DROWNING IN HIM (PART 1)
pairing: kook!Rafe x pogue!ptsd!Reader - no use of y/n, no description of reader, pic for aesthetics only
summary: after falling off a boat during a storm, you'd given up adventuring with the pogues. and dating all together. but the nightmares and panic attacks stayed with you all these years. you beared it alone, until an unlikely kook keeps showing up when you need help.
wc: 3.4k
warnings: 18+ due to heavy subject matter and some smut later, angst, panic attack
a/n: I'm so happy to be writing a reader series that involves the pogues more, this has been so fun! ptsd/panic attack/anxiety girlies, I see you, I'm with you, and this is for you. enjoy loves!
banner: @/rumbleonthemill
table of contents: PART 1 PART 2
“Come on, please. It’s Friday night.” Kiara begs over the phone. “Put down the books and party with me while I’m in OBX.”
“I really shouldn’t.” You sigh, flipping the pages of your Statistics textbook to the next practice problem. “Can’t we just get brunch tomorrow?”
“You know JJ will be too hungover.” You could picture her eyeroll and found yourself smiling. She really only came back to visit him most of the time. Long distance was tough.
“I’m surprised you want to go to a Killdare party. I’m sure UNC parties are much better.”
“Oh, they are,” Kiara insists. “But I gotta see my Pogues. Brought Pope down with me this time. Figure we could have a whole reunion.”
“Well,” You drag out the word as you think. “If everyone’s coming, I’ll be there.” You closed the textbook as a way to tell yourself this was it. You were going.
“Great! Pick you up in 10.” Kiara squeals before hanging up. You were truly thankful to have a friend like Kie. You grew up too poor for the Kooks and too shy for most of the Pogues. But you had a few classes with Pope growing up, who was always kind to you. Once he introduced you to Kiara, you both were inseparable.
You didn’t get involved with most of their antics. Not anymore. One trip on the boat kept you far away from that. It was the only time they all got caught in a surprise storm. The waves were rough, the lightning terrifying with no shelter. All it took was a large wave, and you were overboard. It all happened so fast, but it felt like a current took you and you couldn’t surface to breathe. The Pogues got you out, you didn’t even know which ones, but that was it for you. You could never go on their adventures again.
Not one of the Pogues ever blamed you for staying away. They apologized like the storm was their fault. But you didn’t blame them for that either. It was still hard to watch them get closer and spend more time together without you: surfing, boating, and running from the cops.
The one bright side was the Pogues toned it down after graduation. Not so many adventures, more time at parties. And parties were something that you could handle. You pick out your favorite navy blue sundress and have just enough time to throw on some makeup before you hear the Twinkie honking.
By the time you run out the door of your Aunt’s trailer, the Twinkie’s doors are wide open and the Pogues are whisking you off to the latest party. There’s so many conversations, so many smiles, and everyone is happily coupled up. Kiara and JJ. Pope and Cleo. John B and Sarah. They never made you feel like a third wheel, though. You were always included. But it was hard not to think about how perpetually single you were.
Too much focus on school and too scared to ever show anyone your home life. You knew people in the Cut had it worse than you, like JJ. But that just made you more embarrassed. The fact that all your dad did was yell at you day in and day out and you had a hard time handling it was a little pathetic, in your mind. And that it led you to live with your Aunt.
You thought college would change things, and you’d be able date more with a safe place away from your parents. But with one semester down, you were quickly realizing that a lot of college boys didn’t want to date. They wanted to go to bars or parties and find someone to take home. And after the last boy dumped you right after sleeping with you, you felt like maybe you should get with the program. Who has time to date when you’re trying to get a business degree, right?
“We’re here.” John B calls and he slams on the brakes. Most of you lurch forward as he puts Twinkie in park, but the Pogues rally quickly, jumping out of the car.
There was something about stepping into a party with a group of friends that actually made you feel confident. No matter what happened, these Pogues had your back. Well, at least Pope and Cleo did if the others drank too much.
It was Topper’s house. Somewhere you hadn’t been since high school. But the pool was familiar. The stone steps that led to the patio doors. You shivered. The same place that John B shoved Topper so hard that his head hit one of the steps with a thud. You could still hear the sound. Remember running to Topper on instinct, providing aid. Hearing the whispers of the Pogues that you had clearly chosen a side. A look of betrayal on John B’s face, just for a second. Those days were long behind them, the boys didn’t fight over Sarah anymore. But the effects of that night were still there, despite how deep you thought you buried them.
