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Okay, I wanna try and get down some thoughts about the current movements of the stars so I can look back and see how well things line up with what is supposed to be happening. And I also just want the record of my life preserved however it can be. Last night I listened to the “your reading” for Gemini Rising in the Chani app. I have felt like Chani takes the accuracy of astrology and cranks it up another notch. I thought The Pattern was spot on, but Chani Nicholas is wildly correct about me and who I am. As I was listening, I realized, yet again, that I was going to forget everything if I didn’t take notes, so I simply had to come back to it today. I’ve been meaning to do something like this since I started on her app, and today felt like the day.

So, when I went to read the transcript from last night, I remembered I hadn’t looked at the “tarot card of the week.” This week it’s Five of Swords. I saw a video on tiktok last night that explained the numbers of the minor arcana. Five is right in the middle, and it means conflict. Apparently the full moon in Aquarius on the 29th (Wednesday) “highlights the social issues and group dynamics in our lives.” Chani says to “pick your battles wisely” and that “prioritizing connection, self-expression, and joy” is how we “[build] a vibrant community.” (Sidebar: I love how focused on the collective and driven by action for justice Chani is!) Anyways, I do very much feel like I’m in a period where “winning” isn’t everything for me. My best friend is always saying that sometimes you just have to prioritize a relationship by allowing someone to do something annoying or slightly difficult for yourself. Even when you’re right, it can be worth it to just skip the argument and accept that the other person isn’t going to change right now. (Sidebar: this does not apply to abusers.) I’m in a place now where I have a lot more trust in myself and my discernment. I think I’m prepared to meet this week with grace and step back and calm down when I get upset rather than fight every fight to the bloody end. Labyrinthos’s analysis of the Five of Swords is basically a pyrrhic victory. “Misplaced ambition … can leave you a dejected loser or a callous winner.” I’ve always said I’m a “bad winner” even more than a “sore loser,” though I was certainly both. But I think I’m changing that, bit by bit. I’m going to keep an eye out this week for conflict and try to remember that true victory is connection with the ones I love, not personal success. But also that personal success necessarily follows from loving connection.

Okay, I took a long break to chat and stretch and mill around out in the oppressive Alabama heat. It was a sweaty delight. I have often scoffed at descriptions of the heat and humidity here being languid and steamy, but these days I’m often cold and I’m relearning the joy of a good sweat. I swim through the soup of my days and the light burns away everything but what matters. There’s nothing like closing your eyes and turning your face to the sun, and being rewarded with the kiss of a cool breeze.

So this week. First of all, it’s the week of July 27th, or 7/27! What a perfect, lucky day! I’m very happy to reflect on my life and my thoughts on the upcoming week today under the auspices of my favorite number, 27! I’m very interested to see how the Jupiter cazimi in Leo and then the Full Moon in Aquarius on the 29th plays out, and as lucky as I feel that day will be, I think of 7 and 27 as highly lucky, too. On top of being lucky, this week’s “forecast” starts by declaring it “the week you are going to look back on one year from now, and you are going to be so grateful to your past self.” Anyone who knows me knows about my “past and future Lauras” theory. I think linear time is a fabrication granted to us by our human bodies as a way to experience reality. In actuality, I think all of time will/is/has happen(ing)(ed) all at once. I believe that every version of me, past present, and future, exists at once as one coherent entity. And I think sometimes in the present, we can have a strong connection to a past or future version of ourselves. At the end of the recording, Chani said “Please do the things that you know you want to and you need to do this week so that your future self, one year from now, looks back and is like, ‘That was so good. I did it.’ … Like, imagine sitting with your future self - and your future self saying, ‘Thank you. Like, I’m so glad you did that. That was so courageous, that was so perfect, that was exactly what I needed.’ And then you can also do that to a past self. Go back to a past self and be like, “Thank you…”

