#probably spelling errors

[mellifiedberries]

Okay, talking on the cutscene from today, I think one of two things could have happened,

Long post incoming, keep in mind I'm a tr!ros main!

Either A: Stultus came and visited her in a dream, asking her these questions and seeing of she has the traits to become their next entertainer, considering the fact that tr!owen didn't want to come back, and the question 'are you willing to sacrifice everything for others suffering?'

Or B: tr!Ros was genuinely dreaming and Stultus was a manifestation of her darkest thoughts. Who questioned her motivations and encouraging her to fall to darkness, and follow through with the thoughts she pushes away, ie killing everyone and tormenting those she hates. They're a manifestation of all the hurt, rage, and paranoia that she's gained over the server. If this theory is true, the reason it takes the form of a keeper is to remind her of this darkness, and 'force her hand' to do things. Her saying things like 'Because of you, I don't have anything to lose' and 'Do I really think that?' and all of her other responses make it sound like it's not another person, it's a part of herself saying this

Dissecting these quotes, first, 'Because of you, I have little left to lose' the delivery of this line is interesting, the slight hesitance before she finishes 'I have. little left to lose' makes it sound like she's unsure, that maybe a part of her knows she has more to lose then she says. Also the way she says 'because of you' to stultus, a keeper we know little about besides from !owen, who was brief, can either be a generalization towards the keepers, the higher beings in control, or if it's B, a dig at herself, for pushing away those she cares for.

In the second piece of dialogue, they say to 'Take accountability and pride in your actions' which is interesting because she has issues with this, she can't see the flaws in her actions, and talks so much about doing more malicious things, but never does.

The slight softness in her question, the way her voice wavers in her delivery, 'Do I really think that?' do *I* is the important thing here, she's not talking about what they think, she's talking about herself, she's finally scraping at her darkest thoughts and processing them.

The next line 'Is this the person I'm supposed to be?' is interesting as well, not what she wants, what she's supposed to be. She always has issues of people telling what to say and how to act and who to be, so the use of supposed to is kind of heartbreaking to hear, because it's not what SHE wants, it's what they want. Who "they" is I'm not quite sure, it could be Stultus, her enemies, or maybe a higher force at play. But it's not up to her.

She gets no reply, and the cutscene ends with a fade to black, leaving her answerless.

[georgichan]

Life Update

Saw my nieces and nephews tonight at a family party. It’s honestly an experience I swear. These kids think I’m mature and grown up and it’s just so confusing. I can remember going to those and being the kid. The kid who people would be extra kind to and ask how’s school. It’s just weird because I don’t feel grown up. I don’t feel like an adult. I don’t feel like that at all. Yet I thought I would. It just shows how skewed our perceptions are of ‘grown ups’ when we’re younger. 

Still it was nice spending time with them and my sister/brother in law. Also sung a bit of let it go with the kiddies and uptown funk. Don’t believe me just watch. Okay erm... Yeah.  I didn’t know many people there as usual, even those I did know I didn’t talk to other than one or two words exchanged as I passed them to get food. I do not relish in those environments. Often people huddle in their own groups anyway so it’s hard not to do the same. Honestly I’m glad the kids were there, it’s easier to talk to them than adults. Adults that ask about work and whether I’m going back to education. Not that I hate talking about it, I don’t. It just seems it’s all that matters. I also have little to tell on that other than a part time job and an information evening. I didn’t get asked if I had a boyfriend however. Which is the usual question when I see my nan. She always jokes that I’m lying. If only I were, never seems to be an update in that department. Unfortunately.  In others news in my life I did go to the orthodontist today. I may have to have surgery on my jaw as braces alone won’t fix the problem. I’m being referred to the hospital to get a second opinion so I’ll get more information later. I’ve already been asked if I was worried about the surgery, I don’t really know the details yet so no, not really. If it helps fix my teeth I’m all for it. I can’t even imagine how much easier brushing/eating will be. Also it’d be great to have confidence in my smile; I can’t even imagine that right now. It seems so out of reach to smile and radiate confidence when I do. Oh I did mention it earlier but next week I will be going to an information evening for a foundation course. Due to my AS levels not going the way I planned and leaving college, I’d been hoping this would be the thing for me. I’ve looked into hundreds of times and I can’t even count how long I waited to find updated information on their website. I honestly hope I have a chance of getting a place on this course. I miss learning so much and I’m just so eager to start again. I think having this break has just made me yearn for this more and want to go to university more. I can’t wait to learn more about it. I’m super excited about it all I cannot wait to start my journey of education again.

Also I now have a part time job. Hoping to get a charity position to fill a few other days, I just wanted to get used to working first. I was so nervous at first and I’m finally starting to be comfortable. I just didn’t want to pile my plate too high and give myself too much. I honestly feel like I’m being reasonable about this.  Also set up my first bank account. Not been paid yet but that should be nice. I should hopefully have in time before easter. It’ll be nice to actually have money to spend on gifts. Yes I am super excited about that fact.

