f$%kery as the overt (or proud) narcissim but much harder to detect. An ultimate wolf in sheep’s clothing also known as covert/shy/sensitive/vulnarable narcissist, who posesses all of the ugly traits and offers so very few clues to their true nature. These bashful self-loathers thrive on co-dependencies and are incapable of love (for self or others). So who are they and why are they so dangerous?

A covert narcissist, just like any co-dependent out there, is a product of a dysfunctional upbrunging. Frequently at the centre of it an abusive parental figure. As a child a future shy marcissit is unable to mitigate the abusive blows, nor are they adaptable or astute enough to learn how to appease their unloving parent (people-pleasing ia signature survival strategy of co-dependents). Oftentimes they are blamed by their parent for the lack of parental love they fail to earn. These children would grow to believe that they are stupid, unattractive, useless, unworthy of love and so forth. Such level of abuse is enough to stunt their emotional growth. As a matter of fact narcissists have very low emotional IQ and enjoy much poorer emotional health compared to general population and even the co-dependents who survived similar abuse in their families. There are two survival strategies/outcomes that a child who failed to tickle their abusers ego, will have to adopt to survive such hostillities: first, they will have to create a false self that feels superior to others as the true self is shattered and battered to pulp; second, being in the position of power is the only way not ever be hurt; power must be asserted and mantained by all means. Shy narcissists truly hold their own self in contempt, despising the weak self and hating their own narcissistic urges in equal measure. Such person is a contradiction wrapped in existential crisis, truly a Colossus on clay feet.

There is no end to the contradicting nature of the shy narcissit. They will boast about their exemplary family, their talented father, their doting mother, all the while their andecdotes offer horrifying glimses through cracks of their shattered childhood that reveal the contrary. They will share how they “sometimes hate themselves” and you will feel sorry for them; the next minute they announce that they are so special that mediocre people can’t understand them (yes, you included!). They will tell you they are sensitive, so very sensitive, but as it soon transpires such sensitivities are reserved solely for their own hurt feelings. And boy do those bruise easily! Narcissists, shy or otherwise, cannot stand the difference of opinion. As far as they see it, if you aren’t with them, you are against them. If you were to disagree with the narcissist or point out an error, they will blow up. To such person mistakes translate into a sense of the deepest inadequacy. If you say “I disagree with you” in their mind you might as well be saying “You are wrong and stupid”, which of course is infuriating to a shy narcissit. A covert narcissict will abuse people around them and claim to be the victim. Such person would routinely and deliberately be late for work and be genuinly outraged at their management for calling a disciplinary hearing to address chronic tardiness. If you are unfortunate enough to be their confidant (and a lot of co-dependents end up sucked up into relationships with these seemingly helpless individuals) you will be used as an emotional waste bucket. You will be bestowed with tales of the narcissist’s gargantuan workload, the stupidity of each and every colleague of theirs, the unfairness, so so much unfairness...! and you will swallow the bait. You will feel sorry for this victimised soul. After all you know what it feels like to be treated unfairly! You will soon find out that your narcissit has no intention to ever reciprocate the favour. Your day at work is of no interest to them. They couldn’t give two shits about you or your problems.

This brings up another symptom of the sensitve narcissism. Anything that doesn’t revolve around them will be trivialised. If you have a scratch a narcissit will make sure that their experience is that of a lifethreatening blood loss. If you got soaked in the rain, they nearly drowned. Everything that happens to you must pale in comparisson to their suffering!

Same counts for their inability to support your achievements or celebrate your strengths. You can whip up a royal dinner for them and they will complain that some of it is cold to thereafter consume your efforts with expression of utter disgust. Forget about thanks! You can share your expertise on something but they will invariably dismisss it or diminish it. They wil tell you exactly what you are, what you know and how much of it you are to share. The answers to these are: nothing, nothing and nothing once more. 

Most of all they hate being outed. That’s the principal reason for their undiluted terrror that keeps them from forming deep connections. Wearing the mask of misunderstood, unfairly treated, poor lil old me, they move arcane through masses of people who will never know the depth of seething hatred they just brushed past. In an intimate relationship the cracks will show, the inconsistencies will let that hideous nature seep through, and you will have to simply cut your losses and get out. There is no merit in staying. A narcissit will only feel good at your expense. They can’t otherwise. Having left my own vulnarable narcissist years ago, I can tell you two very important things. First thing, they will make it as hard as they can for you to leave them. They will lie, threaten, plead tearfully and make promises they will never deliver on. Remember, as far as they see it you are not entitled to call the shots on the matter; they are the ones who get to discard you once they’ve supped every drop of life out you. Second, and perhaps the most important thing, is that leaving them is best gift you can grant yourself. It’s worth it. The freedom from their nasty little kingdom of terror and paranoia is a right, not a privilege. You owe it to yourself. Please be careful though and plan your exit to avoid/mimimise retaliation as if you would with any abuser. Enroll your most trusted friend (he or she will undoubtedly be the one “who never liked the guy/gal”), your therapist and any non-narcisstic family members of your own. Don’t get discouraged if you get lured back in on false pretenses. It can take several tries to get out of the mess, but the freedom from abuse by a self pittying prick is so worth it! Trust me, I know.

