I miss ideas of phenomenons that I've never experienced, or at the least been teased with.
I'm halfway to my thirtieth birthday and I've never had love or true intimacy in the ways that I can see others experience it. I'm not sure what's wrong with me, but I know that I feel quite lonely. I've experienced infatuation and sexual longing. I know what it is like to be desired in that way but I am more of an experiment for others than someone who is deemed worthy of their time, their heart, their intimacy & affection.
I'm scared. Because as the years go by, I can't help but feel a bit of a darkness sprouting from the hole where I believe that love should be; like a slow cancer spreading throughout my body, with symptoms of cynicism and a bleak understanding of this world and what it means to be human. Love is an experience so heavily tied to the human experience and as I said before I've only ever really been teased with it, like a worm on a fishing rod meant to attract trout.
Maybe that is all I am. Bait for a predator; a sacrificial lamb for the lion to smack his teeth on. Is that not also a version of love? Shall I rejoice being prey?