#qt.musing

[theonlyqualitytrash]

I've become completely desensitized to deaths in the manga. Unless I see bones buried or cremated on panel with full paperwork, I will continue to live in ignorant bliss.

[theonlyqualitytrash]

I haven’t opened my scrapbook in almost six months, lacking any inspiration. And who better to dedicate a section to than my muse? Thank you, Fyodor, for haunting my thoughts.

Transcribed poem (in case you can’t read my handwriting):

I long to break your wrists,  to drink the pulse from your veins  like the sweetest truth I've ever known.  To trace the line where blood meets skin,  and call it home.  Let me die by the heat of your touch,  splintered, undone,  as you pull my heart out  and kiss it bare,  a fragile thing made perfect  in the hollow of your gaze.  I would give you all of me  every shattered piece,  every whisper of devotion,  until I am nothing but  the broken echo of your name  on a tongue of blood.  Split me in two if you must,  my love,  for I would not fight,  only surrender  to the weight of you  until there is nothing left  but us. 

This poem represents how I want to be loved, but also how deep my love runs. I’ll admit it: I hate being vulnerable, and sometimes I hate showing people what’s going on in my little brain. But I also long to show these things, these parts of me, to be understood. Please love me and ignore me at the same time.

Here, in my little corner of the internet, I can just put it out there. If it resonates, it does. If not, it still exists outside my mind—and that is enough.

Dividers: saradika-graphics

[theonlyqualitytrash]

Hello, my dear Cheshka.♥️ How have you been doing? You’ve been away from me for some time.🥺

Hello, Snow! ^^ ₊˚⊹♡ (I was giggling and kicking my feet when I saw you here.)

As promised, here’s a little catch-up. But first, I must warn you... I will be ranting about dating apps (hearts like ours were not made for them.)

Before you lecture me and chastise my poor dating decisions, understand that I was curious (and perhaps a little lonely). Looking beautiful, mysterious, and very approachable in bookstores and parks just wasn’t working out for me—so I caved.

I installed Bumble. I wanted to see what awaited on the other side of the screen. Spoiler alert: very toxic and weird men.

I mean, I know, you know, everybody knows—my blog is primarily focused on Fyodor; but just because I love a dark, twisted, misunderstood man doesn’t mean I want to be love bombed in real life.

Do I want a man who sees my weird, chaotic side and chooses to keep me? Of course. Do I want a man who gets moody and crosses my boundaries? No—a la poubelle! (I will be saying this a lot in this post.)

So for the past few days, I’ve been playing matchmaker with myself... seeing how many red flags I can collect before politely telling someone, “This was not meant to be.”

And let me tell you: people show their true nature the second you set a boundary.

There was this one guy—let’s call him Isaac. He seemed very sweet: gentle giant vibes, long hair, a woodworking boy. He was well-read, worked as a nurse, played games in his free time... I thought, “Nice! Why is this man not taken?”

And then it came; and I saw what he was made of.

If a man assumes what you want instead of asking you—a la poubelle. If he’s more interested in making a point than meeting you halfway—a la poubelle. If he doesn’t respect boundaries—a la poubelle. If he builds intimacy not to know you, but to make you receptive to his presence, his advances, his demands... a la poubelle!

It’s one thing to read about this kind of manipulation, and it’s another thing entirely to experience it. But I wanted to tell you all this because if any man ever took advantage of you or hurt your sweet soul, I would personally get on a plane—and you’d probably see me on the news.

I hex any man who even thinks of hurting you, or any other person I hold dear in my heart. ❤︎

Since my breakup, I’ve become more aware of my body’s cues and needs. I’ve always struggled with fawning, but this time I stood my ground. And I’m proud of myself. Hihi. ^^ (That man was thrown away and thoroughly blocked.)

Also... gaslighting? Especially self gaslighting? Extremely dangerous. I’ve realized our bodies often pick up on things before our brains can process them. Period. If the vibes are off, and you feel unsafe—step back. Don’t second-guess your gut. Sit with the feeling and watch how the behavior unfolds.

I’ve been building my resistance to people like this. It’s actually a good mental exercise. :>

Now, on a lighter note...

I’ve been excited for a few things lately: my upcoming birthday, a date, and a little family trip to Spain.

My birthday’s not a big deal, but I’m happy I get to spend it with family and close friends—eat cake my dad will bake, play games, and just joke around. Like you, I’m a bit of a wallflower, so being the center of attention can feel daunting; but sometimes we do need our time to shine and be properly appreciated. ^^

The date is also exciting—we’re going to an art museum in my city. The guy I’m seeing is well-read, with an interesting mind. He also made me a playlist, which I found very endearing. I hope he’s as kind and respectful as he is smart. •ᴗ• (a la poubelle if not)

Edit: I have learned he is INTJ. (I am not projecting my love for INTJs and Fyodor at all)

As for the trip: we’re visiting family friends and making it a road trip from Romania to Spain, with a stop in Italy to see my aunt. Honestly, this might be the highlight of my summer. I haven’t left the country in four years.