Take care now and always

xx

Alex

[notfinebutfine]

Love is generous; co-dependency isn't. How scarcity mindset fails co-dependent lovers.

Hello again.

As you may have noticed there has been a considerable hiatus in my outpourings in the past months. The reason for it is that I fell in love and had to work out and circumnavigate a shitstorm of fears and insecurities. Luckily for me my partner is a securely attached and compassionate person, who finds genuine joy in seeing me happy. I think there was a huge element of luck involved in me finding A. but my therapist urges me not to downplay the work, so I guess I ought to take the credit this once.

I am not here to sing my own praises though. I am here to offer my take on co-dependent relationships and in this instance the role of scarcity. Most co-dependent love stories come from a place of lack, a place of yearning, a place of need. It may be need for protection, need for acceptance, need for caretaking, and need for being cared for. Like a victim of starvation, a co-dependent lover stumbles upon a barely acceptable offering and gobbles it up warts, trimmings and all.

In the past I've been involved with people I didn't like, but claimed to love. Not because I am a pathological liar, but because acknowledging it, would leave me to deal with irreconcilable thoughts. Rather than "I made a mistake sleeping with this person the moment we met" I'd sugar coat my lapse of judgement as "love at first sight". This would have you go through with a relationship with a person you wouldn't even have as your friend let alone lover. That's not to say that odd couples are necessarily co-dependent, but it may serve as a fairly good early warning system for recovering co-dependent.

Ask yourself whether you LIKE your romantic partner. Don't ask yourself if you love them. Co-dependents spend years being conditioned to LOVE the parent whose drinking they'd find disgusting, whose erratic behaviour would embarrass them, whose rage would see them dart for cover, and whose neglect would make them jump through hoops in attempt to get a semblance of affection. Don't ask yourself if you love such person, ask yourself if you like them. If you are in an intimate relationship with a  person you don't like, it's not likely to change. You are not going to change them; that's not what they entered the relationship for. To add to the recipe for disaster any dysfunctional relationship opposes change. Incidentally, change is the only thing you can safely bet on happening.

So, how do you go about recognising that the grounds prepared for your next relationship are infertile, rather than nourishing, before you set out to find a romantic partner? In my experience (direct and idirect) they are:

-Fear of being alone/ dying alone. Obsessiveness or envy of relationships

-Not having "a type". Basically fancying anything with a heartbeat. Truth is that you do have a type and this sort of behaviour is indicative of low self esteem, not the generous acceptance as I once believed it stood for.

-Notion that the other person will come into your life and fix everything for you. You will feel finally happy and complete once in a relationship.

-Accepting advances passively. Not going for the type of person you genuinely admire, for the fear of ridicule and rejection.

-Accepting advances from an unavailable person such as a married person, a person who is only looking for a bit of fun, or a person with an addiction or compulsion.

-Romanticising abuse. Equating passion to violence. Tolerating controlling behaviour. Tolerating dangerous and/or irresponsible actions of your suitor.

-Seeing one night stands as a starter pack for a romantic relationship. It's like going for a joy ride and finding out you have bought the car you're in.

-Willingness to begin a new relationship to escape existing dysfunctional relationship by means of "ejector-seat affairs" and/or serial rebounds.

-Inability to stand your ground. Holding a popular opinion only to please others or to avoid conflict by having to defend your position on subject.

These behaviours can be addressed with your therapist and with a bit of work and patience you will be able to stave off the emotional hunger. Self love is the meal you can generate all by yourself and sustain yourself for a life time. And once that meal grows to a size of a feast, guests may be invited to share their abundance with you. Love is a joyful party, not a soup kitchen.

I leave you with this comic. Two people desperately in need of salvation. They see each other’s qualities and think themselves lucky. After an initial relief and elation they realise that the other person's wealth is not what they thought. The isle that can't sustain one person let alone two, and the boat that is nothing but a dingy with no paddle, no sail, no compass or shelter to protect from the scorching sun. When you have little to give emotionally, you are prone to accepting way too little in return. Real mature love doesn't fall into your lap the instant you meet "the one". You ought to grow into being the one first.  

