i'm starting to be more aggressive with my asexuality because it took me so long to get to this point
like the more solidly i understand myself and who i am, the more i realize how much i fucking hated puberty?
because no one talked to me about it. no one told me how extreme my mood swings would be. no one told me that that was a regular human experience, and that made me worried that i had a disorder, which TERRIFIED me because the last thing i wanted was to be ~~~~~~crazy~~~~~ you know?
i just didn't understand anything i didn't know what was going on i hated myself for wanting to love and wanting to have a sexual drive but not having one
dating andrew at 16 was so difficult for me because i knew what i wanted but i didn't feel any of that. i thought i was incapable of love or sexual attraction even though i recognized i had a good sex drive
in high school i thought i just wanted him for sex and i think a lot of that came from me so forcibly wanting to be a sexual being, thinking i HAD to be one
i would force myself to find actors attractive and it horrified me when i didn't or couldn't i always thought i was wrong, somehow. i didn't connect it then to a sexual or romantic identity, i thought it was tied to my very being. which it partly is but sexuality and romanticism are so fluid that while they matter they're not that big of a deal, necessarily
and freshman year i discovered asexual and aromantic and for the first time i felt so, so comfortable with an identity, that there was nothing wrong with me--and as i've grown i've realized it wouldn't have mattered if i was neuroatypical but at the time that was a worst fear for me.
but now i'm like, ok, i know who i am. my hormones have settled down, my grief has settled down, i recognize that while i have a sex drive i do not find people sexually attractive unless i really really like them, at my very core i know i'm demisexual and demiromantic, but i feel much more comfortable under the ace umbrella because that describes my daily life at college away from andrew.
and i don't feel like a part of the lgbtqia+ community just yet because i still overwhelmingly identify as straight, but maybe as a demiromantic i could actually be bi or pan, but i can't know because i've never let myself fall in love with a woman before--i've never let myself get THAT emotionally attached to a girlfriend so i have no idea, i've only just now recently thought of women as potential partners and by then i had started dating andrew again.
so this is partly my coming out story? i don't know, i'm still trying to figure out my place in the gsrm community