I was in tears when she talked about a future self being proud of my current self, but remembering to thank a past me really made me emotional. There was a time when I screamed in despair that I would never get better. It would take months of hard work and intense pain to ever regain the ability to function. Nothing could ever be worth that kind of suffering, so I was doomed to slowly decline until my inevitable, untimely demise. And then one day I chose to really show up for my friends in the wake of a breakup and everything changed. I learned to fight through my crippling fear of being abandoned for being too much, too loud, too needy, too interested. I showed up every day and proved I cared and would support them in all the ways I could. And I was so incredibly lucky that they responded in kind. Caring about other people in a way that went beyond fondness and actually led to committed action changed everything. To quote Tim McGraw, “I became a friend a friend would like to have.” Once I was treating the people around me with more care, I started to see all the ways I was ignoring, abusing, starving, and neglecting myself. I realized that I would never let anyone treat my friends the way I was treating myself, and I started learning to be my own friend. Things just fell into place from there. Yes, I’ve had to do a very lot of hard, dedicated work, but it never feels like work once I’ve made it to hindsight. I quit drinking sodas, not because I was “supposed to,” but because they didn’t make me feel good. I quit vaping nicotine because I was tired of the nausea and worried about my blood pressure. I learned to move again, first by going outside to get pictures of clouds and birds, then more and more. I was all but agoraphobic and now there’s rarely a week where I don’t get out of the house at least twice. And there’s never a week where I don’t see at least one of my people in person. I’m closer to my family, less of a burden, kinder and more like the big sister I always wanted to be but so often failed to live up to. Last night, I put my hand on my chest and cried in joyful thanks. “Look at what we did! Look at how far we’ve come!”

I used to start sentences with “when I get better, maybe I’ll…” Now I just try and do the things! I don’t always succeed, and I spend a lot more time socializing than doing “work,” but I think I’m finally in a place where I’m starting to balance my wants and needs. Responsibility has always terrified me as much as I’ve desired it, but these days I don’t need it. Devotion has taken its place. I am devoted to myself, to my people, to my love, to my beliefs, to my calling, my art. I have a sense of peace about my place in the universe, and I choose faith every day. Regardless of what I think or feel or believe I try my hardest to live every day like dogged persistence will pay off. I’m still strengthening my practice, but having faith in the big picture has made me so much stronger. Camus said "The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy." Brother, I’m “running up that hill” with the biggest grin on my face!

I’ve made a location change from the coffee shop, but even with my friends there’s always space for my creative endeavors. It’s somehow easier to write when there’s another artist just a few feet away. But we were talking about Chani! She followed up the glowing introduction with an admonition that “This week is full of shadows and light… heights and depths.” She stressed that we must have a strong foundation and that all the joy and fullness we can expect is predicated by dedicated hard work. She did say that we might feel “self-important when we are not fully rooted in the depths of ourselves … and our flaws.” Now, I may already be falling into that trap, but I think it’s very possible that I actually am in a place where I am well rooted enough to know myself and what is right. I’m hoping that being aware but not hypervigilant will keep me where I want to be. Chani says “it’s time to plant seeds for our eventual unfolding, for our brilliance, for our creative self-expression, and for our leadership.” I’m not going to lie, I would usually direct that thought towards my art and writing, and I do intend to continue pouring my devotion into those things, but I also just felt so intensely last night that this has to do with my physical health.

Last week, she said “Friday, we are very grateful for any of the review and the re-editing and any of the reworking that we did because we find a gem or we connect with someone that we thought we had lost connection to. Something gets reconnected on Friday.” And boy, did it ever. One of my very dear friends from high school had recently moved back home, and I had meant to get in touch, but everything important takes about 3-5 business months, so I didn’t see him when he first got back. Before I ever read what Chani said about Friday, I had plans to meet with a whole group of friends to support an acquaintance from the coffee shop at a gig. I invited my old friend to join us, and we actually ended up getting together on Wednesday the 22nd. I had taken Mom with me to Greensboro to drop off my artwork for the “Plumage” show at Sumac Cottage in conjunction with the 6th Annual Black Belt Birding Festival on August 1st.

