May 24, 2025
New day, new headache. Bleh
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New day, new headache. Bleh
I realised I was in prodrome earlier, which I don't normally do
If I had a reliable abortive I could have taken it then, but I dont
I was restless and unable to settle, and I had this feeling of craving something, but not knowing what
Just had dinner, bam, pain phase hit
So many people are unaware that prodrome even exists as a part of migraine, nevermind knowing that part of it can be thungs like weird sadness for no reason, restlessness, agitation, sometimes elation.
Migraine isnt a headache.
When you feel a migraine coming
Feeling sudden random joy and thinking “I love my life — except this this horrible neck pain” and realizing, wait yes it was a good day but why am I feeling like this. Oh shit euphoria and neck pain are both prodrome symptoms.
Fuck.
Me: Why do I feel so miserable?? What's wrong with me???
The next day
Me: Ah. Migraine.
Why do I want to eat a whole mudcake? I ate breakfast, my stomach is full, and I'm not hungry, I just want to eat 400grams of chocolate cake.
1 hour later.
There is a vice around my head and the demon called Migraine is squeezing it tighter and tighter. Can someone drill my temples and get the pressure out. Oh, Ibumax save me, Ibumax from this pain.
Accepting that I may have not dealt with OCD and that I was probably, in fact, psychotic, or in an adjacent state, is so fucked up, and a huge process.
I was self aware enough to know something is wrong, sure, but didn't connect the dots, ocd on the surface seemed like the thing, but when I dug deeper now that I'm more level headed it does Not sound like it.
Yeah sure! I had intrusive thoughts- that were powered by thinking that gods were reading my mind. Sure, I had intrusive thoughts about scary things happening- because I was paranoid. Sure I had trouble with germs and illnesses- because I literally believed in miasma. Sure I had trouble eating and thought my food was contaminated- because I thought my mom was trying to kill me.
I didn't consider all the things that didn't align with OCD, I just thought "pff yeah me being terrified to sleep at night and look at windows bc there's a monster there that's gonna kill me is CLEARLY just an intrusive thought lol" "well I bet everyone thinks they can control weather and the World with their mind" no. It was not. I was delusional, just slightly self aware. I constantly thought I was gonna Die Soon, either because of a major diseaster, a heart attack, being poisoned by a family member, or Just Cause. I had hallucinations, though fleeting and again, self aware.
Thought my reduced affect, issues around people, paranoia and Very Big interest in religion was actually autism, yknow, special interests, issues socializing and stuff- it wasn't.
And at the same time I was completely convinced that I had magic powers, that gods and angels were trying to communicate with me through posts, numbers, things outside, things other people said- but that didn't bring me distress so I didn't care. Oh the issues with hygiene? The withdrawal? Constant feeling of dread and doom? Well I just have depression!
That period was so. So tiring. It lasted from 2019 to 2024. It slowly started fizzling out around 2023, but it was exhausting, I still struggle with many of the things I mentioned above, just not so much so that they're consuming my life, I'm pretty sure I'm in post-psychotic depression.
I'm lucky enough that it ended by itself, that it didn't get worse. But considering this was the Second episode of this? It will come back. And it will be worse the third time. I have to see a doctor soon, but I'm terrified, it's something I'm ashamed of speaking about, my friends only learned about these things this year and they knew me when it was happening- because I was hiding it. A part of me still thinks I'm overthinking it and that Clearly I just have anxiety- but this isn't anxiety.
Maybe I'm schizotypal, since I've not had a full break from reality- or maybe I'm constantly in the prodrome and I'll break in the future. But one thing is certain: I fucking need meds lmao
Think I'm in prodrome right now.
Weiiiiird.
Took a triptan but sometimes it doesn't work, we'll see.
Have a headache anyway