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OK, so I have done literally everything I can think of to make myself Do The Thing I Need To Do Today, and yet I am still sitting here at the end of the day staring at The Thing I Need To Do, unable to Do The Thing.

Shouldn't I just be able to Do The Thing? Shouldn't it be that easy? Shouldn't I be able to just flip the on-switch of Do-ness?

It's not even a difficult Thing! It's just mind-numbingly, soul-crushingly tedious!

And I'll probably be at it for another three months before it's finished. 😓

#personal #my text post on main #probably an #adhd problems #post but maybe also #burnout #?

Do not leave me, will you?

Dan was lying on the floor, looking at the white spotless ceiling above him and acknowledging the new environment around him. It’s been three months since he moved out of his old apartment. Three months since Phil left. He shivers at the thought. The thought that causes him this biologically inexplicable pain in his as he likes to say, black soul, the realization that hits him once again, that he was now all alone in this new flat.

He wasn’t ungrateful, the new apartment was quite nice and if he was being honest, a relief, since the old one was too filled with Phil.The video games, the giggles, the pranks, even the rare fights. A single tear slid down his face at the memory, his warm brown eyes wet and filled with pain, sorrow shadowing behind them. He remembers all those beautiful memories he and Phil had made in that old apartment, yet everything was different now. Dan was all alone. He hated being alone. He also hated the lack of hospitality in this apartment, the hospitality only Phil could provide. With Phil, Dan felt safe. With Phil, he had a home. Now, everything seemed to be taking much more effort, seemed even scarier somehow. Getting out of 🛏️ every morning, making YouTube videos. He couldn’t make videos. To say he wasn’t in the mood, would be an understatemnt. He felt as if he wasn’t physically and mentally able to make videos without Phil behind the 📹, giggling at his jokes and supporting him, just by his presence around him. YouTube was Dan’s creative outlet. A place where he could be himself and express his opinions on a variety of subjects without being judged, since his audience 💛 him and appreciated him and he was grateful for his followers. But Phil wasn’t there anymore to help him make videos and Dan felt like his creativity had been ripped out off him, just like all the hapiness in his life. He was lost in the void of his existence and he couldn’t handle it anymore. He was desperate. He couldn’t spend another minute locked in that hellhole of an apartment which now felt like a prison. He had to go out. He gets up, leaves the 🏠 and slams the 🚪 behind him. He begins to run. He runs like he has never run before. He feels the cold air hitting his face as he keeps running through the streets of London in this moody evening. He doesn’t stop running until he reaches a thankfully empty park and collapses on one of the benches. Breathing heavily, he wipes his 😢 and hides his face behind his hands. What had he done? How could he have hurt this amazing human being so bad? He wanted to talk to Phil. Apologize and make things the way they were with him. He wanted his best friend back. But he wasn’t sure if it was the appropriate thing to do. Them fighting and Phil moving out was mostly his fault and he was quite embarassed to try to contact him and what was he gonna say? Suddenly, he realized. It was November, that time of the year when they record everyone’s favorite video, Phil is not on 🔥. They were pretty fun to make and everybody seemed to 💛 them. Was that going to be the year in which they’d break with tradition? No. Despite anything else, this was their legacy. It didn’t have to do with branding or any of those stupid stuff people on the internet always obsess over. It was the first video they made together, the one that started it all. And the end of that era hadn’t come yet. He wipes away one last tear, and his look of disappointment and ultimate sorrow, is replaced by a look of determination. He pulls his mobile out of his jacket and begins to type a message.

<<Phil. How are you? I’m very sorry for bothering you and you can ignore this message if you want to or tell me to never text you again, but I was wondering what are we going to do about Pinof? I just went on Twitter this evening and people are already asking questions about it and I really had no 💡 what to reply to them since we haven’t told them about you know…You moving out. Do you reckon we should do Pinof 9? Or announce that there won’t be a Pinof this year?>>

He presses send before he has the time to overthink this. There’s nothing wrong with a text, is there? He sighs. Surely Phil wouldn’t mind.

The reply came unexpectedly quickly.

<<Hello Dan, I’m good thank you for asking. How has life been to you lately? I reckon we have to do Pinof, I’m not the one to break with tradition now am I? I feel like we should record it some time next week, probably Friday, how is that for you? You can come over, you know my address. Keep an eye on Twitter, I’ll probably tweet about questions tomorrow.>>

He replies to him saying that he is 🆗 with Friday and with that, their first convrersation after 3 months of having no communication whatsoever, is over.