Last year, the theme of the show at Sumac Cottage was “Nests,” and the artwork I made for it was the very first that I submitted for a show. Being a part of that exhibition cemented in my mind that I could call myself an artist, and once I claimed that label, I found myself creating more and more and trying out dozens of fascinating avenues for creating art. This year, the day the call for artists went out for “Plumage,” I saw it and misread the due date. I thought I had somehow missed the posts about it until the final due date! It was early morning when I saw it, and I told myself then and there that I would not, under any circumstances, miss this show. I decided to work slowly and methodically and to hope I finished before midnight, or I would simply submit the nearly-complete work and hope it would be enough. I stuck to my guns and got it done. The idea just came right to me. I took frequent breaks to move around and even remembered to feed myself, instead of locking in to a hyperfocused fugue state. It was a beautiful and fulfilling day. It showed me how much more I was capable of than I realized. Even the weather was very good to me when it came time to photograph my work! I realized just before I finished that I had a whole month, but I wrapped it up and sent it in anyways. It felt so good to achieve so much in one day, and I was incredibly fortunate to be invited back.

So Wednesday the 22nd. I got home and was so tired. I had driven my Mom and Grandparents to Birmingham for a medical appointment on Tuesday. I got to sit on a beautiful patio and write all morning, but I had to be up very very early. Wednesday I was also up early, and four hours in the car is a lot, even when you stop on the way home to grab some pictures in a couple small downtowns. But I couldn’t say no when my friend asked me to go for ice cream. He picked me up and took me to the Sonic in Millbrook like we were kids in school again, parking somewhere just to hang out away from our parents’ houses. I’ve seen him on four of the six days since then. He’s fit right in with all my friends he’s met. One of the biggest material benefits of our reconnection, though, is a great desire he’s helping me to try out fulfilling.

I have longed to go to the gym ever since listening to Lorde’s new album in the pool last summer. At the time, I probably couldn’t have done much of anything there, I was still so feeble. But I danced and swam and moved and walked and skimmed in that pool all summer, and by this May when the springtime exuberance hit me, I realized I was capable of so much more than I had been. So when my old friend said he goes to the gym every day and told me I should come with him, I was utterly terrified but ultimately joined him at the first opportunity. I think I really needed someone very experienced that I also knew and trusted well in order to make that first visit. I was ready to flee in terror all the way from the car to the front door, but the gym was not so bad. I actually had a lot of fun and felt much more strong and capable than I’d expected to. I think it helped that my friend didn’t get to see the bad times, so he didn’t take it as easy on me as someone might have if they also remembered how recently I couldn’t even walk from the living room to the kitchen without pain. I don’t know if I’ll become a gym person long term or not, but it had literally never occurred to me as a realistic option for me before. When I got home from the gym on Sunday I realized that even if I never went with my friend again, I was fully capable of getting a membership and taking myself. Sure, I can’t afford that long term without some kind of major change in my life, but it’s not impossible.

That really is the magic I have been experiencing lately. Nothing feels truly impossible anymore. Sure, we live in an era where technology means we can never be certain what is real, but that does open up so much possibility. The world is bizarre and constantly churning out events much stranger than fiction. Why, then, can’t I write a memoir that becomes famous after my death? Why shouldn’t I live like Van Gogh, regardless of whether anyone ever likes my art? I was always captivated by the idea of the “starving artist,” living on the generosity of friends and family. Hopefully I’ll be more able to materially provide for myself someday, but if nothing else, I simply want to make art that matters to me and treat my loved ones the way I believe they deserve to be treated. My life is so stunningly simple, but so intricately expansive these days. I do as please, trying to always be helpful in the places it's easy to do so, and I just watch the days roll out into endless unexpected twists. There is something small but spectacular around every corner.

I was busy having a lovely dinner cooked by a dear friend and then I stopped by the cotton gin and the lake to take pictures of the tail end of the sunset in Slapout, but I’m back. It was an incandescent day, not bad at all for a Monday. (Though my weekly visits to write at the coffee shop have actually turned Monday into my favorite day of the week.) Anyways, the big thing happening this week is Jupiter making a conjunction with the Sun, or a cazimi, in Leo on the 29th, followed immediately by the Full Moon in Aquarius conjunct Pluto that night. In my mind, Jupiter is lucky as can be. Chani describes it as expansive, “not good or bad.” But for me personally, I think it mostly increases the good things. The Sun, according to Chani, is about “leadership” and the way “we shine.” Then the Full Moon is about emotions (the Moon) and what’s “covered up and hidden” (Pluto). She says in the macro sense, there may be some kind of “power grab” that isn’t necessarily good, but in personal lives, it’s more about “the feelings that arise when we move into the light, … into visibility, … into leadership, when we creatively express.” That’s certainly a topic I have a lot of emotions about! I want desperately to share my art and my writing because I want it to have the chance to make an impact for people, but I am deathly afraid of the consequences of posting online. These days, I don’t think it’s particularly paranoid to worry about speaking one’s mind online. There absolutely can be real world consequences. Heck, there’s probably members of my family who would think I’ve fallen into satanism and sin just because I use astrology. I don’t know yet what exactly I’m willing to share and what it would behoove me to share, but I’m interested to see what this week brings on that front.

