Pretty Waves

my name is na'kole and this blog is dedicated to my journey of becoming who I was originally created to be.

[prttywaves]

While I’m Listening to While We’re Young...

so really like, i’m in a space of awe kind of, of the woman i’m becoming. from who i am now, to who i was on this day last year, is such a transformation that’s made me more grateful for how i handle every day that i’m given. because one, someone didn’t have this opportunity to grow into the person they are supposed to be right now in this moment and time. i love God so much for directing me on this pathway. directing me to who i am right in this moment as i’m typing these words. im thankful. i’m thankful for the days that broke me. i’m thankful for the moments that i ached in my heart, those moments were more than 3. for the nights that my head literally was pounding from overthinking, and anxiety. those nights were the nights that added the most force to create something that cannot be fabricated without a trial. that force is the force that helped me become. by no means am i done growing into the woman that God has for me to be, but right now, right now is a time to celebrate who i have became. it’s the time to recognize my own growth. today i stand open. today i stand proud of my flaws as i am still learning to love every dark spot on my face, every springy curl on my head, every hair on my arm, the way i have to push my glasses up on my face every 5 minutes, how sometimes i stammer when i get too excited or try talking too fast, the passions i have and the passions i don’t have. the way i still love him but in a way that is healthy for the both of us. the fact that i cannot change the overly caring and depth of my love for those who are in my heart, who have made an everlasting imprint on my soul. I am here for it all. i am embracing it all in this moment because it is who i am. everyday my mind is being renewed my focus is being sharpened and slicked to only things that matter to me, for me. for my growth. learning that it is very okay to not have anything to say around people who always have something to say. learning to listen not only with my ears but with my spirit. trusting my spirit. trusting that my spirit is never going to lie or direct me in a pathway of trouble because i know who i am connected to. i know that my spirit cannot survive on its own and that it must be nurtured and fed things to edify and keep it strong. whether it be removing myself from toxic environments or toxic people, all toxicity has to go. it cannot reside in this clean vessel, only true and pure and lovely and admirable and peaceful and honest things can dwell in me. if there is anything in contrast to that it must be expelled by the One who has all the power to redeem my soul again and again. all selfish motives, things that gratify myself and are not for unifying humanity, all things with underlying motives and destructive thought processes behind and embedded in them must be completely destroyed. only beautiful things are meant to come from me, that’s what will be. I have been transformed by Light, by the Son, by drinking from the Living Water. this walk is not for me. realizing that makes me deal with my life in a different perspective. i cannot be selfish. this walk is for those who need my pain more than i do. I have been put on a process to see who I am. to remove the debris that’s fallen from the things that had to be shaken up to rebuild, and see what was under that. to set a foundation, that’s sure and steady, unshakable, under all that’s been dismantled, is me. someone who not only survived but overcame every stage of the process that i have walked through thus far. I love who i am, who i became. i love who i am becoming and i am thankful for who i used to be. because without her being in existence at one point in time, the future me would never be found. the “I am” now would not be here typing to you encouraging you to keep going. so on this day i am thankful, i am thankful for all i have reached and i am currently reaching, and more thankful and honored to serve those who i have yet to touch when i reach my next self. i am forever grateful.

@prttywaves

[prttywaves]

Stop Freaking Out Because of your Past...

