#prttywaves

[prttywaves]

If God gives grace to you in all his royalty, who are you to not give grace to yourself? Be patient with your process, you'll become that person in the right time.

@prttywaves

[prttywaves]

today I got off the carousel

I have finally gained the strength, courage, faith in God, and enough respect for my future to walk away from barely good enough. this is the biggest sacrifice I have made thus far in my journey and I know that today will start the healing process of releasing the old and opening my arms to new possibilities, new opportunities, new connections, and new territory. new life. the essences of sacrifice is actually pretty poetic, it's art. for something to come to life, something must be put to death. there's beauty in the blood. deep crimson, staining and terrifying but also the evidence of life. never has there been a masterpiece without madness, or the best lyrics without heartbreak. art is at the end of this chaos. walking through the destruction caused by the chaos, to get to the beauty is required for the credibility of art being art.

[prttywaves]

As long as you Live, there will Always be another You to Find and Accept

i was going to write about something else today, but i feel like im being lead to just share something’s, kinda in a reminiscing way. im looking back at who i was on this day and as i remember the state my mind and spirit was in, i can be nothing but grateful for the progress that i have chosen to make. i’m thankful for the process. i’m thankful for the breaking, and the stripping, and the burst of joy that i’ve came into. i’m thankful for the true love that i’m walking in and experiencing on a daily basis. the consistently love that is available to me for all eternity. i’m thankful for a renewed mind and for my thoughts coming up to a higher standard. by higher standard i mean, letting go of destructive thought patterns. stop believing and listening to the thoughts that speak to me and say that i don’t have anything to contribute to this world, crushing those thoughts. the thoughts that make me overthink situations more than what i have to. God breaking anxiety off of me, day by day it’s getting easier to put my trust in Him and live from day to day without being anxious. day by day i am walking into purpose and discovering the original me. this time last year, i was struggling with identity, letting anger and hurt go, i was looking for “love” in all the wrong places and that right there, thats something that means more than just in a relationship. acceptance from people and needing their validation. dealing with being lonely learning how to be okay alone. it’s so much that i have learned just in one whole year, and no one knows how grateful and happy i am, right in this very moment. 

i have made a lot of progress and i do realize that i am nowhere near done with my season of growth, but i am now in my blossoming season. things are about to bloom and unfold, surely and actually a bit quicker than what i thought it would. i’m going day by day. i’m understanding this. tackle one thing day by day if you have to, but if you can take on two things,thats fine. whatever does not overwhelm you. but as for me, i think it might be one thing at a time i should aim at. and as i come out of that one thing, like shifting my mind, and coming into conquering my fears, thats the shift. it amazes me that even after we make some of the most distasteful choices, our destiny isn’t ripped out the notebook of life and balled up to be tossed into the trash can. no, it’s actually all the opposite. its apart of the story that the Author already imagined in his head and put it down on the paper. it was already written. whatever that “it” is that you are struggling with getting past, that was written and there is an outcome that’s favorable for you. i’m still learning and accepting this truth as well. it’s a beautiful truth to replay in your head. along with another truth that helps me, things won’t be the way they are, because things changed to bring you to this moment. everything changes, without notice sometimes. things change, you change right with them. even if you think a change is for the worse, it actually works together for the good at the end of the day if you know who holds your world. knowing that Jesus foreknew my flaws and my process, the creator of my process, it brings me comfort and assurance.knowing that i was built for THIS, to come out conquering my mission, it’s a comforting fact to be aware of. 

so hello progression, it’s nice to meet you. i am no longer who i was, and who i am right now is just as beautiful as who i am becoming. stay patient with yourself you’ll get to the final product of this process. embrace the journey of finding who you were created to be. we’re forever evolving, forever growing, as long as we live.

[prttywaves]

If the process was meant to be pretty, there would be no reason for the breaking

the thing that i am learning now is that the process is ugly. the process forces you to come face to face with the ugly truths, and lies that live deep in your soul. some examples of what i mean by “ugly truths” would be... i struggled with fear and anxiety. i also have overcame depression, (and just a good sidenote, i have learned to say “i am” instead of “i’m trying to, or i deal with” because thru Jesus i know that i already have overcame these battles because He has won them for me. also my brother Alvin brought that to my attention as well. he said he has been working on saying i am, or just doing things that he would normally put “try” next too. he motivated me to do the same.) i realized that i didn’t know who i really was because i took on so many different identities from sifting through so many different people in my life, trying to live up to their standards and how they saw me instead of being who i am and having them take it as is, or leave and let me be. i realized that i allowed people to have large pieces of my soul and it left me with barely anything for myself. i realized that i was a mess. and that it is okay to be that mess. because i am learning that God’s grace covers our mess. He cleans us and he is not intimidated with how broken or messy we are. in His eyes, He sees the mess, its undeniably there, but i love Him because he looks past it and He only focuses on WHO He originally created. the original beautiful and perfect image of His creation. the original form of who He created us to be. all of that, the REAL YOU. that is who He sees. that’s what the process is about. getting back or just getting to that person. ( honestly, i can say there are two parts in the breaking. well two sides, i likes sides better than parts because there are many, many parts to the process as long as you live on this earth. the ugly and the beauty of the ugly. but thats for another time.) 

