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seen from Philippines
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[TW for drawings of blood]
Survivor Aggression
Okay to reblog (Please don’t save or repost)
Also also. If they're so unlovable, why do we force ourselves to do things beyond our physical limitations all the time just so their life is a little better? We've literally tripped down the stairs doing laundry for them when we're having a POTS episode. We've scrubbed walls and cleaned floors until we're too weak to do anything but lay on the floor.
And their dogs! Their dogs stick their noses places they fucking shouldn't almost every day but they aren't being told to rehome their dogs, even though the dogs are hated and feared. Having a ptsd episode every day, typically multiple times a day, isn't a way to live. Just end up curled up in a ball dissociating for an hour or two.
They act like our exhost wasn't one of the more stable and secure alters in my head. She could push past practically anything. She was amazing. But now she can't even front because they treated her and our group so poorly. That's the thing with most of my system: they can't front because it's not safe to. What the fuck. And if they can, it's only briefly and when we're completely alone. That's beyond fucked up.
They say to talk about issues but when we do I like did last night, calmly and nicely - it's still too much for them!! I fucking held them as they were crying and comforted them and it still wasn't good enough. I'll never be good enough. We'll never be good enough. It's painfully obvious.
This morning while they slept, I got hit in the mouth. I fucking tasted blood for the next half hour. God forbid I lay next to you in bed. I get it, you can't control what happens while you're asleep. But I don't like how the first thing I feel the need to do when I'm laying or sitting next to them is cover (guard) vulnerable spots of my body. I don't like the loud cracking in my neck when I go to look up. I don't like how I can hardly see out of both eyes. Apparently it was getting better. Was.
I hate how they're like "B-b-b-but people over there don't want to talk to us :0" but they treat us like shit and if someone expresses that they're open to talking, fuck them ig right? Then acting like it's a fucking surprise they don't make an effort to be around. If you don't fucking talk to someone, even if it's just fucking writing out a goddamn letter - why bother? Express interest just to let their hopes down. Cool. Then for G&S, you wouldn't even fucking talk to them. There was a miscommunication and then there's this. You didn't even fucking give them a chance but you're sooo into them. Okay. I'm pissed. It's just cruel. Completely fucking cruel.
Points I brought up last night about attempting to reconnect via certain methods were brought up before but they couldn't fucking commit to them. I don't expect them to now. It could help our relationship but they've proven in the past they're not up for the effort. And for going on walks together, why the FUCK would you want to bring your dogs when they've been disgusting towards my body for months and months? It's supposed to be an activity to help us reconnect, not this bullshit.
I give up.