when you’re sad and feeling like you’re not really sad, but you’re just waiting on that amazing thing to go ahead and happen. you’re really waiting with the wrong kind of spirit. the way that you should wait, should not only be in patience and excellence but with assurance and sure sure sure faith that what you’re looking forward to WILL happen. this is actually what we call hope. you’re hope depends on how you expect things to turn out. you’re hope is never really about you personally. your hope depends on the faith that you have involved in someone else or that situation. asking yourself to have hope in someone may sound kinda backwards from what we’re normally taught but then again, when has anything we’ve been “taught” first or the normal way ever been the correct way for this present time? anyways, having hope in someone is saying that I truly trust you even in the middle of this. its trusting in the person that you know they will be, not in who they are now, or in who they used to be, because that person old is gone. you have enough confidence and faith in God hearing your prayers, seeing your petitions, and all of your hard work to know that what we hope for will actually happen, no matter what is in our current view in the moment. this is why I believe that it is important for us to relieve and get rid of disappointments from people and things they have failed at in the past because it will shape how we have hope or trust in them, in the future when its time to need them. your past mistakes do not define you, we hear this all the time but it is truth, rather deep truth. when we have a hard time trusting and relying on people in a healthy way, it’s because we have some part of disappointment lying inside of us that we did not fully handle, like we thought we did. its important to let this go because it’s stopping us from seeing how the person or the situation will be now that time has gone on, now that God has had the person or situation in process. we can let go of the uncomfortable feeling of knowing that we will be let down. knowing that they will not come thru for us if and when ish hits the fan. knowing that this situation didn’t work last time so I secretly have a fear that it will be the same this time, because this is what i’m used to getting out of this situation or person. well I’d like you to know that is what insanity looks like. the same thing, same pattern, same outcome. insanity is what the enemy tries to make you think you are encountering, and that it will never fully be right. or that the pattern will be broken. well, if there has been multiple points proven of change blowing in the winds, some pattern, some cycle has to be broken, correct? meaning that the insanity trap, is just an illusion from what you think you know is going on in this moment. all growth demands change. its like Newton’s 1st law of motion, whatever is in motion stays in motion until acted upon by an outside force. the outside force would be growth that brings change, that bring solid hope. so let go of the secret disappointment. the hope that brings change is here. your faith will not fail you, it will always allow you to win in the end. The Hope That Brings Change. Stop Freaking Out Because of your Past x @prttywaves

[prttywaves]

What Happened when everything In Front of me Told Me to Give Up

this journey that I have been on has not been anything easy at all. just recently I came to a point in the process that had me questioning if I could make it through this part of the process. I knew in my heart that I could make it thru and I knew that this wasn't where I was going to stay, in this space of transition. but what it was, it was my hope being tested by what was being placed in front of me. the faith to hold on and trust God for the better outcome was still there yes, but having hope in what I know to be true for me, the promises and dreams.. that hope was gone. it's like okay yeah I know that there is gonna be light at the end of this dark pathway but the hope I once had in what I wanted is gone. not because the things I desired were wrong and I shouldn't want them, but because the current darkness is beginning to dim the light I once saw that kept me driven to get to where i am standing even now. gone. it was gone from my heart. and being in this space was good for me. it was good that I came to this breaking to get my focus on the One who made the promise to me and not let the promise be my motivation for going further. no, that's not what the journey is about completely. getting to the promise is good, but becoming who you need to be to sustain that promise is way more important than the promise itself. what if the promise changes or is altered, then your whole world is shook because you were focused on the end instead of the principles of the process to the promise is trying to teach you. gaining this knowledge brought my dead hope back to life. not only was it revived but it was rewired. more clarity is forming daily, healing is continuing. the growth is unstoppable. the split second of dead hope taught me not to put my hope in the promise, but in the Producer of the promise. all things always work for the good for those who are called and Love God.

[prttywaves]

If God gives grace to you in all his royalty, who are you to not give grace to yourself? Be patient with your process, you'll become that person in the right time.

@prttywaves

[prttywaves]

today I got off the carousel

I have finally gained the strength, courage, faith in God, and enough respect for my future to walk away from barely good enough. this is the biggest sacrifice I have made thus far in my journey and I know that today will start the healing process of releasing the old and opening my arms to new possibilities, new opportunities, new connections, and new territory. new life. the essences of sacrifice is actually pretty poetic, it's art. for something to come to life, something must be put to death. there's beauty in the blood. deep crimson, staining and terrifying but also the evidence of life. never has there been a masterpiece without madness, or the best lyrics without heartbreak. art is at the end of this chaos. walking through the destruction caused by the chaos, to get to the beauty is required for the credibility of art being art.

[prttywaves]

As long as you Live, there will Always be another You to Find and Accept

i was going to write about something else today, but i feel like im being lead to just share something’s, kinda in a reminiscing way. im looking back at who i was on this day and as i remember the state my mind and spirit was in, i can be nothing but grateful for the progress that i have chosen to make. i’m thankful for the process. i’m thankful for the breaking, and the stripping, and the burst of joy that i’ve came into. i’m thankful for the true love that i’m walking in and experiencing on a daily basis. the consistently love that is available to me for all eternity. i’m thankful for a renewed mind and for my thoughts coming up to a higher standard. by higher standard i mean, letting go of destructive thought patterns. stop believing and listening to the thoughts that speak to me and say that i don’t have anything to contribute to this world, crushing those thoughts. the thoughts that make me overthink situations more than what i have to. God breaking anxiety off of me, day by day it’s getting easier to put my trust in Him and live from day to day without being anxious. day by day i am walking into purpose and discovering the original me. this time last year, i was struggling with identity, letting anger and hurt go, i was looking for “love” in all the wrong places and that right there, thats something that means more than just in a relationship. acceptance from people and needing their validation. dealing with being lonely learning how to be okay alone. it’s so much that i have learned just in one whole year, and no one knows how grateful and happy i am, right in this very moment. 

