#pre homework

[one-additional-time]

From an English fanzine called Positive Energy of Madness, published sometime in 1995. Interesting tidbits: the interviewer has their ages backwards, the boys refuse to speak the name Darlin’, and they confess that “DJing is much better for meeting girls” than being in a rock band.

Full size scan can be downloaded here.

[spiralling-entr0pii]

Recently I've been feeling a lot, but I have no idea what I'm feeling. I'm usually rather good at recognizing my emotions, but I cannot for the life of my identify what I've been feeling. It's like discernible emotion is at the tip of my metaphorical tongue. I feel like nothing's coming out naturally, when I express something it's not quite true. Emotional brown slush is what I'm calling it now. You can't tell what's in it and if you look for a flavor, you can kinda taste it but you gotta REALLY look for it. This is like melancholy but not with an undertone of sad, with an undertone of everything. It's a little unsettling, to be honest. Things are getting boring and I often feel the need to scratch my face off because I'm so mindlessly bored.

[spiralling-entr0pii]

I’ve been out-freaked. Freak meaning receiving affection in a healthy way

[spiralling-entr0pii]

IM A PERVERT IM A PERVERT IM A PERVERTTTTTTT I CANT TAKE THISSSSsssss auggggghhhhhhh I’m just a man after all………last time I said, “I can’t help myself” and thats stuck in my head that’s what fucking RAPISTS SAY IM NOT A RAPIST BUT because of that rhetoric there’s a chance I could BECOME ONE and that’s FUCKING HORRIFYING I feel ljke sobbinhnngggg I’m a bad personnnnuuuhhhh WAIT! Because I don’t want to be a rapist I won’t become a rapist! Aha! But I already did that thing last time…….was consent said……..fuck i dint remember……..BUT THEY WERE ENTHUSIASTIC! But it felt like coercion in a sense…….Did I COERCE someone?!!! FUCK FUXK FUCK DID I?????? SO I AM A RAPIST?????? Wait but it wasn’t sex so its not rape DID I SA SOMEONE??????? No we didn’t even touch DID I SEXUALLY HARASS SOMEONE???????? fuck I mightve SHIT SHIT SHIT THATS LIKE THE PRECURSOR TO RAPE I STILL HAVE RAPIST POTENTIAL!!!! I’m hitting myself on THE HEAD AGHHHEGEHHEHEHEJNSBDHDJ FUCK FUXKBFUXK FUCK

Sigh I’m a sad loser…………wait thats kinda hot AGGGGGHHHHHHB WHY DO I DO THISSSSS I’m a creeeepp I’m a weirdoooooo what the hell am I doing herreeeeeee why do I get so whiny during my time of the month :( This is embarrassing

I’m NOT ABLE TO CRY I DON’T HAVE TEARDUCTS I’m JUST an EVIL CREATURE MASQUARADING AS ONE OF YIU I harbor NO LOVE IN MY EMPTY COLD BLACK HEART SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP LOOK AWAYYYYYY

[spiralling-entr0pii]

I feel like I’m constantly being watched. No matter what anyone says, no matter what I say, someone’s watching. When I’m home alone and I know no one’s there and I triple checked Find My, I can’t sing. I love to sing, but I can’t. Because someone’s watching. Every time my voice cracks, every time I sound off, I have to laugh and give up and check Find My and stop singing and laugh and stop breathing and hit myself on the head and laugh. I have to make them clap. I have to be someone’s favorite character. The only flaws I can have are the ones that make me interesting. I have to be perfectly interesting. I can’t practice and fail because someone’s watching. I can feel them breathing down the back of my neck and making my heart hurt and stealing the moisture from my throat and putting it in my eyes. I can feel them wriggling inside of me, leeching off of me. But I can’t do anything, because they’re watching. Don’t cry. Don’t worry. Don’t feel. That’d be embarrassing. It’s just a malfunction, they’re off script! I can’t be off script I can’t be boring I can’t fail I can’t fail I can’t fail because they’re watching they’re watching theyre watching theyre watchjng theyre watching THEYRE FUCKING WATCHJNG AND I CANT TAKE IT I NEED TO RIP THIS PARASITE OUT OF MY BODY GET THEM OUT GET THEM OUT GET THEM OUT GET THEM OUTVOF MY SKINNN GET THEM IUT OF IT GE THEM OUTTTT

But I crave that sweet sweet applause whenever I remember my line lifes so perfect and im so perfect and im so interesting and cool and sexy and i forget that anyone else is watching

[spiralling-entr0pii]

I wonder why people like sports. It’s meaningless noise. There is no need to create and fund artificial senseless conflict. Sports culture wastes human life by breeding people whose only purposes are to continuously partake in useless shows of strength. There are no true stakes outside of the ones that exist because of the sport. I’m tired of barbarians investing their life into something so useless and trying to drag me down to their level. Fund the arts, it’d make me full and happy.

[spiralling-entr0pii]

I’ve been contemplating if I would really love me if I met myself. I’ve been noticing how hypocritical I’ve been and now it’s starting to bug me. It doesn’t usually bug me.

Today I was leaving lunch to go to class and a teacher asked me to pick up this guy’s bowl and put it away. So I did. I was looking at my hand the whole time because it didn’t feel like it was mine. I felt really uncomfortable then. I told myself I just did to salvage my reputation, and I don’t think that’s entirely true. When I walked to class I saw a bowl on top the water fountain and thought, “Fuggin dick, who doesn’t put away their bowl. It’s SO easy.” And then I thought, “aha that’s really hypocritical” at first in an amused way but then in a disappointed way. That really scared me. I’m really scared. I’m scared that if I stop loving myself for all the shitty stuff I do then I’ll stop loving myself period. I don’t wanna kill myselffff thatd be badddd ahaha I CAUGHT YOOOOUUUU stop deflecting with humor this is serious

Gah fine

Meh I’m chill now I’m too lazy and busy to feel shitty hahahah

I gotta do my homework so I can’t have a stick up my ass I have to be at LEAST a LITTLE entertaining for myself

God I’m so hot (not with this haircut tho…I miss my old hair I looked so sexy and mysterious and MANLYYY)

[spiralling-entr0pii]

I think I felt invested in someone I don’t care about for the first time ever

I was watching her fence and I felt the same rush I feel when I fence

I couldn’t contain myself I felt so FUCKING good but it was really weird because I don’t care about her, if she didn’t want to be my friend anymore I wouldn’t protest

This feels off I’m scared

I don’t wanna change but I am changing

No nonono stop it I love me I don’t need to change

Fuckkk but I do though

Gggggagcaaaahhhdgsyehebejdi

This is uncanny