Chani goes on to say that this week will likely bring up the times from childhood when people said “Oh no, … don’t let them know that. Don’t shine like that. Don’t be your full self here. Don’t allow this part of you to come out into the world because you’ll get ridiculed.” That bit, especially, felt like it was about the gym. When I was a kid I was praised extensively for my intellect, but never encouraged to use my body. And I was bad at using my body. I think it’s the autistic motor skills issues, or the poor proprioception and interoception. Either way, I was a disaster at PE and no one ever once took the time to actually get me to understand how to move correctly and how to do the things they wanted us to do. In math class I would read a book after the first time the teacher explained something because I didn’t need further instruction. In PE, they moved on so quickly and never bothered to actually help the kids who couldn’t just copy along the first time. When I walked into the gym with my friend I told him that I felt like it was a place where I’d get murdered for being fat, then admitted to him and also myself that the real issue isn’t my size, it’s that I don’t know what on earth to do in there. By middle school I’d already given up on sports and exercise, and I slacked off as often as I could. No one ever showed me how to use any exercise equipment, and I never had a budget to pay someone to teach me. I really panic when I’m supposed to perform in front of people but I don’t know exactly what to do or how to do it correctly. But my experience with utter dejection and failure have fortunately thickened my skin to the degree that I’m capable of being bad at things, although I can only take so much of that at a time.

Chani jumps back to the beginning of the week at this point. “Monday, the Sun is making a trine to Neptune and a sextile to Uranus. This is very dreamy and very encouraging of breakthroughs and doing things differently, and shining full wattage how we want and need to.” I certainly had a lovely day talking and writing about how I feel. I think I was doing exactly what she said, dreaming of the future, imagining ways to do things differently, and seeing how that work can bring me happiness and self expression. Then, Tuesday “Venus squares Mars. This feels like a little bit of a fight.” She says that “both Venus and Mars right now are ruled by Mercury, so this is all about how we articulate and communicate the relationship issues that we come up against.” I’m curious to see if that ends up being about Mom, because the ways she and I misunderstand each other are a central theme in my life right now. I’m trying to reach the point where I accept the things I can’t change, because she already does more than enough for me, and I’m finally getting the kinds of understanding I want from other relationships, so hers is less important to me than it was. (Still pretty darn important, tbh, but you win some you lose some.) Wednesday is the big day that Monday and Tuesday are preparing us for, according to Chani.

She also says that since I’m a gemini rising, The Jupiter cazimi is happening in my “3rd house of communications and daily life.” Then she says “I’m not saying that every one of you is a writer or working in media or in comms. … I’m not saying you have to go write a thesis or a curriculum or a book or a play or a movie or what have you.” Like, yeah, babe! Say it! I should write the book. In fact, I think I have been writing the book all along. Some of these essays and poems and articles and thoughts I’ve been typing and scrawling will absolutely be part of whatever the final project ends up being. I just have to carry out the practice of writing whenever I can, and watch and wait for what takes shape! She goes on to add that “This is not about eventually being on some stage at some point where everybody is applauding you. … it’s about feeling alive every day.” I definitely think my art suffers when I think too much of an audience instead of saying what’s on my heart. I love the reminder to devote myself to my practice so that I enjoy every day, not so that I can get recognition or admiration. She also talks about being “in our power” and I can’t help but think that getting physically strong through daily activity fits right in to creatively expressing myself. It both physically allows me to do more of the work of writing and art making and also will hopefully give me the ability to connect with my body more, which can only improve my art. Chani also says the Full Moon being in my 9th house means it’s good for making long term plans, so I really look forward to seeing where this takes me!

#my writing #astrology #chani nicholas #mine #gemini rising