#pure venting

[luxury-cheese]

oh to exist one week ago and not be so anxious about a crush it makes me sick ¯\_( ͡❛ ͜ʖ ͡❛)_/¯

[underandoverworld-blog]

What We Planned To Do Today: Put up the Christmas tree, have hot chocolate, write my manuscript outline, play Splatoon with friends.

What We Ended Up Doing: None of that, sending Dad to the ER.

What a great way to spend a Sunday.

[lady-of-glass-and-bone]

I’m not really and artist,I just like to pretend that I am.

I’ve been working on a painting project for a cousin of mine that just had twins (yeah!)and I’m almost done.The process went a bit like this:

Few days before due date: ‘oh,I should probably start painting those canvas’ I got a month ago.’

Day the twins are born: ‘oh crap,what am I going to paint? What colors do they want used in the nursery? OH GODS WHY DIDN’T I START SOONER?!’

Later that night: ‘I have on the base white coat. I’ll start the rest tomorrow. You can do this.’

And after several hours of stressing,the next day: ‘repainting because I messed up the color and it DOESN’T MATCH THE REST THAT I ALREADY PAINTED and I’m already on like the 3rd coat and I regret ever starting this,I can’t give them this! It’s a piece of sh-.’

Day we go to visit them: ‘I haven’t finished. I’ve failed. Fuck. It feels like the posters on my walls are judging me as I stop just short of 4 am.’

Undetermined amount of time later(but not that much later): ‘this is good. I can start doing the details. Wait. NO. I have to fix this spot. And that line. And there’s a bit of canvas showing on that corner and I’m purposely avoiding doing those CERTAIN PARTS BECAUSE WHAT IF I FUCK IT UP,MY GODS I’M NOT A REALLY PAINTER WHAT HAVE I STARTED?! I’M CAPABLE OF DOING THE PAINTING BUT NO don’t give me that look Poster Daryl Dixon I’m doing my best!’

The final day(hopefully): ‘this doesn’t look right,I’m just gonna stop,tell them I’m an anxiety riddled ball of mush and I don’t want them to not like it and have to put it upon their kids wall because WHAT?! that would be awful.

Oh wait. This isn’t so shitty. I actually like how this is starting to look.

Frak. Now I actually have to go give it to them.’

*continues to be an anxious,depressed,semi-adult person who attempts art*

[kitana-lunara]

I'm responsible for one of my friends falling into a deep depression because I snapped under pressure and said a lot that I regret. I pushed them away when they needed me most and broke my promise to them. I told them I'd always be there for them. I left when they needed me most.

I feel despicable. Like something's ripping out whatever heart I have. If there is one there. I want to protect my friends from all harm, take away their depression, make them all happy, but all I ever do is mess things up and push the knife further in.

I don't want to die. But I do wish a car would come hurtling down the road and slam into me so hard that I didn't feel this way anymore. So that I didn't have to feel anything anymore.

I just don't want to do this anymore. It hurts.

It hurts because I know that while people care, I don't deserve it. I'm a terrible person, but they just don't see it. At the same time, I want to see some worth to myself. I do. I don't want to be known as someone who just puts themselves down all the time. I just... it's hard when there's a voice in your head that's always there. Always letting you know you fucked up. "Look at how much they're suffering. It's all your fault." "Listen, their laughter is so much lighter and free now that you're out of the picture." "Had you never come, they'd have never fallen like this. It's all your fault." "It's all your fault." "Everyone you come in contact with ends up like this. You're the reason they're depressed/hurting." "If you weren't so selfish, they'd still like you." "You're so pathetic. Turning to your blog like this." "It's all your fault."

I know it's all my fault. I'm trying to make things right, but I can't. I just can't. I can't protect my friends from their depression or do anything to help them. ((especially since I'm the reason one of them is depressed)). I can't change the past. I can't atone for breaking a promise.

I just don't want to hurt anyone else. At the moment, the only way to do that seems to be to just retreat. Pull away from everyone so  that I can't hurt them anymore. But I don't want to be alone. I'm scared of being alone.

I don't want people's sympathy though. I've gone through this before(not to this extent, but close enough). I don't want people to feel sorry for me or think they have to help me. I don't want someone to cling to. I'm weak enough as is. I don't even know what I want by posting this. I guess I just had to get it off my chest. Not like I can turn to anyone... They all have their own problems and I don't want to add mine to theirs. Either that or they don't know enough and I don't want to explain. They can't know I'm suffering. I don't want to be a burden.

I'm sorry...

[hanna-noelle]

I'm just kind of realizing that right now I really don't want a significant other in my life right now. With the grades I have, I won't be able to maintain it. And neither am I completely emotionally stable as a person to even handle something like that for a while. I'm not the best person I want to be. I need to take some time off and find myself because I know I'm not ready for commitment to another person again.