i have made a lot of progress and i do realize that i am nowhere near done with my season of growth, but i am now in my blossoming season. things are about to bloom and unfold, surely and actually a bit quicker than what i thought it would. i’m going day by day. i’m understanding this. tackle one thing day by day if you have to, but if you can take on two things,thats fine. whatever does not overwhelm you. but as for me, i think it might be one thing at a time i should aim at. and as i come out of that one thing, like shifting my mind, and coming into conquering my fears, thats the shift. it amazes me that even after we make some of the most distasteful choices, our destiny isn’t ripped out the notebook of life and balled up to be tossed into the trash can. no, it’s actually all the opposite. its apart of the story that the Author already imagined in his head and put it down on the paper. it was already written. whatever that “it” is that you are struggling with getting past, that was written and there is an outcome that’s favorable for you. i’m still learning and accepting this truth as well. it’s a beautiful truth to replay in your head. along with another truth that helps me, things won’t be the way they are, because things changed to bring you to this moment. everything changes, without notice sometimes. things change, you change right with them. even if you think a change is for the worse, it actually works together for the good at the end of the day if you know who holds your world. knowing that Jesus foreknew my flaws and my process, the creator of my process, it brings me comfort and assurance.knowing that i was built for THIS, to come out conquering my mission, it’s a comforting fact to be aware of. 

so hello progression, it’s nice to meet you. i am no longer who i was, and who i am right now is just as beautiful as who i am becoming. stay patient with yourself you’ll get to the final product of this process. embrace the journey of finding who you were created to be. we’re forever evolving, forever growing, as long as we live.

[prttywaves]

If the process was meant to be pretty, there would be no reason for the breaking

the thing that i am learning now is that the process is ugly. the process forces you to come face to face with the ugly truths, and lies that live deep in your soul. some examples of what i mean by “ugly truths” would be... i struggled with fear and anxiety. i also have overcame depression, (and just a good sidenote, i have learned to say “i am” instead of “i’m trying to, or i deal with” because thru Jesus i know that i already have overcame these battles because He has won them for me. also my brother Alvin brought that to my attention as well. he said he has been working on saying i am, or just doing things that he would normally put “try” next too. he motivated me to do the same.) i realized that i didn’t know who i really was because i took on so many different identities from sifting through so many different people in my life, trying to live up to their standards and how they saw me instead of being who i am and having them take it as is, or leave and let me be. i realized that i allowed people to have large pieces of my soul and it left me with barely anything for myself. i realized that i was a mess. and that it is okay to be that mess. because i am learning that God’s grace covers our mess. He cleans us and he is not intimidated with how broken or messy we are. in His eyes, He sees the mess, its undeniably there, but i love Him because he looks past it and He only focuses on WHO He originally created. the original beautiful and perfect image of His creation. the original form of who He created us to be. all of that, the REAL YOU. that is who He sees. that’s what the process is about. getting back or just getting to that person. ( honestly, i can say there are two parts in the breaking. well two sides, i likes sides better than parts because there are many, many parts to the process as long as you live on this earth. the ugly and the beauty of the ugly. but thats for another time.) 

the lies that dwell inside your soul and the mind. those can be the hardest things to face sometimes because, for me, it seems as if lies were being told constantly from the time i was born until december so almost my whole life. everything that you thought was true, everything that you knew to be true about the people around you who say they “love” you. everything that you thought was true about your identity, it was all a lie. coming face to face with those lies were definitely apart of the scariest, darkest moments that i’ve been in. it was so scary to me because everything was stripped away from me. the perception of  who my family was, broken. my identity, shredded. and i realized now that it was only devastating to me because i associated my identity with other people around me. i never got to full discover who i was because i was always told. i was always given and i could never find, because the moment i got curious and wanted to do things my own way, i was ridiculed for it, i was told i was selfish. but if you have to get selfish to journey, to process. discovering who you are does require a bit of selfishness. if not, then you will never have an authentic story to tell. you’ll never be authentic. only a duplicate. (and one thing i will say is that true love is never manipulative, its never controlling, its never fearful. that is not love. that is a perverted love. that is manipulation. and again, that is for another post, but that is what it is.) un-programming all the lies about myself, who i thought i was, what and who i thought i needed, “values” i had to unlearn because they weren’t good moral values but simply fancy ways to keep you disillusioned and chained to links of brokenness, all of this seemed so scary and hard but He had to remind me of who’s and who i really am.