This turned into a longer post that planned. Still perhaps I just had more stored up inside than I thought. This felt nice.  Anyway, I’m super tired. So going to wipe my make up off and fall asleep. Hopefully tomorrow will be a productive day. 

[gunhip]

it is 4:38 AM and i am truly jealous of anyone that has their shit even moderately figured out. i can't myself and i am losing sleep. i'm dreaming about bones cracking, walking into a castle made of broken spoons, and comfortably drowning in a sweet syrupy liquid. it has the same golden color as the guy who i still sometimes have nightmares about. the ones where my mouth feels like it's burning if i don't open it; and i'd rather swallow a lump of ember than remember what bracing myself for sudden impact feels like. i'm trying to tell myself it's not real but i'm waking up with the taste of metal in my mouth. i can't stop running my tongue over that tiny scar in my lip and i can't get rid of the feeling that damaged goods don't get happy endings. i bruise my own ego trying to revisit these parts of myself with dignity. this is a place i try not to visit and never miss when i depart. all i know is that i love you and that comes with every part you wish you could hide from me. all i know is that i wish i could take every single uncomfortable feeling you carry and keep it in this part of me. i can handle it carefully and i will keep it safe. i wish you could hand these feelings off and let me keep them.

[georgichan]

honesty hour - In love with love and the idea of a relationship (I felt like giving this a title.... Don't ask)

Guys I just do not do relationships 

This guys was interested in me but lets be honest when he said he was interested in 2 other girls I was put off so far I almost fell into narnia. (did that make sense? Sorry it's almost 1 am) Still he says that but we still arrange to meet up. Anything we plan didn't really happen. Hugely on my part. I wasn't trying to be cruel, just relationships and all that stuff is incredibly new to me in the sense I've never really been in an actual one. No first kiss, no nothing. So yeah, I was uncomfortable really. And the fact he came out today and told me online he found someone else who has more in common with him and yeah blah blah blah. I feel like I should be more concerned but I really couldn't think of what to say. I mean I wasn't hurt, I wasn't bothered.  So I replied with "Cool bro." I don't even know why, I just didn't know what else to say.

I came to the conclusion that I'm really in love with the idea of being in a relationship. I don't think anything's wrong with that. But I think I liked more that their was someone out there that liked me (you know in that way). That I don't really want a relationship right now, not really. As dorky as this sounds I'd rather just take things slow, in the sense getting to know someone first etc. 

I also honestly don't know why I posted this here. just thought I would....

[breakfastglitter-blog]

Last Nite she said, "Oh baby I feel so down."

Last night was the best night of life. Even though I have a banging headache right now and even though it doesn't feel like it. I saw The Strokes for the first time and it replaced sadness. Honestly it was the best night of my life because I couldn't even remember when I felt that happy. It's been so long since I felt anything really besides sadness and bits of hope. I sound depressing I know. But with so much that has just crumbled around me, I just learned to live with it. That's life right? ...Going home on the train I listened to You Are A Tourist and I was like, I wonder who he's writing about or what he's writing about. I kind of realized it after I kept it on repeat. Because I could connect to the words so easily...

When there's a burning in your heart an endless yearning in your heart. Build it bigger than the sun. Let it grow, let it grow. When there's a burning in your heart. Don't be alarmed. This fire grows higher. When there's a doubt within your mind, because you're thinking all the time framing rights into wrongs. Move along, move along. When there's a doubt within your mind. When there's a burning in your heart and you think it'll burst apart or there's nothing to feel. Save the tears, save the tears. When there's a burning in your heart. And if you feel just like a tourist in the city you were born then it's time to go and find your destination. There's so many different places to call home because when you find yourself the villain in the story you have written. It's plain to see that sometimes the best intentions are in need of redemption's. Would you agree? If so please show me.

"Because you're thinking all the time framing rights into wrongs."

I've come to the conclusion that I fuck everything good in my life because I think so much and it always get's to the best of me because I'm always turning a good situation into a devastating over thought. So that must stop.

"There's so many different places to call home."

I've always been in the middle about living in new york. I always begged my mother to live there and when I'm with my sister, I'm fine. I am content about living there. But when I spent some time wondering alone last night (not completely with two of my other friend's). I found myself talking care of them and making sure they follow my every move. It was overwhelming and frightening. Because we had to take the subway without my sister and all these other thing's. And since my anxiety was already high enough that day, I had to reassure myself that I got this. I mean I've been on the subway a million times, just with my sister. Every time I'm in the city, I'm either feel like... "This is it." or "What am I doing here?" Out of my comfort zone. In a way it was very liberating and shocking. Another thing about that line up there... I use to call someone my home but then I realized my home is now gone and what shall I do? I can't do anything. I also listened to a very old song that gave me the happiest feeling ever (which is usually followed up by a realization of reality and a depressing aftermath) but I wasn't sad. I was happy that I ever got to experience that regardless of how thing's turned. I was thankful that I ever got to feel that way.

Maybe I can die content now. Well after I see Metric.

Awful sweet to be a little butterfly. Wingin' over thing's nothing deep inside. Nothing going, going wild in you, you know. You're slowing by the riverside...