Sarah called out your name, snapping you out of it. “Pong.” It was a command, and Sarah grabbed your hand, eagerly leading you to the beer pong table. To your dismay, the person across the table was Sarah’s brother, Rafe.
He addressed you by your last name with a nod.
“Cameron.” You nodded back. This wouldn’t be good. Rafe had never spoken to you back in school. He probably would have never even known you existed if John B hadn’t started dating Sarah, which led to her becoming friends with you. But helping Topper put you on his radar. Everyone thought you had a crush on Topper, running to him like that. Maybe even Top believed it, although he was slightly decent enough to thank you and not tease you about it.
You didn’t like Top. He was too arrogant, and seemed possessive of Sarah at times. And Rafe terrified you. You had heard the rumors of his drug use, of his anger issues, and you heard firsthand how he used to treat Sarah and the Pogues. That’s the kind of guy anyone with sense stayed away from. Sarah claimed he was much better after getting some therapy and medication, but you had your doubts.
“Oh, this should be good.” Topper grins, rubbing his hands together. “Ready to lose again, Sarah?”
“I’ve got a good partner this time.” Sarah says confidently, rolling her shoulders back as she takes the ping pong ball off the table. Truthfully, Kie was the best at pong. Sarah was just being nice and not wanting you to feel left out. She takes her shot before she thinks the boys are ready, but Rafe is quick to swat it away.
“Gotta be better than that, sis,” He smirks. Sarah’s smile fades, and her warm brown eyes sober up in a heartbeat. Suddenly, it’s Cameron vs. Cameron. And you have to help her win.
Rafe takes his shot, sinking the ball easily. His dark blue eyes glint mischievously as he watches Sarah down the beer. It’s your turn now. But with a miss, you can feel your heart starting to race as Topper laughs. Topper makes his shot, and the girls are behind as Sarah misses again. By a stroke of luck, you manage to flick Rafe’s shot out of the cup. You don’t even look at him, not wanting to be thrown off by his expression or Sarah’s encouragement as you put all your focus on this next shot.
You take aim, bouncing the ball at an angle. It sinks into the red cup with a satisfying splash. Sarah cheers, hugging you as Rafe glares, making Topper drink the beer. The momentum swings back in favor of the girls, and before you can swallow down the taste of a mouthful of beer, you and Sarah are down to one cup left.
But the boys have three left. All it takes is one lucky shot from Topper, and they’re right behind. It’s all down to Sarah now. You watch her take a deep breath, sweat sticking her blonde waves to her face. There’s a crowd around the game now, with John B by her side and hyping her up.
Sarah closes her eyes and takes her shot, seeming to beg the universe to work in her favor. And it does, the ball bouncing once and sinking into the cup. The crowd erupts, John B dragging Sarah into a hug before you can even congratulate her. You feel JJ muffle your hair, Pope and Cleo shaking your shoulders in excitement. Kie is flicking Rafe off and screaming happily in their faces. You can tell Topper is embarrassed, but Rafe is pissed. You expect him to throw the ping pong ball at Sarah. Slam some cups around. Something that emulates the anger you’ve heard so much about. But he just shakes his head and walks away.
OBX parties were honestly starting to get old, but Rafe was really trying to be nicer to Topper so he kept his mouth shut. Grabbing another beer from the kitchen, where Top kept the nicer stuff, he cracked the bottle open on the side of the counter and took a long drink. Out the window, another game of pong was forming. John B and JJ on one side, Pope and Cleo on the other. The crowd stayed with them, watching as they drank.
Rafe was competitive, always had been. But as much as they were all adults now, losing to his sister still stung. A dull, tiny sting that reminded him that she would always be the favorite. Always come out on top.
He spotted you being led away from the crowd by some Kook from school. The dude was already talking your ear off, and Rafe couldn’t help but roll his eyes. Of course, once high school ended all the Kook boys wanted the Pogue girls they ignored for years. Pogue wasn’t worth it. Actually, dating wasn’t. He learned that with Sofia. Girls always found out all the things you were ashamed of. All of your vices. Your mistakes. Your failures.
“Weird seeing her again, huh?” Topper laughs, grabbing a matching beer and joining Rafe by the window. “Think she’s still in love with me?”