[notfinebutfine]

My very codependent fairytale

Once upon a time there was a kingdom called Sassonia and it was populated by three different races, the Humans, the Boulder Folk and the Ethereals, all coexisting peacefully despite their differences and even falling in love with one another. Well, for the most part Humans would keep their affections within their own kind, but the Boulder Folk were invariably drawn by the Ethereal people. See, heavy stone people were built to see themselves as better than their peers and could not witness attractive qualities in Boulder Folk other than their own selves. Proud and superior to everyone around them, they would become endlessly fascinated by the light and frivolous energy of the Ethereal people. Once paired, the heaviness of their rock solid bodies would be alleviated by their weightless soulmate, which felt oh so good! So the Boulders figured out, best to hold onto your air partner really tight; after all it wasn’t unheard of the Ethereal spouses to float away  in the middle of the night if not thoroughly guarded. In these unions children would often be borne. If the child took after the Ethereal mother or father it was a blessing, however, if the baby was born a Boulder baby, their Boulder parent would rage with discontent. After all Boulders knew that other Boulders were too ugly, too clumsy, too heavy, and too stonehearted. A Boulder just could never bring himself learn to love another Boulder, not even if it was their own little one. An Ethereal had no such worry and would shower their family with love and care whether the baby was an air baby or a rock baby. On and on the cycle of life would go just like that. And the heavy Boulders would seek out their Ethereal mates, and hold on very tight onto them lest the Ethereal float away, which (as we know) would happen every now and again.

One rainy day a high-ranking Boulder Kin Officer set out of his family home in the Sassonian Capital to find himself a bride. His mother wished him well, “Get out of my sight already,Petrus, honestly if you were a boulderwoman you’d long be a spinster by now!”, and gave him a decisive pat (or a push perhaps) on the back. The young Boulder travelled long and far and wide in many directions, but couldn’t find the right girl. After 6 years on the road his search came to an end. Just as he reached the Edgelands of Sassonia, and was about give up on finding the right girl, she appeared. A true Ethereal, she was as beautiful as a lake spirit, as young and fresh as the gentle rose bud heralding the warmth of May. Her eyes met his, and in an instant he knew that she’s the one he’d marry. Although they didn’t speak the same dialect, they found out a great deal about each other within days. The girl’s name was Hope and she’d agreed to marry Petrus and move to the capital or even the edge of the world itself. So the young couple, besotted with each other, moved back to the chief city of their land to live happily ever after.

The end. 

Not really.

Did you really think this was the end? Alas, the young lovers' troubles have only just begun.

Petrus was over the moon with his new wife. No sooner they arrived to the capital Petrus took Hope to his mother’s house and beaming with excitement introduced her. “Wasn’t there anything uglier where you got her from? This will never fly.” his mother declared looking Hope up and down. Determined to be happy with or without the maternal blessing the young couple decided to have a child, a child that would prove everyone who had ever doubted their union wrong, a beautiful soft pink air baby. The boulder father was delighted when he was presented with a Cherub named Petra, after him. Petra was a delightful little girl, she almost never cried, she was clever and obedient, a joy to show and share. Even Petrus’ mother seemed to love Petra. Why wouldn’t she? Petra was nothing like her disappointing ugly son, who paired with a foreign weakling from borderlands. Petra was a shining diamond in her family crown. There was a secret to her though, a secret that only her Ethereal mother knew of, and the one she could never reveal. Unlike babies born in Sassonia before her, Petra didn’t take entirely after her Ethereal mother; Petra's belly was rock solid. Her innards contained a secret. She was a Boulder and an Ethereal at the same time. Hope decided that the secret had to remain concealed from everyone, Petra included, lest Sassonians outed her as a freak or, worse still, her father, repulsed by another boulder person in his family, disowned the hybrid daughter.

So they went on. And life went on. And Petrus held tightly onto Hope every waking hour of every day. He knew that the tighter his grip was, the lighter he felt, and the more his wife knew he loved her. He wasn’t always sure how to express his appreciation (his mother would not allow such frivolities to fly) and clumsily offered his tenderness by relieving his wife from any work or any worries other than the joyful burden of family rearing. The more he helped the more his wife grew restless and unhappy, unheard of among the Ethereal people! Hope went onto hiding yet another unnatural secret. So Petrus, Hope and their daughter went on, and time went by, until one day Hope flew away. Petrus blamed himself for not holding onto his beloved tight enough, little Petra blamed herself. The Boulfer officer looked at his daughter and saw just how much she looked like her departed mother. He knew that he had to hold this love even tighter in order not to lose what’s dear to him, unaware of clasping a Chimera. Little Petra, none the wiser, grew to become a fair young maiden, charming and clever. She looked after her bereft father best she could, she cleaned, and she cooked, and she offered a compassionate ear to ailing Petrus, who in turn became more reclusive and protective. Petra knew that the only way out of his tight grip was trickery.

One day Petra realised that she, now a woman, wanted a future outside of her father’s doting restraints. She tricked her father into believing she went onto a short trip and she’d certainly be back in no time. Her exact riddle I must not reveal, but Petra never made it back to her stomping grounds again.

