#proseposting

[purpleprosey]

Soon I’m going to take another step towards breaking free from the shell that’s encased me for so long. I’m going to start HRT. Truthfully, I wasn’t even sure about this myself until a few days ago. And yet I already know this was so, so, so worth it already. 

It wasn’t as hard as my mind made it out to be. This had been some insurmountable obstacle in the back of my mind, terrifyingly beautiful and imposing, whispering to me every time I looked at myself in the mirror. This isn’t you. This wasn’t who you were supposed to be. The possibility haunted me, followed me to the morning light piercing pouring out the windows. To the warm water of the shower as I huddled into my knees trying to cry. To the quiet space of my cocoon of blankets at 3 in the morning, music drifting from my headphones three feet away. It didn’t really leave me. I just distracted myself because I… didn’t believe I knew how it could feel to be me. But when I finally made the decision it didn’t take me long to get everything sorted out. In that way I’m lucky.

But listen: you don’t need to be fully confident in yourself to do this. You’re never going to be ready. There’s never going to be a perfect time. But you have to be kind to yourself. You have to give yourself the chance that she deserves. I know it’s really scary. But you can do this. I believe in you, wholeheartedly.

And if you’re not ready yet, or if you can’t afford to yet, or if you’re still questioning, that’s ok. See how it feels. For me the little changes were really everything. Shaving my legs and arms, trimming my brows, trying on makeup, and most of all painting my nails - all these little things have improved me in my mind significantly. You don’t have to do any of this to be a trans woman, to present feminine at all, but if you want to or you’re even just unsure you should try it out for a little. The most important thing? Love your own body, your expression, based on your own standards and no one else’s. Do what speaks to you and only you. 

Then maybe you’ll be able to find the girl nestled deep inside, buried underneath your chest in the layers of her prison of cold grey fog, and she’ll take a little peek through your eyes every day until she becomes you and you become her.

[purpleprosey]

Do you ever feel like your characters have more... depth than you do as an actual real human being? More meaning?

It's funny that as a writer, I like making characters with so many vast perspectives and so many emotions, and then in real life I'm... this awkward person who eats and sleeps and goes to school and doesn't contribute much. Seriously I don't have a single thought in my head. When someone asks me to explain something I'm so scatterbrained and can't really put it into words well

But as soon as I force myself to write, boom, there's so many ideas out there that I didn't even know I could understand. That I didn't know was even POSSIBLE for me to comprehend. My characters can wax poetic for paragraphs about the nature of suffering or anarchy or their trauma while in real life if someone asked me about any of those things I'd go "eh I don't know I'm not that thoughtful of a person." In real life I'm bad with expressing words and thoughts, and online I'm bad with expressing emotion.

But my characters aren't.

It's fun for me to visualize that they're spirits in the air being channeled through my body, possessing me through every single letter on the page. Spirits summoned forth in fleeting moments of inspiration before I go back to scrolling through my phone and doing nothing. Characters that have more capacity for thought and feeling than I ever will, because they aren't me.

...Except that they are. Of course. Maybe they're untapped little parts of my voice, yearning to be let out... I don't know. Probably. But it's why I like writing, because I get to feel like different people for a while and it's really, really freeing.

[purpleprosey]

I love how frequently I forget how to portray my own characters. like for a period of time they were possessing my brain, and now they aren’t, which leaves me unable to find their voices to capture.

then the only recourse I have is to pull up “their most memorable quotes” and stare at them repeatedly while panicking over making everyone OOC even though it’s my own writing. in this way my imagination is like fruit on a tree that I can never reach again in quite the same way…

[purpleprosey]

So not sure if this is just a little idiosyncrasy of mine or not but I find it very extremely hard not to use interjections like "hmm" or "oh" or "well" at the start of my sentences.

Otherwise showing emotion online is just so difficult. Big jump but do you ever feel like your personality is a fabrication, but you can't express yourself naturally either, so you're stuck typing every word over and over until it "fits you well enough?" And tone tags can help but still don't always convey things well or make your sentences sound less, I don't know, rigid and artificial

Is this normal? Because HELP I cannot speak informally at all sometimes. Like I'm forcing emotion onto myself when there's nothing. Is this like a common neurodivergent experience because I may have it to an extreme degree... alas

[purpleprosey]

I love how 95% of this blog is me happily reblogging my favorite fandoms and blorbos

and the remaining 5% is introspective ramblings on mental health

ah... the duality of tumblr