the lies that dwell inside your soul and the mind. those can be the hardest things to face sometimes because, for me, it seems as if lies were being told constantly from the time i was born until december so almost my whole life. everything that you thought was true, everything that you knew to be true about the people around you who say they “love” you. everything that you thought was true about your identity, it was all a lie. coming face to face with those lies were definitely apart of the scariest, darkest moments that i’ve been in. it was so scary to me because everything was stripped away from me. the perception of  who my family was, broken. my identity, shredded. and i realized now that it was only devastating to me because i associated my identity with other people around me. i never got to full discover who i was because i was always told. i was always given and i could never find, because the moment i got curious and wanted to do things my own way, i was ridiculed for it, i was told i was selfish. but if you have to get selfish to journey, to process. discovering who you are does require a bit of selfishness. if not, then you will never have an authentic story to tell. you’ll never be authentic. only a duplicate. (and one thing i will say is that true love is never manipulative, its never controlling, its never fearful. that is not love. that is a perverted love. that is manipulation. and again, that is for another post, but that is what it is.) un-programming all the lies about myself, who i thought i was, what and who i thought i needed, “values” i had to unlearn because they weren’t good moral values but simply fancy ways to keep you disillusioned and chained to links of brokenness, all of this seemed so scary and hard but He had to remind me of who’s and who i really am.

HE had to remind me that there is no such thing as too broken. there is no such thing as too messy for Him to handle. His hands are big enough to hold my brokenness and fix it at the same time, while fixing yours too. trust is what this boils downs to. the questions came to me. are you sure you really trust the God you read about and sing about and pray to every day? are you seriously sure that you believe in Him? because the process will test your trust and faith in Jesus the Creator. I am being stretched to lengths i didn’t even know existed for me. yes this process is also humbling as well. (for another post yet again and again, sorry) I feel my spirit becoming stronger, i feel my mind turning and being transformed. standards are being set. things that i found acceptable are no longer so in my eyes, my language is changing. my expectations are transforming. the challenge to think bigger and broader. i am expelling negativity as soon as it shows its signs drawing near. with His help, i am taking my mind back and i am making thoughts of purity, loveliness, grace, and Truth dance repeatedly in my brain on a daily basis. no matter how many times of day i need that reminder, i allow myself to be reminded of those things. the negative thoughts only become subject to something higher. you cant just make them go away and not fill that spot with something else because they will feel as if they can come back and dwell in your mind since nothing greater has filled that area. the truth will always triumph over lies. knowing your truth is so important because it is your weapon against the negative powers of satan. 

the process was not meant to be beautiful, it was meant to break the beautiful lies and for you to face your ugly truth, to be transformed by the goodness of His truth. 

[littlepoeticnegus]

first post in a long time...

[prttywaves]

Your healing process will not be pretty

As I sift through my journey of becoming Me, I have come to terms with this healing process being as messy as the mud on a military soldier's shoes. Inwardly, that's what it may look like. I just accepted this fact this morning. While you're in a process, you cannot rush it. Because if you do and you come out before the process is complete, you'll be the premature product of "you". you won't even be the real you. Because you cheated the process. Looking back at my last post, I was empty, hollow even. nothing inside to sustain me. The things that have happened between the time, it's been a lot honestly. Drastic. No longer am I attending the university, moved back home to my mother, "family" has disowned me pretty much but it was all necessary because I'm better. Better than I've ever been. New Life Family Church is my new home, and it was the best decision I've made in a while. That hollow feeling is surely being replaced with much more spiritual power than I've ever had. This is supposed to be just a preview post I guess you could say, of what I'm going to write to you later. But just know that processing is designed to be messy. We are the clay while the Potter molds us into His workmanship. The clay doesn't get to choose how it's being shaped. Stay in process.

[prttywaves]

I haven't Wrote on here In a While Because I haven't been in the Space To do So

um, things are getting better. im starting to actually see things getting better. it still feels weird. it still hurts a little but, ya know, it’s getting better as i go. im back on campus now so that does me justice. um i feel right now that i’ll be able to be back in a writing space now that i’m on campus. i feel empty. not like there is a void, but i feel as if im a glass pitcher and there’s nothing in me because ive been pouring and pouring but i need something that will replenish me. i don’t know, im expecting something. im just staying open with my spirit for whatever it is God is trying to send me.

[prttywaves]

Exhaustion

today was one of those days where I am just exhausted. physically mentally and emotionally, i feel exhausted. im tired of being stuck and held back and i feel helpless because their is no one to turn to for help. even as i type these words i really don't even feel like doing so. tomorrow will be better.