Out in the whole wide world Petra’s eyes were open to all the things and all the  people she’d not once seen before. She ate and drank voraciously, she kissed passionately, she sang and danced, insensitive of her own uniqueness. The trait that made her unlike any other Etheral girl in the kingdom. Her stone-heavy core.

Petra’s hunt for love went fruitless. Every boulder man she met would be fascinated with her ethereal looks at first but in time repulsed by her character so mismatched with Petra's looks. Similarly Petra noticed a sinking feeling in the pits of her stomach every time a boulder suitor got close to her. Petra’s every attempt at finding her happily ever after got dashed; her stone guts tying themselves in most painful of the knots each and every time. Unaware of her Boulder nature, Petra sought out Boulders to only be offended by their very essence. Regretfully Ethereals like herself were just not her type. And she grew weary of looking.

Petra’s only option was to seek advice of a powerful wizard.  So she found one in Sassonian Loot classifieds (yes, that easy). The wizard saw that Petra had a duality about her. A secret so deep that she had no view of it. Spell after spell, the wizard eased Petra into seeing her stone cold, rock hard tummy, he taught her how to use her gift, how to be both soft and vivacious, and hard and determined. The wizard told Petra that she didn’t have to be a Boulder Kin or an Ethereal Maiden, she was only a Human after all. A Human! Petra now had to learn how to be a human.

She foulght many battles, travelled to many lands, and met different people. She had to listen to the people and listen to herself, even when the Zephyr was whistling into her ears and raucous stones deafened her senses, she listened to Humans, she took lessons from them. At once Petra build a little cottage on top of a hill where she could be undisturbed. She’d spend many a happy day making it her home, making, building, mending, and cooking for no one but herself. She’d delight in gathering fruits and berries from the woods near her cottage and talking to every cat she met. Cats behave arrogantly just like the Boulder people, but that didn’t hurt Petra’s feelings – she knew cats couldn’t help themselves and that they were full of rocks. (That’s why they are so tired and sleepy all the time.)

Petra was happy. Truly happy. So much so, that she decided that love interest was not worth bothering over, not if it detracted from her fulfilled contentment. One day, the wise wizard, her old mentor appeared in a cloud of iridescent smoke for the last time, to reveal his wisdom to her. “Go and find someone who matches this happiness of yours”, and puff he went. It took Petra a while to understand wizard’s last counsel, but she went out into the wide world yet again to find her match. Her soul mate, who went by the name Balfour, happened to look for someone at that very same time. He was a fine looking, kind and wise young man, who didn't wince at the stones protruding from Petra’s midriff but instead kissed them tenderly until they revealed to be diamonds. So together Petra and Balfour shared happiness and multiplied it, they cooked, and cleaned, and mended things together, and scratched cats’ “underchins” and dogs’ “behindears”, and loved each other more and more each day.

The end? Not really. It’s just a beginning of another story.

[monicabinq]

10 signs you’re in a healthy relationship (x)

[mandronia]

[notfinebutfine]

Ambiguity in relationship with a parent a.k.a. emotional incest

Now, I am fully aware that the word “incest” is a strong one and I must stress that although traumatic, emotional incest is by no stretch of imagination directly proportionate or comparable to a physical act of sexual abuse by a relative. Let us be clear on that.

Emotional incest refers to a dysfunctional phenomenon that oftentimes is perpetrated within parent-child relationships and  can be so subtle that neither party will realise that it’s happening. When child assumes a role inappropriate for their developmental stage or their role within the family it is referred to as Emotional Incest.

My experience of this ill-practice in parenting was:

Being exposed to highly sexualised materials and situations from an early age.

My parents saw no harm in keeping erotic magazines within my view of sight and reach. I’ve been to a number of art exhibitions featuring salacious narrative. I’ve seen dozens of sex scenes in films that I watched with my parents (and following my mom's fleeing, with my father) before I was 12 and many more after. All of that crap flew under the banner of “Our daughter is mature beyond her years!”, a terribly arrogant assumption! Children should be allowed to be children. I remember a few years back my mom mused about development of my half-siblings “They are so innocent compared to you…” I nodded. They were and that’s how it should be.

Being a close confidant to my parents:

When I was 8 my parents split and my mom left. I plead as most children would for her not to leave us. As most children I felt responsible for mending this wreck that was divorce. My mom responded “If I stay with your father any longer I will die. You don’t want me to die do you?” Of course not! Then she left. And I was left with the death inducing element in our family. Now my father has always been emotionally inept; my mother’s departure plunged him into the darkest of depressions. I had to deal with his daily outpourings about her infidelities, the list of her lovers, her indiscretions, his pain of separation and swings of love and hatred. Have you ever seen a meat mincer/ sausage maker in action? It’s an emotional equivalent of being through one. My beliefs about my parents and love were being slowly crushed without so much as a shred of concern for how that made ME , the 8 year old!, feel.