He’s thinking about pinof questions as he gets up to return to the empty apartment. As he stands out of the 🚪 ready to knock on it, he remembers. He lives alone now. And he has no keys. Fuck. What in the name of God was he thinking, not checking his pockets for keys before leaving? What was he gonna do now? An 💡 crosses his mind. Could he… Could he visit Phil? Would that be too inappropriate? His apartment was not so far from his and he had no 💡 where else he could go. But should he call first? No, he wanted to surprise Phil and judge by the look on his face if he truly was welcome there or Phil would just be too nice to tell him to go away. His walk towards Phil’s place seemed endless as he had not yet made up his mind .When he reaches his 🚪, he feels tremendously anxious and unsure about what he was going to do, but despite that, he still does knock on Phil’s 🚪. After a moment, a bemused Phil opens the 🚪.

<<Dan? What are you doing here?>> There’s no malice in his voice, he’s just shocked. At least that’s what Dan hopes as he tries to figure out what exactly he would say.

<<Hi Phil, I’m very sorry, I hope you don’t mind me coming over. I managed to get myself locked out of my apartment and I had nowhere else to go… I’ll call the landlord and ask for a new 🔑 in the morning and be on my way…But if you don’t want me here, you can ask me to leave…>> He looks down to his fingers. He doesn’t even have the courage to look at his former best friend in the eye. What had they become? He thinks to himself.

<<You know, no matter how things will turn out and whatever happens between us, I thought you’d know by now that I’ll always be there for you and you’re always welcome here>> He opens the 🚪 so Dan can get inside his 🏠.

<<So of course you can spend the night.>>

<<Thank you Phil. I really appreciate that…Letting me stay here and not kicking my ass out as you should…>> He sighs. He really is sorry for the way he treated Phil. He shouldn’t have done that. To him, Phil was the brightest ⭐ in the entire galaxy, the most beautiful soul he had ever seen. A deep sadness took over him, crushing him and shaking him to the core. He looks tortured, like a 👶 who did something wrong, something his mother told him not to and now he regrets doing, he regrets even thinking about it, like it was an awful sin and he had to be forgiven. He breaks into 😢. He can’t hold this waterfall of regret any more, he tried too hard to, but he couldn’t. He has been on the brink of mentally breaking down for 3 months now. Nothing could make him stop thinking about the lack of Phil’s companionship, the feeling of always having someone who genuinely cares about him and is there for him when needed. Dan needed this more than he could understand, more than he was willing to admit to himself. And he did appreciate it. He really did. His mistake was never showing Phil just how much he means to him. Phil on the other ✋, looks at him in horror, unsure of what to do. He has to calm him down, it pains him to 👀 Dan like this, hurt and vulnurable. No matter what Dan said or how much his words hurt Phil, so much to the point where he had to move out, nothing could make Phil hate Dan. He pulls him into a tight hug, Dan trying to look smaller than he actually is, rests his head on Phil’s shoulder. Phil, as he tries to pat Dan softly on his back, can feel the younger boy’s 😢 streaming down on his own neck and moves his ✋ from Dan’s back to his eyes, wiping away his 😢.

<<It’s 🆗 Danny. Calm down>>

<<No it’s not 🆗 Phil. It never can be 🆗. You’ve spent all these years treating me much better than I deserved and in return, I treated you like 💩, because i’m a stupid arsehole who doesn’t know how to appreciate good people in his life.>>

<<No Dan, really what you said wasn’t nice and I can’t deny the fact that your words hurt me, but really don’t say these stuff about yourself. You are a good person Dan, and I can remember a few times when you were decent towards me.>> He smiles.

<<You don’t understand. I don’t deserve your kidness Phil, I really don’t. But I am very sorry for the pain I caused you. I’m sorry for being a dickhead. I’m sorry for hurting you and not being the best friend you deserve Phil, because you Phil deserve only the nicest people. Only the ones that at least try to make something of themselves by being kind to others, having gentle souls and not spend the entirety of their lives disrespecting others and speaking without thinking twice.>>

Phil is utterly socked. He really doesn’t know how he should react, what to say to calm Dan down. He had forgiven him, hell he couldn’t stand it being 😠 at Dan for too long, no matter what he did show to him, to Phil Dan had already been forgiven.

<<Dan, listen to me. No matter how many times we fight, how 😠 both you and I get at eachother, I can never get too mad at you, can’t stop calling you my best friend. I’m sorry we had to go through this, but we did, and now you’re here and I really don’t have a clue what to say to you, but I forgive you Dan. I forgive us both.>>

Dan looks at Phil, 😢 leaking off of his eyelids and down on his 👕.

