i am reprocessing and thinking about so much trauma bc i will be seeing my family later in the month so maybe it’s all resurfacing now because of that... i wish i could just have the next two weeks off to be in bed basically bc that’s how i feel, i feel exhausted and i was able to sleep very little last night. the days are so short and it feels like i can’t keep up before the daylight ends... i have two shows i have to practice, promote, and prepare for and emotionally i am just struggling too much to feel like i even have the space to do all of that. i don’t know. i am very angry at my abuser. i am angry that what happened for me affects me so much that it STILL has the power to ruin good things like this for me because i am still feeling it and processing it. i am angry that i can’t really trust anyone because of him. i am angry that i forgot for so many years and it still affected me, and when it resurfaced i had no idea what i was experiencing, what ptsd meant and i just felt CRAZY, and like i made it up, like i was wrong. i hate him for ruining my life essentially, because it’s been hell to deal with this feeling. and i feel like i always self sabotage because of this. and i know i felt good for a while but that’s never really a stable thing and year after year it’s the same struggle and the same bullshit and just disgust, complete disgust that my body was violated in such a horrendous way by someone i “trusted” like of course i am fucked up. of course. and i can’t help but wonder how my life would be different if i hadn’t been abused... like i really just want to be normal and i just have this deep shame inside of me and i feel like i fail constantly, and fail at everything. and i do fail. i just want to get my life together but i can’t seem to figure it out. i am tired. i just don’t want to feel so fucked up and broken anymore.