Filling in for my mother. Becoming a surrogate spouse to my father.

So my mom left. And it was just me and my father. I had to learn how to keep the house running to the best of my abilities. I learned how to cook and had a budget for our meals. I entertained his poker buddies and even won some money at the table. In addition I went to school where I had to perform exceptionally well or be yelled at. As I grew up my father took every measure in the book to delay if not prevent my sexual development. He put it very simply - No boys! Okay, no boys then… All those dirty magazines taught me that women are beautiful and sexually desirable anyway, so my first sexual experience was with another woman. But I digress… My father monopolised my body and my sexuality. He ran stringent curfews and called me immoral when they were breached. “Until you are married you’ll do as I tell you!” he used to say. Years later I felt compelled to ask my psychotherapist Brian if many women have had the same pervasive thought I had… the dread of what to do if my father was to make an advance… Turns out not many. Day in day out I spent carefully crafting artificial environment that would secure affection but not too much from my parent lest he found it seductive. And while it may well be that nothing of the sort would occur I had my reasons to believe that the possibility was there.

I have since cut my father out of my life. I occasionally speak to my mom but we are far from close. My childhood was a slow burn of never-ending anticipation of drama. My adult relationships  either suffered or made me suffer as a result.

Have you experienced these or other forms of ambiguous emotional connection with your parent? How are you dealing with it? I’d love to know.

Take care

xx

A.

[notfinebutfine]

I like you so much I want to run away already!

Lately, with the much needed encouragement from Brian, my psychotherapist extraordinaire, I tried a hand at dating. Primary purpose aside I think Brian wanted to rule out a case of man-hatred and sentimental anorexia, whereby I'd be too scared to be close to another human being.

I signed up for a dating site with the newspaper I read the most. This was a deliberate move on my part as similar newspaper readership meant that we'd share similar views (which turned out not to be the case. We've already identified our "flaws". A. votes Tory, I read Fitzgerald). I made significant effort to be proactive and approached more than I was approached. My aim was to actually chose a partner rather than passively accept someone's advances.

I saw a picture of handsome A. and typed up an awkwardly worded message, something along the lines of "I have no idea of what I am doing. But I like your profile is it okay. What's the protocol?" Yeah, I know. Might as well be written by the bard himself!

Correspondence ensued and we went on some dates. A. even came to find me in Kent, which I appreciated tremendously! He shared his stories and I marvelled at how endearingly human that made him to me. I shared some of mine. Somehow I felt that disclosing all might overwhelm him and that the darkness within me will contaminate this wonderful person I met. My childhood, my failed marriage, my pain of losing a baby and a subsequent lost pregnancy, my devil-may-care attitude when I wielded the axe of destruction on the only good relationship I had, my poor choice of partners and string of abusive relationships. A torrent of tenebrous past events that I couldn't disclose for the fear of revealing my ugly legacy. Would he like me if he knew how broken I am? Will he try to redeem me? Do I need redemption? Will he be repulsed? Will he understand me? Will telling him all this be premature? When is it acceptable even? what is the magical number of dates when the fable princess turns into a frog?

The hefty self-imposed damnation reared it's ugly head once more. The ghost of perdition telling me I don't deserve the good and the sane. In my head I replayed a thousand and one rejection scenarios. The budding start of affection is almost too painful to bear. The time that's supposed to bring ecstasy, to me heralds agonising pain. For the measure of love to me is loss. That's why subconsciously I have always sought non-relationships with likeminded wounded individuals. It's a failsafe defence mechanism - you can't lose what you don't have. To self-disclose equates to leaving yourself at other's mercy. And we are oh so scared to hear this person say "I see you now. And I don't like what I see".

Boy do I want to leg it! And that's exactly why I am not going to!

Observant followers might retort "Wait a minute, didn't you previously mention that co-dependents' downfall is to ignore the red flags?". And the straightforward answer to this is "Yes!". There is a world of difference between the Red Flags we ignore and that come to light when bitter and disillusioned we recall those in hindsight. Sleepwalking past those ill-omens is easy, because the path they stud as a familiar and well-walked path. What I am experiencing at the moment is a full blown red alert with a megaphone screaming "This is not a drill! Evacuate immediately!". This is how I know I'm on a path least walked. This (among other reasons) is why I will walk it.

x

Alex

[notfinebutfine]

Feeling for two=feeling for noone. This and other mistakes I personally made so you don’t have to.