We’re going to Valencia, and I can’t wait to see the opera house and visit the beach at night (because I’m a vampire and I burn in the sunlight.)

My dad joked “What if someone steals you away?” To which my mom replied “She’s a handful. They’ll hear how much she talks and hand her right back.”

Ah, the cruelty!!! ( ⸝⸝´꒳`⸝⸝)

And finally—here’s a cute little photo of me and my friend petting a cat in Terraria.

I’m on the left, she’s on the right. The kitty looks exactly like my Sonya, so I was extra happy. 🖤

Thank you for checking in with me, my dear. I wish you nothing but a chill breeze, soft vibes and for you to stay hydrated! (ᴗ͈ˬᴗ͈)ꕤ.ﾟ Here is a little song for you, it's vibey and I think it will put you in a good mood.

I wish to be loved like this, and I wish for you to be loved like this as well. ❤︎

Dividers: saradika-graphics

[theonlyqualitytrash]

Yo broo. It’s been a while since I’ve opened tumblr. I only read fics most of the time to pass by time and i’ve been busyyyy. Adult world is tuff T.T

Anyway! How are u? Your last post was about college stuff and ik how stressful it is fr AND I js graduated and I’m employed heheee. I HOPE UR FINE DOE. I kinda miss your writings and I miss writing too.

Hello Chen dear! <3

You must excuse this delayed answer. I was so happy to see you in my inbox, but life kind of happened. I started writing back but had to stop and go take some birthday photos in the forest (such whimsy, perhaps I will share)—only then to have a man confess his feelings to me.

Safe to say life slapped me across the face. Unpolite, in my opinion. I cried. But we got it sorted, and we’re still friends. I am happy nothing changed between us, and that I can still hold him dear without anything romantic.

Exams were alright. Some were a breeze, and some had me seriously contemplating dropping out, but we survived. :D

Right now I’m helping around with my folk's business. Also just trying to recharge a bit by being on here, reading and writing, and hopefully relaxing before summer practice starts.

Anyway! Congratulations on your graduation and employment!! I really hope they’re treating you well and that you enjoy what you’re doing. :> I am curious, if you don't mind me asking, what’s your field?

I’m happy to be back and talking to you again. I really missed your energy. Please take care of yourself, and I’m sending loads of good vibes your way.

P.S: Let’s both find time to write always...even if it’s just little things on our notes apps or on small scraps of paper. (づ ᴗ _ᴗ)づ♡

[theonlyqualitytrash]

If u write a book i would be ur number one reader like u word things so perfectly

Dear Anon, I will go cry and write with tears in my eyes for you, then. :’> Thank you so much. I find that no matter how often I receive compliments, I always get emotional over them because I’m happy to move people. All of this really means a lot to me.

I did try to write an original story once (I hope that’s what you meant when you said "write a book" haha), but I realized that building a world from scratch just isn’t for me. I admire it so much though! I love seeing how people go through the process—'Gold and Bone' on YouTube is an amazing project I’ve been quietly following for a while. And just recently, I read an original story by one of my moots. (Thank you @chen-nn, for writing and for simply being a creative person. ♡)

What I’ve come to understand about me is that I much prefer having a base to work from and then adding onto it. I’ve written a lot of little things recently: some Call of Duty scenarios, things about physics, films, paintings. The common thread is that the world is already there. I just get to analyze it, deepen it, expand it. ^^

For example, like I’ve said before, Midsommar was a big inspiration for my cult!Fyodor series. And a few weeks ago, I had a very strange idea for a story involving him after seeing this imagine:

If I ever were to write a book, I think it would absolutely be fanfiction... most likely a reader insert. That’s the format where it’s easiest for me to express emotions and inner worlds. :)

Thank you for reading, and thank you for feeling with me. ♡

[theonlyqualitytrash]

I have succumbed to the plague (a common cold) and now lie in my deathbed, awaiting either recovery or sainthood. The revered plague doctor (my mother) administers her sacred remedies (aerosol and pills), with the wisdom of the ancients, while her alchemist’s apprentice (my father) has bestowed upon me a most potent elixir (nut brandy), which may either cure me or send me on a vision quest.

[theonlyqualitytrash]

Hello peeps, I have returned from the gulag! Ready to spend my break writing the final chapter of Creatura Innocentiae. I have so many plans, it’s honestly terrifying. Pray for me.

Also, fun fact about the gulag: the name is actually an acronym from Гла́вное Управле́ние исправи́тельно-трудовы́х ЛАГере́й (Main Directorate of Correctional Labour Camps).

[theonlyqualitytrash]

Here’s a bit of a late reflection, but one that still holds true: I rang in the new year chugging stalinskaya, played chess into the dawn, and had a wild epiphany—my sole purpose? To spew out nonsense and create shit. Cheers to that, no matter when.