We should love everyone, and put forth an effort to be at peace at all times with all people, creating peace where there isn’t, and being willing to be the person who is offended. This post is in no way intending to remove Jesus’ instruction that we will be known as Christians by our love. However, if you have been in ministry for any amount of time, you know that there are some people who are just... difficult. Typically they are upper middle class and white, but not always depending on your area and the history. What is the purpose of this post? So you do no ensnare yourself by putting a “problem person” (someone who creates problems and demands their own way) in a leadership position, compromise your mission for the sake of pacifying them, or be surprised at their (usual) betrayal. Don’t see *some people* as enemies, don’t prejudge people, don’t give up on people, and see betrayal behind every face. But also don’t be naive and think that people who have been playing the church game will change over a few months or years. They will expect you to be the same as the church they were at with the best and longest memories, or they will treat your church like a mall established solely for their pleasure. And, not finding what they’re looking for, they will go to the next church and the next one. So these problem people, what are they like?
*Just because someone does these things doesn’t make them one of those immovable pillars of complaint and dissatisfaction, but those who are like that will usually do these things*
- They try and control the heater. Don’t ask me why. They think they speak for everyone and that you are too stupid to know if it should be turned up or down. This small thing becomes a big opportunity for a power struggle.
- They oppose direction. It doesn’t necessarily matter if it’s a heretical direction or not, they just oppose your church running well, having a point, having guidelines, having clearly defined what makes success and failure, having plans for where to take the church, refusing waste of resource ministries that don’t support the church’s directions, and refusing some based on their inability to meet that standard. Maybe it’s because they weren’t consulted, maybe it’s because their core values (politics for instance) are not being addressed by the church’s core value (reaching the lost for instance).
- They think they need to have a say in everything, and they question everything-not in a healthy sort or “conversational” way, but in a sort of challenging way. They see themselves as wardens to take the church back to some golden age that probably never really existed. It could be centered around a previous pastor, a happy memory, a place they moved from, or someone who used to be in the church. Sometimes they try to get onto committees or boards so they can 1. insure the forward momentum is not achieved 2. try to protect the church from the pastor rather than support his vision 3. protect the finances from some perceived threat that may happen in the next 50 years rather than based off actual merit or history at the current location 4. maintain some level of control.
- They are focused on the good ol’ days and will do anything to take the church back there. They see it as a museum they have to protect from the world rather than God’s hands and feet that have to love and serve the least. Everything is focused on the building: all ministries and expenses have to be in the church and for the church.
- They don’t see ministry to people as part of their calling. In fact, they usually won’t stick with ministries that require them to serve and love people in general and especially ministries where they have to do something for the good of someone they think is lower than them - such as drug addicts. They usually won’t do food pantries, widow’s services, kids activities and so on for long if they do it at all, but they will be the first to clean toilets and pick up trash, or set up for events. One thing I do is I leave little tests. Especially if you are thinking of putting someone in leadership, put them in situations that you can test them or the situation will test them. You want to know how they handle conflict and irritants, because your church depends on it. They need to be paying tithes, a member, going for at least 3 years, observed through conflict, involved, supportive in someone else’s ministry continually, BEFORE they are put into leadership or allowed to start a new ministry. Don’t put someone in leadership so that they will grow, to pacify them, or without being sure of their character. I put a few broken picks on the floor where I played. Every week, they would pick them up and put them on my music stand. Every week I would put them back on the floor. We repeated this every week. They were the same 3 picks every week. Why did I do this? Because I suspected that they were problem people. How did my test show me that? Because they weren’t willing to talk to me about why I put it on the floor, nor to throw it away, nor to leave it alone. They had to do things their way. They would never talk with me about the picks either. So what did I do? After I had my answer, I threw the picks away and started praying hard specifically for them. I saw warning signs in their character and service, and I prayed that they would change before they caused a problem, that their bad attitude wouldn’t spread, and that my attitude would improve and that the leadership wouldn’t get bitter towards them.
- They typically see their resources as a gift from God, as they themselves are, and they will withhold finances and other support if you don’t cave to their demands. They won’t say it like that though. They’ll say that they don’t agree with your decision (as though any 2 people agree on anything), and they will have a long list of grievances that they will make sound worse than they really are. Then they will talk to others so they can say “I’m not the only one that feels this way”. Upon closer inspection, they will not be able to give clear moral critique, but just twisted stories and what “they felt like” was being said or done. If you say anything to them, they will instantly be defensive, but you better be happy and a yes man all the time.
- They are maintenance and preservation minded. If they were a company, they would be blockbuster: they want to have a lot of options that got them where they are 20 years ago, but they don’t want to adapt, change, or expand. They typically want to do the same things they’ve always done (read the bible 30 minutes a day and go to church on the weekend) and expect it to be good enough and even take them to where they’ve never been before.
- They typically get stuck in ruts. An example would be that they only like songs from their childhood that they have been singing all their lives. In fact, problem people will try and get on the worship team as either a singer or a pianist usually, and they will push against new songs, complain about new songs, and glorify hymns and how they relate to whatever situation they are going through. Obviously there is nothing wrong with old songs, but that doesn’t mean you have to keep the music stuck in the 50′s while the culture is almost 100 years ahead. If anyone says any comment whether positive, neutral, or negative about the music it will be them even if nobody else says anything.
- They will find online resources that agree with their own views and then regurgitate them as fact without any understand of history, languages, or theology.
- They see relevance, bridge-building, and engagement with the culture as evil, and the church must be as they used to be when from a certain era that they cling to, be it the 1950′s, the 1800s or whenever.
- They usually sit in the same spot every week, assume everyone knows its theirs, refuse to move, and get angry with those who sit in their assigned seats. New people are more of an irritant than anything.
- They have frequent complaints but very few praises. Everyone could be doing a better job except for them. Pacifying them won’t work. It may temporarily divert complaints, but they will resurface. When they do, you will have lost your forward momentum, your honor, and your purpose for no reason. There will always be something else, always a conflict, always something that they need to stick their nose in.
- They are more severe than the biblical Law. Preferences are exalted over morals, and they are always weighing others. People oftentimes become nothing more than positive and negative signs, not just for them but for other who get caught up or betrayed by them. Everyone starts reducing people to what they can personally be profited by having them in their lives.
- Don’t ever assume the spouse isn’t like them. If they have been married for any length of time, they have rubbed off on each other. Don’t judge someone else for the actions of one, but don’t foolishly judge without any test whatsoever.
- They have cliques or create cliques of people who will agree with them on issues that usually don’t have anything to do with the mission of the church.
Did I mention they complain a lot? There is more that could be said, but you get the point. Just because you are a small church doesn’t mean you should compromise purpose, vision, direction, and mission for the sake of keeping one or two. How do I know these things? I’ve been in ministry over 15 years. When you do something for 15 years, you pick up on stuff. Some problem people change (but not few), some people become problem people. It is not your job to change them. You give opportunity, you teach, you love, you serve, you protect. But it’s their job to change. And if they weren’t willing to let God change them, there’s no change you ever had in changing them.