I am a typical INFJ type. A great number of us INFJ’s have issues with boundaries and codependency. I would like to point out that not INFJ’s are codependent and not all codependent people are INFJ’s are codependent. Being INFJ doesn’t make you co-dependent. INFJ faced with adverse chidlhood and inconsistent parenting is likely to use their talent to “read people” and cater for their needs, assuming responsibilty for things beyond their control, such as mood of an unavailable or emotionally depleted parent. Later this set of talents is deployed with romantic partners. Here are mistakes I made. They are tested and trialed so that you don’t have to make them yourself.

- Exalting your love interest. There is only one way from a pedestal and it’s down. This old adage is spot on and the main reason for it is that to idolise someone is to strip them of their humanity. Dehumanisation (whether carried out benevolently or with ill-intent) leads to disappointment and resentment. Having been on the receiving and delivering ends of this treatment I can tell you with absolute certainty that it always fails. Always.

-Accepting someone’s advances because no-one else will want you. I think this one is a self explanatory error. To pair with somebody out of fear of being single or settling for someone while you still have the looks is plain wrong. Firstly, you are shortselling yourself and thus already assume a weaker stance in your relationship. Secondly, crude as it sounds you are treating the other person as some sort of a romantic interval snack. Something to put you on in anticipation of the main event, the One. It’s a shitty insurance policy. Ask yourself would I couple with someone if I knew that they are waiting for something better to come along or be with someone who thinks they can’t any better than me? No? Of course not!

-Sticking it out because, you know, noblesse oblige! My father used to say to me “Look, if you are too scared to do something don’t do it. But, if you are doing something don’t be scared”. Probably not a bad motto if used correctly. I sure don’t know how to apply this healthily to my relationships. I would date someone who would be nothing like my desired partner, yet I felt compelled to persevere with an unnatural pairing because we already kissed, he paid for dinner, we had sex, etc. If something is not destined to work your “fear” will tell you to abate and walk away. Listen to it. By forcing your relationship down the route of progression regardless of how you truly feel you are sinning against your nature and deceiving you and the person you are with. The sooner you U-turn on a toxic relationship the less poison you’ll drink. There is no merit in being miserable.

-Giving things up, a martyrdom no one cared for. A very good exampe of this would be: A couple fall on some hard times financially. The husband likes golf and goes golfing every Sunday. When the money runs dry, the wife chooses to skip a meal a day to allow the husband to pursue golf as if nothing happened. Oblivious to the sacrifice she made he keeps up with his hobby. His wife simmers with resentment and contempt. She made this enormous sacrifice and he doesn’t care! He won’t even ask her why she is so grumpy all the time! Well, that’s because he doesn’t expect you to make a sacrifice and not run something like that past him. The same goes for your money, friends, hobbies or even time. Don’t give more than you can afford. It’s a sure path to emotional bancrupcy and the fourth horseman of the death of any relationship, contempt.

There are plenty more typically co-dependent behaviours that stir the relation-ship straight onto the rocky peril. These are prinicipally responsible for the downfalls of my love stories. I remain optimistic that with hard work and a positive outlook I will be happy with someone. 

Keep up the good work! Take care!

x

A.

[notfinebutfine]

[notfinebutfine]

Insecurities, not as cute as we believe.

In my earlier post I’ve alluded to being a fearful avoidant person when it comes to attachments. I’d like to stress that the same pattern does not have to repeat all the time. Your style of attachment can change depending on the circumstances. There have been times when I was attached more securely (with a secure partner) and times when I adopted a dismissive avoidant attitude (with another fearful avoidant).

I heard many a time that relationships are a lot like a dance. One person leads; the other one follows. Their movements must be harmonious and the dance will be well rehearsed. When one or both partners are insecure it can be compared to a dance between people who have a broken toe or two. Every time your partner so much as nudges your poorly foot, it’s agony to you. “Why are doing that?! You really hurt me!!” Often with people with insecurities aren’t aware of them, so as far as they believe the problem is not the broken toe but the dance partner who kicks the toe maliciously to inflict pain.

A relationship that’s based on the notion that your partner is going to hurt you, is doomed. Even the most secure partners will tire of being accused of ill-intentions. My last relationship was a lot like that; both of us woefully insecure in different aspects of our lives, we deployed different mechanisms to protect ourselves from painful feelings. Unsurprisingly we drove each other mad.

Imagine building a ladder with someone. Now imagine that half way through the build your partner rattles the construction to test is (just in case), a few moments later they shake the unfinished ladder again (just in case), the ladder gets the durability test whether needed or not. A relationship with an insecure person is no different.

An insecure person may test relationship by

-Displaying needy behaviour, texting and calling excessively, asking repeatedly if the other person loves them

-Physical boundaries breach. An insecure partner may hold onto you physically, grasp your arm, wrap themselves around you, roll onto other partner's side of the bed unwarranted

-An insecure person doesn’t like you have time apart. They will want to invite themselves to your lads night/girly night and will pout for days on end of you don’t indulge them

-If you have to travel for work, rest assured that the insecure partner will make you wish you never left, and not in the nicest way. The insecure will distance themselves, refuse affection or even stop talking to you all together as a punishment for your desertion.