Rafe held back a scoff. That rumor was always insane. Granted, he didn’t even know you much at the time. But you had clearly ran to help someone who was hurt. Not because you thought Topper was special. He knew that because you were best friends with Kiara, the person who should have been a Kook but wanted to be a Pogue. Yet you would talk to Sarah even when Kiara wouldn’t. It was obvious you didn’t care about Kook or Pogue. He had already thought you were weird. After that, he thought you were crazy, almost destroying your only friendships. But it had impressed him, just a little bit, that you were willing to help his friend even if everyone gave you hell for it.
“Doubt it.” Rafe replies after a beat, nodding to where you and the guy were chatting.
“Well, I was joking, but way to rub that in.” Topper sighed. “I thought you invited a bunch of girls from UNC?”
“I did.”
“Not hot ones, I guess.” Topper’s laugh prickled Rafe’s skin. He swore Topper thought he was better than everyone for going to Duke, and that everything was better there.
“They’re fine, Top. Don’t be weird.”
“Okay, okay,” Topper raised his hands in surrender. “Which one you want?”
Rafe scanned the crowd, ready to make this night more interesting. His eyes landed on a tall, tanned girl with dark hair that looked almost navy in the faint moonlight. He felt a smile pull at his lips. Right, the girl he invited from the bar a few nights ago. He couldn’t remember her name. He’d been a bit too drunk. Hopefully that wouldn’t ruin his chances.
“That one.” Rafe points, and as luck would have it, the girl happens to look up and meet his gaze. She gave him a soft smile, her pale blue eyes lighting up. Jackpot.
“I’d wish you luck, but it looks like you don’t need it.” Topper pats him on the back, sending him off to claim his prize.
“How’s it going with that guy?” Sarah asked excitedly while you grabbed a soda, eager to get the nasty taste of beer out of your mouth.
“Fine. He seems nice.” You say, not sure of what else to say and taking a long sip to avoid talking more.
“What’s his name? He’s cute.” Sarah sing-songs, her nose scrunching as she grins.
“Pat.” You hate talking about guys. You were never someone most guys paid attention to, so when your friends happily asked questions or cheered you on, it sort of felt like they pitied you and were finally glad you had someone interested. You knew they didn’t really pity you, but that’s how it felt.
“Are you gonna makeout?” She wiggles her eyebrows in a way that makes you giggle. Of course, Kiara told her about how you were looking for a hookup. To have fun. The Pogues were way too shocked and delighted. Wasn’t this what everyone did in college? You were just finally being normal.
“Maybe.” You wink, wondering if you should have grabbed another drink for your nerves.
“Go get ‘em, tiger,” Sarah encourages, giving you a playful slap on the hip.
“Yes, Ma’am.” You salute, trying to walk out more confident than you feel. Leading Pat to the steps, you take a seat to see if you can get your legs to stop shaking.
It doesn’t take long for Pat to put his arm around you. His gorgeous hazel eyes are now heavy-lidded. Those were both good signs, right? You look over your shoulder to see Cleo giving you a thumbs up. Of course, the Pogues were still keeping an eye on you. JJ would definitely think this guy wasn’t good enough, which made you more tempted to kiss him. But you’d never initiated a kiss before.
Maybe if you stared at his lips, he would kiss you. Maybe-
“Hey,” Pat interrupts your thoughts, running his hands through his dark curls. “Wanna go in the pool?”
“Uh,” You feel your body freeze, but you try to play it off with a laugh. “Isn’t it a little cold for that? No one’s even in there.”
“That’s what would make it fun.” He insists, his arm tightening around your waist. It feels like an anchor, but it’s not strong enough to placate your fear of the water.
“I don’t have a swimsuit on.” You offer weakly, feeling your voice shake. Be an adult, you scolds yourself. Just say no.
But before you can speak, you feel your body being lifted into the air. Pat’s holding you bridal style, ignoring your squeak.
“Don’t need a suit,” He promises. “It’ll be fun, I promise.” Your stomach turns, the scent of beer on his breath making it worse. Your heart is hammering in your chest now, your breathing shallow. You try to force yourself to speak, to plead, but no sound comes out. Your ears start to ring, and it feels like you forgot how to swallow. These are all the signs you hoped wouldn’t happen. A panic attack was building.
You could hear someone telling Pat to put you down. One of the Pogues, but you couldn’t tell who. Pat’s arms lowered, but then his whole body lurches forward. A pool float by the side of the pool. He drunkenly tripped over a pool float, and you were flying out of his arms.