<<Why did you leave then, Phil? You promised you wouldn’t, and I know it’s all my fault, and i’m sorry, but why did you leave me when I needed you the most?>>

<<Look, you were so 😠 Dan, you asked me to leave counltess times. You screamed at me and called me names I chose to repress, but you seemed so hurt, I didn’t know what to do, I talked to you, I tried to hug you, to reasure you everything was going to be alright, but you told me you needed time to yourself, and I chose to respect that. I felt so unwanted, like you actually wanted me to leave so desperately. So I did, but looking back to it, I reckon you didn’t truly want me to leave, did you?>>

Dan sighs. Phil is right, he himself basically kicked him out of their apartment.

<<Yeah>> He breathes <<I… I’m so sorry Phil>>

<<No Dan, it was my fault as well. Deep down, I knew even then that you didn’t want me to leave and I hate myself for doing it. I let you down Dan. But i’ll try to make things right Dan. We both will, we have time>>

<<Promise me you’ll never leave me again, will you? I am so lost without you…>>

<>

Despite the seriousness and no matter how deep and emotional their conversation is, Dan can’t help but 😂 at this.

<<Danny? Woah there mister Philip, when did I give you permission to call me Danny ?>>

<> He smiles, a huge grin, the only real one that has appeared on his face in an awfully long time <<It suits you>>

<<It does now, doesn’t it? Do I look like a Danny to you mate?>>

<<Ya, you’re one smol Danny boye>> He jokes. <<Isn’t that what the “Phandom” always says?>>

<<Oh dear the Phandom. They do say some weird stuff>>

<>

<<We got used to it though, didn’t we ?>>

<<Oh yeah, we did. I remember you didn’t always like them, though? I don’t blame you, they have said some 💩>>

<<They have. I mean, I don’t mind them “shipping” us but they go over the top sometimes, kinda disrespectful, you know? And back then, I wasn’t ready for people to know I’m pan, too anxious to talk about it. And what could we do? It wasn’t as if we were dating and being secretive. We weren’t, what could be said to that?Thinking about it, I reckon I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did. Maybe we should have told them it was purely platonic.>> was it though? This thought kept messing with him, but for now he tried to ignore it.

<<Yeah, you’re right maybe we should have, I don’t know. There’s not much we can do now, the past is in the past. Let’s just not talk about it again, there’s no point, anymore, they have probably left it behind, and we should too.>>

<<Yes I agree. So, are you sure it’s 🆗 if I stay here tonight ?>>

<>

<<Thank you Philly>>

Dan now finally has the time to look around inside Phil’s new apartment and his eyes widen at the sight. Phil’s apartment is huge, white walls and glass everywhere, huge windows from which you can 👀 and admire the entirety of beautiful London. You can even 👀 the London eye and the Big Ben tower. His lounge is nicely decorated with plants, white furniture and anime merchandise. There’s even a 🐟 tank filled with little 🐟, blooping hapilly. Dan moves towards them, eager and curious.

<<Their name’s are Susan,Timmy,Harry and… Dan. I named one after you.>>

<<Thank you Phil. But 🐟? How come you didn’t get hamsters hamster boy?>>

<<Hey, don’t call me that! I dunno, I got some 🐟 to keep me company. They don’t do much, but it’s a nice atmospere, isn’t it? It was pretty lonely here, 🏠 too large for one person. But I couldn’t resist renting it. It has big windows on every wall! You know how much i’ve always wanted to have big windows and a beautiful view>> His 😁 makes Dan’s ❤️ melt. He looks so 🙌 about something so simple like windows. He’s so angelic, like a happy 👶 getting a 🍭.

<<Yeah Phil, I know>> Dan laughs and then continues his quest all around Phil’s 🏠. Suddenly he stops, bewildered. He hears a soft 💩 leaving Phil’s 👄 as he walks into the next room, and stays still.

<<Phil? Is that… is that an actual white grand 🎹?>> He can’t hide the astonishment in his voice.

<<Well, I ordered it a month ago for you and it came just yesterday. I… You know, October still means a lot to me, been wanting to buy you a 🎁 for our “phanniversary”>> He sighs, <<I’ll never say that word again, I’m sorry>>

<< Woah, I mean Phil, thank you so so much, I can’t thank you enough, but really <<Phil, you shouldn’t have. This beautiful 💩 must have cost you a fortune for fuck’s sake!>>

<<No, don’t thank me. I’ve been wanting to buy you one for so long, there just never was enough space for it in our old apartment. And nothing costs too much if it’s for you>>

Dan can’t hold himself. He jumps on Phil and hugs him so tightly he can feel his heartbeat and the warmness of his jumper.