-An insecure partner makes up stories of infidelity and desertion in their head and plays and replays them time and time again. Accusations and constant monitoring ensues.

-Picking fights as a proof that the other person is willing to engage and thus still cares enough.

-Dismissive attitude, such as meaningful flirting with other people, physical and emotional distancing are also characteristic of insecure people with avoidant traits.

I’ve done some of this, I’ve been subjected to some this.

The only way to fix it is to admit you have insecurities and understand why you have developed such a way of coping. Then an only then, will you be able to fully disclose your inner world to your lover and gain intimacy.

Good Luck!

X

A 

[notfinebutfine]

Adherence to a subculture. If you can understand the Me then I can understand the you.

I love listening to Metal. It appeals to me on so many levels. The riffs, the strained vocals, the pained lyrics, the angst and anger, the physicality of the mosh pit, the sense of being heard and the catharsis that comes with release of negative emotion.

Another important element is a sense of belonging, an opportunity join a global yet intimately selective tribe. A headbanger from Brazil is my brother, a metalhead from Poland is my sister. I don't need to speak their language to know that we share a bond through intangible means.

I admit, I was not a happy bunny as a teenager. I needed a not-happy-bunny way of expressing my emotional turmoil, an dark aggressive kind of music. Metal helped me articulate things I felt (and some I didn't know I felt) and allowed me to live my own emotions vicariously through its narrative.

Metal is a following that can be easily likened to a religion and my gods "speak the words I want to hear to make my demons run". The Masters of evil guitar licks frequently experience pain and disenchantment first-hand.

James Hetfield (Metallica) grew up in a strict religious family, who opposed medicine. James' mother died of cancer, untreated, when he was 16 years old. James' unconventional upbringing isolated him from his peers. Recovering alcohol and drug addict.

Dave Mustain (Megadeth) - Brought up as a strict Jehovah's Witness. 17 rehab check-ins. Reportedly he was fired from Metallica for his wild antics, which must have taken some effort, as the band was also referred to as Alcoholica

Lemmy Kilmister (Motorhead) - Abandoned by his father, a man of cloth, when he was a baby. Lemmy's mother later remarried but young Ian did not get along with his new family. The trauma must have been a severe one. Lemmy's intake of tobacco, drugs, booze and womanising were legendary.

Per "Dead" Ohlin (Mayhem)... that one was extremely serious. After suffering from a severe internal bleeding as a child, Dead's trauma manifested in a conviction that he in fact was a corpse, a metal disorder called Cotard's Delusion. Man, that one was a tragic case. Dead a.k.a. Pelle took his own life.

I guess it's safe to say that Metal is indeed an emotionally charged genre loaded with negative connotations. The sound of it alone is jarring, never you mind reading into it much. Parents all over the word were concerned about their children's fascination with this insalubrious cacophony since the 70's. Years on generations of gloomy teenagers live normal and fulfilling lives. We didn't turn our backs on metal to lead a more mainstream socially acceptable lives, we are not successful despite that subculture! Metal GAVE us a leg up!

[notfinebutfine]

Metallica, The Unforgiven 2 "HQ" "Official Video" W/Lyrics

Metallica The Unforgiven II High Quality Official Video Lyrics: Lay beside me, Tell me what they've done Speak the words I want to hear, to make my demons ru...

[notfinebutfine]

Attachment theory. What is the fuss all about?

If you ever watched Sopranos or lesser known Olive Kitteridge you would have heard the phrase "So is that what you do at the shrink's office? You just sit there and complain about me (your mother)?" Of course there is a lot more to psychotherapy than just that. Not all issues that people experience have to do with their caregivers, but the foundation of co-dependency is definitely to be found in the early years.

So where does this attachment theory fit? Actually everywhere. Every relationship from work collaboration, to fleeing conversations with strangers, to friendships and intimate relationships with your lover. How you relate to others is programmed into your brain when you can still walk straight under a table.

Mary Ainsworth's work on attachment styles between babies and their mothers was conducted in the 70's and concluded that there are 3 styles of attachment (with a fourth style uncovered some years later): Secure, Insecure Avoidant, Insecure Ambivalent. You can do further reading on the Strange Situation Experiment. It is a truly fascinating and informative piece. http://www.simplypsychology.org/mary-ainsworth.html

To put it in just a few words, if a child receives consistent care from the primary parental figure with reassurance provided when needed and personal space for independent exploration that is not interfered with, the infant will likely become a secure teenager and later a secure adult capable of engaging with others effortlessly and enjoy a healthy level of confidence in their relationships.