HE had to remind me that there is no such thing as too broken. there is no such thing as too messy for Him to handle. His hands are big enough to hold my brokenness and fix it at the same time, while fixing yours too. trust is what this boils downs to. the questions came to me. are you sure you really trust the God you read about and sing about and pray to every day? are you seriously sure that you believe in Him? because the process will test your trust and faith in Jesus the Creator. I am being stretched to lengths i didn’t even know existed for me. yes this process is also humbling as well. (for another post yet again and again, sorry) I feel my spirit becoming stronger, i feel my mind turning and being transformed. standards are being set. things that i found acceptable are no longer so in my eyes, my language is changing. my expectations are transforming. the challenge to think bigger and broader. i am expelling negativity as soon as it shows its signs drawing near. with His help, i am taking my mind back and i am making thoughts of purity, loveliness, grace, and Truth dance repeatedly in my brain on a daily basis. no matter how many times of day i need that reminder, i allow myself to be reminded of those things. the negative thoughts only become subject to something higher. you cant just make them go away and not fill that spot with something else because they will feel as if they can come back and dwell in your mind since nothing greater has filled that area. the truth will always triumph over lies. knowing your truth is so important because it is your weapon against the negative powers of satan. 

the process was not meant to be beautiful, it was meant to break the beautiful lies and for you to face your ugly truth, to be transformed by the goodness of His truth. 

[wnq-writers]

I’m sorry that things are rough for you right now. But I know this - when your cloud lifts, you’re going to be someone’s greatest gift.

Bruce Adler (via wnq-writers)

[prttywaves]

Your healing process will not be pretty

As I sift through my journey of becoming Me, I have come to terms with this healing process being as messy as the mud on a military soldier's shoes. Inwardly, that's what it may look like. I just accepted this fact this morning. While you're in a process, you cannot rush it. Because if you do and you come out before the process is complete, you'll be the premature product of "you". you won't even be the real you. Because you cheated the process. Looking back at my last post, I was empty, hollow even. nothing inside to sustain me. The things that have happened between the time, it's been a lot honestly. Drastic. No longer am I attending the university, moved back home to my mother, "family" has disowned me pretty much but it was all necessary because I'm better. Better than I've ever been. New Life Family Church is my new home, and it was the best decision I've made in a while. That hollow feeling is surely being replaced with much more spiritual power than I've ever had. This is supposed to be just a preview post I guess you could say, of what I'm going to write to you later. But just know that processing is designed to be messy. We are the clay while the Potter molds us into His workmanship. The clay doesn't get to choose how it's being shaped. Stay in process.

[morbidology]

Panjin Red Beach is located in the north east of Beijing and is appropriately called this due to the seaweed which turns to a bright red colour in Autumn. It has become known as the “home of the cranes” and is the home to 260 different types of birds, including the endangered Crown Canes and Blacak Beaked Gulls, and 399 different types of wild animals.

[supahdupahflyy-blog]

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[apeeled]

i love it when things stop bothering you. like two months ago i was totally bitter about so many things and now im like “u know what i don’t even care” & that’s a beautiful feeling

[prttywaves]

I haven't Wrote on here In a While Because I haven't been in the Space To do So

um, things are getting better. im starting to actually see things getting better. it still feels weird. it still hurts a little but, ya know, it’s getting better as i go. im back on campus now so that does me justice. um i feel right now that i’ll be able to be back in a writing space now that i’m on campus. i feel empty. not like there is a void, but i feel as if im a glass pitcher and there’s nothing in me because ive been pouring and pouring but i need something that will replenish me. i don’t know, im expecting something. im just staying open with my spirit for whatever it is God is trying to send me.

[thelovejournals]

Seeing you heals me.

Rumi (via thelovejournals)

[free-your-mind]

[born-hip-hoper]

[prttywaves]

Exhaustion

today was one of those days where I am just exhausted. physically mentally and emotionally, i feel exhausted. im tired of being stuck and held back and i feel helpless because their is no one to turn to for help. even as i type these words i really don't even feel like doing so. tomorrow will be better.