<<This is the single best 🎁 anyone has ever given me.>>

<<I’m so happy you like it! Go on then, play me something>>

<<Phil, you know i’m so bad at it!>>

<<No, you’re not. Play something!>>

He can’t refuse him. He’s far too 🙌 about his present and his fingers so eager to touch the white and black keys shining under the light of Phil’s Totoro lamp on the ceiling. He plays a melody he was certain Phil would enjoy and is right, as Phil looks at him is such awe and can’t help but sing along

<<Link it to the 🌍, link it to yourself>> Phil eyes widen in excitement as Dan continues to play New Born, and before he has even finished playing the song, Phil has already sat next to him, his ✋ on Dan’s shoulder, feeling the muscles of his arm stretch as he hits the last note.

<<It was pretty bad, but I tried. Did you like it?>> He asks, nervous that he didn’t play Phil’s favorite song as nicely as it deserves to be played.

<<Are you joking? I 💛 it>> His 😁 is so bright, it makes Dan’s ❤️ skip a beat. Phil really is beatiful. It’s not the first time Dan has acknowledged this, but he is so amazingly beautiful. His blue eyes filled with emotion, shining behind his glasses. His 😁, gentle and welcoming, could melt even the coldest person’s ❤️, his black hair, skinny jeans and 🆒 T-shirts. Dan honestly had never seen such beauty. Phil to Dan was perfect, in his own unique way. He shakes his head. What the hell Howell? Isn’t it weird thinking about your best friend that way? His best friend… Phil and he are just friends right? But are they?Is it normal to get this incredibly unnatural feeling of nervousness and God forbid, butterflies in your stomach by the realization of how incredibly adorable your friend is? Dan at least hopes it is. But how could he even pretend? When Phil is his favorite person, the one that never fails to make him 😁? Someone with whom Dan always sees himself with? Always next to him, as friends or otherwise, it’s always Dan and Phil.

Dan suddenly panics. Could he possibly be developing a not so easily ignorable crush on his former flatmate? No that’s not possible. Right?

Then, promptly, Phil stops his wayward thoughts because he gets up and pulls him up with him.

<<I’m really glad you’re here Dan. I really missed you. I missed you manly screaming while we’re playing video games, I missed listenning you playing the 🎹, the banter, I missed waiting for you to wake up…in the noon to watch anime and eat cereal, though you hardly ever had any because I kept stealing yours, I have a problem, 🆗? Don’t judge me! My point is, I was miserasble with you not being here, and I wish we could start over>>

<<I was miserable too Phil. I really was. My mood was always terrible, the existential crisis way more frequent… Anime was not the same without your commentary on it. I was so 😔, I felt so empty all the time you know? The only thing I wanted to do was to call you, tell you how sorry I was and I wouldn’t care if you hung up on me, I just wanted to hear your voice. But I never had the courage to and I’m sorry>>

<<It’s 🆗. You’re here now and that’s all that matters.>> <<Dan…I…>>

<<What?>>

He doesn’t answer. He looks deep into Dan’s eyes, grabs his ✋ and pulls him closer, so they lose every sense of personal space. His 👄 are now on Dan’s, his ❤️ pounding in his chest as Dan responds to the 😘, deepening it. Phil’s 👄 are like a prayer, soft and warm, and only then does he realize just how much he wanted to feel those 👄. How much emotion Phil’s 👄 express, and how deeply 😍 he was with his best friend. Was this really happening? Or was this another one of his dreams? Phil pulls away and smiles at him. It was real.

<<Um…Sorry if this was too inappropriate>>

<<It was Phil. But you have no 💡 how much I 💛 it>> He giggles. He did. Oh how much he did. <<That’s what bros do these days right?>>

<<Yeah, that’s exactly what they do>> He’s 😂 now, a melodic laughter that makes Dan weak.

<<Do not leave me bro, will you?>>

<<No>> He breaths. <>

#i might not have a phan blog but #hopefully #enjoy this #phanfiction #i wrote #probably an #one shot #phan #amazingphil #danisnotonfire #daniel howell #phil lester #dnp #fanfiction #sorry if this is too cringe #dip and pip #phannie #probably #fluff