If this were anyone else, the water would have been a welcome landing compared to the concrete. But for you, this water was your nightmare. It smacked you hard, enveloping you before you could breathe. The chlorinated water flooded your nose and mouth, stinging. You couldn’t help it, you choked before you could get your body to move.
Vaguely, you heard the sound of someone diving into the water. One of the Pogue’s probably. JJ was the fastest, but he was also likely the drunkest. Kiara was probably second fastest. But the arms that wrapped around you and pulled you up were much bigger, much stronger. John B?
You felt yourself sputtering and choking, your lungs burning. The oxygen was a welcome gift, but the sobs in your chest were building. Any second now and they’d break free. Or your heart would burst.
“That’s it. Breathe.” Rafe. Rafe was pulling you to the side of the pool. “I got you.” He lifted you onto the concrete easily, getting out beside you. You could see the Pogues faces clouding your vision. “Give her space!” Rafe barked as he backed away himself.
“She’s having a panic attack, Rafe! We need to get her inside.” Kiara insisted, the desperation in her voice breaking through the muffled sounds. JJ seemed to be yelling at Pat, with Pope trying to contain him. John B had taken over for Rafe, picking you up and taking you into Topper’s house.
The Pogues knew the routine. Get you somewhere quiet and be with you until it passes. They took you to the nearest bathroom, yelling at whoever was inside to leave. The cold marble floor made you shake harder, but you could feel your heart slowing down. Senses slowly returning.
“Do you want any of us to stay?” Kie asked softly once you were able to make eye contact. You shook your head, cheeks flushing. It was always embarrassing. Always vulnerable. You just wanted to be alone.
“We won’t be far.” The door closes and you lock it immediately, working to steady your breathing. Your limbs feel less numb, despite your soaking wet sundress still making you shiver. You’re not sure if seconds pass or hours, but a knock at the door startles you.
“Hey, sweetie,” Sarah murmurs. “Rafe got you some clothes, you should change. I’m sure you’re freezing.” You manage to unlock the door and Sarah slips in some clothes that feel so, so warm. Almost like they were warm from the dryer. A welcome relief from the absurdly cold, marble floor you hadn’t managed to stand up from.
You peeled off the soaked sundress, thankful to have not worn a bra tonight. The clothes were huge, and you unfolded them to get a look at what you had to work with. Some gray sweatpants. A blue and green rugby polo. And a UNC zip-up. All men’s.
You welcomed the warmth, the boxy fit making everything feel like a blanket. When the shivering slowed, the rest of the panic attack eased. Gathering the strength you open the door, bracing yourself for the Pogues looking at you expectantly. That’s exactly what you find, but Rafe is still with them.
“You okay?” John B’s voice is so quiet, like he doesn’t want to startle you. You nod, putting on a smile for them. “I can take you home, if you give me a minute.”
“Yeah,” JJ burps for effect. “We may need a minute.”
“I didn’t drink,” Cleo shrugs. “I made Pope drink during beer pong.”
“Nice of you, but I’m not letting you drive Twinkie.” John B sighs.
“I don’t want you guys to leave because of me.” You insist, your voice cracking in a way that makes you flush. “Seriously. Please go enjoy the party. It’s the first Pogue reunion in ages.”
“It’s not the same without you.” Sarah pouts, crossing her arms.
“It’s fine,” You wave her off. “I’ll just chill inside for a bit. But…Brunch tomorrow. All of you. JJ, no excuses.”
“Sir, yes sir!” JJ jokes, stiffening like a board and saluting you. With that, they finally relax a bit and shift the attention away from you. Much to your relief.
“I can take you.” Rafe offers like he’s mildly annoyed the group forgot he existed. “I’ve got the Camaro. I know I need a minute, too.” He widens his eyes at Sarah, like he’s waiting for her to scold him. She playfully rolls her eyes in return. “But I can do it. I’ve had enough of this party.”
“Thanks, Rafe. Seriously.” Sarah murmurs, and you can see the trust in her eyes. Something that was never there before.
“You two earned it for winning pong.” Rafe shrugs, grabbing a water from the fridge and taking a seat at the kitchen island. The group starts to leave before Rafe turns back to you. “Topper put some blankets on the couch. And kicked that dumbass out. Go sit and warm up.” “Thanks,” is all you manage to reply, sinking down into the large white couch and pulling over all the beige, ridiculously fluffy blankets. Warm again, you nearly find it impossible not to drift off as all the adrenaline finally leaves your system.
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