People with co-dependency issues would give anything to feel that way. The inconsistencies we were subjected to as children, play on repeat in our heads and our lives. As I am only an expert of myself, I will gladly provide you with my background and maybe you can relate.

My mom married my father when she was 18. She was over the moon with the prospect of being an independent woman away from the ravages of her own dysfunctional family. My twenty-something year old father was deeply taken with the beautiful bride, whom he met two years earlier. Together they were planning great future and a happy family.

My arrival was a joyous occasion. After a couple of years of trying for a baby and a series of miscarriages my parents became ... well my parents. My mom was 21 years of age and an inexperienced adult and mother. I would like to stress that at no point am I implying that my mom didn't love me or didn't care, but some things are passed from parents to children. And no such knowledge was imparted into her by her own avoidant mother. My mom was determined to give me all the love in the world but the pressures of new motherhood were catching up with her. To top it all up I turned out to be a sickly child who required a lot of attention. looking back I wonder if some of these ailments were a product of my mom's inexperience (When my sister arrived 15 years later. I remember asking my mom why babies get patted on the back. She didn't know what I was talking about. I went on, have you noticed in the films babies get placed on your shoulder and then pat-pat-pat like this? She didn't have a clue bless her). Until I was 8 I was schooled at home as result of my constant cycle of malaise.

My early years I clung to her skirt for dear life. I was insanely jealous of her! Any other child my mother interacted with was a threat. My blood would boil with angst, fear of rejection and disappointment and I'd get angry at the kid who was blessed with my mother's affections. I was a deeply insecure little girl.

My interaction with my mom was inconsistent. Especially when my father re-entered our lives (he was away for work my first year). My father couldn't get enough of his wife. So much so the only time she had to herself (without him) was when she used the toilet. That's it. Even bath time was his to share. My father wanted her undivided doting soothing attention. In the evenings my mom would turn into a fucked up Cinderella who morphed from someone who cared about me into someone who cared about this newly arrived giant stranger. Who by the way didn't really find me interesting enough or important enough to interact with, for another year.

Every evening I learned to go to my room and not be seen or heard. My beautiful princess mom had to entertain this malevolent serpent king who held her captive. Until she fled. I was 8 at the time. She left, and I stayed with my father. I understand why she had to leave, I ran a mile as soon as I could myself. I just wish she fought for me.

When I turned 13 I received a call from a woman who sounded like the one I loved. My mother was calling me! I didn't even think of challenging her on where the hell she'd been. I was just relieved to know she was ok! I found out that I was a sister to a beautiful baby boy. I couldn't hide my disappointment when i asked her why I wasn't told earlier about the second marriage (or even being invited you know?) or that she was expecting a baby. She replied "I was afraid you'd be angry at the baby". To this day this explanation leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.

Later that year I decided to join my mom and her new family. My father reluctantly signed necessary custody paperwork and off I went. The first surprise was my mom's choice of husband. He was not conventionally attractive and she bad mouthed his habits and character a lot too. I couldn't understand what possessed her into pairing with someone who repulsed her quite so much, The second insane situation was that I wasn't to call her MOM. She told everybody she was younger than her age (her new husband was in his late twenties and it would look bad if he was married to an older woman. A-ha! So the embarrassment was mutual! okay..). I had to call my own mother by her name, while she told most acquaintances I was her younger sister. I felt immeasurably betrayed.

Fast forward and here I am. I haven't spoken to my old man in years. I find it very difficult to talk to my mom on the phone. I seem to reconnect with her once a year when I see her. But I don't yearn for the connection. My childhood taught me that relationships don't last. That people who love you will leave you or disown you. You can try to be sweet and clever and manipulative (that's how I managed my father) but bad stuff is in the post.

My intimate relationships have thus been marked by the same algorithm.

Stage 1. New love. I give copious amounts of love and care. I receive love and care in return.

Stage 2. Doubt creeps in. This person can't love me for who I am. I try to find a flaw with them to feel better about my own shortcomings.

Stage 3. Jealous and clingy behaviour ensues. I physically cling to my partner to ease the pain of perceived rejection and a looming separation

Stage 4. My partner pulls away as my incessant demands for attention become a nuisance. My fears are confirmed. The prophecy becomes self-fulfilling.

Stage 5. I ruthlessly end the relationship that brought me all this emotional turmoil. I go against my values and ideals in the process, I burn bridges and praise the fire. I feel a brief sense of relief.

Stage 6. once more I feel lonely and unfulfilled. Unable to meet my own needs I look for a partner to ease my sense of inadequacy.

If this scenario sounds familiar, you might have a fearful avoidant style of attachment. it is relatively uncommon among general population but rife among co-dependent folk. It is very important to seek professional help from a therapist trained in attachment theory and attachment problems in adults. It is possible to change your style through therapy and alongside a secure partner (luckily Secure people constitute a majority at 50%). 

All the best

x

A.