so, i've been doing therapy stuff, and...
it makes me feel funny. like, on one hand, i've been getting better, my therapist agrees with that, mainly when it comes to social phobia. i feel that i am more capable of being myself and interacting as i want with people. sometimes i still cringe, days later, over small details of things i have said, dibity dobity, all that stuff. but i am, in general terms, much better. i am not that scared of people anymore.
and yet, i feel much more lost. before i started therapy, i had this unnamed pain, this thing that was mine, unknown and unundestandable, as a matter of fact, impossible to understand for anyone besides me. i suffered more, the pain cried louder, but it was mine, and mine alone. i kept it close to my heart, like a dagger that is constantly cutting me, making me bleed, making me cry. but i felt like this gave an extra layer of depth, you know? like it made more complex than the ones around me, it justified why i could not have deep relationships with my peers, because i had this thing they didnt have, that they could not understand. now, i know this has a name, it looks me in the eye, i look back, and i know its name, i know is face. and it's... quite disappointing. i once saw a post that said something along the lines of "i miss the comfort of the pain i felt". i feel this.
now, i crave human contact. i long for love and i want to be needed and missed and loved. my value, my identity, my uniqueness lies no more in being hurt, and it seems it has been tied to my worth as a social being, as someone to whom others might connect. except i still have anxiety. i still feel nobody loves me, nobody is interested in me. i feel i dont belong, and i have always felt that, but i did not the craving for belonging.
so yeah, im still unhappy, but now in a different way. but i must admit, this one is more exciting than its predecessor. because now, i feel other doors are opening. i can feel and attach and i will, i hope i will, find someone who will willingly tie their heart to mine. nevertheless, until then, i must savour this weird loneliness, another one over which i will triumph.
also, therapy is good. i feel weird, but i will feel weird for a while. it's not all bad, this weird. it's better than what i felt before. this is, in no way, an advise against therapy. never ever ever.